EX has stopped child support, should I stop X-MIL from seeing child?

[Lfp]

I realise the title does indeed make me look totally unreasonable - but, bare with me.

A bit of history;

XH and DD (10) have not had contact for a year. He and his GF are abusive towards her. We are secretly in the process of full custody agreement.

divorce was 5 years ago and because of the same abusive/unreasonable behaviour.

XH and I had a agreement regarding child support for the last 5 years via a direct debit.

I have a DS too with my current fiancé &
work late evenings in a bar as that fits us best .

A couple of months ago, XH came into my place of work with GF and a friend of theirs for a drink, they peered through the glass to check I was there first - They do this every now and again, usually around an ‘event’. This particular time it was DD’s birthday, two days later.

GF also has a chequered history with another employee so they makes us both uncomfortable. As I was in charge of the shift, I politely told their friend “I’m sorry but you’re presence in here makes the staff uncomfortable myself included and nobody is willing to serve you - there’s plenty of other bars & I think you’d be better suited elsewhere” a minute later there was a lot of screaming and slagging off DD but, I didn’t react and they left.

XH has since tried to get me fired and has told a different version of events to the locals of the bar he knows.

Being refused service (and now subsequently barred) had damaged his pride massively so, he stopped child support payments as a FU. I know it has been cancelled because it usually goes in on the 13th of the month like clockwork, as he knows I have an irritation hatred of that number!

Now my XH is not a typical ‘deadbeat’ he has a successful business and several properties including a successful airbnb.

When we were together he earned over 90K a year and since our divorce his portfolio has continued to grow. Not that it matters, but FYI, I walked away from that marriage with enough for a down payment for a flat and nothing else, as I just wanted to escape. So his business, the family home and other assets stayed with him.

This is where X-MIL comes into it.

She is an accountant.

She fudges his books and puts all the properties and assets in her or her husbands name. They also hid a LOT during our divorce (which can even be seen via companies house!) not that I fought for them anyway. His filings show he claims to earn between 9-12K a year and all his other properties are out of his name. So when it comes to claiming maintenance payments through CSA it looks like - after expenses, he earns nothing and daughter won’t get the money she’s entitled too. fiancé, kids and I now live in a lovely house and do ok but we use the money for her hobbies: guitar lessons, rock climbing etc and anything extra needed.

X-MIL is his enabler. He is smart and crafty and he gets away with everything. I’ve reported his fraud several times but, they know all the loopholes.

X-MIL still has a relationship with DD on her terms, she’ll randomly text “can I see her on Sunday?” And then take her out for tea.

She’s text today asking for Friday or Sunday this week as it’s half term and I feel like I want to say no. DD isn’t too fussed either way and I feel like I want to set a boundary:
her son reinstates the maintenance payments or no, she can’t have access. She is the 2nd biggest factor as to why we can’t claim what she should be entitled too and there should be some blame consequences.

Maybe I’m just being petty? but, I’m tired of fighting this behaviour or been abused at work/school, having untrue rumours circulating. Im sick of been the bigger person and taking injustice on the chin.

DD isn’t a pawn I know but, I don’t know what else to say or do?

YANBU !!!!

I agree to just tell her that she can see your DD during your ex's contact time. If that contact time is zero because he's abusive, then she can take that up with her delightful son.

I would go with your DD’s wishes and tell ex mil that her grandchild isn’t fussed about seeing her. I wouldn’t care if she was upset by this as she is enabling your ex to financially abuse his daughter.

Using your DD as a bargaining tool is a dangerous game.

Besides, what if she 'caves' when you tell her, stops enabling her son and your DD ends up not wanting to see her anyway?

Your ex-MIL is actively conspiring to defraud her grandchild, so no she can’t sooth her own guilt by taking DD out for cake when she feels like it. Tell her she can’t see DD again, ever, unless she stops defrauding DD. The child maintenance belongs to DD.
Please explain clearly to this moron that her grandchild is being treated appallingly by her son, and she is complicit in this.

I've been there and done it.

Let your daughter decide if she wants to see her grandmother and let your ex MIL know that you'll ask your daughter and let her know.

I'm a firm believer that no one has a right to kids but kids have the right to their family.

What your ex and his mother are doing is to get at you not caring or understanding that it also affects your daughter. Your daughter will see it for what it is eventually and until then gas her needs met by you.

Don't put yourself in a position where you have to explain to her one day that she didn't see her because of money.

@SnackSizeRaisin
Oh yes, I was totally focused on the ex MIL. It’s certainly not the OP’s job to facilitate contact with the her.

It doesn’t sound as if the OP has full custody yet though.

Sorry! I couldn’t read all that. You and your DC’s father have split up. Would it be in your DC’s best interest to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents? IMO I say it would ( for the benefit of your DC, Their grandparents and yourself). You decide. It’s only you who know how constructive/destructive a child’s relationship with his/her GP’s can be.

