To ask how you deal with in laws who don’t like you when you have children?

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My in laws have never liked me, SIL hasn’t ever really tried to disguise the fact, she’s civil but that’s about it and being in her company is so awkward. MIL is as fake two faced, all gushy and all over me one minute and then cool and aloof the next. She’s thick as thieves with SIL and it’s clear they bitch about me but I don’t have any hard evidence so it’s difficult to confront them.

There’s never been any big arguments or anything, it’s just MIL and SIL being territorial over DH and wanting to be the no 1 women in his life and just not liking the fact he met and married someone and so they’re not his no 1 priority anymore. He still sees them a lot and does a lot for both of them, but yes, things change slightly when you get into your 30’s and marry etc.

DH has admitted they sometimes seem a bit ‘frosty’ and aloof towards me but he’s confronted them before and asked if they have a problem with me and if so, what it is and they just say of course they don’t, there’s no issue etc.

Anyway, all of this hasn’t really been an issue as I just avoid them as much as possible, but we had our first DC 4 months ago and honestly, I’m struggling. Everytime we see SIL and MIL they just monopolise my baby and I barely get near them all day. They’re obsessed with the baby and yet still cool and dismissive towards me.

I want my baby to have a good relationship with their family and I know they’d be a loving family for them, but I’m struggling because A) I have to see them more and we just have nothing in common and it’s so awkward and 2) I just feel resentful towards them and weirdly guarded and possessive re my baby.

How do I get over this for DC’s sake? How do you cope with in laws that adore your DC but are cool towards you?

If you don't make an effort with me, I don't facilitate your relationship with my child. I wouldn't stand in the way but as I'm the organiser, it certainly shows

I just suck it up, try not to snap back too often and breathe through it. You will probably find plenty of people here saying you should cut off contact etc, but as you say they are your child’s family. As long as they are nice to my children, I ignore as much as possible. We see them in the week usually, so ut doesn't mess up my weekends. In hindsight, I don't think that either of my grandparents liked the parent of mine that married in to their family, so the cycle continues! Sorry that doesn't solve any of your problems.

I wouldn't facilitate a relationship with them for your DC, and I certainly wouldn't encourage one. Why would you want your DC to have a relationship with people who are openly hostile towards you? You owe them nothing.

I wish I could do this but I just feel like my DC will miss out as they ARE loving GP and Aunty, they’re just obviously not keen on me (and the feeling’s mutual now after years of trying hard to please them, I realised a long time ago I can’t)

Family my side is small, DM adores DC, my sibling isn’t overly interested but they’re not really interested in children full stop so I don’t expect much from them anyway. I’m just worried DC is in danger of growing up without much family so don’t want to alienate the family they do have…but equally I really struggle having to see people that don’t like me more often and also, to allow them to be close to the thing that is the most precious thing in the world to me.

It's tricky when they're teeny because obviously you want to be there. But once your child is older you'll probably be glad that you can drop them off with Grandma or aunty for some free babysitting and go out to do something you want to do.

I do as @roarfeckingroarr does.

I think you just have to suck it up tbh. If they love your kids and are civil to you i think yiu shoukd just get on with it for your child's and husband's sake.

I guess I just wouldn’t have the brass neck to be funny to someone and yet still think I could be all over their child. That’s a CF to the highest order imo.

You've said nothing that makes me think they've been funny with you though. As long as they are not rude to you and they try to keep the peace, I don't think you should deprive your kids of that side of their family.

I am from a big family, as is my husband. I know 100% that both sides of our families would move heaven and earth for us if need be. You would be doing your family a disservice to whittle down the numbers of people who they can rely on, on the basis of perceived slights.

It’s definitely not perceived, I’ve had many people over the years comment on the way they are with me….including 3 people after my wedding when they saw what they were like with me on the day. It’s noticeable, yet subtle and like I say, DH has tried to ask them over the years what exactly their problem is but they always just insist their isn’t one and change the subject and so he just leaves it. I could have it out with them and ask, in fact I did once and got told I was being ‘silly’ and had ‘got it all wrong’ but couldn’t give any reasoning for their behaviour towards me over the years. They’re two faced and cowards, I think they’re scared to admit they don’t like me as they think DH will cut ties with them or something.

OK well maybe they don't like you. But I wouldn't cut ties with anyone if I honestly thought they truly loved my children. I hope you get it sorted out.

