No presents please, fed up with shite!

[Catsanddog]

So I have a November birthday and family of 6 children and hubby. I have fairly simple tastes and definitely not extravagant but every Birthday/Christmas I'm so disappointed that I've told them not to buy me anything this year. Examples are new purse- no coin compartment so useless to me. Slippers, pj's and dressing gown - all wrong sizes. I like Sanctuary products and they always buy " wannabe" you-know similar colour and branding but not actual! Earrings- I chose exact pair and told daughter which shop to buy from knowing budget allowed last year - smaller pair appeared for birthday and lost their gold after a few weeks as only gold plated. Same box of chocolates every bloody year!! They do not exchange the items or provide receipts so I can get something that fits or that I actually like so I've said really don't bother and they think I'm ungrateful. Am I being unreasonable?

As PPs have said, hand out a list with specific items on it. I hate both getting and giving random items so am a huge fan of a gift list.

That said, I do have friends who prefer to find what they consider to be thoughtful gifts for people and hate buying from a list so good luck :)

Controversial maybe but I hate presents. If I want something I will go and get it myself. There is so much expectation but actually a lot of money must be wasted on things that don't get used/loved. I much prefer just going for a meal or spending time with people. This means that I'm a terrible present giver myself, in that I often just don't bother. Maybe stop equating presents to how loved and appreciated you are?

That said, I do have friends who prefer to find what they consider to be thoughtful gifts for people and hate buying from a list so good luck :)

OMG thoughtful gifts!!
IMHO these are only thoughtful when you actually know the person wants this or will use it. Otherwise it's the preference of the chooser.

I took up a new hobby during lockdown so for my birthday last year a friend (who also does the hobby) gave me items I would definitely need/use for my hobby.
Other friend chose a very attractive scented candle that she knew would go perfectly in my sitting room. Lovely as it was she hadn't stopped to wonder why I never gave scented candles though! DH is very sensitive to smells and won't have them in the house.
Guess which "thoughtful" gift went straight to the charity shop?

My dh is rubbish at present buying. He was ok for first 10 years but sometimes I wonder.
even when I’m really precise about what I want he’ll not get it quite right. I like an element of surprise so I don’t always want to give exact specifics.
one year I got fed up and was busy anyway so I bought him more generic random stuff, he wasn’t happy. I did use it as a bit of a ‘this is how I feel most years…’

Fortunately I am very easy to buy for - just get me a bottle of gin!

I agree with this!

You had enough of them treating you like good old mum whose their to do everything. When it comes to birthday and Xmas they make no effort in regards to presents to show some bit apperication for all you do for them. You had enough of the lack of effort been made for you and you told not to buy anything for you this year. Meanwhile they said that your being ungrateful.

So I do the following.
Buy cheap versions of the branded foods they like from Aldi/Lidi stuff. Buy own brand cola/crisps/beer and wine. Buy the cheap cornflakes also.
When they have to eat or drink these they complain and you can tell them well it the same as the branded stuff you like but cheaper just like cheap stuff you keep buying me.
Start to produce all the dinners that different people don't like and tell them then but I thought you liked this. Just say I told you I don't like X but you keep buying it for me.

Buy your daughter a big pair of granny knickers about 4 sizes bigger than she is and wrap them up. Tell her that you got her something when her friends are there. Let her open it in front of her friends and tell them that last year she bought you a pair of size 4 slippers when you take a size 6 or you got a dressing gown that would fit 2 people. Along with this they never give you the receipt so you can't change thing's.

For your teenaged son do the same but this time with a toy car you got from a charity shop. Get him to open it in front of his friends and tell him I was sure you like this. Then say in front of his friends last year X got me a cheap bath set from poundland.

Your kids should get the message about you feel about the crap gifts once they open these are are embarrassed in front of their friends.

In regards to your husband I tell him that you had enough of him making no effort in regards to gift giving to you and remind him of all the things you bought him over the years.
Tell him that your giving him and the kids a list of what you want for your birthday and you want some of these gifts and not the cheap versions of them.

I also tell them that if they continue showing no respect for you and all you do for them you won't be washing their clothes or be their taxi service. Then tell them they can cook that evenings dinner and do the dishes for a few evenings as you need a break.
Let them see what ungrateful really looks like.

I know how you feel because I get thoughtful gifts for people. You don't have to spend a fortune but with a bit of though you can get nice things.
The best was the year I got a recycled present from my sil. It was a cheap bath set give to her by a lady she knew. The gift label with my sil name and who it was from was still on it.

MistyBean · Today 13:31
Controversial maybe but I hate presents. If I want something I will go and get it myself. There is so much expectation but actually a lot of money must be wasted on things that don't get used/loved. I much prefer just going for a meal or spending time with people. This means that I'm a terrible present giver myself, in that I often just don't bother. Maybe stop equating presents to how loved and appreciated you are?

Totally agree!

I do give nice presents, but not big presents, and I beg people not to get me expensive gifts. I look throughout the year for birthday presents and try to avoid last-minute panic-buying. I genuinely believe my gifts are appreciated (despite being a paranoid pessimist) but they are small, personal tokens - probably not what many MNetters would consider worthy presents. I would hate to think that anyone has put themself out financially to buy me a present - and I don't expect them.

I still don't get the adult present thing. Honestly, the number of threads with grown women whingeing about their pressies being disappointing is an eye-opener for me - diddums, I say! I must move in very different circles...

You need a very simple list, Amazon is ideal for this.

Oh you nailed it! I'm giggling as I type, imagining doing exactly this.

For me it's not the wanting stuff part, but the performative/wasteful side of it.

I get between 1-3 scarves a year from DH's family, as I have a December birthday. Usually a pair of gloves too. He gets one or two hoodies a year from them also.

They even got me a scarf as the present to unwrap on Christmas Day on our honeymoon. Which was in Kenya.

I mean... Why? Surely at some point it must clock in your head "Oh yes, I bought Cats a scarf last year. Maybe she doesn't need as many scarves. Maybe when I asked what she'd like and she said kindle books because she's moving soon, she actually meant she'd like a bunch of physical books."

I would send your DH a list to two relatively expensive things you would like and suggest he buys one and the children club together to get the other.

If you still end up with a pile of shite, store it away somewhere and regift it all back to them in their Christmas presents/stockings!

I can't agree with this. How exactly is buying someone you profess to love a cheaper, less nice version of something they like or have asked for "a display that they love and care about you." Surely it's the opposite? When I buy presents for someone I usually spend more/get a better version of the stuff I'd buy for myself, because I want to treat them. Buying a cheapie version is the sort of thing you do out of obligation and resentment, not love and care - in which case you think they'd be glad of OPs suggestion to not get her anything, but apparently that's wrong too! Not sure how she can win!

It's not about money, but in OPs case her family aren't spending time OR energy OR money. She sounds like she would be happy for 1 out of the 3. But they can't be bothered to think of things she'd like themselves, but also can't be bothered to spend a few quid extra even when she gives them suggestions.