my neighbour is gaslighting me

[doggodilemma]

I just feel like this is the only way to describe my feelings right now.

There's a lot of back story but I will keep it simple.

The other day at 1am, my neighbour climbed over the adjoining gate and knocked on our front door, my dog barked in response and I had woken up at the sound of his leg hitting the gate and then startled further by him knocking. My biggest fear is being broken into and I am in therapy for this and OCD behaviours around it (locking doors etc).

My dog is yappy, but to ensure that they don't bother anyone, especially at night, they are in bed with us. I wake up at the slightest noise because of the fears I have.

Next door is split into two flats, the man who climbed over (old man / potential dementia but seems fine) and a couple upstairs. The couple upstairs messaged me to say that from their perspective they heard barking that they thought was our dog but his behaviour is unacceptable. Old man has been ranting to them all morning because I put a letter through asking why he did it and he was afraid I'd call the police apparently.

I have Ring doorbell footage that shows silence as he comes over the gate and silence until the moment the first knock occurs on our door. I know my dog was in bed because when I woke up at the noise of someone climbing over our gate I was fully conscious and saw dog on bed and said 'NO!' to barking and then the knock happened and I shouted to DH "OMG someone is actually there"

FWIW, he bangs on our adjoining wall when he thinks the dogs are barking. This has happened when our dogs aren't even with us and at my parents (like before holidays etc)
Our whole street has dogs, it's always loud and my dogs only bark at post man / other dogs outside our house barking. So there's always another dog it could be plus loud foxes.

What also doesn't make sense is why I would hear him climb the gate but not my own dog barking for all the apparent time before the moment it occurred.

I feel like I'm going mad. Old man climbed our fence this morning and stuck his head through my kitchen door causing me to scream again - he wanted to clear the air and semi-apologised.

Not sure what I am asking for here but please help!

I’m not sure what you’re asking, either. Can you be clearer? Your elderly neighbour, who possibly has dementia, has climbed into your garden but denied it? Would this not be more likely because he has dementia and is confused rather than because he’s “gaslighting” you?

If he’s friendly and approachable enough, which he seems to be if he came over to apologise, however misguided his approach, perhaps try speaking with him about being concerned that he’ll injure himself going out at night and climbing over your fence and see if he thinks he might benefit from some kind of support from ASC, or has a relative you might be able to have a chat with.

He's not gaslighting you, he has dementia. First thing I'd do is put trellis at the top of your fence to stop him ( or a burglar) climbing over.

I'd show the couple who are complaining about your dog the doorbell footage that proves your dog only barked because the old guy knocked on your door (after climbing over your fence).

Sounds like he acted unusually (because of his dementia) and wanted to apologise as he felt guilty for his actions. Maybe he didn't go about it in the right way but if you say he's 'generally ok' then you should take his, presumably good, intentions at face value.

P.S - I know this is MN but not everything is 'Gaslighting'. We'll be talking next about how he's 'exercising misogyny by thinking he has the right to approach you and apologise''.

I must be missing something here. How is he gaslighting you? it sounds like he has dementia (you say he seems fine but, dementia has very different frightening forms for the person who has it and you probably wouldn't know what is fine or not for him).

Is he elderly? How horrible for him to be out, climbing fences etc at 1am in the morning. Maybe you could have been kind and checked he was ok instead of posting a note through his door and speaking the the other neighbours.

Sounds like you have a yappy dog who is getting on people's nerves. Maybe you have become immune to the barking but, other people around you haven't.

Gaslighting is a conscious act involving a conscious decision. If he has dementia, he's not capable of that.

You seem prone to dramatics and hyperbole because of your anxiety, but this isn't gaslighting.

Agree with all of the above.
You probably frightened a very ill old man who, if he has dementia, will genuinely (for him) be behaving perfectly rationally. Dogs barking all the time (as you say in your OP, even though yours isn't) is annoying.
Build a fence.

Not gaslighting. He sounds confused and may be hearing things. Report it to pcso via 101 and they may involve social services. What did your note say?

I think you need to clarify your post.

What do you want help with

Does he have dementia or do you think he might have dementia?
his behaviour is odd but there is a difference between “odd because he has dementia’ and ‘odd because he is trying to frame your dog for barking in the middle of the night’

You also have to think about your & your families safety here. I would not be happy with a neighbour climbing over a fence into my garden to talk to me in my kitchen. Ask him not to do this, and ask him to knock at the front door instead if he wants to speak with you.

Does your neighbour live with anyone, could you talk to them to say you're concerned about his health & wellbeing?

You can make a referral to your local social services when concerned in situations where dementia may be involved, or you can speak with an adviser, see link below

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/worried-someone-has-dementia/

"The Alzheimer's Society has more tips on how to talk to someone about memory problems.

If the person does not want to see a GP, many UK dementia charities offer support and advice from specialist nurses or advisers, such as:

Dementia UK helpline: 0800 888 6678 or email: [email protected]
Alzheimer's Society's national helpline: 0333 150 3456 or email: [email protected]"

This with bells on.

because I put a letter through asking why he did it

Rather than just, you know, speaking to him?

I don’t understand all the bit about silence and then his leg hitting the gate. I think there’s a bit you’ve missed? Or does that not matter?

Is it just as simple as:

“neighbour climbed over and knocked at 1am”

or is there more to it?

@SheWoreYellow I think OP mentioned that to show she heard a number of sounds that she wouldn’t have heard had her dogs already been barking.

This makes no sense. If anyone was knocking at my door at 1am I'm be getting my arse out of bed to see what they wanted. I wouldnt be popping notes through doors or texting neighbours to ask their opinion.

Yeah, but I don’t understand why that matters. Does she think the dog is in on it too?

How tall is the fence? Are we talking waist height? Perhaps he got confused about the time of day it was.

And the neighbours. Because they also heard barking and thought it was her dog.

Is the man claiming that he knocked on the door because the dog was barking? But the OP says that her dog only started barking as a result of the knock on the door, ie the dog wasn't barking before that, therefore the man wasn't justified to complain that the dog was barking on that occasion?

If he's banging on the walls when the dog isn't even in the house, then he's either mishearing things or is mistakenly attributing the sound of another barking dog to the OP's (absent) dog.

this is hard to understand op. He’s elderly and suffers with dementia. You have mental illnesses and are in treatment, what is it you’re asking. Is a old man with dementia gaslighting you? Then no, it’s more likely his dementia is causing his issues.

Build a fence.

sorry @PAFMO but this did make me laugh. What do you think the gate might be attached to? 😂

What did you write in the letter you wrote him? It’s all so much drama.

I’m also confused- the dog barking is a bit of an aside..?
Did you answer the door when he knocked?
What did he say when he apologised?

Oh I seeeeeee!

He’s claiming that he came round BECAUSE OF THE DOG!

Could there be another dog he and your neighbours hear?

Climbing over your fence to knock on your door at 1am without good reason is not normal behaviour. Has he given you a reason for doing this? Are you sure he has dementia?