Page 2 | To think my DH is being insensitive?

Manaslave18 · 2022-10-22T10:15:20+00:00

There’s an event coming up that our children want to attend but for various reasons we don’t want to take them to this year. Neither child is very happy about it but don’t bring it up. For some reason my DH keeps mentioning it. This morning he has asked one child whether all of their friends are attending. WTF?! He is denying that he is being insensitive and claims he is just having a “normal conversation”. He is claiming I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and it must be my guilty conscience talking when I’ve got annoyed at him. I don’t see any reason to bring it up at all and remind the children about it when they have reluctantly accepted they aren’t going and aren’t mentioning it. For clarity he isn’t asking because he is considering taking them though it’s possible he is trying to guilt me into doing so.

RonSwansonsChair · 22/10/2022 11:52

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:30

I don’t want to go as it’s another commitment in an overloaded calendar and it’s going to take up an entire day. It’s not a particularly exciting event and they only want to go because they want to go to everything. Usually they do but this once I’ve said no I want one day without having to be somewhere at a certain time.

DH could always have arranged to take them if he felt differently but he hasn’t. I think he would be quite happy for me to take them as I previously have while he has the day to himself.

You need to change your message to the DC. You don't want to go, but you're happy for daddy to take them. You've a lot on, and want a break that day. DH and the kids can go, and you'll have a lovely dinner (or whatever....) waiting when they get home.

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 11:52

Pixiedust1234 · 22/10/2022 11:46

Agree with the others. If he mentions it again to the children instead of shutting the conversation down just say " the car is free if you want to take them!" and walk away. Let him deal with the kids asking him to take them instead.

Hes trying to turn you into the bad guy, stop affirming that by turning it around back onto him. Unfortunately your kids get caught up in the crossfire but it will only take the once compared to him guilting you for years (and kids still being caught up in it).

Yep, agree with this. Don’t cut him off. Suggest that he take them (for once) in front of the DC.

OP- Im not trying to “catch you out”. I’m trying to get all the facts to see what you can do.

OP83 · 22/10/2022 11:52

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:47

@gamerchick yes I think you’ve got it. I’ve just realised there’s a football match on the same day which is why he probably wants me and them out of the house.

You've just said that you're not busy that day but want the day to yourself to potter so how is that any different?

Personally it sounds like he's trying to gauge how important it is to them (although his intentions after that are unclear). Maybe he's seeing who else is going so he can convince one of the other parents to take your kids too.

If he's just being an arsehole then fair enough but why would you be asking for advice if it was that clear cut?

billy1966 · 22/10/2022 11:54

He sounds awful.

Of course you should say that as he insists on mentioning it HE should bring them.

Ask him why HE won't bring his children for ONCE.

What a waster.

Of course YANBU to say no to EVERY weekend being fully taken up with things.

Years ago we used to get party invites for 5pm on a sunday and unless is was a very close friend I said nope.

If I didn't it meant we never got a spare minute, particularly during the winter.

He sounds very selfish.

Original poster

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 11:54

@rainbowstardrops I’ve told him several times he can take them but that I won’t be. He doesn’t want to go either.
The kids are disappointed I’m sure but I honestly don’t think it’s on their minds until it is brought up. It’s not an exciting event, they got a bit bored last time and of course not all of their friends are going. But kids being kids will want to go as they don’t recall being bored previously. Without going into detail it’s something that happens a few times a year and they are going to the next one.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 22/10/2022 11:58

If it matters enough to the children to be upsetting for it to be mentioned, take them. You say you don't want to as you want a day without needing to be somewhere. I appreciate the feeling but would absolutely suck it up and do it for the children. Why does their thing have to be the thing that goes?

Original poster

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 12:00

@Discovereads because you are obsessed with me having cut him off despite me telling you I didn’t. He had stopped talking. Besides even if I had DH is not the sort of person to meekly sit there he would have explained the reason and what ideas he had. He didn’t have any ideas which is why I’m so bewildered as to why he asked what I see as an insensitive taunting question.
I can assure you all he has no intention of taking them himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 12:02

@Snugglemonkey it isn’t upsetting them as I’ve said they don’t think about it until DH brings it up. And it’s not like this is the one thing they’d enjoy and all other weekends are boring for them. It’s their endless rounds of parties, play dates and activities that are the reason my weekends are usually taken up.

OP posts:

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 12:06

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 12:00

@Discovereads because you are obsessed with me having cut him off despite me telling you I didn’t. He had stopped talking. Besides even if I had DH is not the sort of person to meekly sit there he would have explained the reason and what ideas he had. He didn’t have any ideas which is why I’m so bewildered as to why he asked what I see as an insensitive taunting question.
I can assure you all he has no intention of taking them himself.

Rather you seem obsessed with claiming you didn’t. But it’s clear you stepped in/interjected to end the conversation and sweep it all under the rug.

As pp have said, it makes you look like the bag guy not wanting anyone to talk about it.

Trying to help you see better way to handle this. And that is to let the discussion happen with you suggesting that he take them or maybe a parent of a friend take them…be more solution oriented rather than shut down the conversation.

OP83 · 22/10/2022 12:06

So neither of you want to go? You want a day to chill and potter, he (you suspect) wants to watch the football. Neither of those is more or less valid and the children's 'wants' don't always need to come first...so fair enough.

What I can't understand is why, it was already decided that none of you were going, he would keep bringing it up. Unless he has a history of being malicious to the kids then the only logical assumption is that he is either trying to make alternative arrangements for them to go with someone else OR hasn't completely written off the idea of taking them (but wants to ensure it's important enough to them before he commits to giving up a 'day off').

No man, having being given the all-clear from going to a kids' event and being free and able to watch football is going to continue to poke at the subject when it's already been settled (unless he hasn't yet written the idea off completed OR is simply being a dick).

SparklingLime · 22/10/2022 12:12

OP83 · 22/10/2022 11:33

I suspect that your husband is trying to 'feel out' how important (comparatively) this particular event is to the kids to see if it is worth reconsidering.

I also suspect that the kids must be mentioning it too. If it's a child-centric event then I can't imagine any man bringing it up, risking ending up going for a whole day when the subject was 'dead and buried'.

And I suspect he’s being a bit of a prick.

Isaidnoalready · 22/10/2022 12:12

Next time he does it say infront of the kids the car is free carry on im busy

And why is your calender so full? Do you not have any time to yourself?

Original poster

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 12:15

I don’t know how many times I can say I didn’t shut down the conversation as it had ended. I sat there looking at him wondering why he had brought it up and he just turned back to his gaming and carried on as though nothing had happened. I’ve suggested to him many times that he can take them and he’s not interested.

He says he’s not doing anything wrong by bringing it up and that if I think he is being insensitive and goady that it must be that I have a guilty conscience.

I think whoever said he is trying to make me look like the bad guy is right. He has form for playing good cop to my bad cop.

OP posts:

OP83 · 22/10/2022 12:21

Manaslave18 · 22/10/2022 12:15

I don’t know how many times I can say I didn’t shut down the conversation as it had ended. I sat there looking at him wondering why he had brought it up and he just turned back to his gaming and carried on as though nothing had happened. I’ve suggested to him many times that he can take them and he’s not interested.

He says he’s not doing anything wrong by bringing it up and that if I think he is being insensitive and goady that it must be that I have a guilty conscience.

I think whoever said he is trying to make me look like the bad guy is right. He has form for playing good cop to my bad cop.

Ooooh…Subtly slipping into conversation that he’s a gamer…The ULTIMATE Munsnet power move! If that doesn’t have everyone agreeing that he’s being an arsehole then nothing will! 😂

YellowTreeHouse · 22/10/2022 12:22

Oh how miserly. You won’t take them for no other reason than you want to sit at home?

You’re a parent fgs.

Topgub · 22/10/2022 12:24

He's not being insensitive, he's being a prick.

Next time your supposed to be going somewhere make it clear he's taking the kids on his own or make sure you book a day out on your own and leave him with the kids

Sirzy · 22/10/2022 12:25

YellowTreeHouse · 22/10/2022 12:22

Oh how miserly. You won’t take them for no other reason than you want to sit at home?

You’re a parent fgs.

So is he so as he is making a thing about it he can take his children!

Topgub · 22/10/2022 12:25

@YellowTreeHouse

Huh

Here was me thinking that being a parent meant teaching your kids not to be spoilt brats who think they can get to do everything they want, regardless of what anyone else wants

Obki · 22/10/2022 12:27

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 12:06

Rather you seem obsessed with claiming you didn’t. But it’s clear you stepped in/interjected to end the conversation and sweep it all under the rug.

As pp have said, it makes you look like the bag guy not wanting anyone to talk about it.

Trying to help you see better way to handle this. And that is to let the discussion happen with you suggesting that he take them or maybe a parent of a friend take them…be more solution oriented rather than shut down the conversation.

Show quote history

Another day and another thread where you try to gaslight an OP, @Discovereads .

Discovereads · 22/10/2022 12:32

Obki · 22/10/2022 12:27

Another day and another thread where you try to gaslight an OP, @Discovereads .

Show quote history

Another day and another thread where you leap to unfounded conclusions that are usually worst case scenarios@Obki

thelobsterquadrille · 22/10/2022 12:33

You've had some odd responses here OP.

I agree with you - your DH is being mean by mentioning this event when he clearly has no intention of taking the DC to it.

It's also perfectly okay for you to want a day off.

YouSoundLovely · 22/10/2022 12:45

The 'endless rounds' of parties, playdates etc are part of being a parent. Your posts imply that you cover all these. Is that the case? What is your dh doing when you are running children back and forth? Is he running them too (so you take one, he takes the other, or you take it in turns), or sitting back while you do it all? That seems to me to be the crux of the issue. There's obviously a lot of resentment of your dh here, which needs bringing out into the open and resolving - I don't think it's fair to make a point that involves the children losing out, and it's a flawed strategy which your dh appears to be making use of in bringing the event up - the fact that the pair of you seem to be using strategies against the other is also something you need to tackle as that is really no good in the long term.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 22/10/2022 12:51

Children have to learn that they can't always get their own way. Doing everything they want all the time isn't necessary as some posters have suggested. You are allowed to say no and think of yourself for once. If the children are not going then it shouldn't be mentioned so i agree your DH is bring unreasonable and maybe wants the day to himself. Tell him that if he mentions it to the children again you will say (infront of them) that Daddy can take them if he wants to and then he can tell them why he's not willing to do it.
You've been given a hard time off too many people on here, maybe they let their children rule the roost.....that just leads to entitled and spoilt children who grow up to be like that as adults.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/10/2022 12:53

Astonishing how many posters can't understand what the OP is saying. DH is clearly being a twat, and a lazy twat at that.

FlowerArranger · 22/10/2022 12:59

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/10/2022 12:53

Astonishing how many posters can't understand what the OP is saying. DH is clearly being a twat, and a lazy twat at that.

Oh yes, just what I was going to say...

@Manaslave18 - you have a DH problem, and you know it!

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

Seems to me the current issue is just another symptom of a 'this relationship is no longer working for me' conundrum...