When you compare your upbringing to the way you’re bringing up your Dc/Dc’s

[Bloominadverts]

How does it differ?

Beeb thinking about it a lot recently and even spoke to mum who is equally baffled about some of the things she didn’t do/did and the way we parent now (and the way she says she would now)

I was an 80’s child and 90’s teen (born late 70’s)
Parents rarely showed affection, no I love you, hugs, a kiss goodnight/goodbye perhaps.
I vividly remember going on a Brownies trip away for the first time and when my mum came to pick me up, there was no hug or kiss…I remember seeing other mums running to their girls, giving them big hugs and kisses.
Not talking to me about periods…at all. Just leaving a packet of pads in the bathroom cabinet and stocking up sometimes. No talk about boys, relationships, friendships, sex…nothing.
Parents basically having no knowledge about what I got up to..drinking, smoking, drugs, clubbing at a v young age
I was hit by a car at 17 (luckily was ok, but obviously not a nice incident!) my boyfriend phoned my mum from the hospital, she didn’t come to get me and I ended up staying at boyfriends house for 3 days being looked after by him and his mum.

Brought up in a fairly middle class, nice area. Group of friends all fairly similar experiences

Cant imagine it being *Anything like this with my Dd as she grows up

Did you also have a basic lack of care?! Where was the parental involvement and care 🤷🏻‍♀️

I try to my best to follow respectful parenting, and teach my girls to be proud of themselves and respect themselves, I try my hardest to ensure they feel loved and understood even when their behaviour is challenging and when they get older I want them to know that no matter the time of day they can call and I will be there.....a complete opposite of my childhood and teenage years.

I'm not sure your post is so much about the time as it is about the parents.

I'm pretty happy with how I was brought up (70s child) and I'm happy with our parenting.

The main differences are my parents smoked in the house/car etc - we don't

We were formula fed and I breastfed.

We have a lot more money than my parents did.

I hope that we parent our son exactly as our parents did us. We were both extremely lucky in that we were shown the world travel wise, played with, had good examples of what it is to have a good work ethic but not forgetting that family time is equally important. We were loved and cherished and in my childhood our opinions and thoughts were as valid as an adults. I hope we provide my son with the same. My husband was born '77 and me '83.

The main differences - my ds is:

loved
warm
well provided for
decently clothed
encouraged in school
encouraged in sport
welcome in our home
unafraid

There was a lot of love and affection in my childhood. I was also taken to soft play, adventure playgrounds and theme parks.
My parents did, however, work full time and I spent long hours in nursery and then a lot of time with nannies and in after school club. That is the main difference. I never wanted that for my children. I wanted to be the one who they spent the majority of their time with and to be the one who picked them up from school. So I work part time.

I think my DPs were/are probably better parents than me , I didn't really appreciate everything my DPs did for me until I became a parent myself. I am very grateful for a happy, safe, secure upbringing and for DPs that encouraged and supported me. I had a fairly strict upbringing (1960s) by todays standards but I can really understand why they had rules and boundaries.

@Bloominadverts I left home to go to boarding school when I was 13 and never lived at home again. My main feeling of home was loneliness and silence- just no laughter, games, dancing or happiness. I always want home to be welcoming and warm for my children, and I especially want them to be comfortable here as teenagers. The stuff I got up to on my own as a teen makes me shudder now!

Born mid-70’s and I am/will be parenting very different to my DP’s. There was a thread earlier this year about parenting in the 70’s-80’s and how for many DC it was quite neglectful by today’s standards - it was quite an interesting eye-opener of a read, although very sad too.

Pretty similar tbh. I was born early 70s. My parents weren't terribly strict or formal, and were fairly huggy when we were little, but that waned mutually as we got older, as it has with my dc. I've hadthe 'necessary talks' with my dc but we are not particularly sharey. Neither was I with my parents. We have a great relationship and get along really well, we just aren't very heart-on-sleeve type people, none of us!

@Tootsey11 So sorry, how does it affect you now? I find I’m thinking about it so much more the last few years since I had my own child, but I don’t want to bring it up with my mum and hurt her…I have so many questions though.

@leccybill She didn’t leave me, but I was hit by a car on the way to meet my boyfriend. I often stayed at his for days on end, he came to get me as I gave them (hospital ) his number, he rang my mum, said I was ok etc and I don’t know, I just wanted to stay at his I suppose, which I think is quite telling in itself? So she wasn’t the one to pick me up etc. I also remember him being angry about it and upset for me and saying his mum asked him if my parents Bothered with me’ which does sound really awful

I was born in 1971, my parents were lovely and involved me in anything and everything they were interested in. Hence I have an excellent knowledge of wild birds, wild flowers and nature of every kind. Also gardening, making bread and jam! Honestly, it has taken me 50 years to realise how fab they were.

oh and lots of walking!

I can hear them saying show Funny that she will be really interested

And to answer the question, we bring our dc up in a very similar fashion!

Hmm. I'm the same age as you and I can't say I totally relate. My mum was very open about sex and periods. She certainly would have come to the hospital if I had been hit by a car!
Having said that, I do sort of know what you mean. My parents didn't say 'I love you'. But I've always known they do. They used to smack my bum when I was a kid.
They let me go out - clubbing and all sorts and were very relaxed about it. When I went travelling there was zero concern or worry for my safety (or at least they didn't show any). I think I'm much more protective of my kids than my parents were of me.

