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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be baffled by my DP

96 replies

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 07:44

So me and my DP have a week off and we've kept our DS in nursery Monday and Tuesday this morning to get some jobs done and spend some time together.

My DP usually has an early start and works very long hours so I said last night 'ill get up with DS tomorrow and walk him to nursery.' DP said fine. Was super tired when I woke up but obviously I got up anyway and started getting DS ready. Then I hear DP getting up and dressed! I said to DP, 'well do you want to take him now?' (he can drive the car). He said 'shall we both go?' but as our DS always struggles with the handover, I suggested it would be better if not.

DP started getting DSs coat on which I thought was weird so I said 'youre taking him right' and he said 'no I thought you were taking him.' He's said it's fine for him to take him but now there seems to be this sulky atmosphere.

I know it all sounds so nitpicky but we're constantly having these communication breakdowns. Possibly just need a vent but AIBU to be a bit miffed? Just an annoying start to what I hoped would be a nice couple of days! Does anyone else struggle with these communication problems?

OP posts:
JustOrderADoor · 24/10/2022 08:35

I can see why he thought either he'd drive so you didn't get soaked, or that all walking would be nice. But you turned him down. I don't get where you thought it meant him taking DC in his own (does he ever do drop
offs?) if your reasoning (to him at least) was DS would find it unsettling. I think you were pushing him out, I'd have been upset. But he didn't sulk, he helped you get DS ready to go (not that you needed help - did you resent him making you feel like you did?).

I get the 'double handling = time wasted' feeling, I get that too, whether it's kids/food shopping/other one person jobs/errands. But not everyone is like us. One of my best friends & her DH barely breathe separately, it would drive me insane, but they both seem happy with it.

if it's a one off let it go, if it's a common issue you need to talk about it.

Putonyourshoes · 24/10/2022 08:36

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:29

I suggested it was best that I didn't come with them.

You’ve changed your story from the original post here OP.

Ponoka7 · 24/10/2022 08:37

Don't lose your relationship and together time for the sake of an additional fifteen minutes of getting stuff done. I immediately thought that he'd like the novelty of you both going in a relaxed manner and not having to rush to work. Do something different besides from housework, like a nice lunch etc. You've got two days to do the house.

HollyPupp · 24/10/2022 08:38

Putonyourshoes · 24/10/2022 08:36

You’ve changed your story from the original post here OP.

Show quote history

Exactly what I was just thinking!

I think the OP is the one that causes most of the issues and her partner is fed up as I would be.

ToadSmall · 24/10/2022 08:38

You are trying to make him guess what you want and then getting baffled when he doesn't.

One of my dc (15) has started doing this, she seems to think wistful looks and martyrdom is an attractive trait. I'm finding the whole thing very difficult and I'm spending a lot of my interactions with her saying things like

'can you just answer the question' and

'just tell me what you want'.

It's incredible wearing and difficult to manage and is making me feel like a nagging witch because I need her to make everyday ordinary basic decisions and she says things like

'just whatever you want'

LaGioconda · 24/10/2022 08:39

I agree that there is a communication problem, but it's because you expected your partner to read your mind rather than sorting it out properly. So far as he was concerned, you had said you were going to take your child to nursery and he planned accordingly. You then suddenly decided that his being up and dressed meant he should take him but didn't say so. You just need to try to be clearer.

Original poster
Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:40

Apologies, when I originally said , 'i suggested it would be better if not' I was paraphrasing and actually said 'i suggested it would be better if I didn't go'. I get your points though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:42

I also didn't mention that DP takes DS to nursery when he can due to the car situation, though this isn't often as hes often already at work. We've never walked all together so it didn't cross my mind.

OP posts:
Putonyourshoes · 24/10/2022 08:42

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:40

Apologies, when I originally said , 'i suggested it would be better if not' I was paraphrasing and actually said 'i suggested it would be better if I didn't go'. I get your points though.

You say you suggested? What did you actually SAY? Did you say, “it would be better if I didn’t come” and your OP said “ok, then I will take him”? Because if not, again, you have expected your DP (and us!) to read your mind

BecauseYoureWorthIt · 24/10/2022 08:43

Yabu, stop making something out of nothing. And it sounds like you were the one confusing things.

Changingplace · 24/10/2022 08:43

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:29

I suggested it was best that I didn't come with them.

You didn’t say that originally though, did you think that and assume he understood?

Because from your origin description he said shall we both go, you said no, so by default the plan remains the same and you’re taking DS.

If you then wanted him to take him in the car you should’ve said ‘it’s a bit silly us both going but as you’re up could you drop him in the car as it’ll only take 5mins and I’ll get on with xyz here’

I think you assumed he’d guessed that part, but you really weren’t clear.

