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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad as a grandparent

53 replies

marvik · 23/10/2022 08:14

My daughter had her second baby a week ago it was not an easy birth at all but she was discharged from hospital and I messaged her saying I'd love a Zoom call before long as it would reassure me that she had survived! She lives some distance away and she had made it clear that visiting even after a few weeks - her husband was planning to be away then and we thought she might like some practical help - would be too soon. Her reply to the Zoom suggestion (made via WhatsApp) was that she didn't feel up to this but would get in touch. That was three days ago. There has been no recent or pas trouble in the sense of a quarrel etc. I just feel sad and also worried that she may be unwell

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 08:15

Phone her? Focus on her and how she’s doing.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/10/2022 08:17

Phone?
Card?
Send some support ie meal gift cards, nappies?
Text that focuses on her?

You sound very passive for a worried person.

MolliciousIntent · 23/10/2022 08:18

Zoom is PITA, why not just call her? Or if you're really worried call her DH?

alwaysfrazzled · 23/10/2022 08:18

When you say visit, do you mean stay with her for a while? I'm a new parent and I would hate this to be honest. I wouldn't mind a visit in the day to help and spend time with us but to stay over would be too much.
She's in her little bubble with her baby and that's what she wants. She will ask for help if she needs it, just keep offering so she knows she has the support.
If she's saying no to you visiting the baby after a few weeks and you aren't staying over then that's too much and unfair.
I hate zoom calls too, is this your normal way of communicating?
Give her some time to settle. Does she send pictures of baby?

teathyme · 23/10/2022 08:19

I'm not surprised you're feeling sad and worried. She has communicated with you so you know she's still 'alive' but sadly she has made it clear that she doesn't want contact at the moment. All you can do is reiterate you are on standby to give her any support she needs and wait. If you have her husband's number I'd be doing the same with him.
I'm sorry for you OP, this must be very hard.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 08:21

Agree with always frazzled maybe she is worried that you want to stay?

Newmum738 · 23/10/2022 08:22

Appreciate it's difficult for you as a grandparent but I had the same thing. We told my parents no visit until after 2 weeks but they came anyway. They stayed elsewhere but we're round a lot and not much help! I found myself out getting chips for everyone one night just a day after I'd come home from a lengthy stay in hospital. They were well meaning but not helpful. The following week might have been better because my husband was away. Thy were just obsessed with seeing the baby which I understand but there are several perspectives!

MintJulia · 23/10/2022 08:25

After I had ds I wanted to nest, just me and him. I didn't want anyone near me or him, I just needed to be left alone.

Her hormones are dictating her behaviour, she is doing what she needs to do, and that is how it should be. Give her some time, don't hassle her, I'm sure she will call when the time is right. She knows you are there.

40andfit · 23/10/2022 08:26

Your message is all about what you want. Your daughter will be exhausted, trying to establish feeding and dealing with another child who’s world has turned upside down. Send her a message saying you know things are tough but you are sure she is doing an amazing job and your sending your love. She has more than enough demands on her so don’t add to them.

PorridgewithQuark · 23/10/2022 08:27

There must be a back story to this - no quarrel you say, but what happened when her first baby was born? Did you swoop in and hog the baby (well intentioned to let her get some rest/ "get on" with household stuff perhaps, but absolutely not what a lot of new mothers want or need)? Were you critical or smothering in the advice you offered? Or could she have felt you were?

My mother came to stay when my second was born and I almost had to wrestle my baby back off her. It wasn't a couple of hours, it was several weeks and not having my newborn in my arms/ my wrap sling next to my body where he'd been while I looked after his toddler sister for the previous two weeks felt like having to go without one of my legs - it was so upsetting to be physically separate from him but my mother refused to hear that I didn't have a baby to hand it over to her and "get on" with the housework ahe thought I should be doing "while you have me here to hold the baby". It didn't help that I was a week post caesarean and exclusively breast feeding but having to insist and almost wrestle with her to get my newborn baby back even to feed.

I never forgave her really, and only invited her to meet my third when he was several weeks old and was clear there wasn't room for her to stay.

I tried to talk to her when she stayed after my second was born but she just refused to hear what I was saying, until I got really angry and she cried a lot then "forgave" me, and refused to acknowledge what I was angry about 🤔. To this day she tells everyone how much she helped me after my second was born and how I wouldn't have coped without her, which I must admit is hard to let slide ...

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/10/2022 08:29

40andfit · 23/10/2022 08:26

Your message is all about what you want. Your daughter will be exhausted, trying to establish feeding and dealing with another child who’s world has turned upside down. Send her a message saying you know things are tough but you are sure she is doing an amazing job and your sending your love. She has more than enough demands on her so don’t add to them.

That's unfair, the OP has clearly stated she is concerned about her daughter. It's not as if she's demanding to see the baby.

gogohmm · 23/10/2022 08:33

Phone her. Also is there any chance it's her husband that doesn't want you around, I find it odd she wouldn't want help from her mother unless there's a back story

outtheshowernow · 23/10/2022 08:37

Phone and offer to take the first child out for the day. That would be a lot of help. If she doesn't answer call her husband. Looking back I didn't want my mum round when I had my babies because she would just sit on the sofa and be no help. If she had taken baby for walk or done something practical to actually help I would have been very grateful but having visitors is just a burden unless they help you. Sounds harsh but it's true

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2022 08:40

Are you sad as a grandparent, or as a mother?

Have you called her?

What’s the frequency of contact usually like between you?

