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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I have a 2nd opinion on this conversation?

74 replies

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:01

MiL and FiL staying. They worship the ground my DH walks on.

I came back with DS from football. I give him a snack.

DH: "oh you shouldn't give him those, they're too messy"
I don't say anything
DH: "get me some kitchen roll and ill clear him up"
I grab some and give it to DH
DH: "oh you don't need 4 sheets" he is laughing.
MiL and FiL start laughing too
I say "ah well can you clean him up?"
DH: "seriously though haven't you heard of the cost of living crisis. I mean 4 sheets. Do you know how expensive it is"

This went on for another 5 mins. He didn't even clear up DS.

I find it so irritating. He thinks I'm bad tempered.

Its annoying someone being so petty?

He then said "are you mad because I told you off about the kitchen roll"

And I said "you don't tell me off"

And he said "give me strength"

Am I being a dick? I genuinely don't know.

OP posts:
CamillasToe · 22/10/2022 14:38

He's bullying you in a passive aggressive way

Delilahonabike · 22/10/2022 14:48

Fuck that, I'm afraid I would have told him to fuck off and stop being so patronising PIL's or no PIL's and regardless of any 'awkwardness'. Don't put up with being spoken to like that OP, call it out and point out the disrespect and condescension every single time, basically make it more awkward for him than it is for everyone else. And then privately tell your H if he ever speaks to you that way again you will divorce him, and mean it. I would be livid and not bothering to hide it from anyone Angry

Fairislefandango · 22/10/2022 15:04

Wow - what an utter twat. Tell him (calmly, and preferably a bit patronisingly) that his attitude is unacceptable, and that he is supposed to be an adult so there is really no need for him to show off in front of his parents. Tell him you have no desire to be married to a man who thinks it's ok to lecture his wife. Tell him it's extremely unattractive and that you're embarrassed for him. He needs to be made to feel that his behaviour makes him look like an idiot, not you.

onlywishfulthinking · 22/10/2022 15:14

Fairislefandango · 22/10/2022 15:04

Wow - what an utter twat. Tell him (calmly, and preferably a bit patronisingly) that his attitude is unacceptable, and that he is supposed to be an adult so there is really no need for him to show off in front of his parents. Tell him you have no desire to be married to a man who thinks it's ok to lecture his wife. Tell him it's extremely unattractive and that you're embarrassed for him. He needs to be made to feel that his behaviour makes him look like an idiot, not you.

Exactly this.

BankseyVest · 22/10/2022 15:19

5 mind of making a joke about kitchen roll would be grating. Next time just tell him was funny 5 mins ago but not now. Next time he asks give him half a sheet and laugh

TugboatAnnie · 22/10/2022 15:33

Interesting that you are petty in response but he is not petty in the first place. If only he realised what a twat he sounded in front of his parents!

Terftrain · 22/10/2022 15:41

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/10/2022 14:16

Sounds like his mother is scared of him as well.

Do you have children together?

A child is mentioned in the third sentence of the OP Confused

Babasghost · 22/10/2022 15:46

Worthyornot · 22/10/2022 12:10

Sounds like he was doing it for the benefit of showing off to his parents. I would be very upset by this. 4 sheets is a waste but that's something he doesn't get to bring up in front of his parents.

100% this.
It was undermining for an audience.

StickofVeg · 22/10/2022 15:50

Exactly what @Aquamarine1029 said! He enjoys controlling you, he's playing up to his parents in a "oh my word! see what I have to put up with here" and it's toxic. Has he always been like this or is just recent tomdickery? I'd suggest counselling together so he can identify his behaviour and try to change it.

stuntbubbles · 22/10/2022 16:01

He sounds awful. When it finally wears you down enough, serve the divorce papers wrapped in four pieces of kitchen roll.

georgarina · 22/10/2022 16:02

Sounds like PILs have caught on to his behaviour, which is good.

It's not right. WTF was "I'm joking not joking" supposed to mean? Next time reply in a normal tone of voice, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sorry OP but he sounds like really bad news. You don't want to be worn down for 30 years until you don't know which way is up...

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 16:03

Got twins with him. 4 years old. Both boys.

