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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter - was I unreasonable?

61 replies

NameChange01010 · 22/10/2022 16:13

Name changed...

My 13.5 year old daughter and I had a massive row today. We had an afternoon in the shops planned (her idea). I was really looking forward to it. In the car on the way there I was making conversation, usual stuff, nothing in particular. She started to get iffy, very defensive at perceived (imagined) criticism & making snarky comments. This kind of reaction [out of no where], looking for criticism of her in what I say has been theme for about 18 months and I will admit it's becoming wearing. Almost every time we spend time together, this is the dynamic. 95% of the time, I ignore it. It bristled me today. We arrived in town, and she was sullen. Normally we plan where to go first... I don't care was the response. I suggest her favorite shop, off we go. I go look at something, turn round and can't see her anywhere. Spend 10 minutes hunting this shop and find her. We go and try the things on she'd found and she seemed to brighten up. We eventually left and were walking past a shop I wanted to look it. I walked towards it and started saying how nice x,y,z was in the window only to realize I was talking to myself and she was stood about 2 meters behind me turned away staring down the street. I walked back to her and said ok I see you were interested. Cue another round of snapping defensively about saying she didn't do anything wrong etc. This is not the first time this has happened.

At this point, I just said let's go home. I let alot of stuff go as I don't think it's helpful to pull teenagers particularly up on ever tiny thing, but I also don't want to spend my afternoon being sniped at. This is the point it really went downhill, by the time we were in the car it was a full blown argument with me saying she can't behave like this all the time and expect me to just take it. This was supposed to be a nice afternoon out for us, and I'm not enjoying it. She feels I completely over-reacted, am completely unreasonable and she didn't do anything wrong. She's now sat in her room sulking. I'm sat here feeling guilty. We're both upset.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
eish · 22/10/2022 16:20

The problem with teens is that they are so judged by their peers they assume you are too. Their hormones are all over the place. I think you probably over reacted a bit but it is exhausting dealing with it.

Flossiemoss · 22/10/2022 16:21

Yanbu.
it’s all very well teenagers developing and is making allowances for them - but at some point they have to learn that people will react to their antisocial antics and on this occasion you have.
no advice because I’m in the middle of similar and can make allowances for so much and then have enough of the carry on and snap.

no doubt we’re in the wrong somewhere. Sure some one will be along to tell us how.

Mosaic123 · 22/10/2022 16:23

She sounds super sensitive so pretty much anything you say would be taken badly.

It was just a bad day.

Twiz5218 · 22/10/2022 16:24

Did she definitely want to go shopping?

I vividly remember walking with my mam around the shops and really not enjoying it. I was polite and followed without complaint but remember her having a dig and saying 'cheer up' or 'get that look off your face', when I still think I was just walking around doing something boring politely and was baffled as to why she'd be having a go at me for not grinning the whole time like a maniac. I was bored and hadn't worked out that I was meant to pretend to be interested rather than just following quietly and politely.

I remember all the 'look Twiz, do you like this?'
'Yes', I'd say politely.
'Do you want it?'
'No, I'd never wear it.'

And that would make her annoyed again.

So I think it depends on whether she actually wants to be there. And are the perceived criticisms definitely just perceived?

ItsFlippingBoiling · 22/10/2022 16:25

13.5 is really the end of shopping with your mum (until you are an adult)
Bit unusual for you to say -This was supposed to be a nice afternoon out for us, and I'm not enjoying it.

Clothing allowance, drop off with mates is they way forward for the next 5 years.

Twiz5218 · 22/10/2022 16:25

Right hang on, ignore that. Just saw that it was her idea. Serves me right for not reading properly. Sorry.

Untitledsquatboulder · 22/10/2022 16:26

I was occasionally a right bitch to my mum at that age, when it got too much she pulled me up on it.

She was right to do so, even if I didn't think so at the time.

