Not to visit my father even though he is unwell and I might not see him again?

[CherryBlossomWinter]

Not sure how to put this. My father isn’t a terrible person and I think he believes that he loves and cares for me. He’s approaching 80 and had to be admitted to hospital a couple of months ago for pneumonia, and probably has long Covid as he is taking a long time to recover (so the doctors say).

However he’s been distant from me my whole life. He left when I was young with his secretary and left no address for months. My mother had to tell me he’d gone, he didn’t tell me himself. He didn’t take a single photo of me or my sister. We would see him occasionally, erratically and he’d either by very tired from work and sleep or he’d take us out for a fancy meal. He was very ‘hands off’ parenting, well not really parenting at all. My mother struggled massively.

He met a new younger wife (also a secretary!) and now has two more children, who he dotes on. They are grown up but a lot younger than us. His wife and two children have no interest in me or my sister, I think we are not see as his children. My half sister got married and did not invite me or my sister to her wedding. No explanation. Me and my sister made an effort to be part of their lives as they were growing up, but it was not reciprocated.

My sister has just cut him off entirely now. But I kept up a bit of contact. He does send the odd present to my kids, but if I try and engage him he just isn’t that interested. He used to visit once every few years and me him, but lately has been pointedly sending notes or emails about how much better his other children are at visiting him than me, and how good he was as a father when I was little. I now haven’t seen him for 4 years and he’s not once asked how I am or my kids are.

When he had to go into hospital I wasn’t even told by my step mother, I found out last in the family by text from my father. He ignored my text back and when I later asked how he was he said if I really cared I’d visit. I sent him the odd photo and he was nice when reply, but just one or two words and doesn’t want to engage it seems.

Lately out of the blue he asked to call, he’s not called in years and years and I was dealing with a lot so said that I’ll visit him at some point instead face to face. But I’m dreading it. He makes me feel rubbish by being so obviously close to his second family, and not wanting to really know me. I feel that by meeting him I’d just be pretending everything is OK, but it hasn’t been. I don’t want to go all out as he’s nearly 80 now, but I feel I need some peace in my mind also.

AIBU? And when I eventually meet up, do I just pretend it’s all fine or be a little honest?

Only you know if you will regret not seeing him and he dies. If you feel you have things to say to him and you will regret not saying them, you should go. All the stuff about his other family is of no relevance. This is about you. What do you want?

I’m in the same position with how my dad has treated me and my sister (he isn’t dying, well he could be - I wouldn’t know) but have often thought I’d react if he asked me to visit him knowing it was the end.
I’d go, for my own selfish reasons above all else - I know that I’d feel guilty if I didn’t and wouldn’t want it hanging over me but then I have a tendency to do that x

I think you got great advice from the poster who suggested if you do decide to meet him to keep your expectations from him on the floor and then you cannot be disappointed.

I honestly don’t know what I would do in your situation.

I don’t speak to my father and if he died in the morning I genuinely believe that I would have no regrets about not seeing him before that happened however still I imagine that I would be very sad about him dying. I would be sad about the relationship that couldn’t be between us. However I feel that sadness anyway now so it wouldn’t be different in that respect.

I do think that in your situation you need to decide if there will be regrets on your side because you will be alive long after he passes and you will have to deal with those regrets.

It is so difficult and genuinely sad when parents can’t fulfil their role. I’m so sorry that your Dad wasn’t a good parent to you and your sister.

@RoseslnTheHospital often the defence mechanisms they have in place to allow the behaviours, their failings really, are such that they deflect and minimise and invalidate. That can be very painful to experience.

Tough..... however I don't think you would regret going to see him...... you won't have the option soon and plenty of time for regret..... I hope you make the right decision for you xxx

I’m feeling emotional at your replies, thank you so much everyone. It is desperately sad really. He’s now nearly 80 and yet we’ve missed a whole lifetime.

I don’t think I will regret it if I don’t see him again, yet I do still feel strangely a little guilty for just not even wanting much to see him. I’ve said I will visit, and don’t like to go back on my word, but there isn’t much point for me. He might feel better I guess.

