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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is being insensitive?

69 replies

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:15

There’s an event coming up that our children want to attend but for various reasons we don’t want to take them to this year. Neither child is very happy about it but don’t bring it up.

For some reason my DH keeps mentioning it. This morning he has asked one child whether all of their friends are attending. WTF?! He is denying that he is being insensitive and claims he is just having a “normal conversation”. He is claiming I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and it must be my guilty conscience talking when I’ve got annoyed at him.

I don’t see any reason to bring it up at all and remind the children about it when they have reluctantly accepted they aren’t going and aren’t mentioning it. For clarity he isn’t asking because he is considering taking them though it’s possible he is trying to guilt me into doing so.

OP posts:
MeowMeowPowerRangers · 22/10/2022 11:16

What event is if?

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 11:20

Where was the question leading? I’ve asked similar of my DC to see if another friend is also not going to then suggest they get together for a day out or a sleepover during the weekend the event they are both not going to is happening.

Did you let him finish, or did you cut him off?

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 11:21

Why don’t you want to take them?

Original poster
Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:24

I didn’t cut him off and the question wasn’t leading anywhere. The child replied that all of their friends were going. I asked DH why he was asking as it was insensitive and he asked our child if he shouldn’t talk about it. Child’s response was to say yes as we are the ones saying he can’t go.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/10/2022 11:24

Does he agree with the decision not to go or does he want to but you have said no?

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 11:25

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 11:24

Does he agree with the decision not to go or does he want to but you have said no?

Yes good question. I note also the op says don’t want to, rather than can’t.

RonSwansonsChair · 22/10/2022 11:26

Why can't they go? Perhaps your DH doesn't agree with the reason

Boredsoentertainme · 22/10/2022 11:27

What actually is it that all the other kids are going to but you don’t want to take your kids to? And again why don’t you want to?

Original poster
Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:30

I don’t want to go as it’s another commitment in an overloaded calendar and it’s going to take up an entire day. It’s not a particularly exciting event and they only want to go because they want to go to everything. Usually they do but this once I’ve said no I want one day without having to be somewhere at a certain time.

DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself.

OP posts:
Obki · 22/10/2022 11:33

FFS why are people questioning OP on why they can’t go?!

Sorry for the lack of comprehension by some OP.

YANBU, he’s rubbing their faces in it. It’s good you called him out and it’s good your children said yes they don’t want to talk about it.

OP83 · 22/10/2022 11:33

I suspect that your husband is trying to 'feel out' how important (comparatively) this particular event is to the kids to see if it is worth reconsidering.

I also suspect that the kids must be mentioning it too. If it's a child-centric event then I can't imagine any man bringing it up, risking ending up going for a whole day when the subject was 'dead and buried'.

FionnulaTheCooler · 22/10/2022 11:35

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:30

I don’t want to go as it’s another commitment in an overloaded calendar and it’s going to take up an entire day. It’s not a particularly exciting event and they only want to go because they want to go to everything. Usually they do but this once I’ve said no I want one day without having to be somewhere at a certain time.

DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself.

Have you told him he's welcome to take them himself if he wants to, and its your turn to get a day to yourself?

CharlotteStreet · 22/10/2022 11:35

Well why doesn't he take them? Or can they go with another child's family?

OP83 · 22/10/2022 11:36

Obki · 22/10/2022 11:33

FFS why are people questioning OP on why they can’t go?!

Sorry for the lack of comprehension by some OP.

YANBU, he’s rubbing their faces in it. It’s good you called him out and it’s good your children said yes they don’t want to talk about it.

Because it's important to know. If someone asks for advice then it isn't unreasonable for people to ask for information that may be relevant.

We can't always jump to the conclusion that, because there's children and a husband involved that the husband is being an arsehole without cause and the poster is the poor, suffering wife stuck in the middle (this may be the case but, I'm aware this is MN, but it isn't always).

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 11:37

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:30

I don’t want to go as it’s another commitment in an overloaded calendar and it’s going to take up an entire day. It’s not a particularly exciting event and they only want to go because they want to go to everything. Usually they do but this once I’ve said no I want one day without having to be somewhere at a certain time.

DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself.

Did you just tell the DCs “no, you’re not going” without discussing with your DH? and asking him if he would take them instead of you?

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 11:38

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:24

I didn’t cut him off and the question wasn’t leading anywhere. The child replied that all of their friends were going. I asked DH why he was asking as it was insensitive and he asked our child if he shouldn’t talk about it. Child’s response was to say yes as we are the ones saying he can’t go.

Ah so you did cut him off.

Original poster
Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:39

The kids only mention it when he brings it up. He could easily take them and I’ve suggested he does but he hasn’t done anything about it. I’m happy for him to go with them but for once I’ve said no. All of my weekends are taken up with parties, clubs and other commitments and I just want one day to potter at home, do some housework etc

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 22/10/2022 11:40

Next time he mentions it, tell him he can take them without you if he wants to.

gamerchick · 22/10/2022 11:41

It'll be to guilt you so he can have the day to himself.

Tell him to pack it the fuck in. Stick to your guns. He can take them if he's that bothered.

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 11:41

He could easily take them and I’ve suggested he does but he hasn’t done anything about it.

I would think talking to he DCs to gauge how important it is to them, what other friends are going is doing something about it. If he’s undecided about taking them. But you cut him off, so we’ll never know where that was leading.

Original poster
Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:45

@Discovereads you seem determined to try and catch me out?
I did not cut him off. He asked the question, child replied and DH then said nothing which is why I asked him why he was being insensitive. If he had any ideas about arranging something else he would have said so. He didn’t and he doesn’t.

He has had ample opportunity to sort tickets to take them himself if he wanted to. He hasn’t. I told him my reasons for not wanting to go this time ( and believe me it’s the one and only time I’ve said no to taking them to something) and he agreed. I’ve told him he can take them if he wants but strangely he just went quiet.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 22/10/2022 11:46

He probably wants to cave in and say you’ll take the kids and then he gets a day to himself!

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2022 11:46

Why didn't you just suggest that he takes them? Especially if they're really disappointed to not be going.

I'd feel bad that my children were disappointed just because I wanted a day to myself but I can understand you've got a busy time at the moment.

I feel a bit sorry for the kids to be honest.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/10/2022 11:46

Agree with the others. If he mentions it again to the children instead of shutting the conversation down just say " the car is free if you want to take them!" and walk away. Let him deal with the kids asking him to take them instead.

Hes trying to turn you into the bad guy, stop affirming that by turning it around back onto him. Unfortunately your kids get caught up in the crossfire but it will only take the once compared to him guilting you for years (and kids still being caught up in it).

Original poster
Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:47

@gamerchick yes I think you’ve got it. I’ve just realised there’s a football match on the same day which is why he probably wants me and them out of the house.

OP posts:
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