Young men who get stuck doing nothing...

[Bunny890]

My younger brother is living at home with my parents and I know several other young men who also get 'stuck' at home - endlessly online, alienate friends, not able to even look for employment or engage with healthcare. I realise that there is a mental health element to this, but I can't help but feel frustrated - Mu

Yes, the inheritance will be a factor.
My ex completely wasted his inheritance from his father, and used it to avoid working.
He could have bought himself a flat.
It's very difficult. I feel for you. X

Totally agree, instead of coming up with the usual pseudo psychiatric reasons, let's just say that many of these young men are bone idle and by allowing them to fester in their room all day rather than looking for work their parents are partly to blame, get a job, contribute to the household or leave. There are jobs out there, they're not high paying jobs maybe but they're better than nothing.

My brother is the same, OP, and he's 46 now. Lived at home with my parents until they bought him a flat in his late 40s. A few years ago they then upgraded this to a house. He has never paid rent, will never pay a mortgage and never has to worry about bills as they pay him an allowance every month. He has a business for show that brings in nothing and my parents pretend to family that he is self sufficient.

I've been independent since leaving Uni and lived in a succession of horrible rented houses in my 20s that I paid for with my own modest wages. These days DH and I both work f/t and have 2 dependents and our own home.

Incidentally, my parents have more than enough money to also make me mortgage free in the same way they have my brother but have never offered to.

I am no contact with the lot of them now. My workshy brother and my hideous, enabling parents. He is their golden boy and always has been and they will continue to maintain this sham until they die, he inherits their enormous wealth and pisses it all away.

Which will serve the lot of them right.

Sorry they bought him a flat in his late 30s then upgraded it to a house.

@TheGander thats a sad story but thanks for sharing.
I am sorry that you are having to cope with this.

All of this. None of them seem to work, study or volunteer. Then have misguided beliefs about their abilities, despite having no real work experience or qualifications but think NMW is beneath them

Professionally l have encountered someone like this. Mum is querying what lm going to do about it?!?!?! I have no control over what he does or doesn’t do. He has no motivation. She babies him massively so he probably thinks he doesn’t need to try. E.g. for an appointment 2 miles away she asked about taking annual leave so she could drive him there and / or wait with him. Im like nah, how about if he makes his own way to the appointment? For clarity this guy is late 20’s, no physical impediment. Lives on a frequent bus route, not too far from a train station or god forbid could walk

Hardly forced labour but as long as we allow situations like those described here, sponging off parents, the state, etc what's the solution? It would get them off their arses and doing something and maybe motivate them to grow up. Having read threads on this site about how a 'child' is not an adult until 25 and they have to be babied until then is anyone surprised that they don't want to leave the womb?

Thanks @JustYouWaitTillHeLeaves . It's all a huge shame because he's also a really lovely bloke and I really enjoy his company, he's got nice mates who are very fond of him. He's kind and thoughtful, although I wouldn't say he's generous - I have had to have words in the past to get him to pay his way. I think he would be an asset to any company because he's bright, hard working and conscientious (he's the only one of his team who wasn't furloughed at the start of Covid) but there's this mental block that he's just not willing to resolve. And with the inheritance, and a roof over his head, he doesn't have to try.

I think this phenomenon shows why my mum told me and my brother when we turned 18 we either completed college and went to uni, got a job and paid board or left home. She was utterly right to do so.

lets be honest some men dont seem to have a purpose in life
males dont do as well in education
females can and do bring up kids alone so males not really needed
far to many drugs about especially cannabis use
no proper industry and not many apprenticehip's
rent etc so expensive and if you work for min wage its hard to afford

I’ve watched several of my classmates from Uni fall into this pattern. One thing many of them have in common is the misogyny and the online company they keep.

We have discord/Reddit groups for our school, and in some specific ones such as the CS ones and the gaming ones, not leaving the house is often glorified and seen as something to strive towards because ‘society is full of toxic people’. There’s also the idea I’ve seen many express that the world is biased against men, and that men are often seen as disposable because ‘women can create an only fans account and become millionaires’ and that if you get a job in FAANG ‘don’t marry because she’s just in it for the money’.

