Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No presents please, fed up with shite!

63 replies

Catsanddog · 21/10/2022 00:54

So I have a November birthday and family of 6 children and hubby. I have fairly simple tastes and definitely not extravagant but every Birthday/Christmas I'm so disappointed that I've told them not to buy me anything this year. Examples are new purse- no coin compartment so useless to me. Slippers, pj's and dressing gown - all wrong sizes. I like Sanctuary products and they always buy " wannabe" you-know similar colour and branding but not actual! Earrings- I chose exact pair and told daughter which shop to buy from knowing budget allowed last year - smaller pair appeared for birthday and lost their gold after a few weeks as only gold plated. Same box of chocolates every bloody year!! They do not exchange the items or provide receipts so I can get something that fits or that I actually like so I've said really don't bother and they think I'm ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catsanddog · 21/10/2022 00:56

Just to add. I go over and above to find something unexpected for each of them that they all love!!

OP posts:
PickAnyName · 21/10/2022 01:01

If it matters that much, buy something yourself, give them the receipts so they can pay you, then they can wrap it and give it to you.

Are you sure they love what you have got them, or are they being polite?

FistFullOfRegrets · 21/10/2022 01:05

How old are they?

where is DH in all of this?

Original poster
Catsanddog · 21/10/2022 01:16

Definitely not being polite, they really do appreciate the gifts I buy. The 5 at home are aged 11 to 18. They all get a monthly pocket money allowance but it's dh that ultimately gets my presents. Last bday for example I surprised him and took him into london for dinner and a show - he absolutely loved, replaced his wedding ring that he had lost due to losing weight and it had slipped off his finger . He was overwhelmed and actually cried when he opened it.For his 50th I arranged childcare and took him away for weekend with friends. We had a ball. I just feel that I'm last minute after thought with no thought really!! He was very disappointed when he realised the earrings he gifted me were only gold plated but he didn't replace and didn't say why he hadn't gone to store I had chosen and told elder daughter to send him to. I guess I just feel under appreciated

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 21/10/2022 01:37

Some people are into buying gifts and carefully selecting the perfect thing and some people are not - I understand where your coming from but tying up gift section as a measure of love/caring….there be dragons IMO

My own mother is the worst gift giver ever - buys me things as if we have never met. I do find it irritating but I know it’s not malicious. Thoughtless maybe…..I try not to over think it.

Needmorelego · 21/10/2022 01:40

Write a clear and simple wish list, hand it over and say "I would like a selection of things from this list. Nothing different or alternative please. Just from this list"

MintJulia · 21/10/2022 01:52

Don't take the joy of present giving away from an 11yo. 🙁Always be delighted when she gives you a present.

But explain carefully to your dh why you have chosen the specific items on your list. Point out that cheap gold plate doesn't last and is a false economy. That other brands are not as good as Sanctuary. Tell him how being given a cheap, rip-off product makes you feel under-valued. That once a year, it is not unreasonable to buy something truly lovely.

Maybe, with six children, he is worried about money.

Sestriere · 21/10/2022 01:56

Gift vouchers? They take zero effort, you can get them from the supermarket, at least you get to choose what you want then.

BlackberryCat · 21/10/2022 02:06

We just organise a family lunch somewhere nice for my birthday and I’m happy with that. I also don’t really want any presents.

Unicorn2022 · 21/10/2022 02:17

I've told family not to buy me any presents anymore. I would rather get nothing than have to open gifts that either look like they have been bought for someone else or bought by someone who has never even met me. It's disappointing not to receive anything suitable or nice when you are the one buying lovely gifts for everyone else, but better than having to feign gratitude and think about the wasted money.

SecretShipping · 21/10/2022 02:19

Either give them an order form or just accept that gift giving isn't about being given precisely what you want, as requested.

I find it weird that gift giving becomes something like you describe to be honest, OP.

If you feel under appreciated, deal with it properly, instead of measuring feelings and intentions or whatever by whatever you unwrap on your Birthday.

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/10/2022 02:32

I don't know, I find it hard to agree with all of this tbh.

Gift-giving is supposed to be about someone buying something for you. Something that they think you will enjoy or like. The very act of giving you a gift is a display that they love and care about you.

I don't really like or agree with the culture of "if I don't get exactly what I want then don't bloody bother". If that was the case, then they might as well just all give you cash so you can buy what you want - but that sucks out the very soul of gift-giving.

It's about the principle really, especially when children are involved. Some people are naturally good at giving gifts - others, not so much. It doesn't mean that they don't care but it's a skill that isn't easy to master if you're not a natural.

It sounds to me like they've really tried to get you something they think you'll like. It's not as if you've been given a tea towel or a new kitchen spoon! The fact it's not 100% right is a shame but hardly cause to throw your toys out of the pram. That just sounds a bit spoilt, if you want my honest opinion.

FrozenGhost · 21/10/2022 02:51

Why don't you agree not to do presents any more between you and your DH. I agree it's often a waste. For your birthdays you can plan something together, like a trip or a meal out.

