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Original poster

Paying relatives to look after your child

58 replies

UniqueUsername123 · 24/10/2022 16:14

DH and I have just been away for a much needed child-free weekend for the first time ever, leaving our 3yo DD overnight with my brother (who she loves!).

We don't have much in the way of a support network from family so he has done most of the babysitting for her when we've needed it. He lives about an hour and half away - which is still the nearest of all family members.

Each time he does this we pay for his return train fare as well as a takeaway (and/or get food in for him).

So I'm interested to know whether think this is ok? Totally reasonable for him to be reimbursed OR should he just spend time looking after his niece for free....?

(I should point out that he is single, child free and younger than me, so it's not as if we can return the favour just yet.)

OP posts:
KitchiHuritAngeni · 24/10/2022 16:17

Of course you should pay his out of pocket expenses.

He is looking after his niece for free, he just isn't paying extra for it.

FriedasCarLoad · 24/10/2022 16:17

I might add a nice bottle of wine to take home. But no, unless he's really struggling for money I think it's normal for family to help each other.

There's a good chance he'll need you to do the same back one day!

femfemlicious · 24/10/2022 16:17

You are not paying him. You are paying his train fare. You are VERY lucky to get someone to have your daughter for a whole weekend. Just be grateful.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 24/10/2022 16:18

Imo family or not looking after a dc should not cost the carer money. Bit Cfery to expect so. Train fare and take away is a fine donation though!

femfemlicious · 24/10/2022 16:19

Sorry reread and its overnight. Compare how much you would pay a babysitter.

SpinningFloppa · 24/10/2022 16:20

My mum asked for payment for looking after my children. She said all her friends kids pay their mums

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 24/10/2022 16:21

He's giving up his whole weekend for his niece. I think the train fare and take away is a nice touch

badassbaby · 24/10/2022 16:23

UniqueUsername123 · 24/10/2022 16:14

DH and I have just been away for a much needed child-free weekend for the first time ever, leaving our 3yo DD overnight with my brother (who she loves!).

We don't have much in the way of a support network from family so he has done most of the babysitting for her when we've needed it. He lives about an hour and half away - which is still the nearest of all family members.

Each time he does this we pay for his return train fare as well as a takeaway (and/or get food in for him).

So I'm interested to know whether think this is ok? Totally reasonable for him to be reimbursed OR should he just spend time looking after his niece for free....?

(I should point out that he is single, child free and younger than me, so it's not as if we can return the favour just yet.)

Of course you should pay his train fare/get him a takeaway.
He's doing you a massive favour!
I look after my nieces for free, but I already have a dd, he is childless so giving up his whole weekend.
What a lovely person he must be.

Beautiful3 · 24/10/2022 16:23

I think you're very lucky. Yes of course pay for dinner and return train ticket. I'd send him home with a cake or bottle of wine too.

user1471457751 · 24/10/2022 16:24

He did spend his time looking after his niece for free. You didn't pay him for it and I don't know why you think you did. You paid for a couple of expenses (train travel and some meals), he's not exactly making a profit from you is he? You would feed a guest normally anyway so the train fare is the only extra thing you've covered which, for a weekend of babysitting, is really stingy of you. You're not the generous person your OP seems to suggest you think you are.

FourTeaFallOut · 24/10/2022 16:24

Oh wow, how nice is your brother to travel an hour and a half there and back to look after your child for a whole night so you can get away and have a nice weekend? Of course you pay for his travel costs!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 24/10/2022 16:27

He'd be getting loads more for that if it were me. Fridge/cupboards stocked with whatever he wanted.

Any little thing (book, tech stuff etc) he wanted I'd get that for him too.

A whole weekend? God, the man's a living saint! You'd pay a proper babysitter way more than that.

Medoca · 24/10/2022 16:31

Yes, we do the same. Train fare, wine, takeaway etc. it’s the least we could do!!

Fiddledeedeeee · 24/10/2022 16:32

I think the train fare and takeaway is perfect and means he’s not out of pocket.

my mum has my DS one day per week while I work, plus she’s the go-to if we need any ad-hoc or emergency babysitting. She won’t take any money so we pay for her and her DP to have a weekend away (UK) a few times a year as a thank you.
But I hate to think of her as out of pocket whilst doing me a favour.

luxxlisbon · 24/10/2022 16:32

Are you asking if you should pay more or if you shouldn’t pay for his train or a takeaway?

I think covering his train and dinner is the bare minimum really since he’s coming so far.

outdoorcushions20 · 24/10/2022 16:33

When my nieces were babies, I lived about 80 miles from them so if I went to look after them
(160 mile round trip), my brother would always put a bit of petrol money in my bank account. I didn't ask for or expect it but the gesture was much appreciated.

whumpthereitis · 24/10/2022 16:36

He’s doing you a massive favour, and you’re questioning whether he should pay for the privilege? Because he’s not actually asking to be paid to look after your daughter, he’s asking so as to not be out of pocket.

Incidentally, he wouldn’t be unreasonable to want to be paid to babysit, outside of his traveling costs.

JenniferBarkley · 24/10/2022 16:39

user1471457751 · 24/10/2022 16:24

He did spend his time looking after his niece for free. You didn't pay him for it and I don't know why you think you did. You paid for a couple of expenses (train travel and some meals), he's not exactly making a profit from you is he? You would feed a guest normally anyway so the train fare is the only extra thing you've covered which, for a weekend of babysitting, is really stingy of you. You're not the generous person your OP seems to suggest you think you are.

Exactly this - you don't pay him, you cover his expenses. It's extremely generous of him.

WooWoox2 · 24/10/2022 16:39

I’m confused

he is looking after his niece for free

you’ve just paid for out of pocket expenses and a bit of dinner

tachetastic · 24/10/2022 16:41

He looked after your kid for the whole weekend and all you gave him was his train fare and a takeaway???

Make no mistake. You are not paying him to look after his niece. At best you're covering part of his expenses for putting his own life on hold for a weekend so you can have a bit of fun with DH.

Stop worrying about what people should be prepared to do for you and just recognise how lucky you are to have a wonderful brother who is willing to look after his niece at all. Please don't even hint to him that you think you're being too generous or he may come back and tell you to organise a babysitter next time, and that will cost you a lot more than a pizza and an offpeak return.

Moon22 · 24/10/2022 16:46

He should do it for free and leave himself out of pocket if he wants to- but who in their right mind would want to do that? Not bloody me anyway!! Even with train paid and a takeaway, I still wouldn't do it!! Family or not!! So lucky, lucky you- I would at least get him a really decent Christmas present to acknowledge how good he is to do this for you!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/10/2022 16:50

It's one thing to want/anticipate free childcare from family, but another thing completely to expect them to be out of pocket from it!

It's basic manners to cover any costs incurred.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2022 16:59

Absolutely pay his train fare and his take away, Jesus he's doing you a huge favour, he's not making any money from it, it's just not costing him to help you out

Tomorrowisalatterday · 24/10/2022 17:01

Train fare and food are basically just covering his expenses.

I would - if anyone ever agreed to have mine! - get a thank you present as well. Which could be a voucher or cash if that's what he would like or a bottle of wine or something else

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2022 17:02

Also wasn't sure how to vote for this one, what are you asking exactly? You would be unreasonable to expect him to pay his own train fare and food while he did you that massive favour