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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“What caused it?”

66 replies

Borisisabanana · 23/10/2022 18:39

My child was born with a physical issue/impairment. He needs surgery and it will still never be 100% fixed. MIL asked me today “what caused it?”

AIBU to think this is fucking rude?

i just feel it implies a degree of blame on my part as he’s just a baby so must have been in utero, and has had me worried sick googling causes (some of which are very concerning indeed but none of which the doctor has mentioned).

or am I just being sensitive? I can’t imagine seeing someone with an impairment or disability and asking their mother what caused it.

OP posts:
physwizz · 23/10/2022 18:59

I think we all blame ourselves for things as parents and it was probably your underlying feelings of anxiety about the diagnosis that made you extra sensitive to the comment op.

I understand why you feel she was rude, particularly if she has made other similar comments in the past.

Perhaps it was innocent curiosity, perhaps she does want someone to blame (other than her son or herself), you won't know either way (unless you ask which I don't recommend!)

I would focus instead on being kind to yourself, you are NOT to blame for this. Step away from Google, listen to the medical team and enjoy your newborn 🥰

bellac11 · 23/10/2022 18:59

Well when you say she should ask her son, perhaps she did in the conversation you overheard too

Perhaps she would benefit from having it explained.
But ultimately it makes it sound as if she can never speak to you about her grandchild and you say your own mother hasnt even talked about it with you, perhaps she senses that you get defensive and sensitive and is worried about raising it too

People arent perfect you know.

Original poster
Borisisabanana · 23/10/2022 18:59

ExtraOnions · 23/10/2022 18:56

She didn’t say, or even imply, it was something you did.

As mums, we are (of course) sensitive to this stuff. My 16 year old DD is currently going through an ASD assesment .. having suffered with her mental health for a couple of years. The number of times I’ve tried to work out if it’s my fault … did I go back to work too early? , did I not finish work early enough! Was I too stressed? Was it because I ate soft cheese, and had a glass of wine ?? You name it. It is (of course) none of these.

I think you are reading things into her comments, because you are overthinking it yourself.

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I’m sure there’s a degree of projection, yes. But certainly I have now spent hours googling this and feeling sick and worried and won’t sleep until I’ve spoken to the doctor tomorrow to clarify a few points. I didn’t feel like that before speaking to her.

as pp says the back story is we didn’t used to get on/she was very disapproving and judgemental of me. Things are better but I guess the feelings don’t really go away altogether

OP posts:
Original poster
Borisisabanana · 23/10/2022 19:01

Thank you 🙏🏻 @physwizz

OP posts:
Emmelina · 23/10/2022 19:01

It sounds like it’s the way it was asked. Is she normally quite a blunt and to the point woman who perhaps doesn’t think properly before speaking?

Original poster
Borisisabanana · 23/10/2022 19:03

Emmelina · 23/10/2022 19:01

It sounds like it’s the way it was asked. Is she normally quite a blunt and to the point woman who perhaps doesn’t think properly before speaking?

She’s actually not really but she has form
for making hurtful comments - I’m never sure if she knows they are hurtful Or not

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 23/10/2022 19:05

My child was born with a heart defect and my parents asked this and I didn't mind one bit. I think you are being oversensitive because it's all very new and raw.

nokidshere · 23/10/2022 19:16

The problem with stuff like this is that if you liked and had a good relationship with the person asking it probably wouldn't bother you.

But because you don't get on and don't like her you take offence.

Just ignore and get on with your life.

Original poster
Borisisabanana · 23/10/2022 19:19

nokidshere · 23/10/2022 19:16

The problem with stuff like this is that if you liked and had a good relationship with the person asking it probably wouldn't bother you.

But because you don't get on and don't like her you take offence.

Just ignore and get on with your life.

Yes thank you I think this is the answer.

i don’t dislike her btw I do like her but she is never around these days and disinterested in the children and I think that’s just made it a bit off for me. If we were close and she was always around and hands on it would feel different.

will drop it (and speak to the consultant anyway for my peace of mind)

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 23/10/2022 19:20

I think you are sounding very overly defensive about it. Asking what caused it is not implying blame at you at all. Maybe your own mum just knows tread carefully around you with these sorts of things and thats why she hasnt asked.

tickticksnooze · 23/10/2022 19:22

The wording doesn't sound accusatory to me.

Anycrispsleft · 23/10/2022 19:22

Violettaa · 23/10/2022 18:44

I’m sorry this is a tough time for you.

I think it’s an understandable thing that a very close family member would find important to know - if it’s genetic (for instance) there might be implications for other family members.

Perhaps with hindsight she could have phrased it differently however.