Being a good mum doesn't mean you have to have no boundaries.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2022 16:28

You weren't unreasonable at all. In my family, being a teenager is not an excuse to be a rude, insolent twat. I never would have tolerated that kind of disrespect from my kids when they were your daughter's age. I always told my children that being upset, cranky, pissed off, whatever, is totally fine, but taking it out on other people is unacceptable. If you need to separate yourself and spend time alone to cool off, that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine to come to me and unload, express your frustrations, have a moan, but it is not ok to treat me disrespectfully.

Exasperatednow · 22/10/2022 16:28

Read Non violent communication. The book is a bit American and it really helped me stay sane when communicating with my then teenager. She's 20 now and mostly great and there were times when she was 13 I was despairing.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/10/2022 16:31

Can you give an example of some things you said and the perceived criticisms? Someone might have some advice on how to handle it

takealettermsjones · 22/10/2022 16:32

It's hard to say whether YABU or not without knowing what you said to her that she perceived as criticism.

Eupraxia · 22/10/2022 16:33

I (personally, as a 46yo female) find social media unhealthy primarily because I perceive bring judged for everything online and have to think very, very carefully about all possible ways to read anything I might write incase someone takes offence and/or judges me for it (silently or vocally).

It's exhausting hor me, so I largely choose not to use social media for my own wellbeing.

Teens have less of a realistic option to make that choice. So they does large amount of time bring being vocally judged, or wondering if others are silently judging them.

It must be so bad for their wellbeing. Imagine constantly thinking everyone (including your Mum) is judging you, when they in fact aren't but you don't realise that?

I'm glad I'm not a current teenager.

Original poster
NameChange01010 · 22/10/2022 16:34

@Twiz5218 an example of the criticism was that she mentioned a u tube video of someone driving with one finger on the wheel. I commented that was dangerous even for an experienced driver, so never good to be in a car with someone doing that. That was me making out she is stupid...

@ItsFlippingBoiling totally agree, she tends to buy clothes out with friends. She like wandering round town.. not just clothes shops, looking in the book shop etc.. sitting in the park with a coffee etc..

@Aquamarine1029 that's kind of where I am coming from. Ok to feel how you feel, talk to me about it if you want & I'll do my best to help, but you can't going around taking it out on everyone around you. Maybe I'm sensitive about this because I am her target of choice - she does not behave like this with ANYONE else. Possibly because I'm a single Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange01010 · 22/10/2022 16:36

Exasperatednow · 22/10/2022 16:28

Read Non violent communication. The book is a bit American and it really helped me stay sane when communicating with my then teenager. She's 20 now and mostly great and there were times when she was 13 I was despairing.

Thank you, I will look at that.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 22/10/2022 16:41

an example of the criticism was that she mentioned a u tube video of someone driving with one finger on the wheel. I commented that was dangerous even for an experienced driver, so never good to be in a car with someone doing that. That was me making out she is stupid...

Honestly, I can sort of see both sides here 😆 I know you were trying to remind her of the safety aspect etc but to her she was just trying to tell you a funny story, and you turned it into a teaching moment (a.k.a. to a teenager = a lecture). If you do this a lot (I'm not saying you do, but just on the off chance!) then I could see it being wearing, again to an already moody teen!

Kite22 · 22/10/2022 16:42

It's not because you are a single Mum.
Most teens go through a phase where anything a parent does is just so embarrassing. Maybe your dd has hit that stage now. Let her stay in, or let her go to town with her mates. There is a stage when no teen wants to go shopping with their Mum.

I think the example you've given Twix in your post at 16:24 does sound like you are criticising her, yes. That is just the way to stop her 'chatting' to you about things. People don't always want to be "told" what is right when they mention something.

KimmySchmitt · 22/10/2022 16:45

Do you remember being a teenager OP?! I was exactly like this. She'll have her own inner world you don't really know about and maybe something has put her in a mood/maybe she doesn't even know why she's in a mood. It's not worth getting worked up about.

I agree with @takealettermsjones , any time I used to tell my mum a story she'd just shut it down/tell me the person was exaggerating/use it as a lecture. It really affected how much I told her and as an older teen I didn't tell her anything. Just laugh some stuff off, especially as she's 13 and unlikely to have any friends driving her about any time soon.

