Not to visit my father even though he is unwell and I might not see him again?

[CherryBlossomWinter]

Not sure how to put this. My father isn’t a terrible person and I think he believes that he loves and cares for me. He’s approaching 80 and had to be admitted to hospital a couple of months ago for pneumonia, and probably has long Covid as he is taking a long time to recover (so the doctors say).

However he’s been distant from me my whole life. He left when I was young with his secretary and left no address for months. My mother had to tell me he’d gone, he didn’t tell me himself. He didn’t take a single photo of me or my sister. We would see him occasionally, erratically and he’d either by very tired from work and sleep or he’d take us out for a fancy meal. He was very ‘hands off’ parenting, well not really parenting at all. My mother struggled massively.

He met a new younger wife (also a secretary!) and now has two more children, who he dotes on. They are grown up but a lot younger than us. His wife and two children have no interest in me or my sister, I think we are not see as his children. My half sister got married and did not invite me or my sister to her wedding. No explanation. Me and my sister made an effort to be part of their lives as they were growing up, but it was not reciprocated.

My sister has just cut him off entirely now. But I kept up a bit of contact. He does send the odd present to my kids, but if I try and engage him he just isn’t that interested. He used to visit once every few years and me him, but lately has been pointedly sending notes or emails about how much better his other children are at visiting him than me, and how good he was as a father when I was little. I now haven’t seen him for 4 years and he’s not once asked how I am or my kids are.

When he had to go into hospital I wasn’t even told by my step mother, I found out last in the family by text from my father. He ignored my text back and when I later asked how he was he said if I really cared I’d visit. I sent him the odd photo and he was nice when reply, but just one or two words and doesn’t want to engage it seems.

Lately out of the blue he asked to call, he’s not called in years and years and I was dealing with a lot so said that I’ll visit him at some point instead face to face. But I’m dreading it. He makes me feel rubbish by being so obviously close to his second family, and not wanting to really know me. I feel that by meeting him I’d just be pretending everything is OK, but it hasn’t been. I don’t want to go all out as he’s nearly 80 now, but I feel I need some peace in my mind also.

AIBU? And when I eventually meet up, do I just pretend it’s all fine or be a little honest?

My father is terminal but I don’t visit. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to pretend he is a better person than he is just because he is dying.

I think you should consider being honest with him if you do go and see him. He seems to think he can behave how he wants and maintain the illusion to himself that he's a good father to you. You shouldn't have to join in with that delusion.

I didn't visit. I knew, without a doubt, that I wouldn't regret it. Also left when I was young, sporadic very little contact, more interested in new wife etc. Only to reappear 30 years later when she divorced him. No apology or even acknowledgement of being an arse.

I saw him now abd then but I didn't put myself out.

I felt sorry for him in the way i woukd for anyone in thise circunstsnces. He died pretty much alone. You reap what you sow.

Hey there, you poor thing. I really feel for you. My best friend had a bit of this lately as her long absent father passed away, getting more and more unwell over the years. I think at 80 he's not going to change and it's sad that he's kidding himself about what a good dad he was to you and your sister. It must hurt that his new family doesn't seem to care about you and he seems to care more about them and is using their resulting care for him to guilt trip you. He sounds like a narcissist I'm afraid.

I would look out for yourself because he clearly isn't. If it would make you feel better and like a lovely person to go there and bid him a friendly (albeit fake!) goodbye then you are the better person. If this will make life easier for you with his still living family then maybe this is a good plan for you and your own sanity.

However, he doesn't sound like he deserves any input from you whatsoever, so I wouldn't blame you for ignoring him just as he did you. If that would make you feel better then this is what you must do.

Equally, if it would make you feel better to tell him all the wrongs he has caused you in your life then you are entitled to do this too! However just one word of caution I was very upset with my parents for things in the past and when I told them it caused a massive shit storm because parents of that generation (especially narcissist, guilt-tripping ones) can find it very difficult to be confronted with the fact that they've made massive mistakes. They just deny everything and they don't change. I found eventually that it was far easier (harder short term but very good now!) to have a shit tonne of therapy and keep them at arm's length emotionally. It's sad but I'm stronger for it, and I can't change the past by telling them about it.

Hope that helps in some way! Therapy is really good btw, it's a good investment, once you find the right counsellor. I went thru 5 over a 10 year period before I found one that I stuck with for 2 years and got everything sorted. Weight. Off. Shoulders. Happy life (mostly!!!) now.

Good luck, and whatever decision you make it will be the right one :) xx

I am estranged from my father recently met him after 20 years. A friend in the same situation gave me good advice which I will pass on in the event that you see him.

Don’t seek an apology as it won’t come . Don’t speak your mind. Just try to talk about something neutral and try and have one reasonably pleasant last meeting to give you peace.

PS don’t feel you need to see him. I didn’t see mine when he had cancer and I didn’t regret it. Illness does not make one a nicer/ better person

What's the point? It isn't going to make the OP any happier. He's an old, ill man and while that doesn't excuse his past behaviour the time to hash that out has long passed. If the OP wants to see him, they should stick to neutral topics and keep the visit short.

Dragging up the past rarely ends well.

