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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I have a 2nd opinion on this conversation?

74 replies

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:01

MiL and FiL staying. They worship the ground my DH walks on.

I came back with DS from football. I give him a snack.

DH: "oh you shouldn't give him those, they're too messy"
I don't say anything
DH: "get me some kitchen roll and ill clear him up"
I grab some and give it to DH
DH: "oh you don't need 4 sheets" he is laughing.
MiL and FiL start laughing too
I say "ah well can you clean him up?"
DH: "seriously though haven't you heard of the cost of living crisis. I mean 4 sheets. Do you know how expensive it is"

This went on for another 5 mins. He didn't even clear up DS.

I find it so irritating. He thinks I'm bad tempered.

Its annoying someone being so petty?

He then said "are you mad because I told you off about the kitchen roll"

And I said "you don't tell me off"

And he said "give me strength"

Am I being a dick? I genuinely don't know.

OP posts:
lentilly · 22/10/2022 12:08

Backseat parenting.. so irritating

AnApparitionQuipped · 22/10/2022 12:09

Why couldn't he get the kitchen roll himself? He's treating you like a servant.

Marmee53 · 22/10/2022 12:10

I mean he didn't have to use all 4 sheets.

It could have gone either way. If you didn't bring enough sheets he may have said he needed more.

Also I don't understand what's so funny that your MIL and FIL start laughing?

If it's a one off, I'd let it go.

But if he speaks to you like that again, I'd mention it to him

Worthyornot · 22/10/2022 12:10

Sounds like he was doing it for the benefit of showing off to his parents. I would be very upset by this. 4 sheets is a waste but that's something he doesn't get to bring up in front of his parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2022 12:13

He's getting his kicks from treating you like an idiot in front of his parents. I really hope you're not going to tolerate this bullshit.

StopStartStop · 22/10/2022 12:15

I agree, he's enjoying showing his parents that he's boss of you.
Only... he's not.
So how are you going to establish an equal partnership?

StopStartStop · 22/10/2022 12:16

Also, people who get their knickers in a twist about four sheets of kitchen roll are people with not enough to do.

pantsville · 22/10/2022 12:22

I mean, it’s one conversation without any wider context. I could well imagine myself saying similar if I had one on me, or DH will have a stupid moan every now and then if he’s in a grumpy mood, but we’re just human rather than abusive or bad people. At best he was being a bit arsey but it really depends whether him nitpicking and trying to undermine you is a regular theme in your relationship and how things are beyond this particular conversation.

The PIL, I suppose could have been laughing awkwardly to try and break tension, or sniggering at your expense because they enjoyed seeing DH picking on you. It’s hard to know… How do you feel about it?

lentilly · 22/10/2022 12:23

Does he often do this?

ChaosDemon · 22/10/2022 12:26

DH: "oh you don't need 4 sheets" he is laughing.
MiL and FiL start laughing too
I say "ah well can you clean him up?"
DH: "seriously though haven't you heard of the cost of living crisis. I mean 4 sheets. Do you know how expensive it is"

Then just use what you need and put the rest back, it's not rocket science Confused

apparently your DH thinks that once they are ripped from the roll they can only be used for one specific job or be thrown away...?

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:29

PiL were laughing awkwardly. MiL said "he'll be telling you about how much loo roll to use next" and then DH joked "absolutely!"

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I don't know. I feel like he always gets at me and nitpicks when his parents are around. Asks me to fetch stuff from the fridge etc and it's impossible to say no without seeming petty and making it awkward. Like now I'm the mad one for being a bit upset about a joke about kitchen roll but I can't explain it...it just feels so undermining and like I'm a child in my own house. I tried to explain this to me him and he just gave me a cuddle and said "ah you're so proud and sensitive" again laughing

OP posts:
waterwitch · 22/10/2022 12:31

I really wouldn’t put up with being ‘told off’. That’s not an appropriate way to treat your partner. That’s my position FWIW

Topgub · 22/10/2022 12:33

He sounds like a fucking dick head.

was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

This especially sounds a bit I dont want to say threatening but can't think of another word

lentilly · 22/10/2022 12:34

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:29

PiL were laughing awkwardly. MiL said "he'll be telling you about how much loo roll to use next" and then DH joked "absolutely!"

