Not to visit my father even though he is unwell and I might not see him again?

[CherryBlossomWinter]

Not sure how to put this. My father isn’t a terrible person and I think he believes that he loves and cares for me. He’s approaching 80 and had to be admitted to hospital a couple of months ago for pneumonia, and probably has long Covid as he is taking a long time to recover (so the doctors say).

However he’s been distant from me my whole life. He left when I was young with his secretary and left no address for months. My mother had to tell me he’d gone, he didn’t tell me himself. He didn’t take a single photo of me or my sister. We would see him occasionally, erratically and he’d either by very tired from work and sleep or he’d take us out for a fancy meal. He was very ‘hands off’ parenting, well not really parenting at all. My mother struggled massively.

He met a new younger wife (also a secretary!) and now has two more children, who he dotes on. They are grown up but a lot younger than us. His wife and two children have no interest in me or my sister, I think we are not see as his children. My half sister got married and did not invite me or my sister to her wedding. No explanation. Me and my sister made an effort to be part of their lives as they were growing up, but it was not reciprocated.

My sister has just cut him off entirely now. But I kept up a bit of contact. He does send the odd present to my kids, but if I try and engage him he just isn’t that interested. He used to visit once every few years and me him, but lately has been pointedly sending notes or emails about how much better his other children are at visiting him than me, and how good he was as a father when I was little. I now haven’t seen him for 4 years and he’s not once asked how I am or my kids are.

When he had to go into hospital I wasn’t even told by my step mother, I found out last in the family by text from my father. He ignored my text back and when I later asked how he was he said if I really cared I’d visit. I sent him the odd photo and he was nice when reply, but just one or two words and doesn’t want to engage it seems.

Lately out of the blue he asked to call, he’s not called in years and years and I was dealing with a lot so said that I’ll visit him at some point instead face to face. But I’m dreading it. He makes me feel rubbish by being so obviously close to his second family, and not wanting to really know me. I feel that by meeting him I’d just be pretending everything is OK, but it hasn’t been. I don’t want to go all out as he’s nearly 80 now, but I feel I need some peace in my mind also.

AIBU? And when I eventually meet up, do I just pretend it’s all fine or be a little honest?

Wow - sorry you’re in this position. He sounds completely incapable of empathy, awareness/concern for you, your sister & mum’s feelings.

Trashing you & talking up his other family is very narc like behaviour. As is playing people off against each other, playing the victim, putting others on pedestals, while ringing you down, not asking or enquiring about you, & self absorption.

Other people’s feelings are unimportant to him unless they impede him from ensuring his needs wants /desires are met - in which case he prob uses superficial charm to appear as though he cares about others, when this really will just be a means of serving his own agenda.

You’ve every right to feel angry about how he treated /treats you. But prepare yourself for him to deflect & minimise if he even acknowledges your feelings at all & then to bad mouth you, play the victim (eg have a sudden worsening of his condition/act out how badly you’ve hurt him) afterwards potentially. I’d expect his flying monkeys (other family aka the golden children) to come & berate you for hurting him. You will be the baddie & they will try to guilt you into feeling responsible for their own worsening distress/grief etc.

Do not buy any of it.

Obviously I hope it goes better than this - but at least it may help with the fallout if you see his behaviour is all about a problem located in him & absolutely nothing to do with you or your sister not being good enough, lovable enough, worthy of enough (which is only natural to feel when treated like this, abandoned & ignored).

But you will at least be able to look him in the eye & tell him how you feel & in doing so will be able to speak your truth & in effect let him have what is owed to him after all this time.
Hopefully that will go some way to righting some of the wrongs & help you know you faced him & proved to him that you do actually exist (for you not him) & that the responsibility for his actions is on him not you.

I’d be wary of being caught off guard by feeble insincere apologies however - which you may automatically respond to & thereby give him the absolution he might be seeking though!

I was put in a similar position but really wasn’t expecting an apology from the person (it wasn’t genuine or heartfelt) & so taken by surprise I automatically said “it’s ok”. It so wasn’t!! And I regret how after everything I just gave away what was a precious opportunity to get some kind of closure or accountability taken for the impact their actions had had on me.

They also manipulated the situation to try to make me feel sorry for them as their health was in major decline, so it was impossible not to feel some guilt, despite telling beforehand that I wouldn’t do.

I think it’s brave of you to go & do this & hope you get what you need to help you move forward 💐

I personally would have to go, others won’t and won’t ever change their thoughts on that. You certainly don’t have to go and let him pretend he was a good father when he wasn’t.

After your first post, I would have said to go, but on reading your second post, I've changed my mind. He doesn't sound like a good person to be around, and this all sounds very manipulative on his part to give you this death bed call. He wants to make himself feel better, but I doubt he has your best intentions at heart.
Whatever you do, whether you go or not, he was still a crap father, and you've made your own life without him, for which you should be proud.

Visit him, tell him he’s a wanker and that you wish he’d died years ago, then leave.

Sorry OP, What a rotten feeling he's given you. I'd want to show the 2nd family that I exist and I'd feel the need to write a letter, I'd handwrite an honest letter with the consequences of his actions made clear. I wouldn't go and see him, for yourself. Don't be guilt tripped, you don't deserve any of this. Do what your gut tells you.

You must be a caring kind person to even be asking this but we are all different.
Do whatever you feel is right. You owe him nothing. Make a decision only on what you think is right.