my neighbour is gaslighting me

[doggodilemma]

I just feel like this is the only way to describe my feelings right now.

There's a lot of back story but I will keep it simple.

The other day at 1am, my neighbour climbed over the adjoining gate and knocked on our front door, my dog barked in response and I had woken up at the sound of his leg hitting the gate and then startled further by him knocking. My biggest fear is being broken into and I am in therapy for this and OCD behaviours around it (locking doors etc).

My dog is yappy, but to ensure that they don't bother anyone, especially at night, they are in bed with us. I wake up at the slightest noise because of the fears I have.

Next door is split into two flats, the man who climbed over (old man / potential dementia but seems fine) and a couple upstairs. The couple upstairs messaged me to say that from their perspective they heard barking that they thought was our dog but his behaviour is unacceptable. Old man has been ranting to them all morning because I put a letter through asking why he did it and he was afraid I'd call the police apparently.

I have Ring doorbell footage that shows silence as he comes over the gate and silence until the moment the first knock occurs on our door. I know my dog was in bed because when I woke up at the noise of someone climbing over our gate I was fully conscious and saw dog on bed and said 'NO!' to barking and then the knock happened and I shouted to DH "OMG someone is actually there"

FWIW, he bangs on our adjoining wall when he thinks the dogs are barking. This has happened when our dogs aren't even with us and at my parents (like before holidays etc)
Our whole street has dogs, it's always loud and my dogs only bark at post man / other dogs outside our house barking. So there's always another dog it could be plus loud foxes.

What also doesn't make sense is why I would hear him climb the gate but not my own dog barking for all the apparent time before the moment it occurred.

I feel like I'm going mad. Old man climbed our fence this morning and stuck his head through my kitchen door causing me to scream again - he wanted to clear the air and semi-apologised.

Not sure what I am asking for here but please help!

I think that you tell him that you don't want him entering your property the way he is. Keep a log and contact the police again, if it continues. He's either a lying nightmare, or is unwell. Both need dealing with because if it is dementia it doesn't give a man the right to intimate lone women at night. Very often a family is in denial about the level of care needed, SS often won't intervene until there's been injury, or police involvement. If he needs more medical etc involment, it's doing him a favour by involving the police.

If he refuses to listen then just slam the door in his face. If other neighbours have an issue they'll bring it up.

Ha ha - Exactly my thoughts!!

It’s not gaslighting because he genuinely believes it’s your dog, and he even apologised if he might have been wrong.

No, he shouldn’t have “scared” you the way he did but it doesn’t seem to be malicious, and just because other dogs bark doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for yours to do so too.

Your dog is quite clearly a bigger problem than you want to let on.

I use the word 'unbelievable' as a 'term-of-phrase - most people would assume i meant extreme and hard to comprehend! I used the word unbelievable as the people that i deal with daily are amazing, unbelievable and certainly wouldn't be gaslighting anyone.

Trust me, when i say i completely understand that this isn't something that can be ignored.

How is dementia simultaneously an unbelievable thing for any person to have but you also know people with dementia. You either believe it exists or you don't.

1 in 14 people over 65 have dementia rising to in in 6 if you are over 80, its hardly unbelievable.

Personally I think the man sounds like a bullying arsehole. But its possible to be a bullying arsehole and have dementia.

How is dementia simultaneously an unbelievable thing for any person to have but you also know people with dementia. You either believe it exists or you don't.

1 in 14 people over 65 have dementia rising to in in 6 if you are over 80, its hardly unbelievable.

Personally I think the man sounds like a bullying arsehole. But its possible to be a bullying arsehole and have dementia.

sorry for the double post MN was having a moment and I kept getting error messages

Obviously - people have taken my use of the wording 'unbelievable' quite literally. TBH - i do still stand by it as some of the behaviour experienced is quite unbelievable (in the literal sense).

Some of the most important people to me (including myself) have some sort of diagnosed dementia (whether that be early, vascular, Alzheimer's etc). Obviously the word police are out in force about the word 'unbelievable'!

Get a camera and recorded what is happening . If your neighbour has no family then speak to social services to se if they can help

Not word police at all, your meaning was unclear and definitely didnt convey what you were apparently trying to convey

If multiple people mistake your meaning, it could be that they are all pedantic, or its equally possible that you werent actually very clear so being rude to them is maybe unfair?

Due to the MN issues I was having whilst posting I didn't see your first reply about this

Yes, this exactly. But now he's convincing me it was my dog when it was impossible and I keep trying to see if any other cameras activated beforehand to prove or deny my innocence. He keeps going round to all the neighbours to attempt to get them to attest that I am wrong. It's making my mind so confused!!
How is it confusing you?
Writing here, you seem 100% clear about the occasions when the barking could not have been your dog.
He's not gaslighting you - he just a fussy old man who is either mishearing where the barking is coming from, or who is telling lies because he's got nothing better to do.
You don't have to concern yourself about what he says to other neighbours. They know him as well as you do & know he's a bit cracked. You need to stop making his behaviour your problem, & the simplest way to do that is simply dismiss him as the harmless old twat he is.

I have asked him many times to stop banging on my walls /climbing my fence but he refuses to listen.
"Neighbour, you are not welcome on my property, stop banging on my door & stop harrassing me. I am serious. The next time you harass me I will report your behaviour to the police. Now go away."

As usual, people fixated on entirely the wrong part of the story.

In a nutshell - man climbs over fence to bang on the front door. As OP says her dogs were asleep, she would literally have no idea why he was doing this?! I'm not surprised you were terrified to be honest.

Sure dogs barking are irritating, but it happens. It is completely out of order for anyone to scale a fence - especially at 1am. Regardless of where he thought the sound was coming from.

