“What caused it?”

[Borisisabanana]

My child was born with a physical issue/impairment. He needs surgery and it will still never be 100% fixed. MIL asked me today “what caused it?”

AIBU to think this is fucking rude?

i just feel it implies a degree of blame on my part as he’s just a baby so must have been in utero, and has had me worried sick googling causes (some of which are very concerning indeed but none of which the doctor has mentioned).

or am I just being sensitive? I can’t imagine seeing someone with an impairment or disability and asking their mother what caused it.

A cousin of mine has 2 kids with cystic fibrosis. My aunt (grandmother to the children) believed it was caused by my cousins wife having rubella in pregnancy.

I've no idea why she hadn't been properly informed that that's not how a child gets CF, but I do think that a grandparent would want to know.

@FatCatSkinnyRat so sorry for your little boys illness.
I think people often ask this question as it is such sad and upsetting news that something awful happens unfairly , especially when it's children that as humans we need to find a way to make sense of it by asking for a cause

I wonder if she thought something went wrong at the hospital rather than something you did?

It’s completely tone deaf. What was the op supposed to respond? “The cause? Oh yes it was because I drank too much/have bad genes/ played too much sport”. It implies something happened to make it happen.

One of my 5 sisters was diagnosed with a genetic problem a couple of years back, we all received letters from the genetics department. The first thing we did was a group zoom and asked her what her consultant said about what caused it (and how we all got to our 60's without it being detected before). There's no implication that the first sister who was diagnosed had done anything wrong. It's a basic question about how it happened to us. When I was telling my DH, my sons and MIL the first question from all of them was "what caused that"

The relationship is context here. It's not tone deaf to discuss family issues with family. Maybe insensitive given that OP hadn't processed it yet and doesn't always get on with MIL.

I think it's a perfectly valid question for her to ask OP.

How are you going to cope when your child asks? Some things have to be dealt with relatively openly.

My sons autistic and I didn’t get offended when we used to sit and chat about the causes. But you know the tone and the context.

I’ve NC for this as I’m a MiL.
The fact that she asked you and not your DH directly demonstrates she believes your relationship with her has improved.
Trust her.
She’s as upset and confused by what has happened as you are.
She is in no way attributing blame to you. There is no indication that she is doing this. Don’t project into her.
The baby has not only inherited your DNA but her son’s and hers.
She is most likely more aware of her family medical history than you are. She could help you to understand the situation more fully if you open up to her.
Do you want to know the cause? Yes. She does too for the same reasons as you.
There’s nothing to read into what she asked.
Try not to think of her as insensitive. Perhaps you are overly sensitive to her.
Accept her as an experienced mother who is looking out for you and the family you have made with her son.

Its a perfectly normal and valid question especially if there was a thought it might be genetic.

As for saying she should have googled...surely its better to ask the person who has spoken to medical specialists about this specific child and get the relevant facts rather than maybes.

Be grateful shes actually interested in her grandchild.

I don't think it implies blame whatsoever unless there's a back story. Of course as his grandmother she would want to know. I think you are being sensitive and reading things into a simple sentence but I can understand that this is hard for you and that kqxbe you worry that others are blaming you even if they aren't.

Thanks for the input everyone - appreciate the opinions. I am sure I am just being over sensitive as I’m upset and will try to accept her comment in a positive/interested nature and I’m sure I will feel better when I know more about the medical situation/am
not so afraid/know exactly what the parameters are.

going to step off the thread now. Thanks again.

Do you blame yourself for his impairment, OP?
Coz the natural answer would be "I don't know" rather than be sure your MIL is accusing you of something.

You're stuck with this woman for life by virtue of having her grandchild. This is just my opinion you can ignore. I'm sure that if you always respond as though you know she could only have said something with the best of intentions, then you will have a better relationship. That doesn't mean you trust or like her, it just means that you can always hold your head up high that you have done nothing wrong in the relationship and any issues she has are her issues, entirely not yours. Her opinions don't have to weigh heavy on you.

Sending you every best wish and a virtual hug.

She didn't say "what did you do wrong to cause it?" She said "what caused it?" I don't think this is unreasonable of her to ask you. I'd be curious as a close family member probably. At least she asked you rather than googling like some people have suggested! I wouldn't be offended personally, I'd appreciate someone asking instead of speculating.

Aww. I feel for you OP. I wouldn't over think it. She's likely just curious. I don't think it was rude unless she was saying it in a way that implied wrong doing on your part. It sounds like you are worried now that something you did caused it, which I very much doubt. Maybe have a discussion with the docs about causality. It will make you feel better, empower you, and then you won't mind such questions in future 💐

Hi OP, seems to me the issue here is how not what - yes a grandmother may well want to know about the causes of dc's condition, but no, she is not entitled to be rude and accusatory about it.

My paternal grandparents developed a habit of constructing accusatory narratives targeting my mother whenever I or my sister had any problems. It can happen.

The main problem though was that my dad didn't shut them down. Hope your dh is in your corner.