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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pull out of friends wedding 4 weeks before

77 replies

Annabananna1 · 21/10/2022 18:40

AIBU to pull out of attending my friends wedding, having rsvp'd yes several months ago?

We've only been friends for about 18 months. Really sweet of her to invite DH and I to her wedding. It is about an hour away, on a Wednesday so both of us have booked annual leave. We are also paying for babysitting (£100+).

In the last few 3 or 4 months I've barely spent any time with her. We don't socialise with them as a couple at all. Yesterday she cancelled plans with me for the second time this month. She has a habit of cancelling on me at the last moment it's been an ongoing theme.

I don't want to go to the wedding anymore. But I don't know if it's too late at this point to back out?

Honestly I'd be more than happy to spend AL day, babysitting money, gift money for a close friend but this just feels silly

OP posts:
Original poster
Annabananna1 · 21/10/2022 20:03

Even if I do go to the wedding, which I am leaning towards doing as I do feel it is quite late to pull out, I do intend to let the friendship fizzle out. As frankly I can't stand flakey friends. It's just draining making plans and them being cancelled with virtually no notice time and again.

So then I wonder if it's worse to attend, be part of their day etc when we probably won't speak this time next year.

I'd just rather avoid any drama.
It was lovely of her to invite. I rsvp'd in good faith, I thought this friendship would develop and didn't anticipate how it's turned. She may well regret inviting us! Wouldn't be surprised.

OP posts:
IWasFunBeforeMum · 21/10/2022 20:04

I wouldn't go when she's cancelled on you for a second time.

CatSpeakForDummies · 21/10/2022 20:15

I would go, you might see or meet other people you like there, you might have fun- surely you don't really feel you are doing her a favour by going, you wouldn't have accepted then?!

Pulling out of a wedding is a whole scale different to cancelling plans.

Idontevenknow · 21/10/2022 20:17

I would pull out. A days annual leave, babysitting, travel, outfits, gifts etc is so much for someone you aren't really friends with anymore.

Why did she say she cancelled though?

Worthyornot · 21/10/2022 20:20

If you intend to let the friendship fizzle out, you have nothing to lose by not going.

BeeDavis · 21/10/2022 20:54

We had to confirm numbers 6 weeks before our wedding. Would be a massively shitty thing to do especially when you’re pissed at her for cancelling!!! You’re doing the same thing but worse.

Iwonder08 · 21/10/2022 21:49

She has cancelled in you twice with a short notice. You are not really friends. I wouldn't go.

Nevertouchakoala · 21/10/2022 22:02

Are you always this negative?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/10/2022 22:30

She is probably flaky because she is busy with the wedding.

Don't go anyway if you're planning to frizzle out the friendship then there is no point in going.

BattenburgDonkey · 21/10/2022 22:33

Why did she cancel on you?

Dotcheck · 21/10/2022 22:40

Gosh, do you think she may be busy planning her wedding? She cancelled twice, sometimes friends have to do that. Incredibly self absorbed of you to throw a strip and refuse to go to her wedding

Oblomov22 · 21/10/2022 22:54

It'll surely be the end of your friendship. Don't do it.

Kitkatcatflap · 21/10/2022 22:58

She has arranged and cancelled twice at short notice. That is rude. Your friendship is not a high priority in her life.

All the people saying, maybe she is busy with the wedding. Come on - If everything has to be confirmed at 6 weeks/8 weeks etc. How busy is she? She's not thinking who to invite, visiting locations nor writing out invitations-.

I agree with the others, if you don't go - it will probably be the end of the friendship but if you were planning to fade out the friendship - do it now. Don't make her cross every time she looks at the group photos.

Original poster
Annabananna1 · 21/10/2022 23:11

Gosh, do you think she may be busy planning her wedding? She cancelled twice, sometimes friends have to do that. Incredibly self absorbed of you to throw a strip and refuse to go to her wedding

@Dotcheck

As I said, cancelled twice in the last month. Being flakey has been an issue for longer. And I value my time and don't like my time being repeatedly wasted. That's hardly self absorbed.

OP posts:
willstarttomorrow · 21/10/2022 23:20

Honestly OP- you are just making up numbers and required to make the photos look better/fill up the brides side of the church. Yes it is late to cancel, but I cannot believe how many couples demand so much of their guests- it certainly should not cost £100s to attend a wedding, particularly if it is not someone you are particularly close to.

I understand that they have paid so much per guest- but at the end of the day that is their choice and they have not acted as a friend in the run-up to the wedding. If planning their wedding is so time consuming that they have such little regard for the friends they have invited- their focus is very skewed. At the end of the day, it is a wedding, not an international or state occasion.

Just send your apologies.

surreygirl1987 · 22/10/2022 00:20

No, you'd be rude to do that now.

MadelineUsher · 22/10/2022 00:33

I'd cancel. Hard to think of an excuse 4 weeks in advance (work leave retracted?) but it will give her time to fill those slots if she wants.

Caroffee · 22/10/2022 00:58

Make an excuse not to go. Lots of people pull out of weddings. You haven't known her for long and she's flakey too. As long as you pull out now, she won't have to pay for your meals etc. It's unlikely that your friendship would survive after she's married anyway if she lives an hour away. Personally, I think it sounds like you've been invited to make up numbers. Save your annual leave and cash.

pictish · 22/10/2022 01:00

God OP I hear you. You feel you’re a low priority friend to her and here you are using up precious resources to attend her wedding as if she’s a high priority friend to you. I understand why you don’t want to go…I come to these sorts of calm decisions about people sometimes too. You just reach a point and think ‘nah’.

The wedding? Well you’re kind of stuck now, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. What would you say if you were to cancel? Would you lie about why?

pictish · 22/10/2022 01:02

P.s I don’t think she’s busy planning her wedding. I think that only happens on American tv.

Therira · 22/10/2022 01:07

I agree with you. I’d not go either, life is far too short to spend it pleasing others. Especially ones you don’t plan on maintaining a friendship with.

Vecna · 22/10/2022 01:59

I'd go even if I planned to let it fizzle out. She has very likely paid for you to attend already. Unless your aim is to upset her?

These feelings you have about her can't have just suddenly come to you, so if you were going to pull out you should have done so 4 weeks ago.

hesbeingabitofadick · 22/10/2022 05:02

Cancel.
If you intend to let the friendship fizzle out, what's the point wasting time, money and effort now?

hesbeingabitofadick · 22/10/2022 05:05

Just one thought tho...
Have you any mutual friends? If so, is she flakey with them, too? Or is it just you?
Obvs if you don't then it won't really matter if you cancel - she won't be moaning to shared friends behind your back)

readingismycardio · 22/10/2022 05:46

Why is she cancelling? Did she give proper reasons? I understand why you don't want to go to the wedding and I don't think it's too late.

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