Young men who get stuck doing nothing...

[Bunny890]

My younger brother is living at home with my parents and I know several other young men who also get 'stuck' at home - endlessly online, alienate friends, not able to even look for employment or engage with healthcare. I realise that there is a mental health element to this, but I can't help but feel frustrated - Mu

Yes, I think people underestimate how debilitating this is. If you are up all night every night, you really can't do much in the day.

These guys are typically in very bad physical shape as well, so certain kinds of work are off the table.

Place marking

Society has been feminised to encourage and promote women at the expense of boys.
Daily, boys are bombarded with misandrist demonisation of boys, boys are bad, they are rapist, they have male privilege, girls are encouraged and promoted over boys. it manifests itself with the appointment of girls, over more competent men. ie Liz Truss say no more. read the boy crisis, if you value your sons

I think my DD might have this. She tells me when she sees me she gets stressed cos I am a 'high' achiever, according to her, so it makes her feel inadequate. I am funding her living away from home (not her choice, circumstance), its £2.5k per month so not a small cost and it feels like I'll have to do it all my life, though I will retire one day.

She has worked, but she has health issues. She's yet to be diagnosed but neurodiversity and other complications. Where she is there are no benefits, but at least the healthcare is better than mainland UK so she is receiving medication, though even though she doesn't work she has to pay for meds...!

I never asked my parents for a penny deom 16yo even though I was still at school studying for my A levels cos I worked 11 hours a week. I left for uni at 18yo and never looked back. I helped them out many times during my adult life.

It frustrates the hell out of me. I want to take early retirement but with a whole normal salary being taken from my income every month I might as well forget it.

I feel for your mum OP. I think we've made it too easy to take tge easy option. But what do we do? Kick our kids out and leave them to die? 😱

They are too busy blaming women for excelling to get up and do something for themselves.

For the previous poster who asked what the helpful YouTube channel was, it's 'healthygamergg'. Seems to be a Harvard-educated psychiatrist who started the channel because he felt he could reach young gamers better via that method than via conventional psychiatric practice.

My uncle , very socially awkward, super intelligent but never worked more than a MW job his entire life, lived with his mother ( except for a short period where he spent weekends away) until she died at 101yo. He was in his 70's by then. He inherited the house and has never lived anywhere else. These types of men have been around for a while. It's just that they now have gaming to keep them busy. My uncle would read , or start pointless courses and hobbies but not finish them. He would also get very angry and make weird declarations - anti-semitic one day, then " don't you give me a christmas present I won't accept it" to endless conspiracy theories. To this day he has a TEN digit PIN on his debit card as apparently that makes it less likely your money will be stolen😯

Maybe having a pet might help. A lot of people with emotional problems show improvement when they have a dog or other animal to bond with.

Just a suggestion...

siblings ,specially the older one forgot who done things for them when they were the same age as their younger siblings now.It is easy to see now for them with a bit grown up eyes that the younger siblings still really on others but they did the same few years ago.Stop picking at your brother because you were not independent when you were his age.For some people it’s take longer to function on their own .The social norms force us to believe that we are all the same and should behave the same.The treatment of own children by some parents are appalling, making obvious to other children that their brother or sister is the favourite one .it must be so hard for teenagers to live in such families..The bigger siblings sometimes are so hard on the younger one .Bullies you know what I am talking abou

You’re right, babysitter. All the dictators, past and present, are women without fail. African warlords are women. Putin is a woman. The Taliban leaders are women. Democratically elected governments and cabinets around the world are just crammed to the brim with women. Maybe a male MP or two gets a look-in, on rare occasions. Boys around the world are forced out of education and jobs with threats of rape and death, and valued only as sperm-providers. Boys are kept in isolation 4-5 days a month, starved and suffering from chronic malnutrition because they’re considered impure when menstruating. It is women who commit the bulk of rapes. The female embryos aborted because male children are valued so highly in their societies, are not actually female. The female babies killed after birth because male children are so highly valued in their societies, aren’t female. FGM is practised on boys. Boys have their breasts ironed excruciatingly painfully with hot stones so they don’t attract unwanted attention from girls. The little girls as young as 5 sold to older men in “marriage”, are actually boys. I’m not even going into many other areas of society and culture, past and present.

OP you sound very bitter towards your brother, unfortunately that won't help the situation at all, in fact it will only make it worse.

I notice you mention your Mum a few times - what about Dad?

Your parents must take some responsibility for the situation. At some point your brother was a teen, a child and I'm guessing that he was given a game console and then NOT given boundaries for ir...