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I don't know. I feel like he always gets at me and nitpicks when his parents are around. Asks me to fetch stuff from the fridge etc and it's impossible to say no without seeming petty and making it awkward. Like now I'm the mad one for being a bit upset about a joke about kitchen roll but I can't explain it...it just feels so undermining and like I'm a child in my own house. I tried to explain this to me him and he just gave me a cuddle and said "ah you're so proud and sensitive" again laughing

He's incredibly controlling

MarigoldMoonStone · 22/10/2022 12:34

Topgub · 22/10/2022 12:33

He sounds like a fucking dick head.

was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

This especially sounds a bit I dont want to say threatening but can't think of another word

Yeah this bit sounds a bit nasty and controlling

waterwitch · 22/10/2022 12:35
  • I mean that’s not an appropriate way for him to treat you.
Marmee53 · 22/10/2022 12:36

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:29

PiL were laughing awkwardly. MiL said "he'll be telling you about how much loo roll to use next" and then DH joked "absolutely!"

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I don't know. I feel like he always gets at me and nitpicks when his parents are around. Asks me to fetch stuff from the fridge etc and it's impossible to say no without seeming petty and making it awkward. Like now I'm the mad one for being a bit upset about a joke about kitchen roll but I can't explain it...it just feels so undermining and like I'm a child in my own house. I tried to explain this to me him and he just gave me a cuddle and said "ah you're so proud and sensitive" again laughing

Is he like this when your in laws aren't around?

MarigoldMoonStone · 22/10/2022 12:36

Sounds like he is on a power trip, especially when his parents are there because he knows you won't argue.

moose62 · 22/10/2022 12:38

I think he is trying to show his parents that he is the boss and you are stupid. Obviously important for him to be the big man. Wouldn't work for me I'm afraid!

nutbrownhare15 · 22/10/2022 12:39

Does he often undermine, belittle and patronise you? Does he pull his weight on the house and childcare? No adult women should be told off by her partner especially not in front of her parents in law. And he even admits that he does it.

FinallyHere · 22/10/2022 12:40

I don't say anything

This. This was a good start.

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I would wait for a private moment to tell him that you are giving him one chance. He needs to stop treating you like this, absolutely full stop and certainly not in private and especially not in front of any audience.

If he can't remember that and chance his behaviour, you are not a team so you will not be staying around. No drama but very calm, deadly serious.

Then if he does ever forget, his name, 'the look' then remove yourself and your child from the situation. And decide from there what you are going to do.

ScreamingInfidelities · 22/10/2022 12:40

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:29

PiL were laughing awkwardly. MiL said "he'll be telling you about how much loo roll to use next" and then DH joked "absolutely!"

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I don't know. I feel like he always gets at me and nitpicks when his parents are around. Asks me to fetch stuff from the fridge etc and it's impossible to say no without seeming petty and making it awkward. Like now I'm the mad one for being a bit upset about a joke about kitchen roll but I can't explain it...it just feels so undermining and like I'm a child in my own house. I tried to explain this to me him and he just gave me a cuddle and said "ah you're so proud and sensitive" again laughing

Patronising arsehole. There’s no way I’d tolerate this shit from my DH.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2022 12:44

Your husband is an absolute fucking arsehole. It's very concerning that you allow him to treat you this way.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/10/2022 12:45

Urgh this is horrible
Micro managing you
Patronising you
Criticising you
Then completely invalidating your feelings when you tried to talk to him

Everyone has little irritations and does things differently to their partners but it doesnt mean their way is the only right way.

He could have waited and seen if youd cleared up the snack. If you had, then why does it matter, it doesn't affect him at all.

He could have got kitchen roll himself. Or asked for a couple of bits. Or just used a couple of bits and put two back. But instead he told you off infront of others which implies he is your boss.

Does he act like that normally or just when his parents are there or was it a one off? I think you need some neutral comeback like 'oh ok well I'm happy for you to do it if you've got a preference for how its done' and walk off, to take the wind out of his sails but make clear you won't be treated like a child/employee infront of others. If he does it when it's just you then you need to be asking why he thinks he can tell you how to do things, no one likes a micro manager and his way is not necessarily the best, you are an adult and as long as it's not negatively affecting him you will act as you see fit

YouSoundLovely · 22/10/2022 12:50

FinallyHere · 22/10/2022 12:40

I don't say anything

This. This was a good start.

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I would wait for a private moment to tell him that you are giving him one chance. He needs to stop treating you like this, absolutely full stop and certainly not in private and especially not in front of any audience.

If he can't remember that and chance his behaviour, you are not a team so you will not be staying around. No drama but very calm, deadly serious.

Then if he does ever forget, his name, 'the look' then remove yourself and your child from the situation. And decide from there what you are going to do.

All of this.