Husband being shown intimate videos of other women

[EG12391]

I was just in the car with my husband when we saw someone we know pass, he said something along the lines of the women being ‘naughty’, I asked why. He said that she sends videos of herself and another woman playing with sex toys to his friend so I asked if he had seen the videos (because he previously told me this friend showed pictures of his girlfriend at the time’s boobs), and he said he had seen the videos.
I told him I’m annoyed at this, he said he doesn’t watch them in a way that he takes interest in the girls, just that his friend shows them to him. But I asked how would he feel if my friend showed me pictures of naked local men, he said he obviously wouldn’t be happy.

AIBU to think that it’s completely disrespectful to me for my husband to be watching these videos? As well as 100% disrespectful to the woman in the videos if she hasn’t consented to this guy to show them around!!

And, AIBU to think it’s fair that my husband tells his grown ass friend that he doesn’t want to watch these videos of other women (unless he wants to, and I won’t be sticking around if so!), and it’s fair to me, his wife, that he doesn’t condone such childish behaviour.

Am I overreacting or is it not right for my husband to see videos/pictures of naked local women? I know he’s not doing it for pleasure or anything or he wouldn’t tell me, but still I feel disrespected that he’s condoning and allowing this behaviour which is potentially illegal if there isn’t consent (illegal on his friend’s behalf obviously!). And I just think my husband should be more respectful towards other women and myself considering he is a father of a daughter. I asked him how would he feel if our daughter (unfortunately) sent images to someone she trusted (when she’s older of course, she’s only 4 now!), and then that guy showed them to his friends. I just think it’s inappropriate and unfair on this woman and whatever other women who have unfortunately sent pictures or videos to his friend, and unfair for me and the other wives who’s husband has seen these videos!

The legislation includes "with intent to cause distress", not just simply sharing. Not condoning what's happened here, but there is more to the legislation than people think.
www.jdspicer.co.uk/site/blog/crime-fraud/what-is-the-law-on-revenge-porn#:~:text=The%20law%20regarding%20revenge%20porn,cause%20distress%20and%20without%20consent.
(Hopefully the link works)

@gingertigercat

that is definitely one of the reasons why I feel so disgusted. I don’t condone stuff like this at all. I did tell him earlier just imagine if it was our daughter in years to come. We didn’t talk for long because we were on the way to my hospital appointment so I’ll definitely sit down and have a proper chat with him tomorrow (I don’t even want to talk more than I have to with him tonight! As soon as my daughter is in bed I’m going to a different room than him!!).

To be honest I struggle to believe grown men are doing this! It would never cross my mind! Its unacceptable at any age of course, but teenagers are a bit dumber to the consequences perhaps, but I bet most teenagers are aware how damaging this kind of behaviour can be to the person in the video. This friend has many other friends he’s closer with than my husband so who knows how many people have seen them!

Please explain how the OP's husband is misogynistic.

So he didn't say to his mate 'you can fuck right off if you think I'm interested and do the women know that you're showing everyone the videos?'

No
I didn't think so

They're both fucking sleazeballs and unfortunately you're married to one of them

From quick research it has been proposed in July of this year for the law to be amended so that ‘taking or sharing an intimate image without consent is a base offence’, with the intention of causing the victim distressed a serious offence.

However, according to citizens advice “It’s a crime to show intimate images or videos, send them to another person … without your consent. So unsure if the proposed reform has been passed recently.

Anyway, I still think it’s not acceptable to be sharing private intimate videos whether it is illegal or not! It’s not a very nice personality trait to do that to someone is it? Even if they are in the wrong of sending them in the first place, because if we victim-blame what does that say about us?!

OK, I'll just pick one reason as you seem to be having trouble catching on @redbigbananafeet.

He indulges himself with pornographic imagery without the participant's consent.
He brags to his wife about it, expecting her to put up & shut up.
However, if his wife did the same & watched videos of naked men, he "wouldn't be happy".

All misogynist live by double standards.
Do let me know if you need further help.

@redbigbananafeet I am SO sorry - the above post was directed at @Wisper10 & in my ire, I mis-tagged you.

Huge apologies

This is the legislation, which is still current:
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2015/2/section/33/enacted
which still contains the "with intent to cause distress" element for the offence to be considered complete.

It's completely not acceptable to be sharing these pictures, but whether it is illegal is a different matter. Unfortunately I think there needs to be more awareness around this legislation, as "it's illegal" gets thrown around when as it's an intent offence it's quite hard to get a conviction out of unfortunately.

