To ask how you deal with in laws who don’t like you when you have children?

[Autumnalfeels01]

My in laws have never liked me, SIL hasn’t ever really tried to disguise the fact, she’s civil but that’s about it and being in her company is so awkward. MIL is as fake two faced, all gushy and all over me one minute and then cool and aloof the next. She’s thick as thieves with SIL and it’s clear they bitch about me but I don’t have any hard evidence so it’s difficult to confront them.

There’s never been any big arguments or anything, it’s just MIL and SIL being territorial over DH and wanting to be the no 1 women in his life and just not liking the fact he met and married someone and so they’re not his no 1 priority anymore. He still sees them a lot and does a lot for both of them, but yes, things change slightly when you get into your 30’s and marry etc.

DH has admitted they sometimes seem a bit ‘frosty’ and aloof towards me but he’s confronted them before and asked if they have a problem with me and if so, what it is and they just say of course they don’t, there’s no issue etc.

Anyway, all of this hasn’t really been an issue as I just avoid them as much as possible, but we had our first DC 4 months ago and honestly, I’m struggling. Everytime we see SIL and MIL they just monopolise my baby and I barely get near them all day. They’re obsessed with the baby and yet still cool and dismissive towards me.

I want my baby to have a good relationship with their family and I know they’d be a loving family for them, but I’m struggling because A) I have to see them more and we just have nothing in common and it’s so awkward and 2) I just feel resentful towards them and weirdly guarded and possessive re my baby.

How do I get over this for DC’s sake? How do you cope with in laws that adore your DC but are cool towards you?

I don’t really understand these threads. We all know how difficult it is to click with other people at the best of times, and make new friends as adults but we expect people that we’re thrown together with to love us and be all over us? As long as they’re not being outright horrible to you and making an effort why would you take it to heart so much?

Because it is jarring when it is someone you have to deal with. MIL was much worse with me initially and I was so upset - I mean, I'm not the greatest thing since sliced bread but I try to get on with people and have difficulty with having to deal regularly with someone who doesn't want to. I'd learned at that point not to care about people disliking me on the whole as I'd accepted that, whatever you're like, someone will dislike you and that's not your fault - but it was different dealing with it at close quarters.

And also that some of MIL's dislike was placed on what I felt was a totally wrong basis - like she seemed to see me and my family as on a socially lower stratum than her when I'd consider our backgrounds to be exactly the same (not that it would have been a justifiable prejudice if I were!) but it was quite frustrating.

My son doesn’t have a relationship with ohs family because they can’t be civil to me. I don’t care that they don’t like me (you can’t like everyone) but you can be polite.

That they can’t be bothered to even rise to the basics of civility means my in-laws have only met ds a handful of times.

Op stop letting them baby hog and stop facilitating a relationship between your child and toxic people.

Be assertive with them when they are monopolising your baby, stand over them until,they hand him back. If they try to take him out of your arms or his pram,say he’s fine where he is.

I totally accept not everyone will like you in life and generally if someone doesn’t like me, or I them, I just avoid them like the plague and don’t give them the time of day, I’d never socialise with them.

But here I don’t have a choice, this isn’t an acquaintance or a work colleague who I can just choose not to spend time with, these are DH’s family members who come to my home etc. I resent having to have people in my home who treat me as though I don’t have a right to be there and I detest going to see them in their home because I’m more vulnerable, but again, I try and get out of it as much as possible but it isn’t always possible and there’s no way I’m letting my baby go there without me at the moment, so for now I have to suck it up. Doesn’t mean I like it though.