If it wasn't for them and the house - I'd be gone. My gut is telling me it isn't right and now you lot seem to be agreeing. Despite only sharing a silly conversation you all seem to understand why it makes me feel bad

OP posts:
janj2301 · 22/10/2022 16:09

I can be petty I'd have gone and got more kitchen roll and cleaned child myself

Delilahonabike · 22/10/2022 16:27

Actually (having thought a bit more calmly) there is probably a less inflammatory stance than my previous post which may well work better! A very direct (private) conversation where you say 'did you realise what a twat you made of yourself in front of your parents earlier? They looked so awkward, please don't put them or me in that position ever again' calmly and while fixing him with a steely glare would certainly be worth a try before going the nuclear route.

knittingaddict · 22/10/2022 16:29

It was all a joke but DH came over to me and said quietly "I'm joking not joking"

I don't like that one little bit. It sounds sinister. Is that how it felt op?

Cruisebabe1 · 22/10/2022 16:43

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 13:27

I feel pretty pathetic. He's definitely worse in front of people.

I can stand up for myself at work and in other situations

And I try at home. But somehow I always feel like I'm the one making the issue.

He doesn't help at all right now as he's got a bad back

MiL worships him and fawns over him. But funnily enough she gave me a funny look and said "you bear the brunt when he's unwell eh" when he was out of earshot

Then his mother can take him home with her!!

Cruisebabe1 · 22/10/2022 16:45

stuntbubbles · 22/10/2022 16:01

He sounds awful. When it finally wears you down enough, serve the divorce papers wrapped in four pieces of kitchen roll.

Lol 😂😂😂

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 16:54

I have suggested counselling before during a bad spell and he got v angry. Kept saying "I don't need counselling. I love you and I'm happy etc". When I said but I'm not happy he got v upset "this is bullshit" crying and crying and refusing to look at me. And somehow it all got dropped. @StickofVeg

I could suggest it again. I think he'd go for it if he really thought he was gonna lose me. But I don't really trust what men do or say at that point cos they'll usually say they'll agree to anything. That's what I've found anyway. And it never proves true.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 22/10/2022 16:56

Reading about your painfully unfunny husband is making my skin crawl.

He sounds sly, arrogant, controlling, and all round fucking awful.

You deserve so much better. Don't let your little boys grow up to think this is how a relationship should work.

Topgub · 22/10/2022 16:56

@Yorks4eva

What do you want to happen long term?

Are you willing to put up with this indefinitely?

Because if you don't stop putting up with it, nothing will change

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 16:56

How do I make him understand its not about kitchen roll? He always just focuses in on the thing. So if he's not helping out and I say something he'll be like "ill do some bloody washing" he can't seem to see it's about support etc rather than just kitchen roll or washing or whatever the latest thing is

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 22/10/2022 16:58

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 16:56

How do I make him understand its not about kitchen roll? He always just focuses in on the thing. So if he's not helping out and I say something he'll be like "ill do some bloody washing" he can't seem to see it's about support etc rather than just kitchen roll or washing or whatever the latest thing is

Could you write him a letter laying it out? That it’s a pattern of behaviour etc.

stuntbubbles · 22/10/2022 17:38

It benefits him to make it about the single thing – washing up, kitchen roll, DS’ particular snack – because then he can stop doing that single thing and pretend he’s changed/participated/listened to you, while transferring over his shitty behaviour to the next single thing.

He may not agree to going to counselling WITH you, but I think you’d benefit from going to counselling solo, tbh – to help you unpack all his awfulness and what you want to happen. You can’t change him; you can change you.

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 20:22

@stuntbubbles Yes I think you're right. We split before we had kids once because he wasn't v caring. He sent me flowers every week until I took him back. Like a complete idiot. And I've never had flowers again. Not that I care about flowers but he'll do exactly what he needs to do to get me off his back but it's all for him and him keeping me rather than genuinely wanting me to b happy

I did see a therapist once. She told me to listen to my gut more. She said I know what's going on but I need to listen to it more.

My gut is telling me now it's all pointless. But the practical side of things feels completely unachievable in terms of leaving. I start to think about it and within 5 mins I've told myself it's totally undoable

OP posts:
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