I didn’t visit my dad for several years. He was not a good father or husband.
My siblings went to say goodbye. I didn’t. There was a lot of “you’ll regret it” so I did go the next day. He died whilst I was on my way.
I sat with him and said my goodbye at the hospital after he passed. I attended his funeral, and wrote a letter which was cremated with him.
I don’t regret my choices. Only you know what you’ll feel worse about, going or not going.

In your position I wouldn’t bother OP. You’re never going to get the closure you would really love.
He sounds awful and so do his second family. Horrible for you that he left. Despite that you try to be kind to a subsequent family (I know he didn’t leave you for them) and they are not interested either. I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. Surely you won’t feel any guilt for this decision because he gave you very little in the long term really.
I don’t know how he dares say he was a good father. The little he did really doesn’t count.

I’d be writing him a letter (an old fashioned paper letter) spelling it out to him. Maybe start off softly softly to get him engaged in reading it, then coldly explain how much pain all of his actions have caused.

I've just said YABU on the answer as I think towards the end of your post it felt to me like you wanted to visit to help you get closure.

Your post made me feel desperately sad, and I dont think you owe your Dad anything. But you need to take steps that will help you feel whole - whether thats to visit him or not.

@IroningThrone I'm sure you're right. I think I'd want to be able to say my piece and then leave rather than sit through a pretence for the father's benefit. Or just not go and tell him why.

What’s going to give you peace OP?

What a selfish manipulative man.

You don’t deserve this. His game playing & guilt trips & dereliction of his parental responsibilities & concern for your feelings is horrible.

Just because he is now ill doesn’t change any of that.

Do what you need for you. What other people say or think of your decision is irrelevant.

I doubt you’ll get any acknowledgment from him or insight for his actions over the years so bringing any of it up might cause more problems than it’s worth.

But you deserve to have your feelings validated & if that is by putting a line between you & him - that’s completely understandable.

Will you regret not seeing him if he dies?

Do you need closure at all?

Any unanswered questions relating to your childhood?

If all are no, then don't contact him.

That is a really tough one

So many people will expect you to feel bad if you don't go and see him. But in your shoes I can imagine not feeling bad if he dies and I had not gone.

Are there things he could say that would hurt you? Would he be hurtful?
If he tried to apologise would that annoy you more, that he was looking for peace just before he died?

I might go to take control of the situation. I would go to say ''I am well and happy and I wish you a peaceful death when the time comes but I won't be coming again. This is goodbye.''

In your position I would prioritise my own well being over my fathers desire to ease his conscience before he dies.

I have to agree with this to be honest. And OP I often have moments where I get that feeling in my heart because mine is getting older too and you always hear others opinions of 'they won't be around forever blah blah' but they don't know your life and what went on.

Agree with this too.
Plus it doesn't help when you've a mother who has covered and excused your father all of your life, whilst being treated like crap for a very large part of it!
So no, you don't have to go along with it.

My father was a nasty man. When he died no one from his family went to his funeral. I hadn’t spoken to him in 25 years. It was only once he had died that I could stop being angry with him.

Agree with this.
If in time your father does pass and you feel you'll regret not having your say then tell him how you feel, why should you be bothered if it upsets him, did he worry when dipping in and out of your life.

Then again you really shouldn't feel guilty if you decide you don't want to see him, there's no point in spending time sat with him bitting your tongue wishing you were somewhere else.

When he left your DM all those years ago he didn't have to leave you and your sister, unless your DM made if difficult for him, he could still have had contact.
Maybe he knows he hasn't got long and wants to unburden his own mind of any guilt.

I wouldn't visit him. I would just cut all contact like your sister.

This one is where you trust your gut. I don’t think you can think your way through. Listen out for the small voice that say I need to see him, or I don’t want to see him.

I think many of us hold out hope that before time robs us of hope, we’ll hear what we need to hear. I hurt you, I’m so sorry, I’d take back all the pain I caused you if I could.

The thing is, as much as we need to hear it, they probably need to bury it under “I did my best, it’s complicated”. Either because they believe that is the truth, or because it’s the “truth” they’ve clung to so long they no longer remember anything else.

And they did not walk in our shoes. They don’t know that as much as their slipper pinch, we have been barefoot on a long painful walk into and along adulthood knowing we were not enough, not for our own parent.

I can’t tell you what is right for you. I don’t even know what would have been right for me. But listen out for the voice inside that seems to have the answer. And whatever you decide, if you need to mourn with people who understand complicated grief, there are loads of us who get it and can be the ears, shoulder and solidarity you need,

Massive hug

My late father was a narcissist too. I had a huge falling out with him 4 months before he died, when I gave him the chance to be honest about all the lies he had been telling me. He refused and continued to be in denial to my face about any lies. He died 4 months later and I never went back to see him or spoke to him.

I did go to his funeral. But that was just for my own closure. He was in his 80s and it was too late for him by then, he was never goin to change and the responsibility for his behaviour and admit the deception he had been secretly hiding from me.

My attitude was I would have been a hypocrite to go and see him on his deathbed when I didn't want to see him when he was alive. I have not regretted it since either.

You are under no obligation to visit. The decision can only be made by you. Do what you can live with - either decision will be right.

If it was me I'd be tempted to visit and listen - see what he has to say - if it's not an apology for his behaviour to you as his child, I'd tell him how I really feel and leave. But that would be because I'd find it difficult to let him continue to put out he was a good father.

I could have written this myself ⬆️
such good advice .