Looked at escort website

Shannon771 · 2022-10-23T19:15:24+00:00

Hi, I really need some objective insight and feedback on this situation. I have a fiancé and we share a home in England. Fiancé (age 54) came back home from visiting his grown son in Canada (where fiancé is from originally). As soon as he got back home I picked up his tablet to look something up and an escort website popped up! It was for a higher end call girl service (in the town fiancé was visiting son, and also where fiancé visits every few months). I have never seen any of his web history prior to this and we have only been living together for one year when this happened. So I saw that he looked at 18 different profiles of escorts but I didn’t see where he had contacted anyone or anything like that. But he was clearly looking at many profiles! When I asked him about it he was mortified and he said that he had been clearing out his old emails while visiting his son and that some porn emails popped up and also the escort site just popped up and so he looked at it out of curiosity. He said it was a pop up and he only looked but I feel like looking at 18 pages of profiles is quite a bit. He said he had no idea that escorts would ever even be online which I find very hard to believe. This was only one year after living together that i discovered this! i just don’t know what to think. He had a previous marriage of over 20 years. Any advice?

SavoirFlair · 23/10/2022 20:30

Firstly, Mumsnet has a Relationships board. This is “AIBU” where people post dilemnas and ask if they or the person named is being unreasonable or not.

secondly, he looked up escort services in the town he was in. He most likely used one. Do you accept that this is the most likely possibility?

BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 20:32

Well I mean... What do you want to do? Is this a boundary crossed for you? Is your trust broken? Can that be rebuilt?

For me, if there was no other evidence, no emails, no messages, no card transactions or large withdrawals, I'd have a conversation about it and move on tbh. I've looked at a similar website before - not because I was interested in buying a service at all, but more curiosity about how it's marketed. I think a documentary on Channel 4 made me curious - the fact that you have these super glamourous ads and photos but more often than not the reality doesn't match up at all.

Have you said to him that that's not what you expect in a partner?

Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:37

I feel it’s likely he was looking to book one for that visit or possibly for the next visit. I just don’t think someone would look at so many profiles for no reason. If he was really young maybe for curiosity but he’s 54 so not naive. I was posting here to see if it’s reasonable to end the relationship over this.

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Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:38

Yes I was very upset! He knows that. I don’t have the ability to check his accounts for withdrawals etc because he was in a different country and I don’t have access to his accounts.

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BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 20:39

Only you can decide whether or not this is a reasonable thing to end a relationship over. I'd go with your gut.

Watchthesunrise · 23/10/2022 20:40

Ask to see his credit card and bank transactions. If using an escort is cheating to you (it definitely is to me) then dump.

Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:41

I also saw where his adult son from his previous marriage sent him messages about being a cheater in the past. When I asked him about why would his son say that, he said he has no idea.

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BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 20:45

Would it be possible for you to say I need to believe you and I need to know so show me your transactions? I wouldn't relish the invasion of privacy but if it came down to ending a relationship and engagement, I'd want to know everything possible and I wouldn't want him to put up barriers to proving to me that he didn't cheat.

Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:52

Yes that’s possible however he has a lot of money and withdrawing money could be easily used for family outings etc while he was there visiting.

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MeridianB · 23/10/2022 20:57

….he said that he had been clearing out his old emails while visiting his son and that some porn emails popped up and also the escort site just popped up and so he looked at it out of curiosity. He said it was a pop up and he only looked but I feel like looking at 18 pages of profiles is quite a bit. He said he had no idea that escorts would ever even be online which I find very hard to believe.

Sorry OP, but his explanation is beyond feeble and clearly a lie.

Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:58

Thank you for your feedback. I find it very hard to believe as well.

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Wallywobbles · 23/10/2022 21:01

Unfortunately if you choose to believe him then you've given him a total green light to continue. Sorry.

Sandra1984 · 23/10/2022 21:05

He's lying to you. Why I think this?

You said he was "mortified" when confronted, if he was innocent and had looked at it by "accident" he wouldn't really care, maybe even laugh about it. The fact he was mortified shows his "secret life" had been exposed.
18 escorts? That's waaaay too many escorts to look at "by accident". Sounds like he was searching for something "specific".
High end escort websites and porn don't websites pop by accident unless your cookies have learned those are your preferred searches and cookies get saved (a little bit like when you do specific searches to buy a certain product and all of a sudden you start getting ads of similar products)
He wasn't looking at escorts in another country, he was looking at escorts in the town he's visiting and he's looking at 18 profiles, means he searching for a very specific type of escort.
He said "he didn't know escorts would ever be online", really? has this man lived inside a cave all his life. Another lie.

Finding out he actually met an escort would require some heavy detective work on your part, searching in his email, maybe finding out if he has another email account he uses for secret shenanigans, going through his ATM cash withdrawals the days he was visiting his son as escorts only take cash and seeing if a large amounts withdrawn on a specific day.