Either way OP - it isn't acceptable for your husband to be view this, especially as he admits to a double standard that he wouldn't be happy if you did the same.

@EG12391

Unfortunately OP, there’s no guarantee that porn viewed online has been placed there with the consent of those featured.

Indeed, there’s not only no guarantee it’s not revenge porn, but no guarantee it’s not CSAM. The latter is a large part of the reason Mastercard & Visa not only stopped processing payments to Pornhub & YouPorn in 2020; but are being sued for knowingly facilitating the dissemination of CSAM.

OnlyFans is also failing to prevent children from signing up. As well as disseminating CSAM, the site facilitates trafficking & fails to protect “creators” from multiple harms.

They might not be women [or girls] he knows, but if your husband consumes online porn, there’s no guarantee the women [or girls] involved [have the capacity to] consent to his viewing the material he’s watching. (To be clear, I’m not suggesting he’d deliberately seek out CSAM, but ignorance is no defence.)

I do not need help thank you.

Misogyny is defined as the hatred of / prejudiced against a woman / women. The lady had chosen to send those videos. Rightly or wrongly, just because the OP's husband chose to look at the videos doesn't mean he hates women or harbours a prejudice. Just as a lot of replies on here come across as misandry I don't for one minute think that every poster hates men. Perve, maybe, misogynistic probably not.

Doesn't make it any better but this type of behaviour is actually prolific and waaaaay more common than women in general realise. There will be multiple women commenting on this, how disgusting it is and ltb without having a clue their own husband has been a party to exactly the same thing.

You need serious help @wisper if you think getting off on non-consensual sexual imagery & bragging about it to your wife at the same time as telling her you would not be happy for her to do the same isn't misogynistic.

Seriously?

I took your advice and, being a serious as possible, I looked at Google for some definitions around "misogynistic" and misogyny.

I'm still unclear how the actions of the OP's husband shows a hatred of / prejudice against women.

Maybe there is word for what he's done but it isn't misogynistic.

Here you go:
www.gender.ed.ac.uk/pornography-and-the-contrast-between-sexism-and-misogyny/

amp.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jun/22/revenge-porn-women-free-speech-abuse

www.huffpost.com/entry/a-primer-on-online-misogyny-revenge-porn-is-only-one-dimension_b_7691900/amp

journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2158244020931850

www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/revenge-porn-is-vile-symptom-of-the-misogynistic-modern-age-it-s-about-time-we-had-a-protection-law-9864101.html?amp

While you have google open, type in "internalised misogyny".
You might find it quite enlightening.

Thank you.

Can I just be clear in saying that I'm not defending what the OP's husband has done as being acceptable but I am struggling to tie in what he's done with the dictionary definition of misogyny.

I'm not really interested in newpaper articles and the opinions of their writers / editors, however, though I've just had my mind blown by the Gender.ed.... article, I'm still convinced that the true meaning of misogyny is somewhat being twisted and there must be a better word for what the OP's husband has done.

Thanks again, I'll leave it there.

Who are the 11% who think this is ok?! Jesus Christ.

You need to tell the woman next time you see her, OP. Something along the lines of the videos she's sending to her boyfriend are being shown to a much wider audience, as your husband commented that he'd seen her.

Be prepared though in case she tells you she actually sends them to your husband directly...

Different people respond to different types of info. I provided a range of resources - both academic and journalistic - for just that reason. The sagepub paper is also quite thorough.

If, having read both academic papers linked, you are still convinced that the true meaning of misogyny is somewhat being twisted then I can’t really offer anything further. I find the determination to cling to a very surface, somewhat juvenile understanding of the term and it’s effects to be a bit odd, and it will prevent any deeper understanding of modern feminist issues. However, perhaps you don’t care about that.

Does the woman's friend know her video is being shared too?

Probably not.

After speaking to my friend who’s Husband also has seen this video, she said her husband said it was shown during my husband’s stag do so at least 5 or 6 men were shown this video, on this occasion. Who knows who else he has shown this too! Wrong and inappropriate on so many levels.

I hope you haven't send any dirty photos or videos to your husband OP.

He probably shares them with his mate too.

I mean if he gets together with his mate and watches personal videos his friend has what makes you think he wouldn't join in and show you off too?

Christ, the bar for some men's behaviour just gets lower and lower