To ask how you deal with in laws who don’t like you when you have children?

[Autumnalfeels01]

My in laws have never liked me, SIL hasn’t ever really tried to disguise the fact, she’s civil but that’s about it and being in her company is so awkward. MIL is as fake two faced, all gushy and all over me one minute and then cool and aloof the next. She’s thick as thieves with SIL and it’s clear they bitch about me but I don’t have any hard evidence so it’s difficult to confront them.

There’s never been any big arguments or anything, it’s just MIL and SIL being territorial over DH and wanting to be the no 1 women in his life and just not liking the fact he met and married someone and so they’re not his no 1 priority anymore. He still sees them a lot and does a lot for both of them, but yes, things change slightly when you get into your 30’s and marry etc.

DH has admitted they sometimes seem a bit ‘frosty’ and aloof towards me but he’s confronted them before and asked if they have a problem with me and if so, what it is and they just say of course they don’t, there’s no issue etc.

Anyway, all of this hasn’t really been an issue as I just avoid them as much as possible, but we had our first DC 4 months ago and honestly, I’m struggling. Everytime we see SIL and MIL they just monopolise my baby and I barely get near them all day. They’re obsessed with the baby and yet still cool and dismissive towards me.

I want my baby to have a good relationship with their family and I know they’d be a loving family for them, but I’m struggling because A) I have to see them more and we just have nothing in common and it’s so awkward and 2) I just feel resentful towards them and weirdly guarded and possessive re my baby.

How do I get over this for DC’s sake? How do you cope with in laws that adore your DC but are cool towards you?

Mine don't see my kids end of 🤷‍♀️
They are toxic and my kids don't need them in any way!

They sound toxic to me. If someone blatantly doesn’t respect me I don’t bother facilitating relationships. They must be expecting a relationship regardless of how they treat you so I’d be teaching them some lessons so maybe they’ll humble themselves a bit (I did this with my own in laws but that was a deliberate power play on their part, cultural patriarchy stuff) sooner or later they’ll be undermining your parenting in front of your dc and that will really wind you up. From what I’ve seen kids tend to be close to the people the mother is close to, as it’s easier and less draining for the mother to facilitate those relationships. Let your DP deal with it unless you want to ‘be kind’ and all that.

They would no way be allowed to monopolise my child when they’re frosty with the mum! Don’t do any of the organising, don’t let them monopolise your baby, who needs to be with his mum.

@Autumnalfeels01

I couldn't give a shit to be honest

My in laws don't have many morals and are controlling and awkward so I spend no time with them.

It's easier now dc are older and doing their own thing. Plus they see how toxic they can be

Surely this will make them more too faced? X

You don’t have to see them more often. The frequency of visits doesn’t actually have to increase.

I wouldn’t be sending baby over without me though, even with DH present. The two of you are a package deal at this stage.

what I would do is get a sling and use it as a defense shield to help stop them from monopolizing the baby. Your voice should be enough, but sometimes that can be hard to find.

I wouldn't let my DC see anyone that doesn't respect me or is rude to me.

Another thing I will mention is in my culture (the patriarchy bit) the in laws often have a good hold of the dc and dp but happily disrespect the mother, in many cases it’s very subtle and this is allowed to go on, so when dc are older they think their mother being treated like this is totally fine because grandparents are so kind to them. It really puts the position of the mother really low down in the pecking order, undermines her authority and they find they can’t discipline them the way they want. There is often a problem Dh there too who doesn’t say much. Just bear that in mind.

it's a shame you're at baby groups when they ask to see DC and you've had to cut right back on the amount of contact they have...
could you visit them rather than them come to you when you do have to suffer them? That way you can leave when you want to?

DH has tried to ask them over the years what exactly their problem is but they always just insist there isn’t one and change the subject so he just leaves it.

Why does your DH just give up? He isn't dealing with it. He's accepting their story and then backing down.

Imagine still having to deal with this in 10, 15, or 20 years time. This will fester between you as years go by unless you sort it out, and the more you are told to visit them for Christmas or your DC's celebrations and have to put up with this treatment, the more you will resent the fact that they still think it's OK to behave like that towards you.

