When you compare your upbringing to the way you’re bringing up your Dc/Dc’s

[Bloominadverts]

How does it differ?

Beeb thinking about it a lot recently and even spoke to mum who is equally baffled about some of the things she didn’t do/did and the way we parent now (and the way she says she would now)

I was an 80’s child and 90’s teen (born late 70’s)
Parents rarely showed affection, no I love you, hugs, a kiss goodnight/goodbye perhaps.
I vividly remember going on a Brownies trip away for the first time and when my mum came to pick me up, there was no hug or kiss…I remember seeing other mums running to their girls, giving them big hugs and kisses.
Not talking to me about periods…at all. Just leaving a packet of pads in the bathroom cabinet and stocking up sometimes. No talk about boys, relationships, friendships, sex…nothing.
Parents basically having no knowledge about what I got up to..drinking, smoking, drugs, clubbing at a v young age
I was hit by a car at 17 (luckily was ok, but obviously not a nice incident!) my boyfriend phoned my mum from the hospital, she didn’t come to get me and I ended up staying at boyfriends house for 3 days being looked after by him and his mum.

Brought up in a fairly middle class, nice area. Group of friends all fairly similar experiences

Cant imagine it being *Anything like this with my Dd as she grows up

Did you also have a basic lack of care?! Where was the parental involvement and care 🤷🏻‍♀️

*Been

Well my DH and I realised one day that while we won’t make the same mistakes as our parents did, we will be making all new mistakes!

So I do think every good parent still makes mistakes. This is of course, not excusing abuse or neglect and I think some of what you describe was neglect. 💐

I was born in 1990. Parents were very loving- very supportive. Felt listened to and they did their best, although their approach to my sisters weight has led to a lifelong eating disorder so not perfect.
Comparatively I’m very aware of my language around then. Very open with them, loving.
On a practical level my parents were much more financially comfortable. We had holidays abroad yearly, went skiing. Could do any clubs we wanted. Things are a lot tighter for us at home and DC dont have the things and experiences we did. They don’t mind (they don’t know!) but makes me a bit sad sometimes.
Most parents are just doing their best.

I completely relate OP. It's only through my own children now that I realise that parents took no interest or responsibility for my emotional welfare. Like you neither of my parents could be affectionate or say I love you. We also got hurt-a lot- through being unsupervised and allowed to do things like climb the scaffolding outside the house!
My mum simply did not know how to emotionally connect and from a young age I would never have dreamed of going to her for emotional support. There were also lots of emotions that were simply not allowed to be expressed- anger and sadness. I never want either of my children to feel alone with their emotions in the way I was. I suppose as a consequence I feel mainly no emotion towards my mum.

My daughter is little so I can only comment on the early years.

I do a lot more to keep her entertained than my parents did, which I think is typical. There was no soft play and if it rained we stayed in all day, which I never do with mine. I remember endless rainy days bored out of my skull. My parents didn't really play with me at all, the expectation was that I'd get on with that myself.

On the other hand my mum was a sahm and my dad's hours weren't terribly long so we spent a lot of time together at home. I work ft and my daughter does long days in childcare by comparison.

I parent similarly to my parents tbh. I always felt loved and cared for. We were never molly coddled though and were given freedom to roam about and explore etc. My parents were strict though and I am quite old school in my approach to my kids too. I am 37 and have a 15 yo and 10 yo.

This post is a bit triggering for me because my dad sexually abused me as a child, but on paper I had absolutely everything any child could wish for, materially speaking.

Now as a PTSD recovering adult, my child has absolutely nothing of the material privileges I had. We won't be having meals out in restaurants every weekend or any holidays abroad, ever. It makes me sad that he'll be looked at as "deprived".

However I do know he gets cuddles every morning and night, he gets praise and little treats at every turn, we laugh and play every day and these are the things that are most important.

@Discovereads Do you really think it was neglect?

@Circumferences
So sorry about that. For me it was an uncle. 💐

@Windthebloodybobbinup Exactly the same about lack of emotional connection and not being allowed to show emotions. We had a lot of silences in our house and I didn’t understand it then and certainly don’t now. I remember going through a period of crying a lot (not sure why) and my mum being cross and saying if I didn’t stop, she’d have to take me to the doctors (almost like a threat, not a concern)
Also never did any outside clubs-dancing, music lessons etc…mum just says I never asked 🤷🏻‍♀️Don’t you have to actively encourage these things or introduce them to children to see? I had no idea how to find out about lessons.

My parents are nice people but looking back, wow

@MoreTeaLessCoffee Yes to the boring weekends/rainy days and I only remember dad playing with us sometimes, never mum. She often put black & white films on on a Saturday and we either watched or entertained ourselves somewhere

Born early 80’s and a teenager in the 90’s. Your childhood sounds fairly normal for the time.