I have a 14 year old son, his xbox is not in his room, its downstairs in a communal room and I've always put rules in place about how long he games for before taking a break and he's never been allowed to play games that are PEGI rated above his age - not Fortnite til he was over 12 and definitely no COD, GTA (ever hopefully) unlike many of his peers who have consoles in bedrooms & are up till all hours.

I get so sick of 'oh well, what can you do' parenting - YOU'RE the parent! It's literally your job to parent and that includes setting boundaries and good examples.

Secondly, I suspect that your brother is possibly neurodivergent and almost certainly has unaddressed mental health needs and the more you threaten and bully him, the more he'll be backed into a corner.

You it seems, are not suffering as your brother is and as tough as it is, if you want the situation to be different, it's you that's going to have to change first.

You're going to have to try and see the world through your brothers eyes, understand how he feels and try and work in a different way.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar ... remember that.

Thinking about this overnight I remembered a comment on a different thread about how parents need to give kids a route out of behaving badly. I think as a wider society we need to try and leave people in these lifestyles routes out of it.

Obviously it's hard to deal with a lot of the behaviour or to be judgemental of it second hand. The problem is the more the person feels the judgement the more they are going to withdraw back into the lifestyle. No one wants to be around people that make them feel like an outsider even if unintentionally.

Not everyone is going to have working out of the situation as a realistic prospect. It used to be normal for people to continue to live with parents while working, these people were still regarded as respectable members of society. It's like the living with parents is becoming normal again but society can't stop judging these people.

Has your brother ever been assessed for autism?

Boys are educated by everything they see around them. As are girls. Role models for boys are frequently violent and male violence against women is so prevalent. Boys are 'expected' to be aggressive as a sign of their masculinity and their frustrations are expressed aggressively. Boys are also serviced by the women in their lives, those role models are still very active. He's at home becoming violent because he knows he can. Stop looking after him for a start, yes call the police - you would if he was a stranger. He has to grow up and no one can do that for him and he really does need to know he can't throw his weight around. He's in a difficult place but so is anyone in his orbit. Expect him to participate in the work of the household, hide his toys.

I have a brother like this, the youngest of 5. My parents were getting on a bit and basically didn't encourage him out of the house. When my sis was off school leaving age, of similar disposition, staying in her room all day, unwilling to interact with family, left school without any real ambition to work or study, my mum dragged her off to the local college to enrol her in further education.
Sis developed a life with social interaction and purpose.
But by the time bro was of school leaving age, mum was that much older and tired. Bro is 15 years younger than sis. Now both parents have passed, bro's basically a hermit, socially inept, living in a rental flat on benefits and a little side hustle to pass time. And he has a dispositon to violence when challenged. So sad.

My eldest son is like this - somewhat. He is ADHD and on the autistic spectrum, so social interaction is hard for him. Thankfully though, he is not into gaming only social media, which means he will come outside, as he can access that on his phone anywhere. The problem is we can't afford to support him any more, he needs to get a job but he very reluctant as he thinks he is crap at everything ! Also his CV shows he has no experience and no degree, as he failed that, so he can't go for jobs he is perfectly capable of as he has not got the qualifications. If your social skills are lacking it seems the world of work does not want you!

I think this is a point well worth exploring. Lots of comments on this thread conclude, without evidence, that it's because boys are indulged. But the very country where this all started is one that pushes boys and men very hard indeed.

In my experience people are more likely to get like this because they get overwhelmed by pressure. This is their way of opting out.

Exactly. This is a really different social phenomena then what is happening in the West.
Its not uncommon in Japan to have kids in school that don’t talk to ANYONE not even trusted adults. I find there’s at least a couple in every grade level. You just don’t see this in the West

To be honest, I think for every neckbearded unemployed gamer, there is an unemployed or underemployed young woman sitting in front of the television, filling in her time in an equally useless but more socially acceptable way.

Women who stay at home aren't nearly as stigmatised as men who do so, meaning they aren't regarded as a problem and are therefore ignored. It's anecdotal, but most of the stay-at-home-do-nothings I'm aware of are female.

Thinking about the phenomenon of getting 'stuck', I guess many of us have experienced that at some point when we allow action to be thwarted by fear.
When I was very young though, the desire for independence propelled me.

This

Women always have the only fans options though, even just sitting at home.

Lordy, do not get a pet for someone who is violent.

I applaud your bravery and parenting…genuinely happy to hear a good outcome to such a common problem in society!