EX has stopped child support, should I stop X-MIL from seeing child?

[Lfp]

I realise the title does indeed make me look totally unreasonable - but, bare with me.

A bit of history;

XH and DD (10) have not had contact for a year. He and his GF are abusive towards her. We are secretly in the process of full custody agreement.

divorce was 5 years ago and because of the same abusive/unreasonable behaviour.

XH and I had a agreement regarding child support for the last 5 years via a direct debit.

I have a DS too with my current fiancé &
work late evenings in a bar as that fits us best .

A couple of months ago, XH came into my place of work with GF and a friend of theirs for a drink, they peered through the glass to check I was there first - They do this every now and again, usually around an ‘event’. This particular time it was DD’s birthday, two days later.

GF also has a chequered history with another employee so they makes us both uncomfortable. As I was in charge of the shift, I politely told their friend “I’m sorry but you’re presence in here makes the staff uncomfortable myself included and nobody is willing to serve you - there’s plenty of other bars & I think you’d be better suited elsewhere” a minute later there was a lot of screaming and slagging off DD but, I didn’t react and they left.

XH has since tried to get me fired and has told a different version of events to the locals of the bar he knows.

Being refused service (and now subsequently barred) had damaged his pride massively so, he stopped child support payments as a FU. I know it has been cancelled because it usually goes in on the 13th of the month like clockwork, as he knows I have an irritation hatred of that number!

Now my XH is not a typical ‘deadbeat’ he has a successful business and several properties including a successful airbnb.

When we were together he earned over 90K a year and since our divorce his portfolio has continued to grow. Not that it matters, but FYI, I walked away from that marriage with enough for a down payment for a flat and nothing else, as I just wanted to escape. So his business, the family home and other assets stayed with him.

This is where X-MIL comes into it.

She is an accountant.

She fudges his books and puts all the properties and assets in her or her husbands name. They also hid a LOT during our divorce (which can even be seen via companies house!) not that I fought for them anyway. His filings show he claims to earn between 9-12K a year and all his other properties are out of his name. So when it comes to claiming maintenance payments through CSA it looks like - after expenses, he earns nothing and daughter won’t get the money she’s entitled too. fiancé, kids and I now live in a lovely house and do ok but we use the money for her hobbies: guitar lessons, rock climbing etc and anything extra needed.

X-MIL is his enabler. He is smart and crafty and he gets away with everything. I’ve reported his fraud several times but, they know all the loopholes.

X-MIL still has a relationship with DD on her terms, she’ll randomly text “can I see her on Sunday?” And then take her out for tea.

She’s text today asking for Friday or Sunday this week as it’s half term and I feel like I want to say no. DD isn’t too fussed either way and I feel like I want to set a boundary:
her son reinstates the maintenance payments or no, she can’t have access. She is the 2nd biggest factor as to why we can’t claim what she should be entitled too and there should be some blame consequences.

Maybe I’m just being petty? but, I’m tired of fighting this behaviour or been abused at work/school, having untrue rumours circulating. Im sick of been the bigger person and taking injustice on the chin.

DD isn’t a pawn I know but, I don’t know what else to say or do?

I think you're being unreasonable. Children aren't pay-per-view and I wouldn't stop her seeing her grandchild because of a dispute about CMS. Your child may well benefit from some sort of connection with her paternal family as she gets older.

They absolutely are. The OP would lose her child if she didn't pay for her. The mil is helping to take money away from this girl. She does not have her best interests at heart.

OP you'd be unreasonable to evr let her near your dd again. Don't use her as leverage for child support. Just go back to CMS. Don't let this woman near your kid.

I would stop contact for ExH and his family and get on with life if your DD isnt bothered about seeing them. They don't deserve to be a part of her life if they don't want to support her financially and the DM is making it possible for Ex to dodge the payments he should be making to his DD.

I know another man and his mother who did this. I can't imagine helping my son to take the food out of his children's mouth. I'd have nothing to do with him myself and even further probably feel obligated to pay something for the child's upkeep myself if I could. The least my husband and I could do for unleashing something so useless on to the world

And in all of this it sounds as if mil has tried to consistently have a relationship with dd. She has asked to see her and suggested two different days, and given some notice. You don't mention anything she has done wrong other than be a good accountant (because you reported fraud and it wasn't, it can't be, no matter what you think).

So personally I would be killing her with kindness. Showing myself to be reasonable, showing myself to have DD's best interests at heart and knowing that all of this might make her exert some positive influence over your awful ex and ultimately make things better for dd.

No no no no no.
This is the mother of the man who OP is secretly attempting to gain full contact from. She is actively conspiring to deprive her GD, & leaving her in DD's life is just leaving ex-H a lever which he will use to pry his way back into OP's life.

She's hardly going to change the engrained habit of enabling her son because OP tries to kill her with kindness. She's happily committing fraud for him FFS.

YABU to link money to contact as the Courts are not interested in that, and that will go against you if you bring it up in Court.