Adults needs/wants were very much the priority. I remember been bored stiff as it felt like I spent much of my childhood in the lounge of a pub as my dad wanted a drink. We were very much expected to sit their bored stiff whilst the adults talked. If we were lucky we ended up in a pub with a beer garden.

I can’t remember any hugs, kisses, I love you, I’m proud of you, etc. After my mother dies my aunt told me that my mum had told her she was proud of me the last time she saw her before she died.

Rainy days were boring and there was no soft play. I don’t ever remember my parents playing with me, we were very much expected to amuse ourselves.

@Circumferences So sorry 💐
Your son sounds like he has the best childhood, all that kids want and need is that love and attention.

I do. Neglect has two main components. The first is the one that is illegal- denying the things a child needs to physically live like food, clothing, hygiene, clean living space, taking to a doctor when sick, enrolling in school, etc. But there is also emotional neglect as in no concern for well-being, leaving child to raise themselves essentially- pushing responsibility on them too young, no affection, etc.

So I think you suffered emotional neglect.

Born 1980

My childhood was very similar

@ThatsGoingToHurt So true about the pubs, so many outings with my dad that involved me sitting in a pub 🤷🏻‍♀️I was chuffed to have a coke with lemon in and choose songs from the jukebox but…
I also remember a time coming home with him on a train and he’d been drinking and fell asleep and I couldn’t wake him up to get off the train…it’s bad thinking back

Born mid 80s, was shown a lot of love and my Mum was so loving and Dad too.

I had so much freedom as a teen and really could go wherever I wanted ( into London on a school night and then school with a hangover the next day)

I can't imagine giving my daughter the same amount of freedom and I do wonder how they didn't worry about me, but then again I have turned out ok! Maybe as I was their last child they were more chilled!

My mother was over protective, rigid and struggled with allowing me to show any negative emotions. As an adult I can see that this relates to her own pervasive mental health issues which have worsened over time.

I try to be flexible and responsive but I also work FT and juggle a lot of commitments, my children might judge me negatively for those choices in the future?

@Discovereads My mum would be upset if I said that to her and would deny it…but it definitely was like that and I can’t imagine being anything like that with Dd

It must have affected the person I am
It’s like not much was discussed, you were just left to get on with things

I parent very differently but I notice that dm grandmothers the dds very differently to how she did with me as well. But to be fair my mum was trying to just not die when she was married and just survive financially when she was a single parent.

I recognise from pp the lack of affection from my mum and I am cuddling my dds all the time and telling them how much I love them. Dd2 forces it with dm who has managed to say I love you back to her though it's not comfortable for her.

I was a child in the 60s.
Parents social life came first. My mother was a social extrovert, drama groups, church groups, all kinds of stuff. Never at home. They were very poor when we were children, we had the bare minimum no more. No holidays abroad, no luxuries, no activities. No affection. They never knew where I was or what I was doing at school. I had to do a lot of the domestic chores, cleaning , cooking, washing. When I left home it was a lot easier.

My DC have had a much more privileged upbringing. I have done pretty much everything differently. It doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes but I do feel I tried harder.

Exactly the same as you Op, and I agree it was neglect in many ways. It still affects me now.

Born in the early 70s. My mum was undemonstrative but loved (and still loves) us fiercely. She wasn't huggy or kissy but she was (is) always on our side. Dad was (is) cuddly and sweet and tucked me up in bed and told me he loved me pretty much every day.

We had to amuse ourselves a lot, so there were loads of imaginative games. We also spent a lot of time riding round on bikes.

Sundays were very, very boring. The highlight was watching Dad cut the hedge or wash the car. But Dad also played cricket and tennis with us when he wasn't at work (which he mostly was).

I think there were some common things about growing up in that era (which was generally less snowflakey), but the rest is all to do with personality.

My DC are grown up now, but they were born in the late 90s/early 2000s. I did a lot more with them than my parents did with me (soft play, adventure playgrounds etc) - but there was also a lot more to do than there was when I was a child. However, I also did a lot the same as my parents did - lots of going for walks, gardening with the DC, going to places where they were expected to keep still and be quiet. I think it was a good balance overall. They now say I'm undemonstrative and complain that I would tell them they'd be fine even if they had broken both legs, so I think I've copied that from my mum. I think they also know, though, that I am completely devoted to them.

My parents didnt discuss much with us either. Like, id have rather died before telling my dad id started my period for example. So i can relate to feeling like there was a distance there and some things just wouldnt be discussed. But on the whole they were good parents and we came first. I hope my children will say the same about me.

@Bloominadverts I relate to a lot of what you're saying, also born late 70s. Not much affection from my parents.
But - you had a car accident and your mum left you for 3 days?!