Neighbours ALWAYS out the front!

[cherrymilkshake]

I need to have a rant about my neighbours.
They are constantly out the front of their house!
They are a nice elderly couple but they are really keen to talk to anyone they can so they spend as much time as possible doing "jobs" out the front.

This is causing me and DH quite a lot of stress because when going to and from work, or picking our DD up from nursery they want a chat, and I don't mean a quick one, I mean a full on catch up and we just don't have the time for it; nor do I want to be that friendly with them.
Sounds harsh but I've never had neighbours so interested in my life before, and they dote on my DD like she's their grandchild and it's a bit too much for me. (I'm bracing myself for the replies after writing that bit!)

We also have another DC on the way and I'm already nervous of maternity leave and being bothered whenever we're in the garden (the man talks over the fence 🙄) and probably getting knocks in the door when I'm sleeping etc!

Sounds awful but the man is 77 and I'm wondering when he might slow down a bit.. anyone else had a similar situation?

I'm old.

I don't accost neighbours for forced social contact & ignore their body langauge cues. Neither do I invade their privacy by yapping at them over the fence without invitation when they are in their back gardens.

It's got sod-all to do with age, & everything to do with not bothering to read the room.

Why would they knock on the door when you’re on maternity leave?

YABTOTALLYU

Just say hello and ask how they are. It costs you nothing. Too many people on MN see friendliness as some sort of affront. You should be glad they show an interest in you/your child.

Omg this is fine, just chitchat briefly whilst walking into/from your house. We have this abit and you just get used to it. I quite liked the brief interaction especially in lockdown when we couldn't see anyone and usually i think of myself as antosocial 🤣 I realised that talking to my neighbours about random pleasant stuff was much better than being lonely and quietly seething with rage inside my house. 😉

how do you stop that when they are mid flow and can see you aren’t going anywhere without being rude? Once or twice you can stop them by saying you’ve got dinner on the hob but when they do it DAILY then you run out of excuses and you either come off as rude or you have to subject yourself to 20 minute chats every time you step outside your door.
You don't give excuses.
You STATE that you don't have time to chat.
Couldn't be simpler, couldn't be more clear.

However ...
My DH is much better at the quick hello than me, quite often he'll walk in from his car and just put his hand up, won't say say word and carry on walking. He's often said the man looks a bit puzzled when he doesn't chat.
Don't bash me for this but I almost feel like that's more acceptable from a man!? I always end up trying to keep waking then getting slower and slower as they ask me a question, then I stop to answer them and then I'm stuck
You don't mysteriously end up getting stuck.
You made a choice to stop walking, & respond.
Instead of blaming sexism & saying you can't do it because you're not a man, why don't you just copy your husband's method?

how do you stop that when they are mid flow and can see you aren’t going anywhere without being rude? Once or twice you can stop them by saying you’ve got dinner on the hob but when they do it DAILY then you run out of excuses and you either come off as rude or you have to subject yourself to 20 minute chats every time you step outside your door.

@Condescendingtwats (love the moniker btw) - it's not a choice between rudeness or subjecting yourself to 20 minute chats.
People who suffer from this quandary (& I used to be one of them) don't have a neighbour problem. They have a problem with how they frame their own wishes, & a problem with asserting themselves.
It is not RUDE to not wish to have a 20 minute chat.
It's pretty rude to expect one from someone who is plainly trying to get away through.

Once you can accept that amazing fact, the whole, nonsense "mustn't be rude!" imperative disappears. You do not owe people extended social contact. A quick hello how are you golly gotta dash is perfectly sufficient to cover the social contract. When you finally lose the shackles of some social constraints - particularly those imposed upon women - you also lose the need for excuses.
Because you don't need excuses when your own reasons are good enough for you.

Don't feel like 20 minutes of idle chat? Don't do it! Not rude, not a problem, & if you feel your interlocutor has a problem with it - that is very much THEIR problem, & not your to fix by giving social time you do not wish to offer.

I have a marvellous old chum who married my oldest pal & moved in with her to her small village. Really nice chap, great social skills, but also great boundaries.
He pretty much taught me everything above, in 2 minutes flat.
We were walking back from their local to their home, & passed a couple of neighbours. The "just stopping for a natter" body language was obviously emanating from them, & my mate was magnificent. With absolute charm & courtesy, he delivered his standard "lovely to see you, can't stop, have a great evening" without breaking a single step.

He did it twice in those 2 minutes, with exactly the same phrases.
When I asked him about it, he said to never offer explanations or excuses, just to keep on trucking, & using the same words every time just is not a problem. It gets the message over much more clearly than fob-offs or hints or excuses. Other people simply have to accept that you just do not want to stop & chat.
He also, hilariously, said that he despised both neighbours we encountered, but there was no need to let them know that because his M.O. allows him to keep a distance while observing all the required social niceties. Because it makes it absolutely clear that you are prepared to be civil, but you are NOT prepared to get waylaid in chat.

That's not rudeness - it's diplomatic genius.

I’m in the bright and breezy camp. People often assert in these situations that the neighbours are lonely with zero context about the individuals involved. They might be, but it’s not your responsibility to meet a desire in someone else for extended social interaction.

Quite so @cherrymilkshake

On threads like these, there will also always be a couple of PP who pop up to declare "Be Kind you meanies, one day you will be old & lonely!"

Yeah ... nope. I'm already old, & I'm not lonely because I don't go about pissing off my neighbours or good friends by inveigling them into ad hoc social chitchat they don't want.

It's just intrusive and nosey if you ask me.
When I'm in my 70s I certainly wouldn't make the couple in their 30s next door feel this way! If anything I would desperately try not to be an annoying old neighbour.

In all seriousness though, can I expect the man by 80 to slow down a bit?

Move

One more thing to add, the woman makes it very clear she thinks I work too much considering I have a toddler, she'll stay stuff like "do you like working 4 days a week?" And "does Dd like going 4 days?"
"They feed her breakfast, lunch and dinner!?" Oh mind your own business!!!!

And if you walked on by, you wouldn't have to hear any of it OP.

Stop fixating on how much your neighbours annoy you, & start doing the one simple thing YOU can do to stop it from happening.

Of course!
Moving house is SO much less stressful than saying a quick polite hello to a neighbour while continuing to walk past them ...

Just say hello and keep walking. If they manage to get a question in just answer with a single word and a smile while you open the door and go in.

Get a higher fence, or plant something that grows bushy and high.

I do empathise with the rest. I'd feel stressed if I can't do my own thing in my garden. I'd feel watched.

Just smile, say a quick hello and keep walking. Higher fences in the garden too so that you and your family can have a bit of privacy in the summer. I have lived this life OP and its horrible not to be able to go into the garden or walk in/out your own house without nosey neighbours trying to ambush you.

OP I feel your pain. The worst time was when we lived next door (terraced cottage) to an 80 year old couple who had a right of way path through our garden. We barely ever used our lovely garden in the two years we lived there, because everytime we went out they would start talking over the fence or even bringing their chairs into our garden and we wouldn't be able to relax. At the time we didn't have kids but worked long hours, so some outdoor space would've been nice. They weren't always polite either - once the elderly gent accused me of flushing sanitary pads down the toilet and clogging up our shared drain... Literally never been so embarrassed, especially as I use cloth sanitary wear and it couldn't possibly have been me! His wife also regularly fed our old cat, despite me telling her (politely!) several times that he had severe allergies and stomach cancer, and had to have food from the vet. It was very stressful, we were so relieved to move. They must have been so desperate for attention that they chose to ignore how much we tried to avoid them..

England seems to have become such an unfriendly place in the last 20 years with people only interested in themselves. Whatever happened to looking out for your neighbours?

I’m so glad I live where I do and good neighbourly relations is something that people actively pursue and cherish.

Agree with Kettriken that you can be perfectly polite and assertive and put a stop to this right now.

As ever, if you are not really extrovert and friendly you are considered rude. Why is demanding engagement from others not considered rude?

This would stress me out as well. Fortunately even if my neighbours are in their front gardens they just say hi.

Friendly neighbours can be useful, but it can also be very intrusive and a problem if you fall out with them. If all you say is hi and occasionally take in a parcel for them you can't fall out with them over anything.

Stop being a 🥬 wave and say chat later. Rinse and repeat.

My always out front pensioner neighbours of years ago used to change into skimpy swimwear as soon as the sun came out and sit basking in the tiny, really tiny, west facing front garden for as many hours as they could fit in. I never adjusted to seeing them there and scuttled past as fast as I could. Just felt far too personal. Urgh.

I was being facetious 😁

Well don't you sound lovely!!!

We had this issue at our last house. I learned to smile, say hello and keep walking, do not stop.