Pull out of friends wedding 4 weeks before

[Annabananna1]

AIBU to pull out of attending my friends wedding, having rsvp'd yes several months ago?

We've only been friends for about 18 months. Really sweet of her to invite DH and I to her wedding. It is about an hour away, on a Wednesday so both of us have booked annual leave. We are also paying for babysitting (£100+).

In the last few 3 or 4 months I've barely spent any time with her. We don't socialise with them as a couple at all. Yesterday she cancelled plans with me for the second time this month. She has a habit of cancelling on me at the last moment it's been an ongoing theme.

I don't want to go to the wedding anymore. But I don't know if it's too late at this point to back out?

Honestly I'd be more than happy to spend AL day, babysitting money, gift money for a close friend but this just feels silly

What were her 'reasons' for cancelling twice?

I'd probably still go because otherwise you'd probably look like you were being childish and doing tit-for-tat but that's just me.

Sounds to me you are pissed she cancelled so are being petty and want to pull out. You do you

I'd be cancelling. It just seems a hell of a lot of effort for a friendship you get so little out of. I'm going to assume you don't know any of her other friends so won't even have the consultation of a fun day with friends. Not to mention mid-week weddings are often a bit crap with people leaving early so they don't need another day off work.

I’d go but let the friendship fizzle out afterwards.

Exactly what I was thinking!

Shes probably got loads on sorting out the wedding, which will be costing a fortune so spending money on socialising won’t be top of her priorities right now.

She could be doing overtime to pay for the wedding (including your meals) or needs time to get things planned/made.

Its too late to drop out, and your reasoning is childish, you’ve got all the plans in place just go.

Shes probably got loads on sorting out the wedding, which will be costing a fortune so spending money on socialising won’t be top of her priorities right now.

She shouldn't be making plans then

But it is self absorbed. I sometimes go through phases where I end up cancelling, friends go through phases of cancelling. No one gets petty and finishes the friendship for it. Instead ( because of the friendship), we try and understand and assume the other person is going through a rough time.
Right now, a group of three of us are trying to meet- have been for months. One friend keeps cancelling. Us other two are a bit worried about her as we know there’s a lot going on in her life. We’re certainly not going to dump her.

So, your friend cancelled twice. So she is ‘flakey’ so what? Some people do have issues organising, or get run down easily and need to recharge. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you.

You, however are being quite transactional about it- like it’s a business: she cancels her appointments with you, so you’re dumping her. Like a lawyer or similar.
Pulling out of her wedding because she had to cancel plans is a really awful, childish thing to do. But you are where you are, and if you really don’t want to go, at least be decent and give her plenty of notice so she doesn’t pay for you .

She's getting married in four weeks she's probably incredibly busy and would expect her friend to understand that.

OP I think you are being unreasonable and selfish tbh

What’s all this ‘wedding planning’ that people imagine there is to do? Such as?

If you are intending to let the friendship fizzle out then yes I’d pull out. At least if you do it now she might be able to lower food numbers etc.

Go! You will enjoy yourself. Don't allow yourself to be eaten up with resentfulness. Life is for living and enjoying. Flakiness is not a crime.

What have been her reasons for cancelling?

Go , it would be really rude to cancel now. Deal with the friendship afterwards

I’d cancel. 4 weeks is plenty of time for her to invite someone else.

maybe you just received a letter for a hospital appointment you’ve been waiting ages for that happens to coincide?

What have been her reasons for cancelling? Are they genuine?
I'm a flaky friend, in the fact I often cancel plans at the last minute. But I have 5 children who get Illnesses, a job I can be called into last minute and various other reasons.

Personally I don't see what's wrong with being a bit transactional with friendships, it's not an act of charity and you can only go so long getting nothing out of it.

Alternatively, listen to your gut. And don't waste a load of money, plus a day of your annual leave, for both you and your DH, on someone who does not prioritise you and whose friendship you're planning to let fizzle out after repeated disappointments. Going will only leave you poorer, tireder, and resentful.

YABU You shouldn't have accepted if you weren't sure. It's too late to cancel now as she's paid for your food (which will be alot). If you do cancel be prepared for that friendship to die. She's probably cancelled meeying up because shes too stressed and busy, preparing the wedding plans and dress fittings. For the bride it's like a whirl wind before the wedding.

I'd go but minimise costs. So I'd probably leave shortly after the dinner and not attend the evening part (got to get back for the kids!)
Then see how friendship is after a few months.

Cancelling is a bit rude and churlish now.
I would still go but perhaps keep a weathered eye on the friendship in future.
Her cancelling a recent get together may be because things are frantic in the run up to her wedding. But if flaky behaviour continues afterwards I'd step back a bit.
IMO you can still have a great time at a wedding even if you aren't really close to bride or groom.

Just go to the wedding. They are so much fun, you’ll have a great time. Is there no one that can baby sit for less? Family or friends for nothing and you return the favour.

I really don’t see the point of you going if you’re going to let the friendship fizzle out anyway. What’s the point - so she doesn’t have full numbers on one table?

I don’t think it’s a sh*tty thing to do as you’re not really that close a friend, just let her know as soon as you can.
She might even appreciate being able to slot in a couple of ‘reserves’

What friendship? OP's only known her for 18 months, & She has a habit of cancelling on me at the last moment it's been an ongoing theme.

Not much there to lose, is there?

@clpsmum if she's that busy she shouldn't be making plans she can't keep. Expecting everyone to be ok with her cancelling plans because it's her wedding in a month or two? Bridezilla.

My friend didnt turn up to my wedding last month. Won't be seeing her again. Just know that you may not see your friend again. A wedding is like the biggest event of someone's life, if a friend doesn't go.. then that's pretty much it (in my book) can't speak on anyone else.