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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask people with disabilities to explain what discrimination they have faced?

136 replies

Givenuptotally · 22/10/2022 13:06

Two horrific threads on disabilities this week. Can I ask any disabled person reading this to name and explain the discrimination they experience on a day to day basis? What are your experiences? I really do feel that so many need their eyes opening to what people with disabilities face.

My son has a disability. When diagnosed, his teacher refused to do additional training to be able to effectively support him. Many parents of children with the same condition end up having to attend school discos or residentials so their child gets the same experience as other children.

OP posts:
ValleyClouds · 22/10/2022 14:28

I am disabled and doing a quick placehold for later when I have a chance to fill out the list.

Sometimeswinning · 22/10/2022 14:28

Alertthecorgis · 22/10/2022 13:38

@Sometimeswinning dc wasn’t even given a chance to fail before school had ruled they didn’t want him. The above happened almost immediately within the first two weeks. Members of the Sen team from the council weren’t allowed in and give any advice. We wanted our son to have a chance in our local mainstream school. We appreciated it might not work but he’d been in a mainstream nursery. The head said to me almost as soon as my son started that my son wouldn’t be attending his school in Year 1.

The experience was so poor we moved our son to another school and he now attends another mainstream school which has a Sen unit attached.

My school doesn't necessarily have the resources but comments like this make me realise we do our absolute best to support a child back into the classroom. What an awful experience for you. I hope dc is very happy and settled now.

Asher33 · 22/10/2022 14:36

Being told I can't take in part in something because it'll be too difficult...by a person with no experience of my disabilities.

Sunshinebug · 22/10/2022 14:37

Commenting as a disabled adult. People making adjustments that I have not asked for, because they buy in to the stereotypes. Managers saying it might be unfair if an adjustment is made as other employees without a disability (even if they are not affected in any way by the adjustment and don’t have any difficulty with using the office environment) don’t get special treatment and might complain. People setting up events or venues that I can’t attend, seeing me as the minority rather than considering how to include me. Mostly well meant or just ignorant of the law. ACAS has a good outline of what is reasonable if anyone needs it!

Silverangels · 22/10/2022 14:38

I have arthritis in my knee and left hip

work demanded a letter from the doctor to ‘prove’ I wasn’t lying

im on my feet 8+ hours a shift-not allowed to fit down

stairs are unbearable-I’m not allowed to use the lift (I do-fuck em)

im always been told to kneel down (I can’t) to do something

im always being told to ‘stop limping’ (I wish I could)

im also slightly deaf(due to dv)

I can’t hear you if there’s noise in the background-I’ve been yelled at for being ‘ignorant’ and they tried to give me a warning for walking away from someone who I didn’t hear calling my name

im made to feel like a time waster-I don’t moan but do get on with it,unlike others-who are pandered to for fuck all-we have one woman who never shows up due to her disabled child-there’s nothing wrong with him,just her word for it-and nothing is ever said or done

Ilovedthe70s · 22/10/2022 14:46

emptythelitterbox · 22/10/2022 13:46

My disabilities are invisible.

Here are just a few things said or done to me.

You don't look deaf
I'm amazed that people would think I'm lying.

Talking to my back. Mumbling. Looking away mid sentence.

Being left out. Told never mind, I'll tell you later.

Shouting or drawing out words
CAAANN YOOUUU HEAARRR MEEE NOWWW

Oh hey I sign too,
While making random hand signs

You speak so well!
You can talk?!

So... you lipread

Do you drive?

Have you thought about getting an implant?

This is pretty much my experience also.

I work in retail and frequently have customers shouting in my face because I have ignored them when they are behind me despite the fact I always apologise for not knowing they were speaking to me and I wear a badge to apologise for being deaf.
One man I hadn’t spotted covered my face with spittle whilst telling me it wasn’t his fault I was disabled, he should not be inconvenienced by it and demanding to see my manager to complain about them employing people like me.

I wish people wouldn’t shout, it makes lip reading so much harder.

EnormousStuffedMarrow · 22/10/2022 15:05

RainbowZebraWarrior · 22/10/2022 13:46

Loads of 'minor' examples of being mocked.

