Teenage daughter - was I unreasonable?

[NameChange01010]

Name changed...

My 13.5 year old daughter and I had a massive row today. We had an afternoon in the shops planned (her idea). I was really looking forward to it. In the car on the way there I was making conversation, usual stuff, nothing in particular. She started to get iffy, very defensive at perceived (imagined) criticism & making snarky comments. This kind of reaction [out of no where], looking for criticism of her in what I say has been theme for about 18 months and I will admit it's becoming wearing. Almost every time we spend time together, this is the dynamic. 95% of the time, I ignore it. It bristled me today. We arrived in town, and she was sullen. Normally we plan where to go first... I don't care was the response. I suggest her favorite shop, off we go. I go look at something, turn round and can't see her anywhere. Spend 10 minutes hunting this shop and find her. We go and try the things on she'd found and she seemed to brighten up. We eventually left and were walking past a shop I wanted to look it. I walked towards it and started saying how nice x,y,z was in the window only to realize I was talking to myself and she was stood about 2 meters behind me turned away staring down the street. I walked back to her and said ok I see you were interested. Cue another round of snapping defensively about saying she didn't do anything wrong etc. This is not the first time this has happened.

At this point, I just said let's go home. I let alot of stuff go as I don't think it's helpful to pull teenagers particularly up on ever tiny thing, but I also don't want to spend my afternoon being sniped at. This is the point it really went downhill, by the time we were in the car it was a full blown argument with me saying she can't behave like this all the time and expect me to just take it. This was supposed to be a nice afternoon out for us, and I'm not enjoying it. She feels I completely over-reacted, am completely unreasonable and she didn't do anything wrong. She's now sat in her room sulking. I'm sat here feeling guilty. We're both upset.

Was I unreasonable?

Agree with this.

While not very nice this is pretty typical teenage behaviour OP. They can be very contrary, full of fun and smiles one minute and in a mood the next. I can be having a completely normal chit chat with my DD and then all of a sudden she will just find me extremely annoying and flounce off. They just find us parents incredibly annoying, which can be hurtful but I just keep reminding myself that their brain is being completely re wired and try not to take it personally.

Totally normal unfortunately. My dd were both horrors. The are adults now and both lovely to go shopping /lunch with (although I still seem to pay!!) hang in there try not to react but don't reward these behaviours.

We can’t even breathe around our 15 year old DD without her losing her shit, so you have my sympathies. Everything in the whole world is a dig or a problem. I think she actually enjoys it. I just disengage as much as I can. 🙈

It's so tricky OP. Tbh it sounds like she was being a pretty normal teen (I have three!) and maybe wasn't expecting it to result in having her treat cut short. But on the other hand I can understand that for you it was a "last straw broke the camel's back" moment. Can you go and build bridges? Say it was a shame things didn't work out today, let's put it behind us. Fancy a pizza tonight?

YANBU

I too think people need to pick their battles with teenagers but when you’re treating her to a shopping trip the sulky attitude and snappiness absolutely is not called for.

Id be returning the things you bought her

Wrt the YouTube thing, I wouldn’t have commented beyond an “Oh!” She knows it’s silly and illegal, she just wanted to share something from her world. Gotta keep comments/lectures to yourself and focus on listening. Teens talk a lot of nonsense but what matters is that they’re talking. To you.

I'm going through this now. According to this though that precludes any kind of closeness surely if they're expected to speak to u line they would a teacher or doctor? Just curious what you mean.
op I 100% feel your pain its awful but it won't last. That's what I tell myself anyway...

Like not line

YANBU. The getting arsey at perceived (but not actual) criticism is something that my DC2 does, and it gets very wearing. IMO it's an emotional maturity thing - their identities are pretty fragile at this stage so anything other than 100% praise/support is a devastating blow. But while I understand it from a developmental perspective it's still no fun at all to be around.

I always quietly remind my DC that I expect to be spoken to respectfully. Doesn't stop her from stropping, but it makes me feel a bit less of a mug without making additional drama or upping the ante.