As pp further up the thread said they've found a new way to display their dislike of you and hurt you, it's just not a healthy scenario to be in for you or your children long term.

It's childish and it's mean. It's successful under the radar bullying.
Your DH is condoning it by not telling them that. Every time he raises it and lets them squash it, and then argue that it's all your imagination is a win for them and gives them more confidence to continue this behavior and that is why they are happy doing this game with your baby right out in the open.
If your DH can't challenge them on this, you should.
It won't be easy, there could be a fall out, but the alternative is letting things continue as they are and sucking it up which could lead to a more damaging fall out in the future. Perhaps you could both talk with a counsellor and find a strategy to deal with it together.

Okay, frosty but not outright hostile or mean can be worked with. I completely understand you wanting your DC to have a lovely relationship with his family on both sides. I wanted the same and like you, I had some issues with my MIL and two SIL’s to begin with, although mine was more outright hostile and several uncomfortable chats had to be had because of it. The fastest way to get round it is to message your MIL to say “are you at home and free?” and turn up with a bottle of wine and just say what you’ve said here and try and get to the bottom of why they don’t make any effort with you. After this, kill them with kindness. Make an effort to send them photos and videos of your DC. Put them in the mad outfits they buy for them. Invite them to occasional playgroup sessions/walks.

In my case, it was that they made a judgement on me based on not really knowing me and tbh I probably did the same for them (we were 2 years dating by this point). I made the effort to forgive for my now husband - never forgot though- but our relationship has since improved by a million. A lot has to do with how they treat my DS and I feel very lucky that he will grow up having lovely aunties and grandparents that adore him.

I’m very aware that this will go against most of the posts on here who will tell you to go NC with all of them but realistically is that what you want for either you or your DC? You just need to focus on the bigger picture and be the bigger person in this case. Obviously if you do all this and they are still knobs then I agree to cut them off but I’m hopeful this can be resolved for you.

My ex-MIL was like this - it's the territorial over the son. She influenced (bullied?) her DD into being similar. It was OK-ish until ex-DH and I divorced. Until then if they came to see us I would cook, make them welcome (order the special drinks etc), talk football (their interest not mine - but thank you Metro - your back page saved me a many Friday evening conversation). None of it was really enough - no real bonds were formed. But JFC after the divorce. (He had an affair). I was bad-mouthed to everyone, referred to by my surname only, bad-mouthed in front of my DC.

Unfortunately for anyone on here swearing blind they will never let anyone like that be in their kids lives - family court regard this as minor, and parenting differences. So if your ex chooses to take his DC to see their GPs there is nothing you can do.

I am sure (very strongly) that my ex-MIL and her DD are both autistic. They cannot cope with change; with life being broader than they expect. So much of their reaction to the divorce was reaction to change outside their control. But after many years I no longer care. But the icing on the cake for me is that the affair partner (10y+) will barely spend time with them - noticeable to my DC. At least I made a genuine effort. OP - you will need to live with you, now and into the future. I look back and know I tried. Really tried.

You don't get over it ,they learn to be respectful!

I could be you, except my in laws were openly hostile unless DH was around. I went on to have 3 DC, but they weren’t the golden GC who ended up living with them (all other GC were second class to this one, not just mine).
We went on holiday with them, and whilst we were there, MIL and SIL were posting on BIL’s Facebook about ways that they could hurt me/eliminate me! All joking of course 🙄
This finally opened my DH’s eyes to how they treated me, he had asked them previously if they had a problem with me and they strenuously denied it. I had bit my lip and put up with the bad behaviour and spite for 15 years at this point because I wanted my DC to have a “family”.
We have been nc since 2014 and my life has become infinitely easier, we argue less and I feel less stress.
Try talking to them, to see if you can get to the bottom of things if you want to try and have a better relationship with them. But ultimately if they are making you miserable or destroying your self esteem then you may have to detach yourself from the toxic environment.

@thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch

We shouldn't have to try so hard though. .
I also tried and it cost me emotionally to a severe degree because people often have other problems at the same time.
I will definitely be advising DC to be as polite and friendly as possible and... if they don't have any commons ground aside from partner,fine..find a way to be around them.

