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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looked at escort website

77 replies

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:15

Hi,
I really need some objective insight and feedback on this situation. I have a fiancé and we share
a home in England. Fiancé (age 54) came back home from visiting his grown son in Canada (where fiancé is from originally). As soon as he got back home I picked up his tablet to look something up and an escort website popped up!
It was for a higher end call girl service (in the town fiancé was visiting son, and also where fiancé visits every few months). I have never seen any of his web history prior to this and we have only been living together for one year when this happened. So I saw that he looked at 18 different profiles of escorts but I didn’t see where he had contacted anyone or anything like that. But he was clearly looking at many profiles! When I asked him about it he was mortified and he said that he had been clearing out his old emails while visiting his son and that some porn emails popped up and also the escort site just popped up and so he looked at it out of curiosity. He said it was a pop up and he only looked but I feel like looking at 18 pages of profiles is quite a bit. He said he had no idea that escorts would ever even be online which I find very hard to believe. This was only one year after living together that i discovered this!
i just don’t know what to think. He had a previous marriage of over 20 years. Any advice?

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 26/10/2022 23:17

He intended to cheat on you with an escort and his son has called him a cheater. But you refuse to investigate further because that would mean the relationship is over. It already is.

Sandra1984 · 26/10/2022 23:26

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 26/10/2022 23:17

He intended to cheat on you with an escort and his son has called him a cheater. But you refuse to investigate further because that would mean the relationship is over. It already is.

I would call his son and listen to his side of the story. Your DP doesn't need to know you called the son. Stories have many sides to them, the more sides you hear the more you'll come with a "better picture".

Sandra1984 · 26/10/2022 23:33

If I'm going to invest in a man and engaged to him I would like to know what I'm getting into. Your DP says he never cheated, maybe the son has a different story and DP is lying. Personally I would like to get more info before I continue investing. Information is power.

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 26/10/2022 23:36

There are a lot of us on the relationships boards who will tell you now to not go there with this man.
Its often a double life for them, they have a punter phone to book after looking online.
Its a grubby business and they know all the sayings to seem like ohhh it just popped up!
I played detective and it was not good. My ex even 'researched' sex workers while waiting in another city for an emergency passport. Strange how he didnt research sex workers in a different country if it was a curious fantasy.
My ex even had planned reasons for cash out of account such as chipping in for birthday present at work. He was good strung me along for 4 years.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 01:26

Thank you so much for all of your feedback everyone. When I say that going into the detective work means the relationship is over, what I am saying is that the relationship is already over for me. I’m not interested in doing the detective work because if I have that level of mistrust which I do that says to me the relationship is already over. I’m not interested in wasting my time when I already have no trust. I’m not investing further in this man!! Who needs it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 01:30

I’m sorry to hear angelswithflirtyfaces what you went through with your ex husband. They are good liars and so convincing. Interesting my (now ex) fiancé also has two or three cell phones. 🤔 Good for you for moving forward! Life is too precious to waste it with someone who can’t trust!

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/10/2022 01:35

Well done for knowing your worth op. God think how miserable life would have been with him. And heaven knows how it would have been if you hadn’t found out.
your well rid.
you’ve got everything waiting for your future.

Shauna27 · 27/10/2022 02:14

This isn't his first time... just the first time you caught him. Dump him, you deserve more respect than that.

OdkinsBodkins · 27/10/2022 02:16

he’s no spring chicken meaning the curiosity part wouldn’t be new for him.

Is there an age limit on general curiosity?

I do think he's lying overall though.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 02:20

Odkinsbodkins
there’s no age limit on curiosity. But what ex fiancé was claiming was that he just couldn’t believe they would actually have a website online! That amount of naïveté I’m not believing.
he said he had to look through it because he just couldn’t believe it was online like that.

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Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 02:21

Kateandme

Thank you for your encouraging words!