Getoff · 24/10/2022 08:43

Instead of saying thanks for helping you’ve tried to change the original plan you’ve already said you’re sticking to by suggesting he should take him.

Why do several posters think she was changing the plan? I read her asking if he was doing it as her trying to clarify whether he had changed the plan, because she was confused about him getting up and getting dressed when "the plan" had no requirement for him to do so.

PinkSyCo · 24/10/2022 08:44

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t agree to you both taking your dc to nursery together. I’d have thought that would have been a nice thing to do considering you mention wanting to spend time together.

Icantthinkwhat · 24/10/2022 08:44

I'm more interested in why you don't drive when there is a car in the household.

Bewildered by amount of women on MN who seem to see this as an activity that can only be mastered by benefit of penis.. <misses point of thread>

Putonyourshoes · 24/10/2022 08:45

Getoff · 24/10/2022 08:43

Instead of saying thanks for helping you’ve tried to change the original plan you’ve already said you’re sticking to by suggesting he should take him.

Why do several posters think she was changing the plan? I read her asking if he was doing it as her trying to clarify whether he had changed the plan, because she was confused about him getting up and getting dressed when "the plan" had no requirement for him to do so.

Because several posters understand that the OP saying her DP works long hours so she offered to do the nursery run, doesn’t mean that her DP must stay in bed until that job is done otherwise he automatically forfeits the morning off the nursery run!

Original poster
Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:46

I can drive but am a very anxious driver. I was in a car accident last year so drive when only absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 24/10/2022 08:51

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:13

Bit about the coat - he wouldn't need his coat on if we were putting him in the car seat, at which point I was confused because I was under the impression they were going in the car. It didn't actually occur to me that my DP wanted us all to walk together to nursery - in fact I don't think he did mean this, I think he meant we drive there together. The drive is less than 5 minutes so it seemed a bit silly.

But you'd told him he wasn't to come?? So it was back to you walking and yes it wound have been daft to take the car even if he was going along. As a pp said you declined him accompanying you so assume back to the original plan. Have yourself a lie in tomorrow and get do you take him but I don't see he's done anything wrong or confusing here?!

DogInATent · 24/10/2022 08:51

So me and my DP have a week off and we've kept our DS in nursery Monday and Tuesday this morning to get some jobs done and spend some time together.

OP, stop treating it like it's a normal day/week.

You can't have a day to spend some time together and then complain when he suggests doing something together. You're heading for an argument before Wednesday if you can't get your head around this being a more relaxed week when the usual daily routines don't apply.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2022 08:51

Do you understand that random strangers getting confused by what you are saying, meaning and your intentions, means that your partner might be confused too.

Rather than get cross. Maybe use this experience as a way of thinking about whether you are actually saying what you want and mean.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/10/2022 08:53

Icantthinkwhat · 24/10/2022 08:44

I'm more interested in why you don't drive when there is a car in the household.

Bewildered by amount of women on MN who seem to see this as an activity that can only be mastered by benefit of penis.. <misses point of thread>

What a stupid pointless comment. There are many reasons why people dont drive. its not the bloody law to have a driving licence.

Conkersareback · 24/10/2022 08:54

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:46

I can drive but am a very anxious driver. I was in a car accident last year so drive when only absolutely necessary.

You need to address this, it's costing you a lot of time.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/10/2022 08:55

Instead if expecting him to read your mind why not say “I know I said I’d take him last night but actually it’s raining and you’re up now so can you take him in the car? I’ll crack on with jobs.” Instead of all this passive aggressive “you’re taking him right?” Bs

luxxlisbon · 24/10/2022 08:55

Burntcoffee · 24/10/2022 08:40

Apologies, when I originally said , 'i suggested it would be better if not' I was paraphrasing and actually said 'i suggested it would be better if I didn't go'. I get your points though.

I think you still aren’t being as clear with your DH as you think you are and this just shows it. Even when posting this thread your OP suggests one thing and your clarification (when everyone suggestions you are making things muddled with your DH) says something else.

LittleBrenda · 24/10/2022 08:57

Why do several posters think she was changing the plan? I read her asking if he was doing it as her trying to clarify whether he had changed the plan, because she was confused about him getting up and getting dressed when "the plan" had no requirement for him to do so.

He's allowed to get up and get dressed in his own home, requirement or no requirement,

The plan was that the OP was taking the son to nursery.

You don't 'ask' someone if they have changed a plan by assuming silently that they have because they have a pair of jeans on.

ToadSmall · 24/10/2022 08:58

Regularsizedrudy · 24/10/2022 08:55

Instead if expecting him to read your mind why not say “I know I said I’d take him last night but actually it’s raining and you’re up now so can you take him in the car? I’ll crack on with jobs.” Instead of all this passive aggressive “you’re taking him right?” Bs

Yes! Exactly.

Just say what you mean.