Spend long enough in these communities and that level of isolation you’re talking about is the norm, not the exception.

Placemarking for later

Would he be keen to try an apprenticeship? We take on apprentices where I work and I’ve seen the transformation from awkward 16yr old who needs his mum for everything into these confident, independent grown men. It gets them out of bed every morning, you can’t skive off like you can at college and you can earn a little while you learn your trade. I hope that all my children go down this route (though I won’t pressure). His MH issues obviously need dealing with as well but he definitely needs some motivation

I know a lot of men like this, they were worshipped by their parents as kids, didn't do any chores, got everything handed to them whilst their sisters had to 'earn their keep'. They grew up thinking that because they were male they didn't have to do anything they didn't want to, so they don't do anything. They all still live at home, can't keep a partner, and most don't have jobs. They all blame their parents for it, but they are all in their 30s/40s, they could have learnt how to be an adult by now if they wanted too, they are just lazy.

also you see it on here think it's wrong to take money of them for rent etc
many a life lesson learned from realising that you have to pay your way in life

I think this is true, I read OP’s post and I thought he may be a perfectionist as well, he withdrew when he wasn’t as successful as his friends so rather than not be good enough he gave up altogether. The suicide threats are controlling, it’s a way of avoiding change. If he has been out of work for a while he will be even further behind his peers, the disdain is either genuine or because he needs to believe he’s above you given the mess he’s made of his life. Speaking in Japanese is just a “I might be living in my childhood bedroom and on the internet all day but I’m still better than you” because he’s doing worse than probably most people he actually knows. A sort of psychic defence mechanism.

I really do understand your angry feelings towards your brother. While I had so much empathy for my ex, he had little for me or his elderly mother. I had had to make my way in life for decades with no family support, and I got on with it.
And although he has ASD, he openly admitted to manipulating his mother and aunt, and playing them off against each other.
Guys like this will only pay attention to male opinions, even if women are saying exactly the same as healthygamergg and Jordan Peterson. So perhaps we women should stop wringing our hands and get other, healthy men involved.

What’s going to happen to him when your mum dies? Is she going to leave him her house? Are they expecting you to step in and enable him as she does?

You sure it's true that men don't do as well in education?

Just "So perhaps we women should stop wringing our hands and get other, healthy men involved"

or just leave them to it. Don't fund them, don't enable them.

My partners younger brother is like this. In my eyes he seems so much younger than he actually is, which is 27. He is also a gamer with a very bad sleep pattern. He does work but can't seem to move onto the next stage of life.

I think it's a combination of being looked after too much at home by partners mother, mental health and the pressure on young men. He can afford the move out because he's able to pay huge amounts of money for gaming equipment upwards of 2 grand..

I agree. I can imagine it would be hard to kick your kid out but I think it’s the only way.

I see this a lot in my community nowadays but it’s a cultural thing from what I’ve seen. When the immigrant generation first arrived the men had no choice as they were to first to arrive so had to earn and build things to bring the women and kids over . As they have prospered, where there is a lot of gender bias, the riches are for the boys and the girls as expected to earn their keep and/or get married as the priority is keeping the boys in money, and therefore responsibility is thrust upon the girls earlier whether it’s housework, looking after siblings, generally having to behave themselves both at home and school. Meanwhile little is expected from the boys, they becomes lads of leisure as parents want their boys to stay close and giving them responsibilities means they will start moving out and living away from home, so they keep them dependent financially but letting them do what they like. Like I said this is my experience but I do wonder if this happens in different ways across cultures when men are allowed to slob around so they get used to it.

I think the roots are economic in that it has a "first world problem" feel and also conditions that only the Affluenza trope and the skewed economics that globalisation has resulted in would allow?

Yes, yes, yes.

We need to let them make mistakes, let them fail a little, and let them rebuild.

Life is often presented as a zero sum game now with catastrophic consequences if one step does not go well.

That is simply not true as everyone here knows.

Media do not help with the constant hype and disaster narative. Getting them OUT, away from the house, desk, sm etc has enormous value. Part time jobs or volunteer positions really help them too. Confronting the world and figuring it out.