Ex Fiancé Wants to Go On Family Days Out With a Woman He’s Just Met

[withlovefromlou]

My ex fiancé and I broke up at the end of July, after 20-years together. We have an adult daughter and a 9-year old son. Our daughter is currently at uni, so hasn’t seen much of her dad since the split, but he’s always taken our son to see their favourite football team on a Saturday afternoon and a Tuesday evening (when it’s a home game), and thankfully this has continued.

My ex then started seeing someone new a couple of weeks ago, and has told our son he will start taking him to the away games as well. His exact words to him were “Me, you, and new girlfriends name will be going to all the away games together from now on. It’ll be a family day out and loads of fun”. Our son came home really upset and said he didn’t want to go as he’s never met his dads new girlfriend.

I called my ex and explained the situation, and he thinks I’m being unreasonable as I said I’m with our son on this one and think it’s too early to be going out playing happy families with someone he’s known a fortnight, and who hasn’t even met our children yet.

Football is something he and his dad have enjoyed together for years (without me and our daughter present), and since that’s the only time he seems to want to see him ATM, I think it’s a bit off that he would want his new GF to tag along too.

I’m now being accused of being jealous and wanting him back. And he’s going round telling people that I’m preventing him from seeing our son (none of these things are true. I would never stop him seeing the kids, and I definitely don’t want him back).

So I’m hanging it over to you guys: AIBU? I’m really starting to doubt myself.

Happy to add in any relevant info if you think I’ve missed anything important.

Thank you :)

Whilst six months is a sensible time frame it’s completely wrong to i torus e a partner as a friend. Kids aren’t stupid, they know their parents lie to them when a new ‘friend’ pops up out the blue from nowhere who they suddenly meet up with

100% spot on

My DD found it really upsetting the first time she went out with dad and new gf. She said it was the fact it was a 'family' day out but I wasn't there which I should be. That was about 6 months after split as well.

I feel so sorry for your poor son, I’m a step mum myself and I never interfere with the interests and activities of my DH and his sons

They go to watch cricket that is their thing I stay out of it as it’s their time together

Even if your ex DF had waited 6 months to a year then the new girlfriend shouldn’t be involved in their hobby.

Also the gf shouldn’t rush to meet the kids we did within 4 months and I wish we had waited longer just so we could still have the fun of dating not jump into family stuff

Also to boundary test the new g/f for foisting childcare onto.

This. Also, are you completely sure he hasn't been seeing her for longer? Like June longer.

It doesn't matter what you think, it's not your call to make.

Bollocks …..her son is upset by this so the OP is well within her rights and is protecting, looking after her son that is upset by his dad saying the new gf will be joining in

What a knob, that clearly doesn't understand children, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do and I suspect the more you say anything the more this unfeeling knobhead will ignore you.
Your son won't forget how his Dad treats him, hopefully, his Dad will wake up and get some emotional intelligence soon.

He's an idiot.
He's not considering how his child feels at all.
That's all I would say to him is that DS sees it as his special time with his Dad and hopes he would also see it like that.

I only have his word for when they got together. But if it was longer, I wish he’d said something. It took me years to pluck up the courage to leave him 😔

A couple of weeks is way too early in a relationships to start introducing kids to a new partner. In my situation, I waited about 4 months to tell the kids about my new partner (and only because my ex told me I had to in case somebody the kids know saw us together) and then it was another another year before they met her face to face. Even now they only see her once or twice a month for a day out. Over the next year, these 'meetings' will become more frequent until the time we get a place together.

As this is the only time your son sees his dad, he shouldn't be dragging her along at all, whether he's been seeing her weeks, months or years. Tell your ex that this is the problem, that your son just wants to spend time with his dad on his own

Thank you. I really started to doubt myself as he made me feel like I was bang out of order for suggesting he just has our LO on his own for now, but he only sees him for around 3 hours a week as it is, so it would be nice if they could just spend that time together, without someone else tagging along.

YANBU to pass on your son's concerns, but the moment you start saying how you personally feel about it then don't be surprised if he replies 'it's none of your business'.

It's bonkers and not in your son's best interests, especially since he's upset about it but you can't stop him being with her during his contact time. It's a shame he's not prioritising his son's feelings on this.

I think you've done your bit and now you have to step back and see how it goes. It wasn't clear - is it only the away games that the new GF will be going to, and the home matches are still the father/son only thing?

All you can really do, now, is be there for your son if it is awful for him.

I’ve said I feel it’s a bit fast because if they end up breaking up (and I hope they don’t) our son will have to go through all this pain again. It’s a tricky one as we’ve been together so long I don’t think either of us know how to properly handle the situation

Not that shocking, I'm more surprised the girlfriend is happy to go along with it, what a weirdo.

For now, just the away games. From next season, she’ll be at all of them if they’re still together.

But she hasn't made it about how she feels.
She reported back about how their son feels.

Her ex responded by ignoring the fact that his son was upset, & went instantly into DARVO mode, so he could beat OP up with ridiculous taunts of 'jealousy'.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

My ex accused me of jealousy because of a similar thing he literally sees one of his children for an hour twice a week at his request he has now decided his girlfriend should tag along and used the words family time to ds this went down badly as predicted I did warn my ex ds wasn't keen and I had already made suggestions as to introducing them (ds struggles badly with anxiety I suggested taking them Christmas while nanny and the uncles aunts etc were there so not all the attention was on the girlfriend) they decided no she was just going to join in their limited time he refused to go for weeks made himself ill so of course he couldn't go he was "sick" he even developed covid symptoms at one point couldn't smell or taste a thing until after his pcr test (yes his anxiety is genuinely that bad) he has ultimately met her and she is "nice" but my goodness the drama getting an unwilling child to meet someone!

All through this I was working with him to resolve the situation later I found out he was saying that I was causing trouble blocking access and he was "taking it to court" I won't be supporting him again

Don’t worry too much OP. I expect the new girlfriend won’t particularly enjoy going to football with a strange Nine year old ( however charming he may be) , especially once it gets cold.

Surely he can see the new woman all the rest of the time, he needs to prioritize the football match for DS, if not DS doesn't want to go..
His call...
Don't get drawn in to his lying & gas lighting. He risks screwing up his relationship with DS, all on his own

I really don’t understand why people don’t think before shoving brand new partners into their children’s lives, especially after 2 weeks, children need stability and don’t need a flow of strangers coming in and out of their lives, the impact it had on one of my friends growing up was really hard to witness.

Update

So, the kids and I have been out with my mum all day, and we came home to find my ex sat on our doorstep looking like the world had come to an end. Apparently, the new GF has dumped him because she can’t cope with not being in our DS’s life …

Part of me thinks they might be trying to play me, so they can guilt trip me into saying I’m happy for her to spend time with our little one, but another part of me thinks she’s completely bonkers. They’ve been together two weeks ffs, I don’t understand why she’d want to add a child to the mix. Why can’t she just enjoy their alone time together?

His lady friend also messaged me on Facebook congratulating me on ‘getting what I wanted’. Thought about replying, but decided against it.

Feeling exhausted now, but got a partially child free evening as my ex has taken our son to tonight’s match. I don’t usually drink, but super tempted to open a bottle of the wine I bought for Christmas 🤣

Thank you for all the support you guys have given me. I can’t believe I doubted myself and thought I was being the unreasonable one!