Old as time question

[Helpplz23563]

WWYD…
a relationship years long, I want to get married (happy to do it just us) I want us us to be family, he doesn’t see the point so says no. Everything else is great and he wants us to keep doing what we are doing forever (neither have DC or have been previously married)

YABU - everything else is ideal suck it up
YANBU - everything else is ideal, he should suck it up and give you what you want

But you could easily flip that around to say if she truly loves her partner then she would respect his wishes not leave him over marriage. It’s ok for people to both want and not want marriage. He’s been honest about it, and not strung OP along with ‘next year… I think we shouldn’t get married until gay marriage is legal… we should wait until after Covid… my brother’s getting married this year, let’s talk about it next year’. It sounds like they’re just incompatible as they each have strong views on something which can’t be compromised on.

Some men do say they never want to get married and quickly marry their next girlfriend. Some say they never want to get married and never marry because of it.

I don’t think I would leave, but obvs only you know whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. If you’re on Mumsnet long enough you’ll know that many people here will recommend to leave a relationship. I wouldn’t get paranoid and think that he doesn’t love you, doesn’t want to commit, etc like some hehe suggest. For what it’s worth, my three best female friends love their long-term partners and I know for a fact that they are 100% committed to them but neither one of them wants to get married because they hate the concept.

Ah the old parents with a messy divorce and a man who wants to avoid that for himself and thinks by not getting married, he’ll never face that. Generally it’s a failure to think things through, the messy bit was a long term relationship ending when the couple were angry at each other and had combined their lives financially for years, so untangling that was difficult.

he hasn’t ensured he won’t go through the same by not marrying, the only way to avoid that is to not have a long term relationship with someone where you share your lives and combine finances in some way (like large joint purchases like houses or joint debts). Being married when that long term relationship ends means you have a clear legal framework for disentangling those years of joint decisions.

Having watched colleagues end long term relationships when they have property and dcs etc but not married, it doesn’t seem any less messy, it’s just the lower earner (generally the woman) walks away with less money.

If marriage is really important to you then I would walk away. Easy as that sounds. He has a bad view of marriage & sounds like he will never attempt to re-evaluate his stance address his commitment issues.

The irony is that these issues are actually causing a relationship to irretrievably break down, resulting in a divorce of sorts between the two of you -so his fear of divorce happening again in the future, is actually causing his relationships in the present to fail & will cause other relationships to fail too - unless he finds someone prepared to settle (unlikely).

I’d try to get him to see the irony of his stance. It’s a protective measure but it’s actually more damaging than the thing he’s so afraid of. Because he could take steps to prevent divorce from happening in the future, & be fine. But instead he’s choosing to effect the divorce now before it happens.

If he’s unable to see it as a commitment issue, & is fully anti marriage, disagrees with it as an institution etc etc & is pretty entrenched that he fundamentally disagrees with it etc then you don’t have much hope IMO of getting him to see it differently.

He may need to waste someone else’s years in a relationship, before he figures this out. You don’t have to be that person & could find someone else who wants the same things.

It sounds like you’re saying it’s great bar this one thing. I think you’ll look back & realise that that’s what makes this relationship not that great.
And when you view it like that it makes it easier to move on from. Because it is a pretty huge fundamental incompatibility. And an insight into how inflexible this person is & maybe not very emotionally evolved. Again do you want to hang around while he gets up to speed or do you want to pursue someone with more similar compatibilities?

People suggest leaving because they have the self esteem to know another man is easy to come by and dont have to settle.

I hate the concept of marriage on many levels. I did it because it made financial sense. At the registry office with 2 witnesses, didnt tell anyone, we dont wear rings, dont use Mrs or change surnames, didn't wear the white dress. It was literally a financial arrangement worth no more celebration that sorting out a will. Perhaps your friends will surprise you. Or perhaps, like me, they wont tell you they are married.

OP.. he wont marry you because its easier to untangle himself. It's that simple.

My brother has always made it clear he doesn't want to get married , his girlfriend would like to but tbf to him he made it clear from day 1 he would not go down that route , out parents still together happily and I am married so no backstory just something he has always been opposed to
Its difficult when both want different things and no budge room etc
My dh wasn't fussed with marriage has had married before young and it never worked out but he knew for me it was a dealbreaker once we had kids so he was happy to go ahead but for some like my brother it is non negotiable

If this a women saying no to marrying a man as they don't want marriage everyone would be supporting etc
Neither op or partner are wrong they just have a different attitude to marriage

Friends, a gay couple, had all financials and wishes re NOK etc sewed up tightly. They still had a civil partnership as soon as it became possible, because it matters, on all sorts of levels.

quickly marry their next girlfriend

I've seen this often enough to no longer be surprised. I imagine it's because second time around they have learned the consequences of refusing and so are in a rush to seal the deal.

Whatever the reason, it is certainly a 'thing' so you can be sure anyone continuing to refuse to get married just isn't that worried about or too blind to see the potential consequences.

Sigh.

100% this. Sorry op. He's too weak to tell you this.