To be baffled by my DP

[Burntcoffee]

So me and my DP have a week off and we've kept our DS in nursery Monday and Tuesday this morning to get some jobs done and spend some time together.

My DP usually has an early start and works very long hours so I said last night 'ill get up with DS tomorrow and walk him to nursery.' DP said fine. Was super tired when I woke up but obviously I got up anyway and started getting DS ready. Then I hear DP getting up and dressed! I said to DP, 'well do you want to take him now?' (he can drive the car). He said 'shall we both go?' but as our DS always struggles with the handover, I suggested it would be better if not.

DP started getting DSs coat on which I thought was weird so I said 'youre taking him right' and he said 'no I thought you were taking him.' He's said it's fine for him to take him but now there seems to be this sulky atmosphere.

I know it all sounds so nitpicky but we're constantly having these communication breakdowns. Possibly just need a vent but AIBU to be a bit miffed? Just an annoying start to what I hoped would be a nice couple of days! Does anyone else struggle with these communication problems?

But you said that he shouldn't take him. So he must have assumed (as I did) that you would be taking him, ie walking. Which is why he'd need a coat.

But where between you decking his offer for you to go together and him putting the coat on your son did you decipher that the plan had changed and your DP was taking him instead?
Even if DP had meant you all go in the car, you said no to this - therefore the child would need his coat for the walk to nursery with you.

You said that you didn't want to all go together.

Therefore the default is that you will take him, as per the original plan, therefore he needs his coat on.

Interesting, thank you.

Why did you keep assuming your DP can only go in the car? He could have walked, you walked or both walked. As it is, you said you were going, then kept trying to swap it to your DP in passive aggressive style. If you say you're going, then until a new plan is formed that's the plan. He offered to come and you said no. What would help next time is to say "I'm knackered, would you mind going this morning instead and I'll do tomorrow?", then also by the way you can still help and don't interfere about how DP chooses to get there.

I remember when the kids were small resenting having DH come along or get involved with any sort of childcare “chore” that one person could do. I wanted him to do it or me to do it. But not both of us. It meant I didn’t get a break for it but also that he felt he’d done his “share” so I wouldn’t get a break later. He would dip in and out and I wouldn’t know if I could just go off and get a cup of tea or if I had to watch what was getting done and what wasn’t and pick up all the pieces (especially true for things the kids would get stressed about if there was a change in routine).

If that’s what’s going on YANBU it’s irritating as fuck. But also YABU because if the day’s already different you really do need to just go with the flow and pick it up again later. It’s only worth worrying over if it’s an ongoing thing.

You said you were taking him. He suggested you both go, you said no. So therefore you were taking him as planned.

Yeah you need to communicate better. Just because he got up, doesnt automatically mean he's taking him

@Burntcoffee were you of the thinking that, if DP was up anyway, he could have offered to take your son so that you could lie in?
There’s been bones of contention in my relationship with similar scenarios. I think the crux of it is that just because someone doesn’t enjoy a lie in, doesn’t mean they should by default do the morning nursery drop/school run/dog walk. That sometimes they might like to have a leisurely morning and that just because they won’t sleep in doesn’t mean they don’t want to relax in the morning.

I get what you're saying. You said you'd take child to nursery so your dh could lay in bed. When he got up anyway, you figured he may as well take child in car as he was up. As you'd offered so he could lay in which he didn't bother doing.

Why does your parter getting up equate taking your child to nursery. Can he not just get up for any reason that doesn’t revolve around your child?

I think you were the one changing plans/ not communicating.
He got up ( you assumed this meant he was doing the nursery run)

He offered to make it a joint trip ( you said no, but meanwhile the original plan was still that you take your child)

You are confused by him putting the coat on, but the original plan was still in place- that you walk your child to nursery.

All this is based on the assumption that he would take your child because he…got up?

So basically you're just annoyed that your DP got up when you'd offered him a lie-in, and if you'd know he was going to then you could have had the lie-in yourself?