I was born at a similar time to you. If I'd been in a car accident or any of the people I knew, our mums would have been round there like a shot. I can't imagine just leaving you to be looked after by someone elses mum, that's so harsh

My kids good naturedly complain about lots of things as they have grown up very privileged and secure. and I love it. Me and DH are both passive, we argue and disagree about things but rarely raise our voices and usually come to a resolution through discussion fairly quickly. Our three DC will say "you're bickering again! Stop arguing!" And get all Pious. But I grew up watching my mum and dad screaming at each other, attacking each other physically, drunkenly exposing horrible truths about each other that I wish i never knew. Me and my brother would sit shaking at the top of the stairs and I'd cry myself to sleep. The next day I'd wake up to the broken glass, the injuries my mum would lie about. That's why when my kids tell me to stop arguing I feel so thankful that they have grown up in a different world where they'll never know how awful it can be when adults are in conflict.

Could have written the first part of your post.
No affection, always felt they weren't interested in me unless I did something wrong in which case I would be punished.
Wasn't spoken to about periods at all - didn't even really know what was happening when I got my first one. Nothing in the house to use.

Lots more but a lot of it is too outing to post.

It all really upsets me. I often wonder why they were like that? To me it's the most natural thing in the world to kiss and cuddle my kids and tell them I love them a million times a day.

I was also born in the late 70s.

My parents were and still are absolutely amazing. I had two brilliant parents growing up. My dad in particular is as perfect a father as anyone could wish for. But due to his work and a huge financial crisis, we had to move countries numerous times and I went to about six schools in different countries. I actually adapted well to each one and thanks to this speak a number of languages fluently, but it was difficult to have to get new friends all over again every time. My parents are very academic and had extremely high expectations of me when it came to my grades.

My daughter only has me, as I'm a single parent and my ex-husband is utterly useless and not involved. But I am MUCH softer on her when it comes to her school work and literally have the absolute minimal expectations of her passing. I was also very conscious to try not to move schools because of my own childhood experiences of multiple schools, but she actually initiated a move herself 🤷‍♀️ to the secondary school she wanted.

One thing I do that my parents would never in a million years allow is my daughter's horse riding hobby. I am literally spending every single penny I have on her two ponies and she spends several hours every day after school at the yard leaving her very little time to focus on school. It's something my parents (and most sensible parents) would never allow. I'm probably insane for allowing it and paying a literal fortune for it 🫤

@legophoenix I know 🤷🏻‍♀️I can’t help always cuddling Dd. My mum recognised this though and said to me that looking back she thinks they could have been more like they are today (give hugs, mum says she loves me, dad doesn’t) I think she’s confused herself why they didn’t do it, but do now..which made me wonder if lots of it was to do with the time as I had friends in a similar situation

Yes a fair few of my friends have similar parents too. Just so sad 😞 Surely they must have had to be going against their natural instincts?

@Bloominadverts I cannot stop thinking about how I was treated as a child. There was no affection, no care at all. The youngest of 3, I was told I didn't need food as I was the smallest. I was given the tiniest amounts while watching everybody else getting fed. I was mocked by my mother, she would copy the things I said in a mocking voice. She made fun of me when my periods started calling me dirty for bleeding through my clothes, they were that heavy. She complained about having to wash my school uniform, so wouldn't wash it. I scrubbed my shirt collars with fairy liquid to get them clean. She wouldn't allow me to use the washing machine so my school skirt went a full year without washing. I was given a £1 per week to buy my school dinners, we didn't get free school meals, there was enough money, I just wasn't given any, so most days I ate nothing. I could list many more examples.

I have a son, there is no way I could ever treat him or anyone the way she treated me, it affects me daily.

I was born in 84, my parents both drank loads. I can't ever really remember being "tucked in" at night because my mum would have passed out from about 7/8pm. My mum smoked in the house / car and I was always paranoid about smelling of smoke.

She did talk to me about sex and periods to give her credit.

I just used to cycle around our local housing estate all day at weekends with older kids. It was quite a neglectful upbringing when I think about it.

We always went on holiday to Spain and I'd be expected to just stay up late whilst they got drunk in the local bar. It would often be a 2am finish and I must have been 7 or 8. They just said it was ok as it was holidays and I have a siesta!
My son is only 2 but I am completely different with him. I give so much attention / shower with love. I'm nothing like my mum.

I have actually been thinking of just cutting her off completely as she adds nothing to my life. Has never babysat or offered help. I see her about once every three months even though she lives 10 mins away. The thing is I think she genuinely thinks we're close and loves me and would be really upset if she knew how I really felt about her. I can’t reconcile the total lack of emotion / love with how I am and feel towards my son - it just makes no sense to me.

Whilst I haven't been as laxidasical as my parents (70s/80s) complete freedom to roam the streets from a young age, lots of adventures, problems (nothing too awful but beaten up a couple of times and being flashed at about 4 times), lots of drugs and parties as a teen. I am a bit sad for this generation. I try and let mine to have some freedom but few of their friends are allowed out and their childhoods seem to involve xboxes and hanging out with parents at family day's out. My friends that work at universities say the students now are like teenagers were in the 90s. So innocent that their parents actually ring up to sort out issues!
I am much more demonstrative than my parents and talk more about emotional stuff. Having said that not sure this generation is anymore emotionally resilient than mine? Something is going wrong, and a level of risk, and learning to deal with stuff on yourself and work through some problems is fundamentally important.