To be paranoid about husbands

[jeffbezoz]

OK hear me out. I'm newly married but I keep reading threads of women being cheated on by their husbands. That they had no idea and trusted them. So it makes me sad to think that could ever be the case for my husband. I trust him of course but I've heard so many accounts now. I think we are more vulnerable as women because (most of the time) we have to sacrifice our careers for children. What can I do to ensure I feel safe and OK if the eventuality might occur. Sorry if that's pessimistic but I want to protect myself.

Remember that you're only hearing the worst stories on here- People don't post about how happy or contented they are.

1. Keep working, even after having children
2. Keep your friends/family close
3. Keep your own bank account with enough saved to see you through for at least 4 months

How I wish I knew these things before my 19 year relationship ended.
Even if your relationship lasts the distance, peace of mind is always a comfort.
I will teach this to my daughter.

I love the contrast between the first two posts 🤣

sadly, I agree with the second one. It’s better to be prepared & put yourself in a stronger position should the worst happen.

I honestly think more men are faithful than cheat. Of course some cheat but many don't and just wouldn't.

I think you need to look at what is making you focus so excessively on this. Is it your subconscious trying to bring your attention to red flags with your husband? Or could you have developed an obsession/hyperfocus on this? Are you scared of losing him? Worried that you’re not good enough? Getting to the bottom of this will help you work out the best way to deal with it, whether that’s working through the feelings, getting your ducks in a row or something else.

Don't marry him if you think he will cheat but yes stay I'm your career etc in case he does

In my life I have come across many cheating men (within my friend/family circle)

in practical terms I agree with the 2nd poster - ensure that you have the means to earn independently should it come to that. If you do go on Mat leave, plan ahead and ask your DH how you can both afford to live on his wage, including a pension for you, unless you are only going to be off for a short time. Ask how he sees "his" money on relation to "family money" and what he thinks his role in childcare etc should be / will be. Many many couples do not think about these things before going ahead to the next "obvious" thing of having a child and it all unravels very quickly.

I think seeing how he reacts to others cheating is a good thing to observe also.

@MyCatIsAFuckwit is good advice.

Don't sacrifice your career, whatever you do. Maintain independence. Invest time and effort in your relationship with your DH. Spend quality time together without the DC.

It’s nonsense that you have to sacrifice your career for your children, instead of it having a small and equal impact on both your careers.

Why do you even say that?

Don’t have a child until you are in a good financial position. You personally - not hanging on the coat tails of your partner. Then share the cost and career impact.

I’ve had 2 husbands (one current). I earn more than each of them, and have enjoyed continued promotions and pay increases since becoming a parent.

I’m not vulnerable at all, hence why I ended things sharpish when first husband cheated on me. It happens. It’s not the end of the world. You get over that faster than you do your own bad decisions.

As PP said the best way of protecting yourself is to keep working. Don’t give your career up to become a SAHP, especially if you’re unmarried. People don’t think of pensions so much when they’re in their 20’s, but when you’re 40 like me the annual pension statement suddenly is more interesting. A lot of the time on here when women discover affairs they are in a real dilemma about ending the marriage and largely because they are not working, no savings in their name, often house in husbands name, no bank account in their name. Do none of those things and if the worse does happen you’re in a much better position

@MyCatIsAFuckwit yes yes yes!
Don't rely on your husband for every thing because if/when it ends you are even more alone

I am a child of a divorce and I have always worked, have my own pension used childcare to continue working and have ensured I am not reliant on a man. My OH wanted me to become a SAHM and I laughed. We weren't married and I was not giving up my independence for him. Anyway me working has alllowed my children to have more opportunities

I think we are more vulnerable as women because (most of the time) we have to sacrifice our careers for children. .

This isn't true.

If you've not got kids, talk about how finances will be split if you have kids, how will you share night feeds, how will you deal with hobbies and leisure time and pick ups and drop offs and kids being ill. I think that gives a good idea of what kind of person he is.

Also, if you have kids, make sure that your partner shares maternity leave, drop offs and pick ups and sick days etc etc. It wont stop you breaking up but it does mean that your career won't be as affected, and you wont resent him as much

You'll do great on MN!

Meanwhile in the real world, no one starts a thread saying they've been married for XX years and we're happy.

I think we are more vulnerable as women because (most of the time) we have to sacrifice our careers for children

eh, yeah in the 50s maybe.

We need to tell our daughters not to give up their jobs for men and children.

To feel safe:

1. have your own income (enough to be able to provide for you and children without a second one)
2. have plenty of own savings
3. do not over-rely on a man emotionally nor physically

Nope, 21st! It is the woman who will be expected/pressured into reducing working hours/giving up job when they have children especially when they cannot afford childcare. In some even worse cases, it will be the woman doing it all: working full-time and all child/household responsibilities.

Then don’t marry some eejit who will force this, review your partner, your finances and make an informed decision.

“It is the woman who will be expected/pressured into reducing working hours/giving up job when they have children”

I’ll give you expected. Often.
I’ll even given you pressured - occasionally.

But women can make and own their own choices.

You can spend your whole life worrying about the what ifs. Or you could chose to take a positive view. Perhaps you don't hear about the successful marriages because they work and people don't need advice about how to make them work.

Or maybe you have doubts already about the veracity of your husband... Maybe it's worth listening to your gut. But just ask yourself first: is this a fact or an opinion? How you act on it is your choice.

Well don't sacrifice your career for him then. That's a choice not an inevitability.

I agree.

Men value you more when you coukd walk away but choose to stay.

Never give up working. Save every month. Have a secret savings account as well as a separate savings account he knows about.