Not so much discriminatory, but dismissive and rude. Confided in two of my closest friends when I received my Autism diagnosis. Both said exactly the same thing "well, we are all on the spectrum, aren't we?" 🙄 Both Male. Both went on to take over the conversation about their mates blah blah (all factually incorrect anecdotal drivel) not once did they ask how I felt etc. I don't bother with either of them now. No doubt they both think it's because I've 'turned odd' aka distanced myself socially as I can't cope anymore. Nothing to do with either of them being severely lacking in self awareness of course. and generally being offensive twunts

My mother in the 70s, pushing my sister around in her pram. So many people used to stop her and ask "what did you do wrong in your pregnancy to get 'that'?"
My sister had Downs Syndrome.
People really were cunts back then. It's getting slowly better.

Very slowly by the look of the dreadful, heartbreaking stories here.

Im so sorry for those of you (& your loved ones) who have been made to suffer in this way, especially where it is deliberate acts of abuse.

x2boys · 22/10/2022 15:31

My son has severe autism and learning disabilities, he's always been educated in a special school, so tbh he always Been fully included in his environment, I have heard of so many children though with autism who are academically able, who struggle in mainstream

TeresaCrowd · 22/10/2022 15:50

I have a long term condition that leaves me covered under the DDA but day to day I’d not consider myself disabled. Constantly having to ‘get a doctors certificate’ or ‘provide a medical report’ in order to take part in ‘normal’ activities. I like day to day with my condition and know how it affects me. I have to pay to get a doctors note if they will even provide an appointment for it. They are pretty resistant to do it even if you do pay. I see my doctor twice a year at most, yet apparently they are more aware of what I’m capable of than I am.

Also other people who had a distant family member with a similar but not the same condition giving you patronising instructions as if they are the font of all knowledge on the subject that they actually know fuck all about. Links in with people making assumptions about what you can/can’t do.

I spend a lot of life feeling guilty (or dangerous, unable or incompetent) until externally proven innocent which isn’t how the UK is supposed to be!

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 22/10/2022 15:56

God yes to extended family who gives patronising instructions based on limited knowledge. yes, I KNOW your other grandchild has (only) ADHD and is doing extremely well on medication, but considering THIS grandchild has ASD, ADHD, tourettes, dyspraxia, anaphylactic allergies, an immune disorder and a heart problem and his own consultant says that adhd medication is NOT recommended, - just -well- stop suggesting that medicating might help and stop sending me little things you have clipped out of a newspaper and suggest I ask his consultant again for a magic pill. Thanks!

Papergirl1968 · 22/10/2022 15:58

I have a brain tumour and like TeresaCrowd, I don't consider myself disabled but technically am.
After being diagnosed I told work (NHS!) who instantly terminated my contract. My manager backtracked after no doubt doing a bit of research, but spend the next few months finding fault with everything I did and eventually hounded me out.
Luckily I soon found another job within the NHS where they are much nicer!

bicyclesaredeathtraps · 22/10/2022 15:59

Had a job offer withdrawn after getting it through an organisation as soon as they found out I was disabled - and at that point I wasn't using a wheelchair and any adjustments were negligible. Anyway they got blacklisted by the organisation and I got the job somewhere else. I was really good at it.

Been told by a doctor that I can't be autistic (and therefore must be lying about my medical history), because I can speak and attend an appointment.

Been mocked and bullied throughout my life for the way I move and for being "weird".

In my wheelchair:
been shouted at for stopping to heave a traffic cone that had been left in the middle of the dropped curb, and then sworn at when I didn't respond (because I'm autistic and I was overwhelmed and focused on the obstacle).

Been unable to cross the street due to inconsiderate parking across the dropped curb. And had to unload my wheelchair into the road because non-disabled people are using the blue badge spaces as a drop off zone (people do tend to look a bit sheepish in that case).

Had all manner of intrusive questions when out and about with mobility aids - what happened, why do you have that, what's wrong with you etc etc. I don't answer those.

Been ignored at the bar, cafe etc when it comes to ordering. Most times, it's assumed that whoever is with me will order for me.

Arrived at a leisure activity, having checked the website and rung up in advance to check accessibility, and paid for a ticket, only to be told with a shrug that the access features are broken today, with not so much as an apology.

