Teenage daughter - was I unreasonable?

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Name changed...

My 13.5 year old daughter and I had a massive row today. We had an afternoon in the shops planned (her idea). I was really looking forward to it. In the car on the way there I was making conversation, usual stuff, nothing in particular. She started to get iffy, very defensive at perceived (imagined) criticism & making snarky comments. This kind of reaction [out of no where], looking for criticism of her in what I say has been theme for about 18 months and I will admit it's becoming wearing. Almost every time we spend time together, this is the dynamic. 95% of the time, I ignore it. It bristled me today. We arrived in town, and she was sullen. Normally we plan where to go first... I don't care was the response. I suggest her favorite shop, off we go. I go look at something, turn round and can't see her anywhere. Spend 10 minutes hunting this shop and find her. We go and try the things on she'd found and she seemed to brighten up. We eventually left and were walking past a shop I wanted to look it. I walked towards it and started saying how nice x,y,z was in the window only to realize I was talking to myself and she was stood about 2 meters behind me turned away staring down the street. I walked back to her and said ok I see you were interested. Cue another round of snapping defensively about saying she didn't do anything wrong etc. This is not the first time this has happened.

At this point, I just said let's go home. I let alot of stuff go as I don't think it's helpful to pull teenagers particularly up on ever tiny thing, but I also don't want to spend my afternoon being sniped at. This is the point it really went downhill, by the time we were in the car it was a full blown argument with me saying she can't behave like this all the time and expect me to just take it. This was supposed to be a nice afternoon out for us, and I'm not enjoying it. She feels I completely over-reacted, am completely unreasonable and she didn't do anything wrong. She's now sat in her room sulking. I'm sat here feeling guilty. We're both upset.

Was I unreasonable?

Re. the YouTube video - she didn't need a lecture about how dangerous it is to drive with one finger on the wheel. She just wanted to show you a funny video.

Yup

I'd already done that, twice. Sorry, I didn't mention in the OP.

It’s normal your dd pushes back at you as you’re the one she’s closest to. Mine - a year older - is the same. How much are you lecturing her op? She was trying to engage with you about the TikTok. Not every moment is a teaching moment.

I don’t think your dd was necessarily being rude. It depends what caused the disagreements. However, it sounds as if she doesn’t feel good in her skin right now and you’re not able to see how she’s feeling or engage with it as much as she needs. I remember being terribly embarrassed about everything at 13.

It's reassuring that I'm not the only parent dealing with this. I take on board the comment I made regards the u-tube video came off as critical to her. I can genuinely say there was no criticism intended, but it had not occurred to me until safety was mentioned on this thread that it is making me very nervous that she's spending more time out alone with friends. I have a weak spot when it comes to safety with her. Her birth was very difficult and we nearly lost her, when she was 7 weeks old she had a severe anaphylactic reaction and stopped breathing cue CPR, ambulance hospital stay etc.. Both incidents affected me more than I realized at the time, and I've had to be very conscious to not be over-protective over the years. This is a new stage, and I need to be more mindful that my instinct to ''protect'' is rearing it's head again.

Another example of the criticism was how I said ''so it seemed you had fun with your friend over the last few days?'' (her best friend had been to stay with us and I'd spent the last 3 days taking them to places they wanted to go & then picking them up). Try as I may I can't see what was critical in this statement. She seemed to think I was implying there was something bad about the time they'd spent together.. there was no undertone in what I said, it was just conversation.

Her self esteem is not great. She has a very difficult relationship with her Dad (emotional abuse) and it's taken a toll considerable on her [she has been getting support for years to help her manage her father's difficult behaviour]. I approach her very differently when there is an ''issue'' with her father - she is hyper-sensitive about everything, nothing and falls to pieces at the drop of a hat. This is not one of those times.

Perhaps the most difficult part of this for me is that we are incredibly close, it's been just me and her since she was a baby and 95% of the time get on really well. She talks to me, although I'm sure not everything these days. Sure our relationship has changed in the last year so and she spends more time with friends etc, but the overall closeness hasn't. This behavior is just so contrasting to her ''baseline'' I just really struggle with it sometimes, when I can't pin point why. Maybe the lesson here is that this is teens for you.

My dd would always walk about 5 paces behind me in town at that age. Apparently I was way too embarrassing to walk alongside with.

She's a few years older now and doesn't seem to find me that embarrassing anymore!!

Teens are hard work so you have my sympathy.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies yes I had that too!

OP, I don't have teens yet but I behaved exactly like your daughter as a teen and I recognise some of the things my mum said/felt in what you're saying.
I hope it's consolation to say I got over myself by about the age of 16 and I'm still really close to my mum at 40.
Just humour her as much as you can over the next few years. This isn't about you. She's just feeling really weird.

They're funny and touchy at that age. You never know what's going to set them off and what triggers them today will be so funny tomorrow. Try not to let it get to you, you're her mum so you're old and know nothing.

I had one of these OP, I sympathise.

Started a bit later though, about age 15. But oh my god. It was like someone had overnight switched my daughter with an clone or something. Everything, and I mean everything I said she'd argue with. if I said something as innocuous as 'its a nice day today' it would be met with a sarcastic ' so? are you trying to make me go out or something, you're always telling me to go out'. It was all a bit WTF! Can't remember a single time I told her to go out! If I said something was blue, she'd say it was black, if I said something was nice, she'd say I had no taste and it was ugly. We had some huge arguments, because there is only so much I could put up with!
And apparently I was old and didn't know anything most days too.

But good news, around age 17 she got switched back and shes now completely lovely! So there is hope, just hang in there a couple more years.

I found wine helped.

Not unreasonable at all. Sulky little madam needs to learn she can't just turn it on for her mates and expect her family to suck up her hormonal tantrums.