But do not, under any circumstances, at all accept natsy or negative behaviour, at all .
Make it crystal clear it's not acceptable and very simply to the partner. . don't get into any discussion or Argy bargy.

Enough. I won't be spoken too/treated like that...no.

@Nosleepforthismum

Having a chat is a good idea but it's also a two way street.

In law's must also be willing to try and make an effort.

Completely agree. I’m hoping for the OP they will be receptive to her as I think most reasonable people would be but I appreciate it cannot just be a one way street.

@MightyOaks You could argue that I'm as bad because I fought back. I probably started my fair share of arguments but I can't sit quietly while he's sitting there spouting crap about things he knows nothing about. My partner has a right to take his kids to see his parents just as I do. He has told his dad in no uncertain terms that if he ever bad mouths me in front of him and the kids or if the kids ever come home and say granddad has said anything about me it will be the last time he sees them.

This is a sensible post.
It's not enough for DH to ask them what their problem is and then just drop it when they deny everything.
He needs to tell them very firmly that whatever the reason for it, their behaviour is unacceptable, and that they should treat you with a minimum of politeness and respect, as his wife and the mother of their grandchild (or niece/nephew) whatever their feelings about you. He needs to make it very clear that this is non-negotiable and if they can't/won't treat you with more respect, they won't be seeing you or the baby.
If he's not willing to do that, you have a DH problem.

Oh and I advise you to read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward. Helpful book.

It's a funny one isn't it? My mum's mum couldn't stand my dad really. She wasn't ever outright rude to him but I don't think I ever heard a conversation between them and certainly not initiated by her. He couldn't ever really do anything right in her opinion and she would occasionally make snide comments to my mum about him. As I got older she would do the same to me.

I adored my granny. She was the kindest, sweetest, most loving person. She doted on me and my brother and would do anything for us or our mum.

Beyond the odd comment and eye roll, my dad never ever tried to stop us or my mum having a relationship with her. He accepted she was my mum's mum and our granny. To be fair he didn't do a lot of the facilitating but he could have made it a lot more awkward.

I loved both my dad and granny and accepted the situation for what it was. By the time I was old enough to recognise it, I was old enough to understand that not everyone in a family gets on but that I had two people who loved me despite not particularly liking each other.

I would make sure we live nowhere near them and go LC/NC. Your DC won’t be missing out by having limited contact with people who treat you, the most important person in the world to them, as a second class citizen.

My MIL gets me a token afterthought gift for Christmas and birthdays while DH and DC (and of course DH’s siblings) are given far better and more expensive presents. She also suggested that only DH and DC1 visited her and FIL, leaving the less favoured family members (me and DC2) behind. I wonder why we haven’t been to see them for years now 🧐

And ILs’ gifts match those they give me, as DH has never bought them anything in his life 😁

What have they actually done though? Is it more of a feeling you get or a snub? I don't think you're going to be everyone's cup of tea (none of us are), but as long as they're not calling you names, gaslighting you, being rude to your face etc then I'd let it go. I would let my dh support the relationship as much as people and see how they get on. In my experience men are pretty rubbish at this. Maybe along the line they'll start respecting you more.
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Read the book on Toxic In-laws, and get your DH too as well.

Invest in and use a sling for the baby when you see them.

Break the cycle of them monopolising the baby early on.

Good Lord did you ‘really try’… reading the sports page of the Metro to talk about a subject you had no interest in? Why do women subsume themselves to please others? Fuck that shit. You have to be yourself. Always.

Op - same to you - be yourself. Be vocal and don’t be quietly making life easy for them. Try not to be fearful about making things as awkward and uncomfortable as they do to you. I agree that DC thrive with extended family that love them. I’m all for that. They get to see a safe glimpse of what other adults can do to facilitate their development and esteem.

BUT… don’t be afraid to say ‘right, Charlie needs to eat now so come to mummy…’ or ‘ok, nap time now - come on Charlie come to mummy for a cuddle - I’ll settle you down…’ and ‘Excuse me granny - but don’t blank me - Charlie has a routine and he’s going to stick to it’ or ‘why do you come here if you’re going to be disrespectful?’

Stare them full on the face with a stern look. Face them down. You’ve got nothing to lose.