Hoppinggreen · 22/10/2022 16:50

ItsFlippingBoiling · 22/10/2022 16:25

13.5 is really the end of shopping with your mum (until you are an adult)
Bit unusual for you to say -This was supposed to be a nice afternoon out for us, and I'm not enjoying it.

Clothing allowance, drop off with mates is they way forward for the next 5 years.

DD is 17 and has always been more than happy to spend the day shopping with me, even I’m not paying
OP, it sounds like you just rubbed eachother up the wrong way but you were right not to tolerate rudeness

Hairydogmummy · 22/10/2022 16:55

I'm going to be in a minority here, but in all honesty she was being very rude before you even got to the shops...I would have been turning round. Certainly wouldn't have considered buying her anything. If you've already been allowing her to speak to you in an offhand way, she will see any change in that as antagonistic to start with, however if you want to make a change, you need to stick to your guns. Please don't argue with her thought. As soon as you get in to an argument with a teenager, you've lost. They then see you as an equal, which you're not. Yes teens are prone to this but it doesn't mean it's our job to respond in kind or to put up with it. 'Don't speak to me like that' is what you need to say and then cut anything else off with 'I'm not arguing with you, this is how it is.' Never allow your teen to speak to you in a way you wouldn't be happy to see them speak to a teacher, doctor or any other adult they come in to contact with.

Motnight · 22/10/2022 16:58

Hang on in there, Op. She's being a typical teenager girl. It will get better.

YukoandHiro · 22/10/2022 17:04

I was this girl. Sorry OP. Be as understanding as you can but do keep setting behaviour boundaries- just maybe try to do that without an argument. When they go mad like this a hug and an offer of going for a coffee first might be better than rising to it.

MyAnacondaMight · 22/10/2022 17:11

an example of the criticism was that she mentioned a u tube video of someone driving with one finger on the wheel. I commented that was dangerous even for an experienced driver, so never good to be in a car with someone doing that. That was me making out she is stupid...

Yeah, she has a point with this one. That sort of lecturing dynamic is the parent-child equivalent of mansplaining. No wonder she is infuriated. At this age she absolutely doesn’t want your advice - pretty much on anything. So your communication style needs to massively change.

She was rude, for sure - but, as the adult with a fully formed frontal lobe, you have the most capacity to change the dynamic between you.

LittleYellowRose · 22/10/2022 17:16

Ugh this is such a hard stage. I’ve just ordered a book called the incredible teenage brain. I’ve heard really good things about it. I’m a teacher in high school but have ordered it as a parent. You’re only human and it normal that you will react to poor behaviour like that. Forgive yourself for not being in control of your own emotions 100% of the time. I believe sometimes it’s good for our kids to see how we feel. The most important part now is how you (both) fix it. Might be worth looking at how schools use a restorative conversation as a tool to repair things? 😀

Londontown12 · 22/10/2022 17:17

Totally normal !! My Dd was exactly the same it ruined so many outings in fact once I was so annoyed I left her in car park and she walked home because I did not want her in my car being a total sod sniping at me !! She is 20 now and we have such a lovely relationship it’s typical teenage behaviour I have no idea why there is no solution and most of the time I just kept quiet it’s not worth the arguing I think it’s just a way of separating from you and becoming their own person try not to take it personal thou ( very hard not too ) she will grow up eventually and it will all be ok x

Waitingfordecember · 22/10/2022 17:20

I don’t have teenagers yet but this brought me right back to being 13.

I remember being soooo embarrassed that my mum wanted to go into a shop that I thought was uncool I could have cried. I was also narky with her whenever I tried on clothes because I undoubtedly found something on my (perfectly normal) body to be self conscious about, and I just didn’t have the emotional maturity to handle it.

Any criticism at that age really made me feel stupid, and I didn’t handle that well either….

Honestly, she’ll grow out of it. Try talking about her attitude when she’s feeling calmer. Remind her that her words affect you and she can hurt your feelings (even though you are her mum and the most solid and dependable person she knows!).

Right, I’m off to apologise to my lovely mum for all the disastrous shopping trips we went on when I was a teen 😳.