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Chloefairydust · 27/10/2022 02:23

This is really suspicious behaviour… porn would be one thing but to actually look up escorts … He clearly intended to cheat on you and to be honest it probably isn’t the first time 😮

Sorry OP that your going through this, you deserve better than this man 💐

Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 02:23

Sandra1984
You are so correct! That he used that as the reason he had to look through it is such a dead giveaway! That he just couldn’t believe this would be online so he just had to look to see what on earth it could be all about. Yeah ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shannon771 · 27/10/2022 02:25

Chloefairydust

yes I agree with you!

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ZiriForEver · 27/10/2022 02:46

I'll go against the LTB bandwagon here.

I am straight woman in my real life, but there was a time when I liked online strolling through sites like that or public preview of live cams. I liked the glam presentation, some of the ladies there seemed so confident and cool.
I can imagine that 18 profiles and some fantasy can be enough wanking material without intention of taking it anywhere further.
If it was so, it would be still a stupid lie and covering up for something, but if you generally don't talk about this kind of stuff, I can easily imagine that he might be covering for something that isn't a real (relationship) crime.

feindVicarInATutu · 27/10/2022 04:09

ZiriForEver · 27/10/2022 02:46

I'll go against the LTB bandwagon here.

I am straight woman in my real life, but there was a time when I liked online strolling through sites like that or public preview of live cams. I liked the glam presentation, some of the ladies there seemed so confident and cool.
I can imagine that 18 profiles and some fantasy can be enough wanking material without intention of taking it anywhere further.
If it was so, it would be still a stupid lie and covering up for something, but if you generally don't talk about this kind of stuff, I can easily imagine that he might be covering for something that isn't a real (relationship) crime.

Sorry but if it's wank material you want there is a zillion porn sites which are not interactive.

If I found out my oh was looking at prostitution websites while away I'd draw the obvious conclusion.

Op - dump . X

fruktsoda · 27/10/2022 04:24

His own son accusing him of cheating would make me much less likely to believe he was "just looking". The faux innocent act doesn't ring true, either. Sorry you're dealing with this!

Weatherwax13 · 27/10/2022 04:43

You have your head screwed on. I think you're completely right that if it comes to a point where you're considering detective work behind your partner's back then yes, the relationship is over. You already know enough anyway.
Previous female PPs' stories of looking at escorts sites are irrelevant. Your partner is a straight bloke. Who was away from home and trawling escort profiles.
I shudder to suggest this but you should probably get tested for STIs.
What a nasty bloke. You deserve far better.

ExtraOnions · 27/10/2022 07:35

I’ve looked through Escort sites before, from curiosity. I wanted to see if any of them provided men for women, and if they did, what their profiles were like. Never intended to use any of the services … just curious

Original poster
Shannon771 · 13/11/2022 17:40

Update to the situation: He is now angry at me for not believing him and ending the relationship. He says it was simple curiosity and I have over reacted and he doesn’t deserve for me to no longer trust him. In essence blame shifting. Thoughts about him now being angry with me over this?

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boddidoil · 13/11/2022 17:44

First thought is that he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you're a nasty mamma for not letting ickle boy play with his toys even if he was a bit naughty and played with something he shouldn't have.
He may be 54 but he's not mentally mature. Unless you want a job on your hands, forget him.

Rippled · 13/11/2022 17:49

Shannon771 · 23/10/2022 20:41

I also saw where his adult son from his previous marriage sent him messages about being a cheater in the past. When I asked him about why would his son say that, he said he has no idea.

Ah, I see. You knew he has cheated on other women, but you thought he definitely wouldn't cheat on you. Why not? Did he tell you you were "special" and "the one"..........

Rippled · 13/11/2022 17:51

Isn't there a rumour that the D of E hired escorts to wise Charles up a bit?
Maybe they were for his son?

Though if so, I doubt he'd splash out on "high end". A massage parlour might have been more like it.

Original poster
Shannon771 · 13/11/2022 17:55

Bobbidoil. It’s true that I’ve discovered a high level of emotional immaturity. And I agree with you. It is like a tantrum of “why should I not be let off the hook” and I have also felt like his mother often in the relationship. Quite draining.

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Original poster
Shannon771 · 13/11/2022 17:56

rippled. No it wouldn’t have been for his son.

OP posts: