To think my DH is being insensitive?

[Manaslave18]

There’s an event coming up that our children want to attend but for various reasons we don’t want to take them to this year. Neither child is very happy about it but don’t bring it up.

For some reason my DH keeps mentioning it. This morning he has asked one child whether all of their friends are attending. WTF?! He is denying that he is being insensitive and claims he is just having a “normal conversation”. He is claiming I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and it must be my guilty conscience talking when I’ve got annoyed at him.

I don’t see any reason to bring it up at all and remind the children about it when they have reluctantly accepted they aren’t going and aren’t mentioning it. For clarity he isn’t asking because he is considering taking them though it’s possible he is trying to guilt me into doing so.

"For clarity he isn’t asking because he is considering taking them though it’s possible he is trying to guilt me into doing so."

"DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself."

"He says he’s not doing anything wrong by bringing it up and that if I think he is being insensitive and goady that it must be that I have a guilty conscience."

Your husband is not insensitive. He is MANIPULATIVE. And a little bit thick, and a big bit wanker.

"I’ve just realised there’s a football match on the same day which is why he probably wants me and them out of the house."

"All of my weekends are taken up with parties, clubs and other commitments and I just want one day to potter at home, do some housework etc"

Can I just suggest that you decide to spend several hours of your pottering-about day wielding the hoover? Not in the morning but in the afternoon? About 3-ish onwards?

And the wider point, does he pull his weight with the parties, clubs etc? Because if he doesn't, I'd be loading him up with these commitments.

@thelobsterquadrille haven’t I just! Mums et is odd at times.
@YouSoundLovely I know it’s a part of being a parent and it isn’t what my thread is about. I’m not trying to make any point by not going to this event ( and calling it an event might be making it sound like more than it is). I’ve simply decided that after a busy few weeks and with a busy few months ahead I’m going to give one thing a miss and give myself a break. I don’t think kids need to attend absolutely everything and with Halloween, firework night, Christmas and various other parties coming up they are hardly hard done by. DH is free to take them if he wishes but doesn’t want to either ( for the same reasons as me!).
What I don’t understand is why he keeps talking about it. Either he’s going to take them ( he isn’t and hasn’t) or he is trying to make me look or feel bad so that I cave and go. I won’t because I don't think I’m in the wrong for deciding that it’s ok to say no just once yet even on this thread I’ve had people suggesting I am.

You are doing the right thing op and the voting agrees with you.

Yes your DH is being insensitive and you are NBU
What did he said when you asked why he keeps bringing it up?

OP, I do get the need to have a break - I guess without knowing what the thing/event/whatever is, it's hard for us to see that actually this isn't as unfair on your dc as it might sound. And the wider point stands - I infer from your posts that you are the one doing all the taking and collecting while your dh sits back? And that if you were sharing things more equally, you perhaps wouldn't feel the need to have this break/take this stand? If you're genuinely both constantly running around taking and collecting every weekend, then things change again, but there's a general situation under the surface of your post that you seem to want to reduce to him bringing up this 'thing'. But it seems to me that one day off for you isn't going to fix this dynamic in the long term.

That he was just having a “normal conversation” and asking a “simple question”. When I said it was insensitive and that knowing they aren’t attending he should just not mention it as it seems a bit taunting he said it was just my “guilty conscience” talking. I mentioned again that he could take them but he just ignored me.

He does get involved in ferrying them around and we both have had and have busy weekends coming up.

He's being a tit. I'd tell him very firmly that if he brings the issue up again with the children then he WILL end up taking them to said event because regularly reminding them that their friends are going without them is unfair of him.

I’d suggest to him that you are at peace with your decision, so perhaps he should examine his own conscience.

OP just tell him, you're not going to o be manipulated just because he wants a bit of peace to watch the football. So stfu or take them himself. Sometimes shit needs to be twatted head on.

Wow, some of the replied to op are stunning, some posters need to go remove their shoes, socks and fight with their own toenails because all they're trying to do is rise an argument. OP you're husband is being a duck, he's letting the kids know that he thinks they should go to the event knowing that as it's usually you doing the running around with them they'll expect you to bring them, its very sly pressure he's applying. You need your time off to do whatever you wish (or nothing at all) so if he mentions it again or indeed if the children do just say that your not going but Dad is welcome to if he wants. Ignore the shits looking to argue here, they're just bored (and boring).

Standard MN response “Ignore everyone that disagrees with you as they’re ignorant” 🙄

Yeah he's blatantly trying to get pester power to guilt you into taking them to get you all out of the house.

What a knob.

Fucking hell, give it a rest. You do like go on and on with your own narrative, don’t you?

Fucking hell, give it a rest. You do like go on and on with your own narrative, don’t you?

That was at @Discovereads. A bug appears to have removed the quote to which I was referring.

You also seem unable to tell time. “Fucking hell give it rest”- is that really necessary to say to someone who gave it a rest OVER FOUR HOURS before you posted that? I mean, WTAF. 🤪

"DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself."

He wants the day to himself and is prodding them to show their unhappiness so you'll be guilt-tripped into taking them.

"He does get involved in ferrying them around and we both have had and have busy weekends coming up."

Aha. Think we have found the cause here. Like you, he understandably wants a day off from the continual ferrying children around. Yes, taking kids to stuff is part of being a parent but there's no law, moral or otherwise, that you have to do it every single weekend day from the time they are 2 years old until they are 13 or 16 or 18 years old (however old they need to be to ride a bus on their own and get to these places without your help). You are allowed to have periodic "quiet days" to just chill as a family.

Agree with the person who said kids need to learn that as part of a family not every single thing is about them. Safety, being properly fed and clothed and housed, getting to school and so on, and having some fun in life, all of that is about them. But they can be happy even if, horrors, they occasionally do not go to every single thing.

Agree with the person who said kids need to learn that as part of a family not every single thing is about them.

But that isn't the issue. The DCs have been told they're not going and have accepted it, even if a little grudgingly. But let it drop, don't keep reminding them. The issue is that their dick of a father keeps asking them questions about it. asking if all their friends are going just to remind them that they're not. he's even asked them if he shouldn't talk about it and they've said yes.

I agree OP, he's trying to get you to give in and take them. Do as PPs have suggested and turn it back on him. You say you've said several times to him that he can take them - have you ever done it in front of the kids? A generous dose of pester power wouldn't hurt him.