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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I have a 2nd opinion on this conversation?

74 replies

Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 12:01

MiL and FiL staying. They worship the ground my DH walks on.

I came back with DS from football. I give him a snack.

DH: "oh you shouldn't give him those, they're too messy"
I don't say anything
DH: "get me some kitchen roll and ill clear him up"
I grab some and give it to DH
DH: "oh you don't need 4 sheets" he is laughing.
MiL and FiL start laughing too
I say "ah well can you clean him up?"
DH: "seriously though haven't you heard of the cost of living crisis. I mean 4 sheets. Do you know how expensive it is"

This went on for another 5 mins. He didn't even clear up DS.

I find it so irritating. He thinks I'm bad tempered.

Its annoying someone being so petty?

He then said "are you mad because I told you off about the kitchen roll"

And I said "you don't tell me off"

And he said "give me strength"

Am I being a dick? I genuinely don't know.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 22/10/2022 12:51

Yes, he's a prick.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/10/2022 13:05

In the time he spent bitching and moaning about it he could have cleaned up your son himself, using as many or as few sheets as he pleased.

I think I’d have told him “I’ll waste the entire roll in a minute by shoving it up your arse”.

MistyFrequencies · 22/10/2022 13:11

The bit where he says "im joking not joking" quietly to you made my blood run cold.
Hes very controlling.
You are in absolutely no way unreasonable.

Rainbowpurple · 22/10/2022 13:21

Condescending and critical controlling behaviour which will only escalate as he gets older / grumpier.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/10/2022 13:22

Who made this fucker king of the house? He thinks he can "tell you off" wtf. Next time the PILs are around fucking show him up - see how he likes it, or kick him out, the useless cunt that he is.

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 13:27

I feel pretty pathetic. He's definitely worse in front of people.

I can stand up for myself at work and in other situations

And I try at home. But somehow I always feel like I'm the one making the issue.

He doesn't help at all right now as he's got a bad back

MiL worships him and fawns over him. But funnily enough she gave me a funny look and said "you bear the brunt when he's unwell eh" when he was out of earshot

OP posts:
jetadore · 22/10/2022 13:32

Often I notice people (myself and dh included) behave differently in front of their parents. It’s like a regression to a childhood state or something. If this type of thing only happens when they’re around then speak to yr dh about it, he may not even be aware of it. If he’s like this all the time then you have a dh problem.

Topgub · 22/10/2022 13:32

@Yorks4eva

You are definitely not the issue and you need to stop tolerating this.

Unless his bad back his completely debilitating he needs to do at least what he can manage

You dont want your child brought up thinking this is normal.

Timeforanautumnal · 22/10/2022 13:36

He's controlling.

For his own mother - who adores him - to notice this, to try to defuse the situation and to quietly support you via her comment to you ... that must mean that other people must notice him treating you poorly.

Chikapu · 22/10/2022 13:36

He sounds like a pathetic little twunt who wants to show he's the king of the house in front of his parents.

thejadefish · 22/10/2022 13:38

Sounds to me like PiL thought he was out of line from how they responded (which yes he was out of order). Also sounds like he's trying to be controlling especially as he banged on about it for ages AND didn't clear up anyway - that negates his "point". I'm rubbish at witty (or otherwise) comebacks in the moment but replying "just use 2 sheets and put the others back then, that's not a problem is it?" is what I probably would have said (albeit maybe I would have been concerned about causing a scene and kept quiet intending to talk to him later, difficult to say as I wasn't in that situation). You'll have to talk to him about it because that wasn't on, you are equals and should be treated with respect. If he keeps on doing this sort of thing though and won't change you'll need to have a long hard look at your relationship and decide if it's worth it and what your options are. Hope things improve.

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 13:54

@FinallyHere I will definitely try having a stern word. I have tried before about things but it never goes well. I don't think I've ever persuaded him there is an issue.

That's why I posted. He says I'm sensitive and proud and pick up on petty stuff too much. And perhaps I do. But it makes me feel shit.

OP posts:
Topgub · 22/10/2022 13:58

Show him the thread?

FinallyHere · 22/10/2022 14:00

Agreed

don't think I've ever persuaded him there is an issue.

Show, not tell.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 22/10/2022 14:00

He sounds terrible. You are definitely not being sensitive or unreasonable.

OfficerArrestThatRuffian · 22/10/2022 14:01

He sounds like an absolute twatweasel. The 'joking, not joking' aside means he knows other people would think so if they heard what he said to you. So he said it on the quiet instead.

His mother had clearly noticed he's treating you badly and is trying to support you by jokingly drawing his attention to his behaviour. If I were his mother I'd be taking him to one side and telling him to pack it in before his wife justifiably leaves him and everyone applauds. But she sounds nervous of him herself.

Asking22 · 22/10/2022 14:03

Controlling and gaslighting you into doubting his controlling behaviour. The fact that his own parents acknowledge his treatment of you speaks volumes.

AwfulTed · 22/10/2022 14:07

These types of interactions really wear you down, death (of the relationship)by 1000 cuts

TempName01 · 22/10/2022 14:07

I would have ripped a tiny piece off and taken the rest back

Original poster
Yorks4eva · 22/10/2022 14:09

I think MiL meant bear the brunt of the childcare/house stuff as I had both kids and was tidying up when he said it. But she gave me on those looks....like she was trying to show support without saying anything

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 22/10/2022 14:16

Sounds like his mother is scared of him as well.

Do you have children together?

blubberyboo · 22/10/2022 14:21

I think you should stop being afraid of calling him out on this behaviour in front of them.

it’s not petty and you can get your point across easily without it escalating.

state firmly
you are not my manager .. get it yourself
every single time
and walk off

even laugh at the end so he know YOU are also joking not joking

DucklingDaisy · 22/10/2022 14:23

If he’s bad enough for his adoring mother to feel the need to offer support to you like that, he’s clearly pretty vile. He sounds horrible and bullying from your description.

Passthetena · 22/10/2022 14:32

My ex husband was like this. He used to tell me I'd loaded the cutlery in the dishwasher incorrectly for example. It's one of the main reasons we are no longer together. As silly as it may sound to divorce over a dishwasher (or in your case, kitchen roll) one day being told you are wrong every single time you do something will just break you. Don't let it get to that point. Have a word and if nothing changes have a serious think about how you want to continue. I'm not saying ltb or anything but don't let yourself be beaten down.

been and done it. · 22/10/2022 14:34

waterwitch · 22/10/2022 12:31

I really wouldn’t put up with being ‘told off’. That’s not an appropriate way to treat your partner. That’s my position FWIW

My husband often tells me off for back answering..literally.. I want to punch him in his face