I would like to be a little honest but not sure he could cope. My mother also told me in the last few years that he has almost certainly fathered another child who would be my age, to a woman he was having an affair with but who was married and kept it secret from her husband. I’d like to be able to ask him about that, but not sure I can.

yet I do still feel strangely a little guilty for just not even wanting much to see him.

Well, he didn't want to see you or your sister. For years and years he ignored your existence. You owe him nothing. If you do go to see him, do it because it benefits you in some way, regardless of whether he feels like he needs to apologise to you for the way he treated you (he won't) or not. If you can't see a benefit to going, then don't.

In this scenario I would be your sister. He doesn't deserve the view of your back walking away. He did not consider the harm he would be doing to his children by abandoning them - or if he did, he walked away anyway. You didn't deserve that then and he doesn't deserve you now, imo.

He’s reaping the consequences of his actions and you owe him nothing.

Could you send a letter regarding the other child? That way its less emotional than a face to face?

I went nc with my father 40ys ago as he was being so manipulative that even my bf at the time had a wtf moment. Years later my db mentioned that he was in hospital suffering from heart failure and wouldn't last long. I made the decision not to go as he had "died" 40yrs previously and I'd had no regrets over going nc. He died and he had mentioned 3 of his 4 children in his will. One had some inheritance, 2 were specifically mentioned that he hadn't left them anything (yep!), the 4th who was supposed to be close to him had no mention. Nothing. My father screwed three of his children over in death. The two who were told they had nothing were the two that had gone nc so didn't care. The one who wasn't mentioned is still having emotional problems 10yrs later as to why his dad didn't mention him. I tell you this to say that if you do go visit you must protect yourself. Manipulative bleepheads can still screw you after death if you're not careful.

Oh. And despite being told I wasn't worthy as a daughter and couldn't have a penny, it actually had the opposite effect. It made me laugh that I had managed to annoy him enough that he put it in writing.

This sounds quite clinical, but in your shoes I would ask myself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ If it would give you closure, or relief, or a sense of calm, then yes, see him. If it would cause you distress or anger or regret, then don’t. I agree with a previous poster who said there was no point hoping he will change. He won’t now.

Don't give him the emotional energy he didn't spend any on you! Value yourself. Maybe use the time for therapy. Even a short course can do wonders to unpack these things.

I visited my dying Mother & took the 'higher ground' She didn't appreciate it.
It was costly, both emotionally & financially - more then I could afford in both cases. OP, don't feel obliged

I had a similar situation. I visited. He died. I'm glad I went. It made me feel better that I had been. But everyone is different

It is desperately sad. If it helps, I discovered that as I dealt with the complicated emotions after his death, I was also working through the loss of the life we didn’t have as father & daughter. I didn’t know that was happening until I was back through the other side.

I guess in some ways when you’ve spent a lifetime mourning a parent who was alive, but not present or available, their death finally allows you to call it what it was, grief.

Its totally your choice.

Im at a point where I haven't spoken to my dad for 8 years. I don't want him in my life, there's no point. But I'd be pretty upset if he died and I'd never spoken to him again. Still a way off yet at he's in his 60's I think.

So sorry to read this, I agree it is grief for a life and the love you could have had, they just can't be who you need them to be. I am so envious of people with Dads who love them.

My Dad is now 90. I went no contact in 2000, we only made contact when he wrote to me in 2016 when my husband died. He writes with advice as though I'm a teenager (I'm 65), and I tolerate it, it obviously makes him feel better for being an adulterous prick and making our childhood hell. He will never apologise. Unfortunately my brother and SIL, whom I'm also no contact with, are now his carers and because they want all his money, I think my letters are now being binned.

This sounds good.

Don't be quilted into anything and do whatever will make you feel better. He hasn't been a father to you, so you don't have to pretend.

My best friend's father passed away recently. She didn't go to see him nor did she go to his funeral. He left when she was young after continually cheating on her mum. Often he wouldn't turn up to pick her up when they had agreed and she was all packed and ready.

