To feel sad as a grandparent

[marvik]

My daughter had her second baby a week ago it was not an easy birth at all but she was discharged from hospital and I messaged her saying I'd love a Zoom call before long as it would reassure me that she had survived! She lives some distance away and she had made it clear that visiting even after a few weeks - her husband was planning to be away then and we thought she might like some practical help - would be too soon. Her reply to the Zoom suggestion (made via WhatsApp) was that she didn't feel up to this but would get in touch. That was three days ago. There has been no recent or pas trouble in the sense of a quarrel etc. I just feel sad and also worried that she may be unwell

I had no idea, until my own DD gave birth, how scary it is for the mother of the labouring new mum. I genuinely didn't expect to be anything other than excited, but I was really really anxious throughout her labour, and basically pacing the room.

My second grandchild is due in three weeks and as DD had a really bad time lat time, I'm really concerned again.

Luckily I'm unlikely to be in OP's position as DD lives reasonably locally and is very communicative (and I might well be looking after my DGD), but if I wasn't able to talk to her and be reassured she's okay, I'd find that really hard.

When I was a new mum that wouldn't have occurred to me, I'll admit. But I would ask new mums to remember that their own mum's maternal instincts will be in overdrive too.

Well you’ve had a lot of advice so why not take some of it? Text, send flowers/food, don’t demand anything. Offer to come in a few of weeks, stay in a hotel and take older child to the playground and cook dinner for the family. Don’t impose. If she is struggling you can’t force her to talk to you or to seek help. You can just be there for her, in a way that doesn’t stress her out.

Nope, new mums shouldn’t have to consider how their own mothers feel. Manage your own emotions.

Good god the entitlement.

When I had my son I was hospital for a week, then had depression for weeks after that. I didn't want visitors or zoom calls (this was during lockdown) as soon as I was out of hospital. I'm the kind of person that needs space and time after a baby and maybe your daughter is the same. After a few weeks things level out again once you're in a routine. It's hard but please respect her wishes, as it's not about what you want. You sound lovely and caring btw but I find any pressure like this overbearing.

YANBU, in our family, mum and sisters are often at the hospital so a call a week after the birth seems reasonable from an outsider’s perspective. But you say she has had a difficult birth so she needs time.

Hopefully your dd settles in and makes a good recovery from a difficult birth and her partner is giving her all the support she needs.

I would find a hotel/bnb nearby and book for a few nights. Then offer to pop round for a few hours, take older child out for a day etc etc. You sound quite separate since Covid, so you need to initiate something here without imposing or adding extra work to your daughter. Take some action OP.

Absolutely @ashapushapush! So not only should the new mum be stressed about new baby, any previous children, be physically recovering from pushing or having a human surgically removed from their body, they also need to consider how hard and emotional this is for their mother?? Beggars belief!!

I messaged her saying I'd love a Zoom call before long as it would reassure me that she had survived! Urgh. I am sorry. But this is kind of passive agressive and dramatic.

Do you often use language like "to know that you are alive", strange way of asking a new Mum for contact. Are your comments often barbed, passive aggressive? I kept my Mum at arms length whenever I felt a bit vulnerable because I couldn't be bothered with her comments and the way she put things. I'd think about how you put things. I'm very conscious around my adult daughter, how I put things because she has a level of anxiety and can overthink. That's on top of just not needing anything to think about except getting through the early months and recovering from birth.

In other words, ask yourself how helpful and necessary what you are about to say is.

Just leave her alone!

It's the fact that I can remember only too vividly what it's like to push out a baby (and in one occasion have an emergency CS when it was thought we might lose the baby) that leads to me worrying for my daughter.

Nowhere have I said that annoying should impose with visits or constant calls. I absolutely waited for my DD to be ready for visited etc. But just one call (of the type that the OP's daughter prefers) doesn't seem OTT.

When I first saw my MIL after I gave birth, she said "oh I'm so relieved to see you both and that you're well. I was SO worried!" And she genuinely was. It was like all the tension in her body was released. I was very touched and gave her a big hug, but didn't quite understand. But that moment came back to me when it was my turn.

Annoying= anyone

I would have a think about how you are phrasing things, and how your daughter might be thinking the visit would go.

I fully understand how you feel because I desperately wanted to be near my daughter when she gave birth, ie in the same town, simply because if she needed me or needed anything I wanted to be near enough to be there for her.
I flew over and visited and stayed (staying was a necessity due to where she lives, plus she wanted me to be there), and did all the housework and laundry so she could sit and be with her baby.

It was still wrong, she told me afterwards it would have been better if I wasn't there, as her and her husband didn't get a chance to be fully alone with the baby for two weeks. So sometimes we just can't win.

Zoom is difficult because you have to plan and book the call, it's a bit formal like that, and it comes with an expectation of a certain period of time on the call. You can't plan anything with a new baby. Just tell her that of she gets a free moment a WhatsApp video call for a quick few moments and a peek at the baby would be lovely but you'll leave it to her.
If you get to visit, offer to take older GC out, do housework / shopping for her etc. In other words offer to do the other things that need to be done so she can sit with her new baby.

Don't ask to call for a sign of life, you might have a dark sense of humour in how you phrase things but she will be feeling ULTRA sensitive and it will just sound to her like you were expecting her to die or that you are making it about your fears.

I'm a mum of 4 and not yet a grandparent but the lack of empathy for a worried mum is astounding.

I love my children, take care of them and are worried now they are flying the nest. I want them to stretch their wings and find their own way but it's hard for me. Of course you will be worried about your child and want to see her and I don't see that as a sense of entitlement at all.

My mum (and MIL) were very helpful after the birth of my babies and now have such a special relationship with both. Cutting them out so you can be a 'new' family is incredibly harsh.

