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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hairdresser has come out as gay

100 replies

watxher · 22/10/2022 12:55

Aibu to feel sorry for his wife?

My husband says that they were having problems before so their split may not be entirely down to him being gay. I completely disagree!

They have two children whom I also feel bad for (not because their dad is gay, but because their parents have split).

OP posts:
Asking22 · 22/10/2022 13:56

Does it affect how he cuts your hair?

Summerfun54321 · 22/10/2022 13:57

Deadringer · 22/10/2022 13:26

A gay hairdresser, goodness whatever next.

Exactly 😂

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/10/2022 13:58

Poor both of them. Obviously sorry for her. Sorry for him having been in the wrong relationship for so long. It’ll be nice that she can now find someone who will be properly attracted to her.

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/10/2022 14:01

Lesserspotteddogfish · 22/10/2022 13:53

I feel sorry for the wife and children. I don’t feel sorry for him. Surely someone knows if they are gay and shouldn’t then get into a straight relationship. They must know it won’t be fair to the other person.

You’d be surprised how many people suppress it for so long, especially when there is still so much shame associated with it. And if he genuinely loved her and was able to DTD even if it didn’t feel like it should. He might have assumed it can’t be true for him.

I know someone who has come out in his wore 30s. He was so depressed when he started realising that he tried to take his life twice.

Gay men who come out late frequently feel embarrassed that they were with a woman for so long and obviously would feel horrendously guilty. Let’s not pretend it’s some easy thing. He wouldn’t have married her if he knew.

BiscuitLover3678 · 22/10/2022 14:01

*late 30s

fairybaby · 22/10/2022 14:02

Some discussions sound a lot better in one’s head that publish in a forum…

fairybaby · 22/10/2022 14:02

published

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/10/2022 14:03

Vikinga · 22/10/2022 13:27

Yes I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with someone attracted to the opposite sex. It never had a chance and they wasted a lot of time.

One fo my friends is gay but doesn't want to be because he is very religious. He is married to a woman and I feel really sorry for the both of them.

If you're gay and don't want to admit it stay bloody single!!

This is overly simplistic.

We live in what is still a completely and entirely heteronormative society, so it's common for people to not realise they are gay, even if and when they are aware there is something that they know isn't quite fitting right, until they actually do realise that it's the fact they are in a hetero relationship while they are gay.

Not everyone is fully aware of their own sexuality by a specific age, so it's wrong to presume that people are always dishonest or deceitful when this happens and 'trick' their spouse into a marriage. It's also perfectly possible for people to feel romantic love for someone that isn't of the sex that is their preferred sexual partner, so again, it's perfectly possible to have an entirely 'legit' and 'normal' marriage between two opposite sex people based on love and respect, while one of those people is in fact gay.

Coffeaddict · 22/10/2022 14:03

You seem to think he is completely in the wrong implying that he lied. However it is often not that cut and dry. I have many friends who are now gay that had serious heterosexual relationships. It came more from a place of not understanding feelings and wanting to be 'normal' rather then deception.
Also while homosexuality is alot more accepted not than 30 years ago in some areas, cultures there is still a massive taboo. I got chatting to a random guy in a gay bar who lived on a pretty rough council estate. He putright said if the blokes from his street found out he was gay they would beat him to death. Because of this some people may try even harder to be 'normal'.
Yes it sucks for the wife but I doubt it was easy for him either. Sounds like a shit situation all around. However kids do better in situations where they have 2 happy homes rather then 1 unhappy home

whiteroseredrose · 22/10/2022 14:05

BatshitBanshee · 22/10/2022 13:53

What does it have to do with you?

Well I don't know about this hairdresser but mine tells me his life story every time I go. And I've known him for 25 years.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/10/2022 14:05

It isn't anyone's business but theirs, what is the need to heavily analyse what his having come out has contributed to the breakdown of their relationship.

Not unreasonable to feel sorry for anyone who is suffering a relationship or marriage breakdown as they are very difficult, both for the partner who has been left and for the DC who will have to recalibrate but they will have to make it work the same as everyone else does.

I'd just stop discussing their private life behind their back, nobody knows the intricacies or dynamics of a relationship or how it feels to be in that situation unless you have yourself (for either of them).

Sunshinebug · 22/10/2022 14:05

Bit weird to post this? In this day and age no one sensible cares. I’d feel sorry for anyone who had a break up they didn’t want but you seem to be more hinting at something more about the husband being gay and hoping for some sort of support of your views.

PeaceX · 22/10/2022 14:05

Two parents together aren't always for the best. My parents are a case in point but if the wife is genuinely shocked her H is gay then it's sad.
I do think men who just use women to appear straight are cowards and users.
Are these people actually related to you?

wowzersididntexpectthat · 22/10/2022 14:06

Are you straight? Oh my God!!!!

What the hell has someone's sexuality got to do with you?

VestaTilley · 22/10/2022 14:06

It’s the wife I feel for in situations like this.

iklboo · 22/10/2022 14:07

What do you want us to say? Are you fishing for homophobic comments?

lljkk · 22/10/2022 14:08

My first thought was that Surely, in the male Hairdressing world, you "come out" as Not Gay. Because the prejudice is to assume they are all gay. #LightHeardnessNotWelcomeonMN

Anyway, there are a lot of ways things could turn out, could be very positive for the children, and even for the ex-wife, as well as the H-Dsr. I couldn't find another opinion about the revelation.

Georgeskitchen · 22/10/2022 14:09

If you're asking if you are unreasonable to feel sorry for his wife the answer imo is no it's not unreasonable . Maybe she feels her whole marriage has been a sham.
But then again it's really anyone else's business but theirs to try and work through it

Theblacksheepandme · 22/10/2022 14:11

Frankly I wouldn't give a shit as long as they can still do my hair.

Canthave2manycats · 22/10/2022 14:13

And???

Topseyt123 · 22/10/2022 14:16

Lesserspotteddogfish · 22/10/2022 13:53

I feel sorry for the wife and children. I don’t feel sorry for him. Surely someone knows if they are gay and shouldn’t then get into a straight relationship. They must know it won’t be fair to the other person.

Someone might well know that they are gay, but there can still be such a stigma attached to it in some circles and in some families that they feel pushed to pretend not to be. Sometimes even to the extent of marrying and having children. Of course it isn't fair on them, the partner or the resulting children, but then neither were the judgment and bigotry of others which may have lead up to the situation.

Hell, it even used to be a criminal offence to be gay, or lesbian. Alan Turing was imprisoned for it and that was disgraceful.

OP, don't judge and don't gossip. You really don't know the full situation at all. It won't affect the man's ability to cut your hair.

Topseyt123 · 22/10/2022 14:17

Should have added that I feel sorry for ALL parties involved.

Maddison12 · 22/10/2022 14:18

Deadringer · 22/10/2022 13:26

A gay hairdresser, goodness whatever next.

😂

Attictroll · 22/10/2022 14:19

Yes feel sorry for her...I have had a friend go through this and it was devastating- she felt her whole life was a sham and could barely trust again. Also the reaction from others was treating her like an idiot whilst celebrating his bravery.
I think having open conversations about both sides in this situation is important to help the next generation from having to deal with this from both sides.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/10/2022 14:26

The family unit would have my sympathy. I am fond of my hairdresser. She tells me too much about her personal life. She has been my hairdresser for more than 20 years. I don't discuss anything beyond the fact that she is an excellent hairdresser.

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