To be paranoid about husbands

[jeffbezoz]

OK hear me out. I'm newly married but I keep reading threads of women being cheated on by their husbands. That they had no idea and trusted them. So it makes me sad to think that could ever be the case for my husband. I trust him of course but I've heard so many accounts now. I think we are more vulnerable as women because (most of the time) we have to sacrifice our careers for children. What can I do to ensure I feel safe and OK if the eventuality might occur. Sorry if that's pessimistic but I want to protect myself.

Avoid, at all costs, having children with a man who looks a bit confused when you don't agree you should always take the day off with sick children/organise their lives, because in their house his mum did it all.

LTB now!

Can they? Middle and upper SES (don't like saying class!) women in the West, maybe. Women with a lower SES and from non-Western societies/backgrounds have fewer choices.

No haha. That's not it.

@DamnUserName21 it’s a valid debate, but I think you’re splitting hairs in the context of this OP. @jeffbezoz needs to think about her choices, not just blindly say that she’d have to sacrifice her career.

Hardly splitting hairs, Testina. OP spoke generally about women being vulnerable/sacrificing careers. A lot of women don't have choices nor can make 'informed decisions' about giving up a job after kids. It's shows a lack of reality into the plight of women worldwide to assume otherwise.

DD and I overheard a conversation in a changing room of a pretty average high street store where a woman phoned her DP to ask if she was allowed to purchase a top. Now there might have been a good reason for this but the gist was very much asking his permission. It was an eye opener for DD and we had this very conversation.

Women get a year off work (only partly paid). Men don't get hardly any mat leave. Therefore men are more likely to progress faster in terms of promotion and wealth. Also men on average get paid more so women are more likely to sacrifice a day off their week to be the provider.

Men do not get "hardly any" leave. They just don't take it.

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

“Women get a year off work (only partly paid). Men don't get hardly any mat leave. Therefore men are more likely to progress faster in terms of promotion and wealth. Also men on average get paid more so women are more likely to sacrifice a day off their week to be the provider.”

Career progression doesn’t have a direct link to length of service.

I have female colleagues who have come from a year of maternity leave into a promotion.

I work with two board level women who job share.

I have out-earned both my husbands, easily. (both older than me and I “lost” 2 years to maternity leave).

Forget “averages”. Own your choices. Take responsibility for your own career and your own financial stability.

Do you earn more than your husband now?
If you don’t - why not?
And don’t blame it all on an average gender pay gap.

Everything in post 2 as a safety net but mainly:

Know and set your boundaries in your own mind, and be prepared to re-examine them every five years or so to see how you still feel.

What I mean is 'cheating' means different things to different people - and the lines you draw around this definition can mean different things to you at different points in your life.

Ignore how anyone else - especially on here - defines it - just go with what works for you.

For some people flirting, looking at porn, emotional reliance on another women aka 'the work wife' are okay, but for other people that's where they draw the line. Some people can forgive a drunken snog at the office party and others cannot.

Some people believe in second chances, others it's once and done.

Once you know exactly where your boundary lines are, you can't be pushed into a direction you don't want to go by the opinion of others, and you can't be gaslit or persuaded into staying with someone against your better judgement.

@MyCatIsAFuckwit this is great advice

This

Hide the relationship threads

@DamnUserName21 OP said, “What can I do to ensure I feel safe and OK if the eventuality might occur. Sorry if that's pessimistic but I want to protect myself.”

I, I, I..

I don’t think this thread is about the plight of women worldwide. It’s an interesting tangent, sure - but my point is to the OP and her situation. Which I think is too passive to just shrug and say, “oh well - average gender pay gap.”

She needs to make choices that protect her.

I used to think cheating deceitful husbands were something that happened to other people. Until it happened to me. Now i think they are all capable of it. Lots of women are too of course.

Dont be a slave and dont be dependent on them for
Money. Then at least if it happens to
You, you are not
Totally fucked.

LTB.Even if he hasn't done something. It's the Mumsnet mantra. 🤔

Keep your choices open. When children are in the picture both parents have a responsibility to provide so always make sure you are in a position to provide for yourself and your children. There are high levels of divorce now but that’s more because women are in a position to make choices. I like to think that there’s a larger percentage of marriages where both people are there because it’s right for them rather than because they have no other option. If you have children and choose part time, see if you can split that between you rather than it being only you. People change as they get older and what’s right for you both now may not be the right choice in the future but accept that’s a possibility and make sure you both keep the options open. That way you can ensure that staying together in a fulfilling relationship is a positive choice

Always look at prospective partner how they treat other people, their mother, their sister, their coworkers, people in public. Don't marry anyone who can't fend for themselves domestically or financially. Ideally never become totally financial reliant on anyone else. Earn your own money, have your own savings/access to cash.

Wise. Still, leave him. Still nothing good will ever come off trying to reconcile the previous behaviour. You're better off being alone.

Have you ever spoken to your husband about having kids? What his idea of family life is like once maternity ends?

I dont agree with a lot of the things you're saying. They are very blanket outdated ideas.
Every single woman I know, friends, family, extended family have taken mat leave and gone back to work after a year. I've never known anyone personally IRL who's given up their career to raise children.
Most of the women I know, earn the same as the men in their field. I have family members where both husband and wife do the same job and the wife gets paid the same or more.
And that's across a range of careers and wage brackets.

All that being said, it's just common sense to have a level of financial independence regardless. I never had a joint account with exh. We shared outgoings. Split the sale of the house. It wasn't hard.

I became a SAHP 8 yrs ago and while at the time it felt like the right path (my kid are autistic) I’ve spent the last year really trying to figure out how I will get back to being financially independent so I agree with the advice given here. Keep your job or at the very least reduce your hours/start a WFH business but don’t rely on anyone else financially.

Best advice for a happy marriage? Don't have children.

Every child free couple I know, including me and DH, have been married a long time (at least 25 years) and are happy. All first marriages.

Most of the couples I know with children are divorced. Some more than once and they almost all say when they had children was when the marriage started to go wrong

Our childless friends, he had a long term affair. She found out when she found the mortgage paperwork in his suit pocket she was taking to the cleaners.

Your theory is flawed..

I understand not fully relying on a man for these things, but honestly - if one is this independent (not ised as an buzz word) what is even the point of the man?
It’s not like they make amazing company.
Would be easier just to stay single, and if wanted kids, to have a soerm donor.

She is newly married. It’s literally in the first sentence of the OP.