Ex Fiancé Wants to Go On Family Days Out With a Woman He’s Just Met

[withlovefromlou]

My ex fiancé and I broke up at the end of July, after 20-years together. We have an adult daughter and a 9-year old son. Our daughter is currently at uni, so hasn’t seen much of her dad since the split, but he’s always taken our son to see their favourite football team on a Saturday afternoon and a Tuesday evening (when it’s a home game), and thankfully this has continued.

My ex then started seeing someone new a couple of weeks ago, and has told our son he will start taking him to the away games as well. His exact words to him were “Me, you, and new girlfriends name will be going to all the away games together from now on. It’ll be a family day out and loads of fun”. Our son came home really upset and said he didn’t want to go as he’s never met his dads new girlfriend.

I called my ex and explained the situation, and he thinks I’m being unreasonable as I said I’m with our son on this one and think it’s too early to be going out playing happy families with someone he’s known a fortnight, and who hasn’t even met our children yet.

Football is something he and his dad have enjoyed together for years (without me and our daughter present), and since that’s the only time he seems to want to see him ATM, I think it’s a bit off that he would want his new GF to tag along too.

I’m now being accused of being jealous and wanting him back. And he’s going round telling people that I’m preventing him from seeing our son (none of these things are true. I would never stop him seeing the kids, and I definitely don’t want him back).

So I’m hanging it over to you guys: AIBU? I’m really starting to doubt myself.

Happy to add in any relevant info if you think I’ve missed anything important.

Thank you :)

Referring to someone as family after a year is desperate and immature never mind a fortnight! Don't worry, they'll probably split by Christmas.

i would be fuming with kids dad if he did this but I’d also encourage the kids to go and not miss out on their favourite thing. Never know he might enjoy it. You seem really nice and don’t come across jealous at all just concerned for your son xx

He's being stupid. But you have to leave him to it.

Given that I've had diarrhoea longer than your ex has been in a relationship, I think he's bang out of order suggesting this.
How many new girlfriends will your poor son need to meet? You don't even know this woman ffs! He's in the wrong here not you and if he's talking shite about you let him, for those that matter to you, wont believe his pish. I can't believe how he thinks this is OK!

@Ludo19 Two weeks? Blimey poor you!

Well, it sucks but realistically there is nothing you can do, he is not breaking any rules.

Pick your battles.

@lentilly I know but it's great for the waistline 😉

Me and my dad have gone football together since I was a child , my brothers and sisters come
with us and it’s our thing . My mum is still married to my dad and has never come and my partner would never be invited . I think this is sad for your son and actually the girlfriend is taking the piss tagging along . Why would your ex even invite her ? Sending hugs 💙

Provided he isn't endangering your son and is providing adequate care then, as shitty as the situation is, its up to your ex how he parents on his days - that includes deciding if/when to introduce new partners.

I would leave it up to your son if he wants to go or not with gf tagging along. It’s his time with his dad, so the decision is his. I think your ex sounds like a right sad moron though, and unfortunately your DS is now experiencing the effects of this

You are so right OP. Your poor son. How selfish your ex is, thinking about his new GF before his own son.

I would back your son100% - if he wants to go then pre-warn him she will be there and support him. If he does not want to go then do not force him, you will become the bad guy then

He is unreasonable. You can't stop him from introducing anyone he wants to either or both of your children, but it's irresponsible for him to do so this early, and horrible of him to push it when your son is distressed about it.

Your daughter can and I'm sure will decide how she intereacts with him and any new or future partners. But your son is nine, he doesn't have a mature adult's perspective on relationships and it's not fair to introduce him to someone brand new and claim she is family. Ideally, he should not be introducing her at all until he's sure it's going to be a stable long-term relationship and they will stay together and actually function, eventually, as a family.

I’m now being accused of being jealous and wanting him back. And he’s going round telling people that I’m preventing him from seeing our son (none of these things are true. He sounds delusional. Don't let him gaslight you.