You split with the father of your DC. That’s not, necessarily, his parents fault. You need to weigh up the situation. Either your DC’s paternal GP are happy and willing to have weekly/fortnightly/monthly contact with their DGC or they’re not. There’s no point in pursuing a relationship if they’re not interested.

You spitefully refused them service because you could so I can see that you are playing the game as well. 🤷‍♀️
Whenever a parent is so petty and posts a looooong list of complaints ending with a "dc isn't fussed" or "dc doesn't really want to go" it just makes me 🙄
With this much angst, there is NO way the child doesn't feel it and there is NO way they don't react according to how they know the (usually) mother feels. Your dd certainly isn't going to show any desire to see them to you 🤷‍♀️

If you want to use your child that way, go ahead. Plenty of people are encouraging you to do so. But know that you ARE using her for your own reasons.

They often don't see it as taking money from the child, they usually frame it in the mother being grabby and taking the exh hard earned cash.

They also use the “Royal We” to totally disregard any history the mother of the child had with the utter scum they gave birth to because the Apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I'd give you daughter the choice, then accept or declined her invitation based on that. Don't even mention the maintenance issue. I'd actually decline the paultry amount he much be paying on 9-12k declared earnings if I could manage without it, rather than be beholden to him on anyway.

I think it would be wrong and petty to deny your DD a relationship with her grandparents just because you've got a grudge.

And yes, you have every right to have a grudge but don't use your kid as a pawn.

I can't believe you banned your XH and his GF from a pub you work in, just because you don't like him... no wonder he kicked off! If they come in, why would you not smile and say how are you? You are feeding the bear by reacting to a perceived slight.

I'm not saying you are as bad as him but you clearly do give as good as you get and threatening to withhold contact is just another tool in the box.

And your DD saying she's not bothered is just her trying to protect your feelings because she knows you're pissed off and angry.

But looks like I'm in the minority here.

Exactly this! She is actively participating in an act which she knows will directly impact on the financial support DD receives so indirectly she is taking the money straight out of her hand before it even gets there - I'd be questioning how much of a caring grandparent would do that regardless of who's mum it is.....also DD not bothered then that's the way to go. My DD at 10/11 was very vocal and her own thoughts on estranged family who she did and didn't want contact with. Really sorry for any parent who finds themselves in this battle - financial support for a child you co-created should never be questioned or withheld :(

I think this is untrue. In theory Ex-DH could do this but not MIL she has no parental responsibility. I'm not a lawyer though.

It's a bit narcissistic - my own mother does it to me still as a adult. She won't speak to me for weeks, is quite cutting etc when she does but then an event will come such as a birthday and she will want to go out and behave like a 'normal family' for a couple of hours and tell all her OAP friends about her wonderful family outing (when its usually always far from wonderful!) it can often be about saving face or wanting to appear interested to use as leveridge later (as in "well I messaged numerous times to take DGD out and you refused" type thing)

Probably sees that the OP is doing ok enough, so has gone down the route of keeping her son on side.

Grandparents don't have an automatic right to contact in all cases, but, as I said, can apply to court for permission to apply for an order about contact with the child (if that makes sense). Such an order is more likely to be granted if the grandparent already has a relationship with the child, which this one clearly does. Plenty of info online if you Google it, e.g. www.familylawdecisions.co.uk/useful-information/grandparents-rights/

It isn't as easy as giving your DD a choice because children pick up on our feelings and want to keep things smooth with the resident parent. This no contact has been brought about by his actions, but you are punishing her. Previously you allowed contact even though she did what she did with his books. Are you sure that you haven't leaped on this to help your sole residency case? You'll get support on here for cutting one side of your Dad's family off, but as a child who had that done, I still resent my Mother for doing that, now in my 50's. My Mother had no right to do what she did. She did it to my eldest sister because she'd started playing happy families with my Dad.

Ask your daughter if she would like to go out with her grandmother? If she does, let her go.
Understandably you're angry at the way your ex, his gf and MIL behave.They sound vile. Don't use access/ your DD to get back at them. Put her first.

1 Let your DD choose.
2 Report them to HMRC.

Your daughter isn’t fussed
She enables his behaviour which means he doesn’t pay for his child… so NO!! Clearly don’t let her see your child

YANBU, as MILis effectively stealing money from her grandchild by falsifying the books. She can’t make up for that by taking DGD to tea. Fuck that. Say no, OP.

They're all disgusting people, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near any of them! YANBU at all

I wouldn’t put that in writing. If you’re going to court about residency anyway I would not give them any fuel for their fire.

I wouldn’t send DD or even acknowledge the message to be honest as DD is not bothered and MIL is taking money which should rightly go to DD away from her.

This