Been dressed by a total stranger after I'd said no. This was me putting my jumper and jacket back on after trying something over my tshirt, the shop assistant asked if I needed help. I said no thanks, I can dress myself (which should have been evident given I'd removed my jacket, tried on the item, removed it, and was in the process of putting the jacket on again). She decided to start tucking my coat into my wheelchair, even though I said no. I didn't buy the item.

I've been using a wheelchair for less than a year. Every single time I leave the house I meet with some form of discrimination or inaccessibility.
I get a lot of positive interactions as well, but the negative ones out in public wear me down. I always appreciate offers of help to e.g. reach something on a high shelf - offers are fine, as long as people take no for an answer! Sometimes it looks like we need help, because we take longer or look different while doing something, but it's the most efficient way to do it for us. "Helping" when we've said "no" is at best infantilising, at worst, dangerous.

Asher33 · 22/10/2022 16:00

Also other people who had a distant family member with a similar but not the same condition giving you patronising instructions as if they are the font of all knowledge on the subject that they actually know fuck all about. Links in with people making assumptions about what you can/can’t do.

This! I keep getting told to wear stronger glasses or get laser eye surgery. Neither will help.

Did used to have a "friend" with the same condition who couldn't understand why I managed something yesterday but not today. It's a documented fact that most people with my condition find this is the case.

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 22/10/2022 16:03

and no (before I accidentally upset someone) i know that ADHD medication is not a magic pill and people have to be very carefully monitored but people think 'ADHD' equals medication and all is fine. It is ever so more complicated than that and always but always down to an individual.

PixiesFeet · 22/10/2022 16:06

My DC has ASD only a few days ago when flying we had booked assistance through the airline as he struggles with queues. The assistance did not turn up and when I asked the staff about this I was told well he can obviously walk so just queue like everyone else! Such ignorance. I find that as his disablity is not immediately obvious he is usually discriminated against in lots of other ways.

slimiscoming · 22/10/2022 16:10

I'm very badly hard of hearing due to a Brain tumour I had when I was younger. I always find people get very irritated with me when I can't hear them to the point where I exclude myself from noisy group chat settings because people are quite intolerant of me

BonnesVacances · 22/10/2022 16:13

My DD is disabled. She has various health conditions and chronic illness that significantly affect her day-to-day. I had to give up work 7 years ago to be at home and care for her as she can't even make toast for herself.

At the time DH and I were on the same salary. Now his career has gone from strength to strength and I'm a full time carer for a 21 year old receiving £67 a week carer's allowance.

DD receives NO education. She's discriminated against every year when she tries to access some education but due to her fluctuating poor health can't keep up the attendance and gets kicked off the course by half term.

Apparently education and socialisation is of vital importance, but not if you're disabled. Despite offering remote access to learning during Covid, this is no longer an option for the housebound. Much like many other services that have returned to face to face only.

dailymailsdrugsrunner · 22/10/2022 16:19

Where do you want me to start? In my case my needs are invisible but enough to qualify me as disabled. I wish I wasn't though but life isn't like that.

So many people have strong views on things like blue badges. I've been told I need to give some random person in a car park my blue badge because I don't need it. I've had someone tell me they are going to report me to the DSS because I am faking it.

Medical certificates. Why do I have to produce a flaming medical certificate to do anything. Actually, I would rather not divulge some very intensely personal medical information to someone who doesn't need to know (Nimbus cards, I'm looking at you here)

People who think they know how to meet my needs better than I do. If I am saying I need to do something in a particular way, use something in a particular way or this is what I need then I do. Because I know what works and what doesn't work, usually because I have found out the hard way. Swimming pools are a classic example of this. I can get into a pool by sitting on the poolside and sliding in but I need to be hoisted out again because I can't get myself out of the pool. Every time I have the same discussion with my local pool about my need for the hoist. Given a choice I wouldn't want to have a thin piece of fabric (hoist sling) being the thing lifting me out of the pool. I don't get a choice though. It really annoys me when people tell me I don't need X but I will be getting something else instead.