She had a lifetime of being let down by her father. She doesn't regret anything.

Um - go, stay civil and calm, but be honest.
Ask him about his own childhood.
Ask him about how he felt when you and your sister were born.
How did he end up leaving you both? Did he not think you would ask where Daddy was?

He may be a dick about this but he may give you some answers.

Worth a punt as getting a bit of clarification might help you in the years to come. Do it for you, OP.

Of you don’t go you will never know. You might regret it. If you go and he is unpleasant that will be on him. Go.

Very true - their ability to continue to hurt via their will.
This can be inexplicably damaging to those completely unprepared for it.
Worth bearing in mind too.

I had a similar situation. Dreadful father as a child- estranged for years. We reconciled (but very limited relationship) and I did go and see him when he was dying - one of my siblings did the same - the other one didn't. i don't think any of us regrets what we did. i'm not sure I forgave him for how he treated me growing up but i sort of came to terms with it. I think if I hadn't reconciled with him/seen him dying/gone to the funeral I would have had regrets "what ifs" etc. But i did what was best for me - it may have coincided with what he wanted but to be honest that wasn't the driving force

This resonates with me so much.
I’m an only child.
Last time I saw my Dad was NYE 2007. My M&D split when I was 11, me and my Mum moved out and he moved his new partner (who happens to be my godmother) in.
I always tried to continue to have a relationship with my Dad but always felt like the outsider of his other family.
My Dad was always a gobshite and on that NYE, he said something that just made me snap- I left and I’ve never seen him since.
We continued to do Christmas/ Birthday/ Father’s Day cards. I called him on his 70th Birthday in August 2009 - he made no mention or question of why I hadn’t been in touch. He just talked about himself… I didn’t call again. Cards continued
2 years ago I moved so felt I had to tell him so cards didn’t continue to arrive at old address. I took the opportunity to write him a “warts an’ all” letter explaining why I left, what I thought of him and his actions both in the past and then. He eventually replied by email acknowledging receipt of it but none of the content.
We have continued with E cards and the odd email but I still have no inclination to see him.
He is 84, in good health (I think?) …. I have a good friend drive by his house sometimes to check if he’s still there. When the time comes, I don’t think I want to see him. I’ve said my piece, he hasn’t tried to apologise or even discuss my comments about him being a shit Dad. I don’t think I have anything to gain from seeing him. I don’t care about what he wants or would gain from it.
Only you know how you will feel about seeing him and how you will feel about your decision when he’s gone.

I’d go and see him and tell him how you feel, ask him what you want to. You might regret not doing so. It doesn’t have to be done in a confrontational way. If he gets aggro or doesn’t answer you have all you need to know really.

Gosh this is hard. Your poor mum struggling.

Do you have anything you want to say to him?

I think he's got a narrative in his head of how he was and that how he was able to deal with being a shit.

If he's isn't sorry now he never will be.

He's got a wife and kids who he's given everything to so you owe him nothing.

I think I would like even some acknowledgement, but probably won’t be able to get it. I am still a bit angry that he wrote to me last year, saying how fantastic his second daughters are because the visited, shaming me for not. Not one word of that letter asked about me or my kids, or how we are. For the first time ever I wrote back and said I found it extremely upsetting and hurtful to be compared, and I told him I was also upset that he had not once asked about my kids in 3 years. He completely ignored it and did not respond, which again hurt me. I rarely tell him how I feel, and if my kids had said that I’d be mortified and I would never leave it lie.

So I get how you feel @EnEspana I’ve said my piece, he hasn’t tried to apologise or even discuss my comments it’s like our pain doesn’t exist. I don’t even expect my Dad to change, but not to even acknowledge my feelings? That feels like being a child all over again and feeling invisible.

My mother also wrote to him, she’s quite ill, she wanted to try and help my sisters relationship by just opening up discussion with him. He replied ‘the past is in the past’ - and that was it, totally ignored her. Which actually also really angered me - she bought his kids single handed in very difficult circumstances.

Realising I have a bit of anger there! How to be at peace with that I guess for my own wellbeing.