LimeTwists · 23/10/2022 21:11

Every man says that the escort sites ‘just popped up’ and he was ‘just being curious’ when browsing for sex workers is found on their computers and there is no other person to blame. Obviously he’s not going to say, “Ok - you busted me - I was indeed looking through 18 profiles of sex workers to see who the most attractive one was to book”. Use your logic, not your heart. They all just happened to be located in a place he visits? Also, pop ups don’t pop up when you read emails - that is utter bollocks. They pop up when you are using a web browser. Totally different to clicking on a link in an email. Again, he’s telling you lies and pretending that it all just happened to him. Well, if a pop up genuinely occurred and he’s a decent man then why would he look at 18 pages / profiles of prostitutes in the local area instead of immediately closing the pop up?!

Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 21:11

Agreed! Thank you for your feedback and well thought out points. It would be nearly impossible for me to do all the detective work because he was in another country and also has I think 3 cell phones as well. He’s very familiar with the place he was visiting and would know his way around everything. I agree about that site not just popping up out of nowhere. Plus it was a high end site, and looked legit.

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Original poster

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 21:12

Well my thoughts exactly! Agreed.

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emmasmith4321 · 26/10/2022 07:16

Hi so my husband done basically the same thing if you go onto my post ( I'm new here you will see the details ). So what you can do is if you have his email is check his google location history to see if he stopped anywhere for a long time and google the area , if you can get your hands on his phone you can ring his phone network up and ask for the call history in the past 30 days or so , add yourself to find my iPhone so you can see his location , if he had an android phone you can download call monitoring on it and you will get a little password and you can see who he is calling /websites visited / even listed to his future phone call conversations , you only need to pay for the subscription then when Hese asleep download it only his phone ( everything I have told you make sure you delete evidence / refresh his page history so none of this is found ) hope this helps if you can't find out about the past look into what he is doing now , I'm sure u can also get like a phone logger that plugs into his phone and retrieved all the info of deleted texts /calls /search history etc , but from learning from past mistrals do not mention it again pretend like you have forgotten about it so he isn't cautious about his moves

Original poster

Shannon771 · 26/10/2022 10:42

Thank you for your suggestions and I’m sorry you are also dealing with this. I just feel like (for me) to go to such great lengths to see what he’s doing means there is no trust and the relationship is therefore broken.

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lentilly · 26/10/2022 10:45

You don't need detective work. You can leave him at any time for any or indeed no reason.

Sandra1984 · 26/10/2022 13:08

emmasmith4321 · 26/10/2022 07:16

Hi so my husband done basically the same thing if you go onto my post ( I'm new here you will see the details ). So what you can do is if you have his email is check his google location history to see if he stopped anywhere for a long time and google the area , if you can get your hands on his phone you can ring his phone network up and ask for the call history in the past 30 days or so , add yourself to find my iPhone so you can see his location , if he had an android phone you can download call monitoring on it and you will get a little password and you can see who he is calling /websites visited / even listed to his future phone call conversations , you only need to pay for the subscription then when Hese asleep download it only his phone ( everything I have told you make sure you delete evidence / refresh his page history so none of this is found ) hope this helps if you can't find out about the past look into what he is doing now , I'm sure u can also get like a phone logger that plugs into his phone and retrieved all the info of deleted texts /calls /search history etc , but from learning from past mistrals do not mention it again pretend like you have forgotten about it so he isn't cautious about his moves

That's actually quite a lot of work. I imagine the OP has a life, probably a job and hobbies, family etc... that need her presence, these are more important than becoming a private detective obsessing over the fact your hubby may have paid for sex or not. It's not healthy. If she wants hard evidence I would just hire a detective in the city he visits his son, pay him and see what hubby is up to.

Original poster

Shannon771 · 26/10/2022 17:10

We aren’t married, but engaged. The thing is once you start doing stuff like detectives etc. isn’t the relationship already over. Maybe if we were married it would be different, but we aren’t thankfully.

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Anonymouslyposting · 26/10/2022 17:58

I’ve looked at escort sites before. They were sites advertising female escorts and I am a straight woman - so 100% not going to be using their services! However, I was curious and so I had a snoop.

I’d be suspicious in your shoes (particularly as it was done while he was away from home alone) but it may be that your fiancé was doing something similar. Personally if it was DH I’d give him the benefit of the doubt - but I’d be on high alert for any other signs for a while at least.

If you’re not confident he’s innocent then I’d be making sure he had an STD before he gets near you again.

BabyGrooverBug · 26/10/2022 18:20

Personally, I think it's entirely plausible he looked at the profiles out of curiosity or for the thrill of looking at the profiles. (Use your imagination!)

It's also entirely plausible he visited a call girl.

Do you want the relationship over? If so this is a perfect excuse/reason. If not.... Only you can decide if you feel you have no choice.

Original poster

Shannon771 · 26/10/2022 19:11

He looked at pages and pages of them and he’s no spring chicken meaning the curiosity part wouldn’t be new for him. His reason was that he just couldn’t believe escorts would be online so he had to see for himself. Hmmm really?

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Sandra1984 · 26/10/2022 23:14

Shannon771 · 26/10/2022 19:11

He looked at pages and pages of them and he’s no spring chicken meaning the curiosity part wouldn’t be new for him. His reason was that he just couldn’t believe escorts would be online so he had to see for himself. Hmmm really?

" I was alone in my hotel, something popped up on my feed so I started to look at it out of curiosity and sheer boredom" would have sound more like a honest answer. The fact he lied ("I didn't know escorts were on on the internet") is a give away.