If it was something genetic the OP would have been referred to a genetic counsellor who could gave advised on the likelihood of relatives being affected/carriers (because it varies between conditions). The MIL is just being nosey.

Violettaa · 23/10/2022 19:36

Anycrispsleft · 23/10/2022 19:22

If it was something genetic the OP would have been referred to a genetic counsellor who could gave advised on the likelihood of relatives being affected/carriers (because it varies between conditions). The MIL is just being nosey.

Show quote history

But MIL might well not know that.

A different situation, but my Dd has a rare and prominent birthmark. Of course family want to know about it. It’s not nosey, it’s natural.

Newmum0322 · 23/10/2022 19:45

It was a clumsy question. One I’d probably ask myself (often putting my foot in it) but I’d have asked without any inference or suggestion you were to blame, and it’s possible your MIL did exactly this.

Based on your comments I assume you probably have a strained relationship with MIL so possibly think she meant offence where perhaps none was intended.

Ive had my own issues with in laws in the past and know that I am sometimes more sensitive to questions/remarks from them than I would otherwise be. Sometimes I just have to give the benefit of the doubt.

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 19:53

I don’t find it rude. I think you’re being overly sensitive

DeadbeatYoda · 23/10/2022 19:53

I think you're being way over sensitive. And pretty insulting suggesting that it's a parent's 'fault' if their baby does have a genetic cause to their condition.
It's a perfectly normal question from an Interested party. I'd be wary of alienating the people that care for you, I don't know what your situation is but, as a mother of a child with a genetic condition, you may find you need support from them someday.

DeadbeatYoda · 23/10/2022 19:57

I mean as the mother of a child with a genetic condiction ( me) I think you should be careful...

HotCoffee22 · 23/10/2022 19:59

I have a profoundly disabled family member and everyone wants to know how it happened. I think it’s natural.

drpet49 · 23/10/2022 20:01

BattenburgDonkey · 23/10/2022 18:44

I think it’s far stranger than your own mother hasn’t asked to be honest. Guessing you aren’t close to her?

I agree.

DesMoulinsRouge · 23/10/2022 20:05

I think you are overreacting a little and she was a little insensitive.
You are stressed, understandably, and it's really got to you.
I think it's normal to ask whether it is something genetic or just one of those things. Probably she could have worded it better.
Hope that your baby is OK and that you get some reassurance from the consultant.

DoubleBuggyDriver · 23/10/2022 20:08

I really don’t see the problem.

My son is 6 months and when he was 2 months old we found out he had a rare genetic disorder. We often had questions like
’how did he get it’ as it wasn’t passed on from his dad or I. I don’t see the issue in asking a question as I’m sure you’d be more educated on the topic seeing as it’s impacting your child.

The answer could simply be, ‘it was completely random’ and that’s it. I don’t feel like she’s implicating you did something wrong but obviously tone and stuff is a factor. You’re entitled to feel how you feel

surreygirl1987 · 23/10/2022 20:09

I can entirely understand why you feel that way. I think I would feel the same too. But I also understand why she asked. When my oldest son had health issues as a baby, I was desperate to know if there was a 'cause'. I was desperate to know anything! She's not a stranger - she's a family member who is very emotionally invested. However, she could have perhaps phrased her question more sensitively. I doubt she intended you to feel any element of blame whatsoever but I can fully understand why you took it that way and feel defensive. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable in this situation though- it's just tough for everyone. I really hope things work out okay.

BiscuitLover3678 · 23/10/2022 20:09

It’s completely tone deaf. What was the op supposed to respond? “The cause? Oh yes it was because I drank too much/have bad genes/ played too much sport”. It implies something happened to make it happen.

A more sensitive way would be to say “do you know why it’s happened?” But tbh even that can feel nosy and upsetting.
The baby is clearly young and it’s an incredibly emotional time anyway so she should have been much more sensitive.

BiscuitLover3678 · 23/10/2022 20:11

Also let’s please try and be sensitive to the op who is clearly going through an awful time. Of ten it’s the manner in how these things are asked too.

FatCatSkinnyRat · 23/10/2022 20:15

Hi OP, I think YANBU. I get you. I knew what this topic was about from just seeing the title in the thread list!

My son had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma a few years ago. It was the number one question absolutely every one asked - "did they say what caused it?". Not "I hope he is OK" or "how are you getting on?" or even "how can I help?".

To me, the subtext was "How can I do something you did/didn't do so my family doesn't end up like yours?"

In hindsight this is perhaps slightly unreasonable. But it went along with the why me, why my lovely boy, feelings I had at the time.

My PIL didn't even contact us when my son was sick as they are crap and live a fair distance away but I did hear that they mentioned to a family member that "we don't have cancer on our side of the family" which is also a bit shit.