That seems to me to be the sub-text of it to me.

I think I assumed he was taking him in the car because he said yes to this but then assumed when I said I wasn't coming, that the original plan was back on.

He was in DSs bedroom fully dressed, shoes on so it sort of just made sense to me too.

@NumberTheory I think you've hit the nail on the head there. As much as I like us all spending time together, it feels a bit silly to sit in the car for 5 minutes with them both when I could start cracking on with some jobs as opposed to the 40 minute round trip in my joggers in the rain.

And child free days off are so rare and precious that not surprisingly he didn't want to waste any of the time hanging around in bed.

Do you understand that you didn't communicate any of that to your DP?

I think I assumed he was taking him in the car because he said yes to this
Er, no he did not say yes to that….

I assume you don't drive. Hence why only he can take the car.

Why didn't you just tell him either yesterday or today. It's so much quicker when you take him to nursery , can you please take him tomorrow , and then I can crack on with jobs.

You never said any of that

DH suggests you all go together, in the car.
You say no, you don’t want to all go together.
From this your DH is supposed to know this means you are no longer going as since he suggested using the car that means he is now taking your son to nursery.

What on earth is going on? I’ve tried to understand this as best I can but it seems you expect your DP to be a mind reader

I suggested it was best that I didn't come with them.

I get this. I am in the thick of baby exhaustion and sleepless nights and I completely get that if I got up to give my husband I lie in, I would like neither of us having a lie in would be a waste of am opportunity especially if i was very tired. In my mind I'd be thinking 'I could have had his lie in if i had have known he would be getting up early anyway!'

I am currently in constant sleep deprivation and probably would have cried with sheer exhaustion if I felt like I missed even a small chance to sleep.

This.

You said you would do it. He offered to come too, to spend a little time as a family and you said no. So he expects you to stick to the original arrangement.

If you'd rather do 40 mins in your joggers in the rain, then do it? Or go five mins in the car like offered.

You're being a total martyr!

It's you that sounds like you're sulking.

Your communication style is not very clear.

Only you can know if this is a grumpy one off morning. Or a pattern of not clearly explaining what you are thinking or want

Does anyone else struggle with these communication problems?

It's not a communication problem, it's a micromanaging problem.
Stop getting in the way of your husband's wish to parent his own child ffs.

I remember when the kids were small resenting having DH come along or get involved with any sort of childcare “chore” that one person could do. I wanted him to do it or me to do it. But not both of us. It meant I didn’t get a break for it but also that he felt he’d done his “share” so I wouldn’t get a break later. He would dip in and out and I wouldn’t know if I could just go off and get a cup of tea or if I had to watch what was getting done and what wasn’t and pick up all the pieces (especially true for things the kids would get stressed about if there was a change in routine).

This is familiar. I think OP is communicating poorly but this could be the root of the issue as I felt (feel) the same if DH gets home from work earlier than expected when I’m wfh and wants us both to go and fetch DS from nursery. No, I’d rather do an extra 20 mins work, start dinner, run the hoover round, or enjoy the walk by myself and DH does the housework. It’s pleasant but inefficient if we both do the same thing!

We have learned to communicate better, even if it did initially involve saying things like “I am going to empty the bins and then wash the car. You are in sole charge of DS for the next 30 minutes”

I agree it sounds like you are muddling things and adding to the nitpicky arguments more.
Maybe you were just tired?
You offered to get up, then you seem to be annoyed that your partner ended up not really sleeping in.
Then you had an issue with him suggesting you all went. I get your DS gets a bit funny with drop off but he was just trying to suggest something nice, you don’t need to make an issue out of it.
Then you presumed the plan had changed and your partner was taking him, even though he didn’t say that.
It sounds like you just need to be clearer instead of making assumptions. You aren’t bad or wrong, but this arguments and you getting annoyed was all so unnecessary.