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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask people with disabilities to explain what discrimination they have faced?

136 replies

Givenuptotally · 22/10/2022 13:06

Two horrific threads on disabilities this week. Can I ask any disabled person reading this to name and explain the discrimination they experience on a day to day basis? What are your experiences? I really do feel that so many need their eyes opening to what people with disabilities face.

My son has a disability. When diagnosed, his teacher refused to do additional training to be able to effectively support him. Many parents of children with the same condition end up having to attend school discos or residentials so their child gets the same experience as other children.

OP posts:
deliverooyoutoo · 22/10/2022 18:20

Being told I don't look like I'm disabled.

Being told I don't look like I need a blue badge.

Being told I don't belong in the rapid security queue at the airport.

Being called a Mong.

Being called stupid. Thick.

Talked down to.

Pushed past and shoved.

And lots of "if you just tried harder" type things. I can't try harder. I'm autistic. It's a function of my disability.

deliverooyoutoo · 22/10/2022 18:22

Oh yeah. Being ignored and being made to feel that I shouldn't be in the priority seat. Even when I gather up my courage and ask people could they move and let me sit there please.

Randomword6 · 22/10/2022 18:24

Huffy behaviour from everyone at the shop I worked in when I couldn't stand the noise from the radio and some CDs. I asked if we could work out a playlist everyone liked but often found this was ignored. I couldn't do my job from stress and it was an easy adjustment to make but I was treated as if I was unreasonably demanding. The worst thing was management assured me it was being addressed but their measures were never enforced.

Pollydon · 22/10/2022 18:24

It's the micro agressions that used to get me down. Depending on my condition that day I either walk with a limp, need a stick or need crutches. I also have chronic nerve pain and hip immobility..
I have been asked if I'm drunk, had my crutches moved without my permission, my stick taken then told to go and get it ( this was in work ), had abuse asking someone to let me use a ramp more times than I can remember, been physically shoved in the supermarket because I wasn't moving fast enough - the supermarket were actually really good, he got thrown out and banned & I got flowers and chocolate and it reported to the police.
I've been asked on countless occasions how I ended up like this ( no ones business. It was as a result of a DV incident then 2 years later an RTA )
I've been berated for being a drain on the tax payer when I never have received any Disability benefits and have worked FT for the last 25 years.
Its relentless & I use a lot of dark humor to cope.

Soubriquet · 22/10/2022 18:27

My local bank requires steps to get in.

They have a disabled access round the side which a small lift that can get you up to the level you require.

but…..

the lift is locked. You need to manage to get a staffs attention (who are upstairs and round the corner) for someone to come and unlock the lift so you can get upstairs

wheresmymojo · 22/10/2022 18:29

When I say I have ADHD I would say 80% of the time the other person says some form of "Oh, well we all have a little bit of ADHD don't we?"

I've now started saying I have a neurological condition that impacts XYZ instead (e.g. I'm sorry, can you repeat that again, I have a neurological condition that can impact my ability to take in information occasionally...)

No-one ever says the same thing in response (Oh, well we all have a little bit of a neurological condition don't we...).

To me it says that they don't actually believe ADHD is a 'real thing'.

I have a lot of much more impactful examples which I'll come back and post later but this is the one that happens all of the time...

alloalloallo · 22/10/2022 18:29

My daughter has Tourette’s, FND, dyslexia and ASD

She constantly gets told she’s faking as “my sister’s, friend’s husband’s, aunt has Tourette’s and it’s nothing like yours”

Lots of abuse, bullying and micky taking. People outright calling her weird, a freak, annoying

Struggling to find a part time job

College refusing to make any reasonable adjustments as she doesn’t have any mobility issues

Told to just try a bit harder, try not to worry, just try to remember, listen properly, etc, etc.

Medical professionals when she has tests telling her to “just try and sit still”

MaMisled · 22/10/2022 18:31

I have a brain injury. I'm quite deaf and can't hear or process others speech very quickly or absorb information. As a result I respond inappropriately and get panicky and flustered, making everything worse. I wear a Brain Injury card on a lanyard and need to present it often, by way of explaining my apparent "stupidity". Despite this, I'm met with eye rolls, big sighs and am spoken to in very loud, slow, emphasised short sentences.

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 18:34

What really bugs me is when people talk
to DS (13) through me. Yes he has massive struggles socially but me talking for him all the time won’t help.

the best HCPs we have are the ones who talk to him knowing I will answer/add more detail if needed.

