“What caused it?”

[Borisisabanana]

My child was born with a physical issue/impairment. He needs surgery and it will still never be 100% fixed. MIL asked me today “what caused it?”

AIBU to think this is fucking rude?

i just feel it implies a degree of blame on my part as he’s just a baby so must have been in utero, and has had me worried sick googling causes (some of which are very concerning indeed but none of which the doctor has mentioned).

or am I just being sensitive? I can’t imagine seeing someone with an impairment or disability and asking their mother what caused it.

If a stranger asked it would be rude, this is the child’s grandmother right? Why shouldn’t they ask? I think you are being incredibly over sensitive.

I could be being very sensitive / it’s a sensitive subject for me.

we just aren’t particularly close. My own mother hasn’t asked me that.

I’m sorry this is a tough time for you.

I think it’s an understandable thing that a very close family member would find important to know - if it’s genetic (for instance) there might be implications for other family members.

Perhaps with hindsight she could have phrased it differently however.

I think that is an incredibly rude and tone deaf question. Even if you knew the “cause” how would it be of any benefit for MIL to know. I’m not surprised it has irritated you.

I think it’s far stranger than your own mother hasn’t asked to be honest. Guessing you aren’t close to her?

She’s his grandmother, her son is his dad…she’s not a random in the Post Office queue.
I’d want to know as well.

A friend has a grandchild with a physical condition. She has never had it explained to her though she's close to the parents , and she questions herself and other people about whether it could somehow be because of something genetic that she doesn't know about, ie in some way her fault.

im very close to my mother. Maybe my mother just googled the answer to the question rather than ask me/imply some degree of blame on my part.

it’s very much not genetic (not that it stopped Mil from making other comments to DH about completely unrelated medical problems our other children have had)

how did she ask?
was it part of a bigger conversation, with care and concern, like...
what have the doctors said...?is there any treatment?...will it improve or get worse?
it is natural that she asks, and natural that you might feel blame where none was intended

YANBU, it’s her choice of words, abrupt and almost accusatory. Most people (including OP’s mum) haven’t asked because presumably it’s congenital and therefore outside the parents’ control.

Shy didn’t she ask her son?

But couldn’t you Google? Or wait for the dust to settle, not 1 week after the small baby has been diagnosed?

she is not exactly a hands on and involved grandmother.

maybe that’s what’s causing my sensitivity to it

This!!!! The wording was very accusatory

The question may have irritated you, but she is the child's Grandmother, not a person you just met in the park.

'just googling the answer' to be honest, doesn't sound very reliable unless the diagnosis is very definite and she limits herself to very reliable sources

If no one ever asked what caused something or how something came about we wouldnt have got very far as a species

She is the child's grandmother, its natural for her to be curious and also for her to perhaps not understand the specifics of the disorder or need until its explained to her which is probably why she is asking. Humans have a need to make sense of things

I don’t like how being related to a child on MN gives you carte Blanche to act however you like. nevermind how much time you actually spend with them!

it’s congenital. There’s nothing I could have done (although now I’m worried somehow it’s something I’ve done whilst pregnant)

You know her best but as an outsider I think it is OK for her to ask you. I wouldn’t assume any accusation or anything.

There are other ways she could ask information and she should have asked her son privately rather than asking you! She sounds insensitive

I dont think the query 'what caused it' is accusatory at all.

You're bound to be feeling oversensitive, why not just have a conversation with her about it if she asked you directly, or did she ask her son and you both together?

Could she be worried that there's a genetic component that could have been passed down by her son so her other children would need to be aware?

Yes perhaps this is the answer. Perhaps everyone is right and it’s reasonable for her to ask but she could have just asked her son.

I don’t think she has the right to act however she likes, I just think it’s a normal question from a very close family member. Sounds like there’s clearly a back story here that you didn’t include though which may have made me answer differently. But based on a normal grandmother asking a basic question I think it’s ok to ask.

How else is she supposed to be educated about it? Better than assuming they know or not believing it.

She didn’t say, or even imply, it was something you did.

As mums, we are (of course) sensitive to this stuff. My 16 year old DD is currently going through an ASD assesment .. having suffered with her mental health for a couple of years. The number of times I’ve tried to work out if it’s my fault … did I go back to work too early? , did I not finish work early enough! Was I too stressed? Was it because I ate soft cheese, and had a glass of wine ?? You name it. It is (of course) none of these.

I think you are reading things into her comments, because you are overthinking it yourself.

Just me on my own. I don’t know I just felt defensive and upset at the time (and now very worried and want to speak to the consultant for reassurance).

as I say I then heard her cornering DH and talking about problems our other children have had, as if we make malfunctioning children and shouldn’t have any more