To never stay at parents house again?

[MeowMeowPowerRangers]

Came to visit my parents for a few days with DC.

They have seem to have forgotten over the years how much hard work kids can be! Especially small children!

All I've had constantly is "be quiet DS6" "why doesn't he ever be quiet?!" He's just making quiet noises while playing not harming anyone! Becoming quite irate that he won't sit silently he's SIX for goodness sake!
He asks for a drink (quite important imo as he suffers with severe constipation) and I get "he doesn't need another bloody drink!" He asks for a biscuit at 7pm "you don't need one you had one this morning!"

This morning he was up at 10am, and they are loosing their rag with him wondering why he won't go to sleep at 8pm?!

AIBU to never stay over again? Still have a few more days of this and I just want to go home ughh! Apart from this I love my parents but I feel so uncomfortable and put off.

That's the reason we preferred to have the grandparents coming to us when DD was younger or when we were in the area for our main holiday (different country) we only stayed for a day or max two.

Even now when we stay with them (too elderly to fly to the UK) we always ensure we go out for part of the day and since my mum moved we even stay in. a holiday let and DD can have her peace.

If you. can, go out tomorrow and then just make sure you either stay not with them or they come to you.

Used to have this with an elderly relative. I loved her dearly but I did not want to sleep on a weird chair that pulled out into a “ mattress” ( I use the term loosely) on the floor. I invented an old friend who lived a few miles away who insisted I stayed with her. ( aka lovely hotel with room service and a pool)
Book an Airbnb or hotel next time, tell them it’s a friend, you won hotel vouchers, or just if they say no you insist on the hotel and it’s booked.

Honestly, OP?

I think the solution is to book a holiday home nearby.

I've spent over 40 years going 'back' to my parents, and for most of that time we took holiday homes (with or without DCs, as mine are now probably as old as you are!)

Three generations in a small house doesn't work.

I am sure your family love seeing you, but it's time for you to act responsibly, stop falling in with their idea of staying with them, and find an AirbnB or similar.

Problem solved.

Day out for tomorrow and then a hotel for future stays

If you can't leave, take your DS out during the day. And I wouldn't visit again or would stay somewhere else...I'd just tell them it's not an enjoyable visit for a young child so better if everyone has their own space.

I have a relative who demands visits from her DS and grandchildren (3 under 6) but lives in a cluttered house with lots of valuables and won't help supervise the children at all because "That's the parents' job". Which is fine, but she means one parent.... her DIL. While her DS is encouraged to go out and do stuff with his father (think golf, DIY etc.). Strangely enough, DIL refuses to visit more than about once a year and books a babysitter to help her when she visits, both of which my relative often complains about.

We have something similar when we go to my elderly parents. They just aren’t used to having little kids around and don’t have the energy to sustain a fully day with them. I’ve learned to manage by getting into a routine of breakfast and time with gps, then leave for day on our own for lunch and all day activities, then reconnect with gps for dinner and then little walk on our own after returning for bedtime for kids. It works for us and gets us through the visit. They want to see grandkids but 24x7 is too much.

Yes they are. They're constantly telling the poor kid off when they are not his parent and saying he can't have a drink! Neither of those things is their place.

If they do it again this visit I would stick up for him. In a sharp tone.

You have my sympathies, I have similar, although my parents stay with us at our house for two weeks 😫

You really don't have to tie yourself in knots over this OP.

Get through your stay this time, and then just make sure that you book accommodation nearby in future.

I know loads of families who don't stay in their parent's houses and once you have told them that's how it will be from now on, they will accept it.

I would take him out for the day and keep him out of their way for the rest of the time you're there. Aren't you all going out and about? Maybe DS is bored being stuck in a separate room with his toys? When mine were that age we would go out to somewhere like a zoo or National Trust, or at least a walk and a cafe for a treat.

I think three generations in one house especially if people are a bit set in their ways does not work unless your DPs are used to being around your DC and in your case obviously they aren't. In the future book a house elsewhere and tell them that it would be better if you had your own space. How many more days have you got there?

Why do they get to demand he goes to bed "now"? What does it matter if he watches his ipad what is there issue ffs its not hurting them there is no bloodshed no kidney needed ffs

I would think they would be more tolerant considering they have only seen their daughter and GC once this year. What is the harm in a biscuit at 7pm if he is hungry and if his routine disrupted so will his sleep be. I am a GM and leave decisions about food and drink for my DGDs to my DD and her husband if they are there too. You would think they would want the visit to be as enjoyable as possible given they live a long way away and don't see them very often.

OP, if your son is autistic and is acting quieter at your parents, he's probably masking and doing the best he can.

Even if he doesn't otherwise outwardly show that he's bothered.

I imagine once you're home he's going to need to decompress and might struggle with emotional regulation because he's masking around nit-picking grandparents.

He's not NT, and even if he were there's nothing quite so destructive to self worth than other people constantly getting on at you, it's just that he can't help it. He's doing his best and it's not good enough for them.

I think for your son's sake, and not your parents, you need to find a way to get home, or get out.

I would recommend you politely tell your parents why you're leaving, and set firm and supportive boundaries for your son for any future visits, and manage their expectations.

Who is going to benefit by you staying? Nobody, from the sounds of it. It's a very sad thing indeed, but you'll feel a lot less pressure once you're back home.

Is there a hotel nearby? If so, get it booked for the remainder of the stay. If not, make plans to take DS out all day every day until your train home.

I understand you're feeling awkward and want to avoid a confrontation, but what's worse: a confrontation with your parents, or having DS told off and made to feel unhappy and unwanted by people who should be absolutely thrilled to see him?

This.

Can you not be honest with your parents and just tell them it feels like they don’t like having you and DS to stay and that you aren’t being made to feel welcome? They aren’t being polite to you and your DS so why be polite to them? They sound very rude. It’s nothing to do with age, my PILs are elderly and love having the grandkids over and bend over backwards to make us all feel welcome.

They haven't forgotten over the years how much hard work kids can be! Especially small children! OP. They are more likely just treating your child in the same way they treated you. Hence you thinking you "have to stick it out for a few more days" when they are being so nasty to your child.

You don't have to. Your child doesn't have to endure it, & you don't have to witness it.
No need for any big scenes. "Folks, I think I miscalculated how much of a strain having DC here for so long is on you, so we're going to head off earlier than planned & let you recover" should do the job. That way, you can make a quiet escape, & not return until you are good & ready to, if ever.

I would just go to a hotel or B and B.
Sounds very joyless.
I wouldn't put up with my child being shouted at. He's only 6!

We haven't been back to stay with my in-laws in about 4 years, after they made their intolerance of our two perfectly well kids known.

Keep yourself and your son out of the house as much as possible for the rest of the trip, assuming there really is no way to cut it short, then don't go back.

Does your half agreement include constantly shouting at a child for asking for a drink or making quiet noise when playing @ChrissyPh1 ?

If it does, you're a monster.
If it doesn't, WTF possessed you to make such an unhelpful remark?

They can not enjoy it all they like (bit odd, since they won't "let" OP book a hotel). That doesn't excuse shouting at someone else's child and saying things like "He doesn't need another bloody drink" in front of him.

Do you think it does?

Can you go out for day if you can’t get home. I wouldn’t stay again. Poor boy.

That may be the case with an NT child but not always with a child with SEN. Coping with an autistic child at home is bad enough when he is in familiar surroundings in his own room and then a regular bedtime is easier to enforce but it can be very unsettling if he is out of his normal routine. The advice is "pick your battles". I am not sure I would choose this particular battle though. No one is enjoying the visit but adults should be able to cope with disruption more than an autistic 6 year old.