Really don't understand how people are doubting OP's story and saying the dogs must be a bigger problem than they are? Why, because a third hand story from an anonymous source says so?!

@doggodilemma - if you can face it, I would go round to his during the day and tell him that you're sorry he's being disturbed but it really isn't your dogs. He can say it is till the cows come home, but it isn't, so you can't do anything about it. Also tell him that if he climbs over your fence again, at any time of the day or night, you will be calling the police as you will have to assume it's at best a trespasser and at worst a burglar, and quite frankly you deserve to feel safe in your own home. If he gets shirty, just keep reiterating I can't make someone else's dog shut up.

It was only the one person but, i think i will delete it anyway as certainly wasnt what i was intending to imply that i didn't think that dementia existed. x

OP, if you genuinely suspect dementia and do need to speak to him about these issues, speak to him as early in the day as possible. Dementia sufferers are most alert/like themselves earlier on and as the day progresses they become more tired and likely to experience episodes and become confused. A dementia sufferer/campaigner spoke to us at work and said his sundown was 3pm and that any important tasks/appointments needed to be done earlier than that as he's not able to do them afterwards because of the dementia as he's too tired and becomes confused after this.

Does this man have any actual authority to be making these demands; is he the landlord or anything? I saw that he has "banned" the upstairs couple from drawing water or using the toilet at night because he doesn't like the noise. I don't think anyone has the right to dictate that sort of thing.

It sounds like a very unpleasant situation. I had something vaguely similar with a rather odd neighbour once, who used to deliberately goad my dog (she didn't realise that I could see her hiding behind the fence, whacking the wheelie bins with a stick) and then complaining that he barked. But it stopped after I refused to engage with her nonsense. Sadly, this sounds much worse. I hope you can get it sorted without too much distress.

The OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here. This man climbed over the gate in the middle of the night and banged on her door, complaining about her dog barking when it wasn’t, it was asleep in her bedroom. He uses a ladder to climb over the high fence. He climbed over and shouted at her through the kitchen door without warning. Who does that!? If you want to talk to a neighbour you go to their front door and knock, you don’t climb over a fence ffs. I’m wondering if he does that to avoid the Ring doorbell. He’s fixated with believing that any time he hears one of the neighbourhood’s barking, it’s her dog. He bangs on the wall even when the dog isn’t there. He’s been threatening to the OP. He lied, saying everyone around switched their lights on when the OP knows that didn’t happen. None of this is normal behaviour. Surely people wouldn’t think it was ok for their neighbour to do this? If your kids were playing in the garden would you be happy for the shouty old bloke next door to climb over the fence into your garden?

Yet loads of replies are all “you have a dog that barks and that isn’t acceptable”. OP said there is 10 seconds barking at the postman and occasional other times - that’s far from being nuisance noise. The neighbour is being a nuisance to the OP, not the other way round. “Just talk to him” is no use, she has asked him to stop and he doesn’t.

@doggodilemma The fact that he’s saying he’s afraid you’ll call the police on him shows that he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’s trying to intimidate you and he’s succeeding. You could perhaps have a word with the police, because the fence-climbing and banging on the wall is ridiculous. You could also ask them if they think it’s appropriate to contact social services.

I once lived next door to an aggressive, shouty woman who used to bang on the dividing wall and then come round accusing us of banging on the wall. We eventually called the police when she threatened us. She acted all innocent, as though we were making it up, but she did stop.

How is he trying to convince you your dog(s) were barking?

I assume he’s climbing over your gate because you lock it?
Else why wouldn’t he just open it.

Firstly, I would try and stop him from being able to enter at night - eg get a higher gate or put something on top so he can’t climb over.

Secondly, I would log every single thing.

You need to be firm with him and tell him to if he wants to speak to you then knock on the door, not get a ladder.

I do think he is has MH issues but that doesn’t make it any less scary/annoying for you.

Thid isn’t about your dogs as you say he has an issue with the other neighbours too.

You could report him but I’m not sure that would do much good so I would just try and ignore him and his complaints as best as you can.

@FictionalCharacter I agree.

If OP hadn’t mentioned her dog then everyone would be more sympathetic but most MNers hate dogs so she lost their vote in the first sentence.

This isn’t about her dogs barking.
This is about a man who is acting very odd and intimidating. He just happens to also be lying about the dogs barking too.

Just out of interest - who was i being rude to?

You called those of us who questioned the word unbelievable as the 'word police' that's quite rude

So he got a ladder and climbed up his side of a 6ft fence in your back garden to apologise? How did this old man get down the other side, did he just drop?

Also how did he get back out of your 6ft back garden fence after he apologised and you screamed at him?

I'm sorry - i can't resist as this story is gaining legs!

Your comment to me was rude!

'Word-Police' wasn't directly about you, it was a sweeping statement but.... if the shoe fits!

When my gran got old she was convinced the people upstairs were tap dancing and doing it solely to aggravate her. They were probably just walking around on wooden floors, but it was kinda heartbreaking to see her so upset by it. A couple of times she hit the ceiling with a broom handle and shouted for them to be quiet. She wasn't right to do this at all. At the same time communal living in a flat or shared building is tricky business and having noisy pets or hobbies is a bit selfish. What is a reasonable time for you might be when other people sleep and vice versa.

Maybe he's confused, maybe your dogs barking really is a pain in the ass (I have 2 dogs myself, I know it's not always easy to keep them quiet.)

I don't think he's gaslighting you at all, I think he is affected by the noise of your dogs and maybe a little confused to boot. I think as long as you have dog(s), who will inevitably bark, you have to expect that not everyone will like it and you might have to put up with the noise of your neighbour at your door in return.

Just speak to him, tell him you know how frustrating it is for him when the dogs bark, but between the hours of 10pm and 9am you are home with the dogs and will deal with any barking without him having to come to the door.