I would just let DS choose, and support him with whatever decision he makes. and whatever he chooses to do, it will hopefully not be taken as a decision for the whole of the season and he can choose on a match by match basis.

I was ready to say YABU because it’s up to your ex who he chooses to spend time with and how he spends his contact with his kids. But TWO WEEKS?! That’s ridiculous. YADNBU.

That’s exactly what I’m worried about. His brother had a new girlfriend every few months for a couple of years, and seeing what it did to his kids was heartbreaking. I don’t want to see my own children go through the same thing.

my ex asked tonight how long I’d date someone before introducing them to our kids, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. But I think at least 6+ months. And only if I genuinely thought it was going to last. He seemed to think that was a crazy answer though 🤷🏼‍♀️

@withlovefromlou 100% agree at the very least 6 months then introduce a "friend" has to be baby steps as well.

my ex asked tonight how long I’d date someone before introducing them to our kids, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. But I think at least 6+ months. And only if I genuinely thought it was going to last. He seemed to think that was a crazy answer though

From previous threads 6 months seems to be not long enough even... your ex needs to understand that this new woman needs to be a constant in his life before becoming a constant in his your DS's life.

Be mindful that there are some people with zero child rearing experience who think that dating someone with kids means 'playing family' is part of their dating experience🙄

To be honest I was just trying to be nice. If I was to meet someone (it’s unlikely as I’m not looking - I’m 100% focused on my kids), I don’t think I’d introduce him to my kids till much later. He put me in a bit of an awkward spot and I felt like I had to come up with an answer right there 😔

Not read all replies but I am completely with you speaking from my own experience.

Thing is though he’ll do it anyway and regardless of how your son feels in all likelihood.

Do save your energy and put that into supporting your son adjust to almost a completely different dad at the moment.

Its taken my ex about three years to start treating our child as a priority again and making time for them again.

You have my sympathy and am sending you strength x

He's being an idiot and not considerate of his sons needs instead prioritising his own wants.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it as non resident fathers in this country are canonised if they do much as see their child an hour a month!

One possible way you could put it to him that MAY work if you word it well according to your knowledge of your ex is that IF he and the gf split (I would err away from "when" as he'll likely argue they won't split) then it's not just your ex splitting with the gf but effectively his son/dc experiencing the split also. That's a lot to put on a young kid when the relationship itself is so new. It's also a lot to put on the gf even if she is nice and good with kids it's a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship that might be a stance that could work if you present/frame it as not in your exes best interests?

Simply as he seems the selfish type to be more likely swayed by argument that posits the idea it could make HIS life more difficult?

YANBU. Now more than ever he shouldn't be introducing a third wheel in to what's always been a DC and Dad activity. I'm not surprised your DC is upset.

When men do this I feel like they're literally using the child/ren to demonstrate what a 'good father' they is to their new girlfriend, as a method of seduction. Gross.

I’m now being accused of being jealous and wanting him back. And he’s going round telling people that I’m preventing him from seeing our son (none of these things are true. I would never stop him seeing the kids, and I definitely don’t want him back).

Don't let this get to you.
Obviously the people he's mouthing off to know he's full of shit, or they wouldn't be reporting his stupid remarks back to you.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to suck this up, & so is your poor son.
Wrong as it is, you have no right of veto over your ex's choice of companions & how or when he brings them along to his contact time.
Just thank your lucky stars you are rid of the arse & your son no longer has to live with him full time.
You told him HIS SON was upset by the idea of the brand new g/f rocking up, & instead of responding to his son's needs, he DARVO'd you & turned it into his own personal drama starring him as the irrestistable stud & you as a vengeful harpy. What a cunt.

Yup. Also to boundary test the new g/f for foisting childcare onto.

You'd think a man who only sees his child twice a week might want to focus on him, not his new totty. Twat.

YANBU, it’s totally shit that he’s doing this to your son. What does his GF need to be there for?! And why do men do this?

Sadly there’s very little you can do about it. Would it help to know that it won’t be long before your DA realises what a shit dad his father is and will choose to actively see less of him before long?