However YANBU to either not reply at all, or to reply and say to ex-MIL she can see your DD in her father's time then ignore every message from her going forward.

OP has already reported them. It seems it came to nothing. I suspect they are avoiding tax legally, as many businesses and accountants sim to do.

"She's hardly going to change the engrained habit of enabling her son because OP tries to kill her with kindness. She's happily committing fraud for him FFS."

Don't be silly. There was no fraud. Does she even know he didn't pay maintenance on 13/10?

It is ok to disagree you know. People handle things differently. No need to be so worked up about something you know nothing about really.

I know exactly what OP has told us all - that MiL is actively cooking her son's books @donttellmehesalive. You appear to have missed that info so here it is:

She fudges his books and puts all the properties and assets in her or her husbands name. They also hid a LOT during our divorce (which can even be seen via companies house!) not that I fought for them anyway. His filings show he claims to earn between 9-12K a year and all his other properties are out of his name. So when it comes to claiming maintenance payments through CSA it looks like - after expenses, he earns nothing and daughter won’t get the money she’s entitled too.

That's got nothing to do with him withholding the last maintenance payment so I'm not sure why you are conflating MiL's fraudulent accounting with his petty revenge.

The MIL is on the side of her son, and that son and his GF are abusive to your daughter.

In my world, she’d never see her again. And she has no rights to. So that can be your big ‘FU’ to her.

I agree with this. Partly because I wouldn’t be sending DD to spend time with an abusive father, his abusive GF or the MIL who is enabling this behaviour (and helping his fleece HMRC). But also because children are not ‘pay per view’ and there’s no merit in getting into a debate with her about maintenance.

Presumably if your DD chooses to stop seeing her father then MIL is likely to engineer time with him when she takes DD out.

Mostly, I’d go straight to CMS anyway and report him and his mother to HMRC.

I think you're being unreasonable. Children aren't pay-per-view and I wouldn't stop her seeing her grandchild because of a dispute about CMS

On the other hand, it’s not up to OP to facilitate contact for the in laws.

I think I’d send a message back saying her son is the one to sort out contact, not you. Then block her. Nasty and duplicitous, I hope you get full custody. What sort of a shit behaves like this to their own child?!

It's literally so he can legally pay the bare minimum of child maintenance. It's not relevant to this one last time. It's relevant to every time.

"That's got nothing to do with him withholding the last maintenance payment so I'm not sure why you are conflating MiL's fraudulent accounting with his petty revenge."

OP also says she reported them and it came to nothing, so I have naturally assumed that op was wrong about them cooking the books.

Separately, I wondered whether mil knew about the missed payment because, if she did, that would indeed be a black mark if she didn't attempt to encourage him to pay.

This

Or this.

DD isn’t a pawn I know

Well she will be if she is used as one.

Every parent who employed their children in chess moves felt they had entirely justified reasons. Those parents are not monstrous others. They are usually “up to now” plenty good enough parents, who love their kids, can see the utility of lowering their standards just this one time, can’t see the harm. And end up plonking their kids on the martial breakdown chessboard through one-off impulses, rationalisations or both.

It is in your child’s interests not be put on that chessboard, by at least one of her parents. It can be very hard to predict how hard it is to resist using her for another move. Particularly if the first time proved successful. It is also hard to predict what the unintended consequences will be for her.

Don’t put her on the board. Because once she is on there, the ability to bring her off again may have slipped completely out of your conscious control.

You should have read it all.

Obviously you can do as you choose, she is your daughter but in all honesty, if you are trying to get full custody it won’t look good.

When the courts decide who a child is better off living with, one of the considerations they make is who will promote family relationships for the child. If you ex hasn’t been physically or emotionally abusive and his mum attempts to maintain a relationship, it really is not going to look good on your part.

What it will look like is: Ex stopped paying so you stopped contact with him and grandparent (whether this is the case or not).

• please

Don't even respond. Block her on your phone. You are under zero obligation to facilitate a relationship with that harpie.

I'd report her to her professional body, too, but that's just me.

I was prepared to say YABU but actually as she enables his shitty financial abuse I'm not minded to give her any access to what her shitty son can't be bothered to pay for. Maybe this way she'll lean on him to pay what he owes. And if she doesn't, then she chooses money over her DGD and then you don't really want DD associating with her anyway.

You are being unfair on your daughter. At her age, she’s too young to fully understand the implications of having - or not having a relationships - with her paternal grandparents. I’d be clear that if her grandmother is safe and not harmful to your DD’s emotional well-being, then this is a relationship to be facilitated. It’s for your child’s sake though.

If you're halfway through some legal strategy to end any contact arrangements with your xh, it might be worth being mindful of that when formulating your response to his mum. Don't mix up the issue of contact with maintenance payments - you want your actions to appear reasonable to any court - remember that your DD's wishes and wellbeing should come first - eg "Sorry, she's already made plans with her friends for those dates"