There’s lots of other questions I could ask!

ashapushapush · 23/10/2022 08:41

marvik · 23/10/2022 08:14

My daughter had her second baby a week ago it was not an easy birth at all but she was discharged from hospital and I messaged her saying I'd love a Zoom call before long as it would reassure me that she had survived! She lives some distance away and she had made it clear that visiting even after a few weeks - her husband was planning to be away then and we thought she might like some practical help - would be too soon. Her reply to the Zoom suggestion (made via WhatsApp) was that she didn't feel up to this but would get in touch. That was three days ago. There has been no recent or pas trouble in the sense of a quarrel etc. I just feel sad and also worried that she may be unwell

A Zoom call? Why? That’s for you, not her. Just message her something supportive, send a delivery of nice ready meals from Cook. I wouldn’t even answer the phone after having my babies, I was too tired and I didn’t want the intrusion. Text her. She can read and respond in her own time. Respect her boundaries.

Anon84 · 23/10/2022 08:44

My baby is 7 weeks and I had a friend ask to visit after 2 days. I said no because I was enjoying the newborn bubble so much, I just didn’t want it to end. I was so happy all day just cuddling my baby on the sofa watching daytime tv. I also wouldn’t of fancied a zoom call but then I don’t like zoom at the best of times.
as other people have suggested why not send a gift along with a card saying how you can’t wait to meet your new grandchild. I was sent an afternoon tea through the post that was a lovely treat.
i think give your daughter 10 days & ask to visit again? she should be more settled & baby blues passed then.

Offandonagain · 23/10/2022 08:47

Do you live close by?

RaininSummer · 23/10/2022 08:49

Just text her as above. Also I don't think offering to hold babies so new mum's can do housework is the right way round at all. A visiting person who did housework and cooked nice food and kept out if the way a lot would be useful and welcome no doubt.

Jjones8 · 23/10/2022 08:53

I can quite imagine not wanting a zoom call just after giving birth. She’ll be exhausted, sore and very busy with the baby. Speak on the phone and/or chat by text. Offer to come and bring food / cook / clean / bring own bed linen etc or stay elsewhere and pop in for short visits.

waterwitch · 23/10/2022 08:55

Reiterating what others have said, I didn’t want anyone with me when I has my first. When I had my second, one set of grandparents were brilliant. They took my toddler to the park for half an hour, then come back and made a meal. They stayed in a travel Inn nearby and weren’t there the whole time. The others just wanted photos with the baby, and expected to be waited on.
If my kids have children, I hope I remember that it’s the grandparents who are most helpful and supportive who get the best grandchild time!

BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 08:55

Jjones8 · 23/10/2022 08:53

I can quite imagine not wanting a zoom call just after giving birth. She’ll be exhausted, sore and very busy with the baby. Speak on the phone and/or chat by text. Offer to come and bring food / cook / clean / bring own bed linen etc or stay elsewhere and pop in for short visits.

This ^ with bells on. I had a traumatic birth and if my mum text me as soon as I arrived home from hospital looking for a zoom call I don't think I would have been as polite as your daughter.

She has set a boundary, respect it. Phone her if you're worried but you and soothing your worries are not her priority now.

40andfit · 23/10/2022 08:59

WeAreTheHeroes · 23/10/2022 08:29

That's unfair, the OP has clearly stated she is concerned about her daughter. It's not as if she's demanding to see the baby.

Show quote history

I’m just trying to get her to see if from her DD’s point of view and give some
advice about to improve this situation.

SallyWD · 23/10/2022 09:04

I'd give her a ring. I personally hate video calls with a passion and wouldn't have wanted yo do it one week postpartum when I was a complete mess! I'm sure things will settle down and you'll get to meet your grandchild soon.jiat let the dust settle. As long as you have a good relationship I can see no reason why she'd exclude you for long. If you keep requesting her attention, video calls etc I can imagine it annoying her.

Original poster
marvik · 23/10/2022 09:12

Zoom has been my daughter's chosen way to communicate. This may partly be because her first baby was born in lockdown and it was a way of us being 'together'. We'd read stories to our first grandchild. There have been semi-regular weekend Zoom calls every since then, so it was - as much as anything - a way of saying it will be good when we can do this again.

She lives 3- 4 hours drive away.

Obviously we are concerned about my daughter - not just the new baby. I think it is tricky when someone who has been through a difficult birth is saying both indirectly and directly, 'I don't want to see you,' because there is a feeling that one may make things worse by not respecting their wishes.

It is more that there have been quite mixed messages. There's been the pattern of Zoom calls and various conversations about how much she wants us to be involved - for the baby/babies - to really get to know us. At one point she was encouraging us to move to the town where she lives. And then, at other points, there is more a sense of us as really not being useful/wanted.

So it's hard to get my head round - and hard to know what , in the longer term, to do for the best.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 23/10/2022 09:19

marvik · 23/10/2022 09:12

Zoom has been my daughter's chosen way to communicate. This may partly be because her first baby was born in lockdown and it was a way of us being 'together'. We'd read stories to our first grandchild. There have been semi-regular weekend Zoom calls every since then, so it was - as much as anything - a way of saying it will be good when we can do this again.

She lives 3- 4 hours drive away.

Obviously we are concerned about my daughter - not just the new baby. I think it is tricky when someone who has been through a difficult birth is saying both indirectly and directly, 'I don't want to see you,' because there is a feeling that one may make things worse by not respecting their wishes.

It is more that there have been quite mixed messages. There's been the pattern of Zoom calls and various conversations about how much she wants us to be involved - for the baby/babies - to really get to know us. At one point she was encouraging us to move to the town where she lives. And then, at other points, there is more a sense of us as really not being useful/wanted.

So it's hard to get my head round - and hard to know what , in the longer term, to do for the best.

Zoom has been fine in the past - but she understandably does not want to do it or be asked to do it when she's just in the door after a difficult birth. Just have some patience with her. You're putting an awful lot of feelings and past history on a woman who has just been through a lot. She's not just your daughter, she's a mum to two small babies and a woman who needs time patience and understanding. Not demands for a zoom call.