To be baffled by my DP

[Burntcoffee]

So me and my DP have a week off and we've kept our DS in nursery Monday and Tuesday this morning to get some jobs done and spend some time together.

My DP usually has an early start and works very long hours so I said last night 'ill get up with DS tomorrow and walk him to nursery.' DP said fine. Was super tired when I woke up but obviously I got up anyway and started getting DS ready. Then I hear DP getting up and dressed! I said to DP, 'well do you want to take him now?' (he can drive the car). He said 'shall we both go?' but as our DS always struggles with the handover, I suggested it would be better if not.

DP started getting DSs coat on which I thought was weird so I said 'youre taking him right' and he said 'no I thought you were taking him.' He's said it's fine for him to take him but now there seems to be this sulky atmosphere.

I know it all sounds so nitpicky but we're constantly having these communication breakdowns. Possibly just need a vent but AIBU to be a bit miffed? Just an annoying start to what I hoped would be a nice couple of days! Does anyone else struggle with these communication problems?

If the nursery is less than a 5 minute drive away it probably won’t take much longer to walk it, and it’s a lot healthier for OP and the environment too.

long and short of it is, OP: Use. Your. Words.

And I'm still with your DP because mine gets up every day at 5am. If he "sleeps in" at the weekend, or any other day, he's up at 7:30 at the latest. In jeans and raring to go. I don't speak in the mornings until after 2nd coffee and breakfast are done. Early on in our relationship on rare breakfast times together, he'd be all perky and chatty and it took me telling him to JUST STOP IT and explain why.
At first he was miffed. Then i pointed out things that i do to accommodate his quirks and we agreed that breakfast time, for me, is for silent contemplation.

@PinkSyCo OP is upset as it's 40 mins and it's raining and she's got to do it in her joggers!

She's got jobs to do, that she didn't want to waste time over going on a five month journey, so 40 mins is more of an issue.

OP you need to stop talking in riddles and clearly express yourself when speaking to others, especially your DH. Just seeing your communication style in these few posts makes me think that you must have many of these situations occuring all the time. It's almost like you are afraid to speak to him.

Then she shouldn’t have offered to do the drop off! At no point did she ask her partner to do it instead.
All this drama over nothing.

@Conkersareback well given the plan was she was doing drop off if she chose to put joggers on then yes, she would be doing drop off in her joggers. If she wanted to wear something different she could have done. She also didn't have to walk, her OH offered to drive them all. But she shot him down. So she's the one who has chosen to waste 40 minutes. This is all on her.

OP - do you think in sentences in your head? And spend a lot of time in your own or in sole charge of DC?
Because I may have your answer.....
I always have multiple conversations running in my head on all sorts of topics which I pick up and drop as required. This is fine, helpful, nice even!

UNTIL someone else joins in. Because they join at the part when words are said aloud and so have absolutely no idea about what has been said, or agreed, previously by me, on my own, in my head.
It took me a LONG time to realise this and I still forget..... but I am better at admitting the confusion is my fault now...

@user1471457751 I know and that's what I'm saying! @PinkSyCo was saying that she's better off waking or whatever. I'm saying she's being a martyr and needs to address herself!

I agree that you are the mis communicator in this scenario, and you are nit-picking. It is you who is too anxious to drive. It is you that offered to take DC to nursery. It is you who doesn't want to go together due to a difficult handover.

Sounds like he couldn't do right for doing wrong this morning, if there's a sulky atmosphere it's coming from you, starting with the fact you said you were super tired this morning but still got up.

Would there be an atmosphere if he had stayed in bed?

I think you're getting a hard time. I would probably be a bit irritated because when both partners are tired it's good for one to sleep in and you were kind to offer to do the drop-off. Then he confused things.

But also, you're both tired and that's when communication goes wrong.

Hope you enjoy your 2 days. Try and grab a coffee and have a laugh about it

YABU. You sound exhausting and hard work to be around.

You also need to have extra lessons for your anxious driving.

There is definitely a communication issue here but I think you’re as much, if not more, to blame for it.

Instead of wondering what he’s doing and getting annoyed then just ask him.

Instead of having a lie in he chose to get up and help you get ready and walk/drive you both there - most people would have thought that was nice and enjoyed doing that altogether.
But it sounds like you’d have preferred him to stay out of the way.

What do you want him to do?

Do you want a lie in whilst he takes DS?

If so then talk about it this evening, so you’re both clear ok what’s going on.

My DP usually has an early start and works very long hours so I said last night 'ill get up with DS tomorrow and walk him to nursery.' DP said fine. Was super tired when I woke up but obviously I got up anyway

I think you and your DP started from different viewpoints here.

You were trying to do a good thing for him, to let him have a lie in on his day off even though you were tired and would have really loved a lie in

He didn't think to offer you a lie in.

He got up anyway.

At this point you felt that he was turning down your offer and so felt that you could have had a lie in.

This happens to us a lot.

It happens a lot less when I think less about making offers to make his life better and more about being really clear when I need something and would really benefit from his doing something for me

DH does do things if asked.

Have a think about what would have happened if you had asked him whether he felt he needed or wanted a lie in on the first day of hols instead of 'giving' him that lie in.

What might have happened if he had said no, I want to get up early and get on with my day.

Even if he didn't say why don't you have a lie in, you could have asked for a lie in.

exactly! You sound like bloody hard work.

There are also numerous threads on here by women who are SAHM and are annoyed because on their DPs day off he stayed in bed whilst she got up.

If I was him I would have felt guilty for staying in bed knowing my partner was getting up early.

And I genuinely think he was trying to help and do things as a family, rather than try and annoy you.

I agree with this really, you’re being a bit difficult based on this thread, almost like you’re looking for an argument.

Just had a little chat about it. I said sorry for being huffy, and just said I felt I had not communicated properly. DP said he could understand why I felt like I did and that now I've explained, it makes sense.

We're off into town now for shopping and coffee. I'll be sure tonight to switch my alarm clock off 😅 and COMMUNICATE this.

Thanks all for taking the time to listen and offer feedback to this anxious mess X

@Burntcoffee So pleased you resolved it quickly and @FinallyHere seems to explain it very well.

Great update OP.

Well done OP!

Fab. Enjoy your day OP