Soubriquet · 22/10/2022 18:38

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 18:34

What really bugs me is when people talk
to DS (13) through me. Yes he has massive struggles socially but me talking for him all the time won’t help.

the best HCPs we have are the ones who talk to him knowing I will answer/add more detail if needed.

Actually, I get annoyed at the opposite sometimes.

I frequently have to look to my dh for him to translate what someone has said.

Instead of them being patient and allowing him to do that, they get pissed off and get their faces closer to me and start to speak veeeeeery sloooowly as if that would help.

No. It doesn’t help! My husband helps.

Asher33 · 22/10/2022 18:44

Being talked to really slowly. You do have to talk a bit slower (I have difficulty with sounds - so many words and letters sound similar) but not like I'm stupid.

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2022 18:46

"we have come across disabled toilets where I struggle to open the door and manoeuvre Ds standard child size wheelchair in so mind boggles how an adult who uses a wheelchair would manage to get in independently!"

Our local McDonald's used to store the wet floor cones right outside the accessable toilet. There's been many a time when I've opened the door to find them inside. I'd forgotten about ridiculously heavy doors. Our local Asda used to use the accessable changing room as storage space. I got a £20 voucher for that one. Bus drivers don't seem to understand that the disability buggy is the equivalent of a wheelchair.

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 18:47

Soubriquet · 22/10/2022 18:38

Actually, I get annoyed at the opposite sometimes.

I frequently have to look to my dh for him to translate what someone has said.

Instead of them being patient and allowing him to do that, they get pissed off and get their faces closer to me and start to speak veeeeeery sloooowly as if that would help.

No. It doesn’t help! My husband helps.

Fair point.

i guess the key is taking the lead from the person the appointment is about, so you looking to your husband should be enough to show you consent to him to speaking on your behalf

alloalloallo · 22/10/2022 18:51

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 18:34

What really bugs me is when people talk
to DS (13) through me. Yes he has massive struggles socially but me talking for him all the time won’t help.

the best HCPs we have are the ones who talk to him knowing I will answer/add more detail if needed.

Yes!

My DD is 17. She’s perfectly capable of speaking for herself. We’ll go to an appointment and I’ll get asked how she’s feeling - I always indicate towards her. She does forget stuff and her brain gets a bit foggy sometimes so I do help her out, but I always wait for her to speak first.

JaceLancs · 22/10/2022 18:51

Mocked and treated as stupid because I am deaf

left to go hungry at most events and celebrations due to food allergies

unable to get credit as some disability benefits aren’t counted - this was particularly annoying in the past when there were interest free offers which would have helped when I was a lone parent - I have never shopped at Argos since they humiliated me loudly in public when I was trying to buy DD flat pack bedroom furniture on a deal they had

people who talk about disability benefit claimants as scroungers

behindanothername · 22/10/2022 18:58

Went in for surgery, got asked what medication I was on, told the surgeon I was on ADHD medication and was instantly asked if I needed a medical advocate to make decisions for me... I am in my mid 40's, work for a large company on strategy, am a parent of 2 children...Halloween Hmm the other consultant I came across said I had done ever so well considering... patronising insert expletive!

ArtixLynx · 22/10/2022 19:07

I have spinal issues, chronic pain, arthritis, migraines, asthma, and use a walking stick. I also have adhd and an auditory processing disorder which makes hearing in certain environments extremely hard.

i also happen to be plus-size.

Most people automatically assume all my disabilities are because of my weight and that if i made 'more effort' to lose weight, they'd all magically go away (news flash, they're not, and they won't) so most of the discrimination i experience is fatphobic.

I get told i'm too young to use a walking stick, or accused of faking because some days i can do stuff like 'normal' people, but others i can barely move/walk.

SwordToFlamethrower · 22/10/2022 19:14

I am classed as disabled because of horrific child abuse and sexual violence which affected my brain development. I have a classic invisible disability and need a carer to navigate through life.

People look at me and think there's nothing wrong with me and so many times I've been asked to justify myself with what happened to me. Which can actually flare up and exacerbate my condition because I am forced to relive it.

These people don't understand or care and even ask me when I'll be better. Brain damage!

I literally cannot go anywhere unaccompanied. I cannot spend time alone with men due to my triggers which I cannot control.

I recently experienced discrimination at the hospital because my request for female only care providers was belittled, then refused (for no reason) meaning I had to opt out altogether and now I am forced to go private for essential treatment.