@SilverGlitterBaubles well said. Nice thread, reminds us all going through we are not alone!
I asked mine today if they wanted a specific friend to stay over . I'd suggested it to friends mum as I bumped into her and dd has broken her phone (which we are replacing naturally costing us £££) DD sd yes, then flatly denied this 30 minutes b4 friend due to arrive. Room a tip, can't fit matress in there as floor is awful .dd asleep in stink pit, then bars door so I can't even get out old towels and plates,refuses to do it herself.

Vacates room sullenly so I gather I'm allowed to tidy now, what a privilege.

Friednarrives, they accepted the biscuits i offered then was told to leave.

Evening out for them was all planned, feels spoiled now , I'm actually scared to go in there and suggest they set off, again with my ££.

Add to this we are meant to keep them safe too....
They are worrying, rude, entitled, annoying and vulnerable all at the same time ....

13 is a very difficult age. The start of adolescence for most girls and hormones are on a real rollercoaster.

Personally, I have never found that social shopping trips worked, probably because I prefer to browse alone and do as I please. When mine were that age (in their twenties now) we'd head into town, I'd buy them what was needed for school etc. (perhaps shoes) and then we would split up for a couple of hours, meeting up again for lunch or to just go home. They had their own money saved from their weekend jobs/paper round so everyone could do as they wished and usually reasonably happy. If we ever all tried to stick together then the tension and arguments crept in.

She was rude and sullen, you were right to pull her up on it, but if I had still wanted to do some shopping for myself my main suggestion to her would have been a parting of the ways for an hour or two.

I used to shop with my teen regularly. Both of us enjoyed it. Had no idea it was out of the ordinary to do so 😕

Ha, this reminds me so much of shopping trips with my mum.

Re. the YouTube video - she didn't need a lecture about how dangerous it is to drive with one finger on the wheel. She just wanted to show you a funny video.

I’d have done the same. I am a very relaxed parent and don’t have many rules but the one thing I can’t stand is kids being rude to parents. So I’ve been very strict on this. Yes be quiet and sulk fine, but not rudeness. I’d have also said we are going home if she’s going to be stroppy and rude to you all afternoon. I’d ask her (when she’s calm) would she want to go shopping with a friend who clearly didn’t want to be there and was being as rude as she was)? I’d imagine the answer would be no.

Yes, I’m nearly 30 and my mum still does this and it drives me mad! I can’t have a proper conversation with her because any time I tell her something she has to lecture me about it or worse, tell me if I’m “allowed” to do it, when I wasn’t asking her bloody opinion in the first place!

Try not to take it personally. When I was a teenagers I had a really bad relationship with my mum. I felt like she was always p

Fatfingers!

I thought she was always picking at me and she thought I was always being rude.

Its a normal part of growing up to pull away. If you can let it wash over you and concentrate on being there when she needs you and having fun

well tbh with the comment about the yt video i think she was just making conversation and probably wanted you to laugh ect not give her a mini lecture

Well what comments did you make that she perceived at criticism?

can’t really answer without that detail

That's teens for you op.

Ds asked if he could help me cook yesterday which never happens but he fancied coating the chicken in the breadcrumbs,

He asked what to do and I told him flour, egg, breadcrumbs. He dipped it straight in the breadcrumbs, I said no not like that. He completely flew off the handle, said that's not what I'd told him, asked why was I lying and stormed off.

An hour later he was happily eating his chicken saying how lovely it was.

How's her self esteem op? My mum was regularly critical of me growing up but would always deny it when challenged. I honestly believe she wasn't aware of it. As a result I became hyper sensitive to perceived criticism (and still am at 42).
I'm not saying you specifically are the issue here but if she already feels bad about herself even minor criticism could be taken to heart and blown out of proportion.

"At this point, I just said let's go home."

That's too far. Too extreme. Why didn't you say something: "you aren't treating me very nicely, I'm not enjoying this. I'm gonna go home if you don't Buck up your ideas."

Talk to her. At the right time. Maybe tomorrow. Tell her you feel this happens a lot, in the last 18 mths, that every time you spend time together, she's snappy and you do look forward to it, but it never turns out that well, and you'd like to change that going forward.

God I think there are times when I am still like this with my mum. Not outwardly any more but I can really get to the point where everything she says annoys me. I hate it but it does seem to be one of those wonderful mother/daughter bonding things. When I was a teenager I was horrible. I’m much nicer now (even if at times, inside I am absolutely seething at things that no one else would see an issue with).