One I’ve thought of, which can make it harder for school to understand and pick up when it presents this way… is my DD can be “overly expressive” and sometimes have slightly exaggerated social responses. Her voice isn’t monotone and she is very enthusiastic and animated when talking.
She smiles a LOT, and seems happy even when she isn’t. In fact, there can be a correlation between how “okay” she seems after something upsetting happens and how upset she really is. There is a certain type of smile that I describe as “a stage school smile”
and it’s a cover up one that I have come to recognise, but it certainly isn’t something that people who don’t know her would see, and it contributed to school thinking she was “fine” when she really really wasn’t.
The bigger the smile and the more emphatic “I’m FINE, I understand” (about something like not being invited to a party sleepover) the more concerned I am, and it usually comes out later in a meltdown. I don’t think she is deliberately lying about her feelings other, but it takes her a while to feel or to even recognise her emotions, as well as partly wanting to cover up socially.
Re: the not being able to feel feelings -for example on a Sunday evening before school she would often be awake really late with a headache and nausea. She would say it had nothing to do with school (and I think she really believed this) but that she was ill. Soon as we took her out of school this stopped.
Back to the masking and social skills - my DD doesn’t come across as shy, and she will talk to anyone. Seems really confident. But actually, that is a little bit unusual in itself, and as she has become older (she is 9) I notice it more, as older DC don’t usually start conversations with shop assistants and strangers, so it stands out more than it did when she was a younger child. She also keeps talking even if the person isn’t being especially responsive.
She also uses stock phrases “So, how was your day today?”/“Any plans for the weekend?”.
Recently I could hear her chattering away to the receptionist, when I had a quick hair appointment, and DD asked her “So, are you doing anything after work tonight?” and it made me smile. It’s hard to explain but if you listen carefully it’s possible to pick up the social phrases she has stored, that sound a little bit adult.
This was picked up in during the ASD assessment. Also, there are a few parts for it when the clinician makes small talk and talks about plans they have. I heard my DD exclaim “That’s amazing!!” when the clinician talked about her plans for the weekend. But later on DD responses again with “That’s amazing!” or “How amazing!” , “Amazing!” in the same tone of voice in response to the clinician sharing information about herself
it was exactly the same each time.
This was picked up on. They also noticed that when my DD exclaimed “I’m so excited!” a couple of times, her facial expression didn’t
change or show excitement to match what she was seeing.
So, the masking side of things is really subtle and took experienced clinicians - who know a lot about masking and autism in girls - to recognise. Some traits of DDs are stereotypically autistic, but the social communication side was harder to see.
School insisted “She has loads of friends” but this wasn’t as true as it seems. She has acquaintances but can’t seem to form many close friendships, or she forms them and then loses them, and is desperate for a “best friend”. School weren’t seeing that though, they saw her with other children in the playground and took that and face value. She is actually also more comfortable and confident with adults than with her peers.
We saw the extreme meltdowns and the loneliness and fear and anxiety at home but she usually holds it together in public. So girls can be harder to recognise.