If I had no legs, for example, people would just accept i am disabled. But because my disability is invisible, people assume I'm living it up.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/10/2022 19:15

I really don't mind when an issue is something that is not remotely apparent until you have personal experience of a particular disability (er, when it is not your job to do these things of course..) - and people are quick to do what they can when the solution is offered.

No one can know absolutely everything or be aware of absolutely everything, theres tons of stuff that was an absolute shock to me when I started using a wheelchair - things like 'the website says its accessible therefore it will be accessible'... not the case, because accessible to me does not mean accessible to you, or her, or him, or them...

What absolutely fucks me off is the 'token effort' accessibility.

The 'here's an accessible toilet... but:...'

  • We've made the doorway into the corridor that the toilet is off too narrow to get into/turn your chair. (RAF Odiham. NEC Birmingham. Various McDonalds and BurgerKings)
  • The accessible toilet is too small to bring your chair in. (Hilton, Manchester)
  • The accessible toilet is also the family bathroom/baby change/place we store all our cleaning gear (so many!)
  • This bathroom has a wheelchair logo on it, but nothing within it is actually accessible (so so many)
  • This train has an accessible carriage but oh, only chairs under 26 inches will fit into it - you'll have to sit in the doorway.
  • This train has an accessible carriage with spaces for wheelchairs but we thought they'd double up as spaces for bicycles and luggage
  • This station will offer you assistance to get on and off the train - but we will probably forget to show up.
  • Our shop is definitely wheelchair accessible - we have a tiny wobbly wooden ramp that is far too steep and all the aisles are too narrow and filled with floor stacked stock because after all you're not actually our target market so it doesn't matter if we piss you off.
  • This waiting room has nice wide doors but we've placed seating all around it with no spaces for wheelchair users (my local hospital!)

The Equality Act might state these things are a problem, but it doesn't give disabled people a clear, swift route to action being taken against those who are just paying lip service to accessibility with no actual shits given as to whether they're really accessible!

FallingLeaves11 · 22/10/2022 19:25

I was working as a carer. Left the old company to one with a higher rate of pay. At the end of the trial period they asked me to fill in a health assessment form. They then sacked me for lacking capacity and capability. I have had no job for 3 months - utter shits. I have had both hips replaced and nerve damage in my knees. Really starting to panic now, not only money but am depressed now too. Luckily I start back at my old company next week, but it is only one shift a week. It is going to take me months to get back financially.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/10/2022 19:25

ArtixLynx · 22/10/2022 19:07

I have spinal issues, chronic pain, arthritis, migraines, asthma, and use a walking stick. I also have adhd and an auditory processing disorder which makes hearing in certain environments extremely hard.

i also happen to be plus-size.

Most people automatically assume all my disabilities are because of my weight and that if i made 'more effort' to lose weight, they'd all magically go away (news flash, they're not, and they won't) so most of the discrimination i experience is fatphobic.

I get told i'm too young to use a walking stick, or accused of faking because some days i can do stuff like 'normal' people, but others i can barely move/walk.

Yessssssssss...... (I mean, UGH you too?! :( )

I have Ehlers Danlos, as a result of that, heart failure, as a result of all of that and thyroid and all sorts... despite being a super active child, I started gaining weight very young and my ability to shift it decreased more and more each year. My sister who has the heart issue but no other signs of ED is a normal weight... but we have very similar eating behaviour and obviously the same diet/upbringing...

So my heart failure was DX after TWO AND A HALF YEARS of me seeing drs, complaining about being knackered all the time, arrhythmia, tachycardia, piling on weight (water) struggling to sleep for coughing and wheezing when I lie down...

'Go for a walk, lose weight'...

My sister was dx when her heart issues started to show symptoms... in something like 3 weeks. No one assumed she was being lazy or making it up.

People assume I use a wheelchair because I am fat and not that being fat is a part of the disabilities that put me in a wheelchair and my inability to move much is exacerbating that issue...

They leap to the conclusion that fat + wheelchair = doesn't work, and I am not talking about just random people, I am talking about GP's and consultants, who have ALL dramatically changed their attitude towards me on learning that I work!