Can I ask if you are the main person facilitating the relationship with them? If you are then you stop and let your OH take over - please withdraw from this toxicity it is not helpful. And it’s certainly not ok for your children to be in company with people who treat you differently.

My FIL cannot stand me and hasn't since about a year after we got together. We have 2 kids and I let him deal with sorting out time with the children. If his parents are having the kids for the day it is all arranged through my partner and MIL usually picks them up on her own. If my partner takes the kids to spend time altogether I stay home or make other plans. Not great but better than the children seeing their mum and granddad arguing.

Please don’t think that being possessive about your own baby is weird. You’re the mum, it’s your job to be possessive!
If DH has noticed the frostiness it must definitely be happening. I believe you.
I can’t be doing with people who are all over a baby but cold to the mother. Not on at all. You don’t have to see them more and you certainly don’t have to let them “monopolise” your baby and be rude to you at the same time.
I agree with PPs that it’s not in your child’s best interests for you to facilitate a relationship with them when that relationship involves them treating you like this. They must know they’re doing it, in fact I suspect their gushing over your baby while they freeze you out is a nice new way for them to hurt you. They’re using the child as a tool to hurt you, knowing that it’s hard for you to complain because “they love him”.
I understand that you want your children to have aunts and GPs who love them. But you and your dh should put a stop to this “monopolising”, it’s a power play.

It's totally your call and not up to me to tell you what to do. But my own opinion is that they are NOT particularly loving to their GC if they can't be decent towards DC's mother. Are they likely to try and undermine you later on in front of DC?

I would t facilitate them seeing your baby. Let your partner sort that out and don't make any effort yourself.

My mother in law hates me. She doesn't think I'm good enough for her son and wishes he was with his ex.

We have a 5 year old. I made an effort at first but when she kept on accusing me of not doing so, I withdrew and my DH/DD now see them without me. They either go over to their place for an afternoon or invite them round whilst I am doing stuff with my mum.

I wouldn’t facilitate a relationship with anyone who couldn’t treat me with decency. It’s laying foundations for them to undermine me in the future and I’m not at home to that shit.

Also, I know no one loves confrontation, but I could literally not be in a relationship with someone let alone be married to them and not have dealt with the issue. I also wouldn’t allow someone to treat my DH like that either and they wouldn’t get away with brushing me off either.

You cultivate a closeness with your children and prepare for a shit show in a few years.

Agree

But my own opinion is that they are NOT particularly loving to their GC if they can't be decent towards DC's mother

100% this. I don’t especially like some of DH’s family. I’m nothing but pleasant to them and they are to me. It’s how you behave with family.

I think you should have it out. Tell them that they make you feel shit in their manner towards you and that you’re struggling with the idea that you should facilitate for your child a close relationship with people who treat his/her mother with contempt. That your child will become aware of their feelings sooner than they think and they will be very difficult for him/her. You think it is wrong in lots of ways. What do they suggest ?

You wrote my story. Exact same thing. I couldn’t cope with it as very sensitive and I felt sick every time we had to see them. I backed off and their true feelings became apparent. It’s almost non-contact with SIL and it’s a shame for my kids but I don’t think they would have had much in common anyway as our values are totally different. I am envious of people parading their big happy families on FB but what can you do. You have to accept and in many ways it has made us a close little bunch.

How can you allow your child to be around somebody as vile as that? If he can argue with you on front of your child then mark my words - he WILL be bitching about you in front of those children. Without a doubt

This! FIL makes it clear he despises me. DH goes to see him out of duty a couple of times a year, will sometimes take the kids. We would see him a whooooooole lot more if FIL was a bit nicer to me! So, his own fault.

Ugh, I know the akwardness. I've made peace with the fact that although MIL is mostly OK with me, she's never always OK with anyone, even her best friends. She generally treats me all right - has a go now and then, but, as I said, she has a go at everyone around her sometimes.

I always felt a bit awkward when kids were younger as she's generally judgemental and I always worried how to 'be' with her with kids as I figured she'd easily see me as either hovering around them too much when with her and 'not letting her have her time with them' or 'leaving her to look after them'. I think it got easier when I decided just accept she was gonna think what she was gonna think.

They live very locally so we saw them a lot so I knew I would have to deal with the slight awkwardness of being in their house and got used to it eventually.