MightyOaks · 22/10/2022 16:23

I don't even know where to start. It's daily. From something as simple as ridiculously long queues to get/do something I need with no thought for how disabled people (particularly those of us not in wheelchairs) may struggle to stand that long; To those stupid queue barriers that don't fit a wheelchair/mobility scooter and there's no separate entrance. Obviously with venues which are permanent you can approach them about it, but with a visiting event, you just have to stay quiet & either not go or find a way to deal with it.
I certainly can’t stand in line for the Next sale or a grand opening for example because if I take a mobility scooter I'm then stuck trying to manoeuvre it around crazy shoppers running around, once we get in.
Speaking of, using a supermarket's scooter - Omg! You're either given filthy looks for being a scooter to begin with, have people saying "Excuse me" when I'm neatly parked in front of a product I'm looking at, and they want me to move rather than wait their turn (when there's no way they'd say that if I was stood, they'd patiently wait the 10 seconds until I'd finished! But nope, if I'm on a scooter then I get asked to move!)
Or you're completely ignored and have people stand right in front of you, pretending not to see you (or hear you when you say excuse me), so you're stuck waiting until they've finished chatting with their neighbour they've bumped into!

Then of course there's been followed into the shop from the car park and aggressively tapped on the shoulder/whacked with a walking stick because I've parked in a disabled bay and I'm clearly under 50, have a small child and drive a hatchback so I must be parked illegally. See also 'blocks me in using their car in some kind of vigilante-style protest at "You young mums who think you can do what you like, well this has got ya! Hahaha" without once looking to see if I have an actual Blue Badge or not. Though one of them did declare me a blue badge thief once because I was "literally standing"

Everywhere. I. Go.

BonnesVacances · 22/10/2022 16:25

Re wheelchair access, I've noticed that in many people's eyes this just means 'no steps'. When in fact poor pathways make access difficult, and doors that don't open by themselves and are impossible to get through.

BonnesVacances · 22/10/2022 16:28

Talking of queuing, did anyone notice how many disabled parking spaces were taken over for queues to get into shops during the height of Covid?Hmm

MightyOaks · 22/10/2022 16:31

Silverangels · 22/10/2022 14:38

I have arthritis in my knee and left hip

work demanded a letter from the doctor to ‘prove’ I wasn’t lying

im on my feet 8+ hours a shift-not allowed to fit down

stairs are unbearable-I’m not allowed to use the lift (I do-fuck em)

im always been told to kneel down (I can’t) to do something

im always being told to ‘stop limping’ (I wish I could)

im also slightly deaf(due to dv)

I can’t hear you if there’s noise in the background-I’ve been yelled at for being ‘ignorant’ and they tried to give me a warning for walking away from someone who I didn’t hear calling my name

im made to feel like a time waster-I don’t moan but do get on with it,unlike others-who are pandered to for fuck all-we have one woman who never shows up due to her disabled child-there’s nothing wrong with him,just her word for it-and nothing is ever said or done

due to her disabled child-there’s nothing wrong with him,just her word for it

Excuse you??? "There's nothing wrong with him?????????"
How DARE you? You've just massively discriminated against this mother! You have no access to this child's medical record. You should be ashamed of yourself

Silverangels · 22/10/2022 16:34

MightyOaks · 22/10/2022 16:31

due to her disabled child-there’s nothing wrong with him,just her word for it

Excuse you??? "There's nothing wrong with him?????????"
How DARE you? You've just massively discriminated against this mother! You have no access to this child's medical record. You should be ashamed of yourself

Oh do go away
i know this child-well
there is nothing wrong with him-nothing at all
she admits it-she seems to think there’s benefits to be had if she claims he is disabled-but she’s not getting far as everyone is telling her there is nothing wrong with him
this is her words not mine-I’ve had to listen to her going on about it-so please wind your neck back in

MightyOaks · 22/10/2022 16:34

BonnesVacances · 22/10/2022 16:28

Talking of queuing, did anyone notice how many disabled parking spaces were taken over for queues to get into shops during the height of Covid?Hmm

YES!

Edam1 · 22/10/2022 16:35

HR asked me to email my colleagues to explain what to do it I have a seizure.
Our chief exec emailed everyone - I didn't send it to her - rejecting everything I said and saying nobody needed to time a seizure

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