I actually ended up on the recieving end of a full on rant by a specialist heart nurse - apparently it is disgusting that I get more money than she does. I said I doubted that I did get more money than her band of specialist nurse does, but apparently I am raking it in in benefits. She went on for a good ten minutes (And the appt. was already an HOUR late) about how hard HER life was and HER husband wasn't working and couldn't get out of work payments as she earns too much and I just waited for her to shut up.. and then said 'what out of work payments, why would I get those? I work...'

Never did get an apology and it is now on record I will not see her - despite that shes been sent TO MY HOME twice now!

WeeWillyWinkie9 · 22/10/2022 19:28

I have a communication disability, I was interviewed by Ofsted recently and they told me to improve on how I speak. This has now gone onto my performance management and is a target for me to be less disabled by this time next year.

CheapFoodShits · 22/10/2022 19:31

When DS was in Y3, his teacher put a "Behaviour Monitoring Chart" in place. DS has ADHD and displays all the usual symptoms. He is medicated for school and tries his best to not let his condition affect his work. The chart said that he had to get all the "ticks" in the boxes to EARN his break and lunch times. In order to get the ticks he had to not display any of the symptoms of his ADHD, so he had no chance of earning his breaks. As soon as a copy came home (no, it wasn't discussed with me before the teacher implemented it) I was straight into the school. I asked the teacher why he thought DS should have his break time removed at the start of every day and have to earn it back. He said "Oh, we can look at it if you want?" I told him "It's discrimination." He looked horrified and asked what he should do 🙄
That was the same teacher who, when asked by the local SEND representative what level DS was at, said "I don't know... He's not bottom bottom. Some of them can't even string a sentence together!" DS is in Y6 now and this teacher has been promoted to Deputy Head.

GrumpyInsomniac · 22/10/2022 19:43

Much of the above is very familiar to me. Yes, I’ve also had changing rooms being used as storage - Next on Fenchurch Street, for example - countless shops not remotely set up to permit wheelchair access around the shop if you can even get into the shop in the first place, as well as those who aren’t prepared to serve you at the door if you can’t physically get your chair in.

Countless people trying to talk to my husband or son instead of me because I’m in my wheelchair. Or just insisting on looking around me for a carer rather than deal with me direct - passenger assistance at Zurich and Manchester airports, for example - or people assuming that since I’m traveling alone in a wheelchair they can just pick my luggage up and move it around without asking or try to move me because I’m place inconveniently for their needs by actually occupying the wheelchair space. And good luck with that because my power chair weighs 95kg before I even get into it.

Being invited to attend a conference somewhere interesting, only to find that they never in a million years expected any attendee to be disabled and weren’t able to accommodate me after all. I did suggest that if they designed the events to be accessible it would save them and any potential disabled guests embarrassment in the future, but I doubt they’ll change anything.

Attending an industry conference and wanting to talk to vendors at the stands in the hall, only to have them pointedly look over my head and ignore me when I tried to attract their attention as presumably a woman in a wheelchair has less purchasing authority and budget than her equivalent able-bodied colleague. Not just one stand at that event, either. All but 2 refused to acknowledge my existence. Their loss, and I’m sure they didn’t enjoy me giving feedback to their head office.

Random people being abusive in the street and elsewhere because they assume I can neither understand nor respond. Oh, and the bloke who punched me in shoulder as he walked past me because he could. And who got away with it because it was on a pedestrian street with market stalls and I couldn’t go after him in my chair over the cobbles. And as it is it took a long time to get the police I reported it to to understand that if he only punched a stranger in a wheelchair and nobody else, that’s a hate crime and needs to be reported as such.

So many battles to access the wheelchair space on buses vs people with buggies and shopping trollies. And the stress of trying to travel around an unfamiliar area and knowing that you can’t rely on there being consistent application of dropped kerbs to ensure you can follow the route that should be practicable.

And of course the very general fact that if you want to travel as a wheelchair user, the chances are that the journey will take you 33% longer because your route options are limited or you have to be places far earlier to access assistance. And that some hotels call hotel rooms accessible when they aren’t in the least - the Ibis at Heathrow, for example - but because they put a bar by the toilet it somehow qualifies, even if you can get your wheelchair in the room, or down the side of the bed, or through the gap between the bed and the wardrobe so you can reach the bathroom in the first place.

And this is just related to my wheelchair use. I could write another post entirely about the struggles with my less visible disabilities.

chelle0 · 22/10/2022 20:12

I have osteonecrosis and a fused wrist (I know it's not major compared to some)

I once had a date cut my food up for me because he thought I wouldn't be able to.