Of course they should be helpful and not causing you more work but I don't think a zoom call is much to ask for. It could be that she's a bit depressed especially after a tough birth. Keep trying OP.

My daughter is an older teen with a steady, serious boyfriend and I nearly died when she was born, so I'm incredibly aware that if she ever has a biological child I'll be extremely worried about her (far more worried about her than excited - despite being nearly 50 I'm very happy to wait a decade or longer to be a grandmother and wouldn't mind at all if my children decide not to have biological children as long as it's choice not something that makes them unhappy obviously)!

I also know that my children are not and will never be responsible for my emotions, and that it's utterly crap parenting to put the burden of your parental wants and worries and negative emotions onto your children, even when they're adults. An adult offspring in a vulnerable phase (and 99% of women are more vulnerable that usually during pregnancy and postnatally) is in no way responsible for reassuring and pandering to her parents.

I wish someone had spelled that out to me when my mother wanted to come and stay after my second was born - instead my father emotionally blackmailed me saying that my mother "would be heartbroken" if I didn't ask her to "help" (I knew she'd be no actual help as she's the sort of person who likes to "delegate" (i.e. tell others what to do) and "advise" and not to do anything practical, but I didn't realise quite how bad it would be...

As a Grandma, I'd say just give it some time. Send flowers, vouchers for takeaway, voucher for cleaning service.
Just lightly keep in touch through text and she'll let you know when she's ready.
There will be plenty of
time with the grandchildren.

Please be kind to yourself too. You have a brand new family member that you love and want to see and are being prevented from doing so. You also care about your unwell daughter and want to help but your hands are tied. This is HARD. It's not a case of sucking it up, those feelings are real and they hurt.

I would have a think about how you are phrasing things

Christ almighty! Why does this worried mother have to practically have to walk on eggshells just to check in on her own daughter and the new baby's welfare? Accused of being entitled and passive aggressive! Simply disgusting

A difficult one…

I voted YABU because whilst I think you’re right to be worried (she’s recovering from labour, possible baby blues, feeling overwhelmed etc…) I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to travel to you to receive any help and to ‘face time’ you when she’s probably dog tired and thinking of other things.

I had a baby in March this year and my parents and PIL bought over dinner, practical gifts to make life a little easier, nappies (the right size as baby was very little)!! Their support was invaluable to me. They made all the effort because I was a new mum, wearing clothes that had been sicked up on and hair I hadn’t washed in days. Their visits meant I could shower, whilst not leaving my baby cocoon. Couldn’t have been more thankful for their support at that time!

my honest feelings are that you may be expecting a little too much from your daughter, and she may be avoiding you because she expected a little more from you perhaps!?

hope she’s ok x

Just re read the OP. I initially thought you were asking her to come to you. I’m still not clear, but if you’re asking if you can visit ‘after a few weeks’ and she’s say no to you visiting, then I’d be more concerned. In that instance I’d make it clear you were willing to stay local but not put on her to host, maybe stay in air bnb for a couple of days but be on hand for any help needed.

I wouldn’t have wanted people staying, would have been too much! for context my dad lives three hours away and he visited every Wednesday for a few hours to give me a hand! That was very nice and much appreciated support.

Some of the comments on here. Jeez. Give her a few days. Just keep on checking in on her

I know others have disagreed with you but I completely agree.

I remember in NCT classes this was raised with the husbands/partners. In the context of birth announcements...for them to remember that if it's them calling to say that baby has arrived, the mum's parents first concern is going to be for their own daughter and how she is. I think this is such simple but sound advice.

I’m thinking that message does sound passive aggressive and a bit me, me, me.
I almost died when I had an emergency c-section with a complete placental abruption with my first DD who was stillborn.
My mother and two of my siblings flew over to be with me when I was in a coma.
I understand that they were worried/terrified so although I was extremely ill and wanted to be alone I did my best to care for them (yes, that’s how I felt I had to be), though my sisters were great.
When I had my second DD I was 42, my DD had profound disabilities discovered antenatally and I had a GA with the c-section.
I didn’t come around til 3 hours after surgery, my DH was with my DD and I wasn’t able to see her for 4 hours after her birth as she was in ICU.
I called my mum as soon as I’d seen DD. My DH had told everyone I was alive etc.
My mum was very aggro with me because she’d had a horrible day waiting for news: although she knew I was still alive and add was alive two hours before I did.
I know this is a very different situation but I really really was hurt by her response. I tried to understand but I just felt that I was being burdened with looking after everyone else instead of my DD and me.
Id just say he careful about the remarks about being by alive, worrying about her etc.
Its not necessary to tell people when you are worried about them btw - that comes across as shifting the burden onto people who will then reassure the person with anxiety.
She could be experiencing PND, severe pain etc.
Id use a gently gently approach

Could you visit but stay in a hotel or air bnb nearby? Then visit her (only if she's on board of course) and make sure you actually help her not focus on baby?

Do many new GPS get it so wrong when babies arrive - like PPs have said. Making it about them, expecting to be waited on, hogging baby and upsetting new mother.

My FIL came to stay after DS was born (sadly both DMs have died years ago). I was really concerned because of space and feeling like he was intruding but it was brilliant. He cooked, he cleaned, he shopped, he hung up laundry and made cups of tea for us and any visitors, he made sure to step out / away if I needed to feed without being awkward, he held baby in short bursts and never made demands, he offered advice only very gently and when we seemed to want it (eg to poor DP at 3am in kitchen about 5 days in who was cracking up with screaming baby while playing white noise, swaddling, shushing, swaying... that was the time to help and he did).

Consequently, he's always welcome and is invited for two weeks when DC2 arrives in the new year. I wrote him a long letter of thanks and always remind DP to call his dad.