NumberTheory · 21/10/2022 05:53

My Dh got worse and worse at gift giving. It became really disappointing. The Christmas he took the gift of three books he’d bought me (two of which I already had) and rewrapped them to be one each from him and the kids because he realised two days before Christmas that he’d forgotten to help them get me anything (they were 6) was a low point. I kept going a couple more years but then I just got so annoyed by it I decided not to bother. I still put a lot of effort into the kids presents (and a bit of effort into getting them to get stuff for him, because I think that’s important for them), but my present for him I got generic stuff (and I was late for his birthday).

It only took one year of doing that and he suddenly stepped it up. The last 5 years he’s given me great, thoughtful presents (he doesn’t arrange anything for my birthday because I’ve already done that by the time he comes to ask what I might like - another consequence of being disappointed, but I
m less bothered by that). I’ve gone back to trying to get him thoughtful gifts..

So you could try that, with him and maybe the adult DC. It may not work, but you would probably feel less resentful about it if it didn’t seem so one way.

Bramblejoos · 21/10/2022 06:15

It sounds like they can't bring themselves to spend what it takes - Do you look disappointed when you open the parcel or do you pretend to be pleased?

huuskymam · 21/10/2022 06:19

My dh and 2 adult kids are disasters for picking presents for me. I send them links to what I actually want. They're all quite happy I do it, takes the pressure off them.

lentilly · 21/10/2022 06:21

Your DH is useless. You need to explain to him how upsetting it is to be asked exactly what you want to then be given something different. It's worse than being given something else entirely. Maybe don't give your kids any ideas and see what they come up with?

AlmostOver22 · 21/10/2022 06:21

I’m not really into gift giving. It’s so wasteful for the occasional thing that people actually use and there are loads of ways of showing love and appreciation for someone.

Aprilx · 21/10/2022 06:26

I honestly cannot see the point in telling my DH exactly what to buy me or asking him for cash or a gift voucher. I might as well just buy what I want as we share money anyway.

I am the organiser in our house and I would be just as likely to book a theatre trip for my birthday as I would for his. I don’t see why he needs to do it for me.

Some of what you say sounds weird, like buying things in the wrong size, but I generally cannot think along the lines of “get me exactly what I want or don’t bother”.

user1497787065 · 21/10/2022 06:27

Are you 6?

Just be grateful or otherwise tell them not to buy presents. Simple.

user1477391263 · 21/10/2022 06:36

Just to add. I go over and above to find something unexpected for each of them that they all love!!

That's nice, but not everyone is good at present giving. Also, you don't necessarily know that they love what you give them. Most people are good at faking gift-joy.

How about suggesting that the kids take on an extra chore each for your "birthday week" or something of that kind, and suggest to your husband that he just takes you out to dinner instead.

I don't want tangible "gifts" either, and find the idea of getting them a bit weird, as an adult. I don't need clutter and would rather choose my own stuff.

Henryhooveredoff · 21/10/2022 06:37

I'm in the 'If it's not right don't bother' camp.

If it was Jill who I've only worked in the office with for five years then I could understand that they don't get it quite right.

When it's your husband and family who you've lived with for at least 20 years, they should know you well enough by now to know you don't want tat. Or at least be capable of looking in a wardrobe and working out what size clothes you wear!

Pinkychilla · 21/10/2022 06:42

You need to point out to your husband how hurtful and throughtless it is especially compared to the gifts you have given him he is just lazy and quite selfish really and can easily guide the kids to getting the right thing, And also making an effort at making your birthday a bit special think you need to say yes I like this dressing gown/slippers but I can't wear them as completely the wrong size seems it's always the mum who ends up with this but you do need to say so they know it's not acceptable way to give gifts and hopefully be easily rectified for this time and if not id not bother with his !

Tadpoll · 21/10/2022 06:47

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/10/2022 02:32

I don't know, I find it hard to agree with all of this tbh.

Gift-giving is supposed to be about someone buying something for you. Something that they think you will enjoy or like. The very act of giving you a gift is a display that they love and care about you.

I don't really like or agree with the culture of "if I don't get exactly what I want then don't bloody bother". If that was the case, then they might as well just all give you cash so you can buy what you want - but that sucks out the very soul of gift-giving.

It's about the principle really, especially when children are involved. Some people are naturally good at giving gifts - others, not so much. It doesn't mean that they don't care but it's a skill that isn't easy to master if you're not a natural.

It sounds to me like they've really tried to get you something they think you'll like. It's not as if you've been given a tea towel or a new kitchen spoon! The fact it's not 100% right is a shame but hardly cause to throw your toys out of the pram. That just sounds a bit spoilt, if you want my honest opinion.

I agree with you, but it’s the waste I can’t stand.

OP would probably rather get a tea towel, because at least then she could use it.

OP I’m with you - I have a parent who spends a lot on me but they are things I just do not want and will never use. I’d rather have nothing because it is stressful and I feel guilty about the item and the waste of money.

Tadpoll · 21/10/2022 06:48

Henryhooveredoff · 21/10/2022 06:37

I'm in the 'If it's not right don't bother' camp.

If it was Jill who I've only worked in the office with for five years then I could understand that they don't get it quite right.

When it's your husband and family who you've lived with for at least 20 years, they should know you well enough by now to know you don't want tat. Or at least be capable of looking in a wardrobe and working out what size clothes you wear!

Agree.